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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure why my friend was like this growing up

56 replies

Joeyjay · 15/02/2021 09:32

I still see her at birthdays, weddings etc.

I could never work out why she had such an issue with me growing up. We lived in the same neighbourhood so would walk to college together. She would be really off with me and frosty, one word replies etc. And then when we got to school she was absolutely fine with others.
I could never for the life of me work out why , what I could have done to offend her. She apologised for it years later but never explained why.
She made rude comments about my acne and once said "If only you got a nose job, you'd be so pretty!" (I have since had one, not based on that but never liked my nose)

She was naturally a bit curvier than me but she had a great figure. I noticed she would make jibes like "Oh, getting a dessert too are you?" Then later she moaned "It's not fair, you eat loads yet you're thinner than me."

I never had luck with boys as a teen and she said "Well you've got so many things wrong with you, so it's not a surprise."

Later on in life she liked an older guy. At a party, I must have been in the same room as him for a whole minute and probably asked him the time or something mundane. She was drunk and accused me of flirting with him then started shoving me. She was only like this when drunk. I'd never flirted with men she'd liked in the past so not sure why she thought I would.

Once, she asked a guy who was prettier out of me and her. He said both, surely trying to be polite. She then pushed for an answer and he said her, and she was jumping for joy.

I ended up getting friendly with another girl that her and a mutual friend knew. I didn't know that i wasn't permitted to be friends with her myself. For some reason they didn't like this and started threatening to not speak to me if I carried on seeing her, so stupidly that's what I stopped doing. Then funnily, they all started going out together and deliberately not inviting me.

I can always remember her once ripping up a piece of my coursework for no apparent reason.

Went on holiday with her and others, and she tried to prompt me to cheat on my boyfriend, saying "It's only him" (I didn't).

I always went to visit her and others at uni but they never once came to me, yet she visited her cousin who was 5 minutes away from my halls of residence.

We have also had so many good memories and conversations and been there for each other. I've heard her saying to people how nice and kind I am and she's given lots of compliments so I don't understand.

She's still part of the friendship group but rarely makes effort. Last time I saw her she started speaking really badly to me and bossing me about simply as she was drunk. I stood up to her and she just looked shocked and laughed.

I know she's had mental health and alcohol issues and lost her Mum which I know has been really tough.

Luckily I don't see her much but she's rude when drunk. She's married and seems very happy and recently congratulated me. Just never understood why she targeted me.

OP posts:

SharedLife · 15/02/2021 09:45

Because she's not a nice person. And she did it repeatedly because you kept yourself available for it. I hope now you're older you know you deserve better and won't allow that kind of treatment to continue.

Honeybobbin · 15/02/2021 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 15/02/2021 09:48

I’m guessing you probably want posters to say she must have been really jealous of you, and maybe she was, but I think I you should probably move on.

Margotshypotheticaldog · 15/02/2021 09:48

She was /is a bully?
Bullies are often deeply unhappy in their own lives for various reasons, so that explains why I suppose. I'd be giving her a wide bearth.

ThreeTwoOneBlastOff · 15/02/2021 09:51

She was never a friend.

Original poster

Joeyjay · 15/02/2021 09:51

I hope she wasn't, the thought of someone being jealous of me makes me sad. I should, it's just that I have to see her at events , it's mostly fine but as I say she's rude when she's drunk still to me.

OP posts:

Icecreamsoda99 · 15/02/2021 09:52

She was on a power trip and got pleasure from putting you down, she can't explain it you as who wants to admit their were a child/teen sociopath? She most likely was also extremely insecure. From what you say you can't accept just an apology from her, and I don't blame you, so my advice would to let the friendship die as she isn't going to admit that she enjoyed tormenting you.

Vytol · 15/02/2021 09:53

Sounds like she is still like this OP? She almost certainly won't change and you almost certainly aren't the only one she has targeted.

I think the question really is why did you put up with it for so long, and to a certain extent continue to do so?

It sounds like she is a toxic acquaintance not a friend.

Purplewithred · 15/02/2021 09:53

She's a bitch. Sounds very similar to a 'friend' I had in 6th form. My self esteem was rock bottom and I made myself available to be her acolyte/victim. Yes we did have some good times, mainly when it was just the two of us and she didn't need to show everyone else how superior she was. But actually she was a destructive bitch.

As PP have said step away, learn to love and value yourself.

grapewine · 15/02/2021 09:53

Because she wasn't a friend, and because you continued to be available to her as a target. It's likely that simple.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 15/02/2021 09:54

Surely you see her extremely rarely as there can’t have been any ‘events’ for ages and probably will not be for some time.

WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly · 15/02/2021 09:54

Why are you still mulling this over years later? She's not your friend. Maybe she took her insecurities out on you, maybe it's part of her mental health struggles.

What happened in the past can't be changed; she did what she did. Your only choice is if you're going to allow it in the future.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 15/02/2021 09:54

YABU to have put up with so much and continued this friendship. I know you say in your post there were good bits but i find it hard to believe anything would outweigh being treated in this way. IMO her reasons for treating you this way don't matter, they dont excuse this kind of behaviour, value yourself more and don't let any 'friend' treat you so poorly.

Original poster

Joeyjay · 15/02/2021 09:54

Yeah, that makes sense. I got an apology for the being frosty but nothing else. I guess she was insecure just never understood why it was taken out on me. I dread these events when she's drunk, luckily can't happen atm.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 15/02/2021 09:55

Insecurity

grapewine · 15/02/2021 09:55

Even if you have to see her at events, do you have to talk to her? Step away. You'll be happier.

Original poster

Joeyjay · 15/02/2021 09:56

I can't move on as i still see her sometimes. She can be lovely a lot of the time and yeah i get i was an easy target. At that age where people are getting married, hens etc. So in usual times lot of different events.

OP posts:

converseandjeans · 15/02/2021 09:57

She's never been a friend 🤷🏻‍♀️ she thinks she's better than you and got pleasure from people saying how you were unattractive. Just avoid there's nothing to be gained from continuing to speak to her.

judgingcat · 15/02/2021 09:57

She's a bully. I'd cut ties if she's still having this effect on you into your adult years, you'll feel better trust me.

Original poster

Joeyjay · 15/02/2021 09:58

She seems to be happy atm but gets aggressive when drunk. It's sad to admit but I was a bit scared of her growing up and other people noticed it.

OP posts:

SmidgenofaPigeon · 15/02/2021 09:59

Toughen up, why are you still putting up with her being rude to your face now?

Original poster

Joeyjay · 15/02/2021 09:59

I never go out of my way to contact her anymore. She does occasionally but not much, i wonder if she feels guilt. She always says we should visit her in London but it never materialises. The mutual friends comment on how little effort she makes so I don't know why they bother.

OP posts:

Original poster

Joeyjay · 15/02/2021 10:01

I stood up to her at the wedding last time but no apology or anything or recognition.

OP posts:

RabbityMcRabbit · 15/02/2021 10:01

If I were you OP I wouldn't bother with her anymore and when meeting up is allowed again I certainly wouldn't bother. She clearly only wants to be "friends" with you so she can be mean to you and to make herself feel better, she's no friend. Keep away from her

MrsBobDylan · 15/02/2021 10:01

Jesus Christ op, why have you allowed her to bully you for so long?

She is not a friend and it worries me how little you value yourself that you have stood by while she has done the most unforgivable things to you.

Even if you both orbit the same social circles still, just blank her. If she tries to apologies tell her there's no need as you won't be having any sort of relationship with her any more.

You are too good for her. She knows it and bullies you to keep you in your place.

Please op, bin her!!

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