Not sure why my friend was like this growing up

[Joeyjay]

I still see her at birthdays, weddings etc.

I could never work out why she had such an issue with me growing up. We lived in the same neighbourhood so would walk to college together. She would be really off with me and frosty, one word replies etc. And then when we got to school she was absolutely fine with others.
I could never for the life of me work out why , what I could have done to offend her. She apologised for it years later but never explained why.
She made rude comments about my acne and once said "If only you got a nose job, you'd be so pretty!" (I have since had one, not based on that but never liked my nose)

She was naturally a bit curvier than me but she had a great figure. I noticed she would make jibes like "Oh, getting a dessert too are you?" Then later she moaned "It's not fair, you eat loads yet you're thinner than me."

I never had luck with boys as a teen and she said "Well you've got so many things wrong with you, so it's not a surprise."

Later on in life she liked an older guy. At a party, I must have been in the same room as him for a whole minute and probably asked him the time or something mundane. She was drunk and accused me of flirting with him then started shoving me. She was only like this when drunk. I'd never flirted with men she'd liked in the past so not sure why she thought I would.

Once, she asked a guy who was prettier out of me and her. He said both, surely trying to be polite. She then pushed for an answer and he said her, and she was jumping for joy.

I ended up getting friendly with another girl that her and a mutual friend knew. I didn't know that i wasn't permitted to be friends with her myself. For some reason they didn't like this and started threatening to not speak to me if I carried on seeing her, so stupidly that's what I stopped doing. Then funnily, they all started going out together and deliberately not inviting me.

I can always remember her once ripping up a piece of my coursework for no apparent reason.

Went on holiday with her and others, and she tried to prompt me to cheat on my boyfriend, saying "It's only him" (I didn't).

I always went to visit her and others at uni but they never once came to me, yet she visited her cousin who was 5 minutes away from my halls of residence.

We have also had so many good memories and conversations and been there for each other. I've heard her saying to people how nice and kind I am and she's given lots of compliments so I don't understand.

She's still part of the friendship group but rarely makes effort. Last time I saw her she started speaking really badly to me and bossing me about simply as she was drunk. I stood up to her and she just looked shocked and laughed.

I know she's had mental health and alcohol issues and lost her Mum which I know has been really tough.

Luckily I don't see her much but she's rude when drunk. She's married and seems very happy and recently congratulated me. Just never understood why she targeted me.

I had a boss a bit like this would bully other people and make horrid comments. I believe the reason she never did it to me was because I stood up to her the first time she did it and made comments back. Some people are very good at reading others and knowing what they can get away with. If she isn't treating other friends like this then it's deliberate and there is probably some jealousy

This person was never your friend, she just gave you enough snippets of being nice to keep you dangling in hope for more niceness from her. She sounds very insecure and you were her readily available punching bag as you mostly put up with it.

Keep your distance and keep your interactions to an absolute minimum when in group situations - and I’d call her out on her rude behaviour, drunk or not.

She reminds me of a girl I ditched at 15 who was my best friend when it suited her & used me & bullied me basically... since then when I've come across women like that I've stood up to them & not made friends with them!

The friends I have are nice & make me feel relaxed around them.

Your 'friend' is basically a bully. Stand up to her every time.

In what sense is she your friend, and what is making you remain in contact with her?

You say yourself she makes no effort with you, and she is obnoxious and rude to you when you do see her. She very obviously doesn’t like you. So stop contacting her, and make an excuse and walk away if she approaches you drunk at parties.

How close are you to the rest of this friendship group?
Are any of them aware of how badly she has treated you?

Sadly she has more issues than you need in your life. Don't let it affect you

I don't think they are aware of the full extent. They are probably as close with her as I am now, i think the mixed behaviour has just confused me, for instance I moved in with my boyfriend and she messaged saying she was happy for me which was really nice, stuff like that.

When her Mum died I hadn't spoken to her for a year at that point and then she got in contact out of the blue to tell me, i was so gutted for her and had known her mum too I supported her for weeks then when she started feeling better didn't hear from her again.

Because she's an insecure, selfish arsehole.
Swerve her.

Sounds like she has issues but there is no need for you to be her emotional punchbag. She is behaving like a child so treat her like one. If she is rude to you when you are both at the same event just say 'no thank you' and walk away. You may not be able to completely avoid her but you can remove yourself as an option for her drunken attacks.

I have had ‘friends’ like this in my childhood. They were never friends, they were children who were never taught or cared about kindness. They were bullies who were insecure, a lot of these children grow up to mature, and many of them don’t. Don’t talk to her even as a politeness at events, make it clear you don’t want to interact with some one or two word answers, never allow her back into your life it doesn’t sound like she will change.

I love the 'no thank you' response @Hellodarknessmyoldpal - that is so simple yet so effective!

As for the nice bits - she wouldn't get away with doing the nasty bits she enjoys so much without the nice bits. They're fake.

You're going to run into plenty more people like this OP unfortunately. I used to give people several chances/let things go more but now I go with the wisdom of Maya Angelou and believe them the first time they show me who they are.

Should have nipped this in bud when she was rude on the way to college
Stop being a door mat , she doesn't like you

Come on op, a few nice comments and a small amount of support in a sea of nastiness and bullying doesn’t make a friend. Do you think you think your relationship with this woman is healthy? If you can’t hand on heart say yes, it’s time to start putting a distance between you and her.

Not a friend
She won’t change
You need to be a friend to yourself and not let people treat you in this toxic manner

Thanks everyone feeling a bit stronger xx

She’s a jealous bully. Don’t give her anymore headspace.

Wow, sounds like you should have ditched this one back when she was 12. She is likely insecure and you were the one that kept coming back despite how badly she treated you which made her feel better/good about herself.

Ah, the age old frenemy.

To be frank OP, it made her feel good to do these things. She enjoyed it and... as you're making clear here, she knew she could do it and you wouldn't lash back or ditch her.

So she continued. Simple.

I'd say she had very low self esteem and putting you down was a way of making herself feel a little bit better. She could walk all over you and tell you what to do and it gave her a feeling of power when she probably felt she had little or no control over things going on in her own life.

I'd say she had/has a lot of issues and is a horrible drunk and that you are better off leaving her to it. Concentrate on people who treat you with respect.

I had a best “friend” like this at school. I finally wised up and dumped her ass in our first year at (the same) university.

Our paths have crossed a few times since and she’s reached out on social media, but I’ve managed to keep her out of my life.

I spent a lot of time wondering why. I have my suspicions but I’ll never know exactly. Ultimately she did it because she could and because it brought her some sort of joy or relief.

Have you read Margaret Atwood’s Cat’s Eye? If not, I recommend it.

Also, how are your social skills? These things have never come naturally to me and I think that is why it didn’t occur to me that a friendship should be any different, despite having had some lovely friends who were nothing like that.

She was never your friend, and the reason she kept on doing it was because you were mug enough to keep going back for yet another kicking.

Your weakness probably made her despise you all the more.

I voted YABU simply because I don’t understand why she’s still in your life. Just don’t respond OP, even to the nice texts.

Your weakness probably made her despise you all the more

So a deep rooted fear of weakness maybe?

I had a 'friend' like this when I was growing up..always wanted to be top dog, put me down..a really nasty piece of work, although
thete were good times as well. She could get angry quite quickly.
i remember being in a 'lower' course than her after school, and she was mocking me about this whilst we were sat with some people in a bar..dont need these kind f people in our lives at all!