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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pissed off VALENTINES

34 replies

Amandapanda1 · 15/02/2021 09:01

Aibu to be pissed off?
Myself and oh have been together years but had a break up and recently got back together
I asked the other week if we were getting valentines gifts to which he replied yes course. Over the past 15 years he’s always disappointed me on valentines with either nothing or something lame in the afternoon once he’s bothered runnin to the shop and getting whats left!
Anyway he said yes so i went out the week before and got him a nice card & gift
Valentines morning i said ooo can I have my presents jokey he said ive not got them yet il go the shops in a bit grrr
I told him to forget it im taking yours back i was so annoyed he could have went the sat he was off work
he says im being spoilt wanting them as soon as i wake up and says im immature
He said he orderd me jewelery 2 days before but it hadn’t arrived shm and didn’t want the flowers to die if he bought them the day before.
I said ive had enough of feeling un loved, let down & worthless every year on valentines
We have had the same argument the past 10+ years

OP posts:

Original poster

Amandapanda1 · 15/02/2021 09:03

Sorry its not that the jewelery didn’t arrive it was click and collect but he hadn’t bothered to collect it the sat!

OP posts:

AnotherDelphinium · 15/02/2021 09:04

If you’ve agreed to do gifts, they should be read for when you wake up.

Only exceptions being if they’ll arrive by courier during the day (flowers mainly!).

I’d be pissed off if he just cba and hadn’t got anything.

BluebellsGreenbells · 15/02/2021 09:05

You are far too invested in one day.

We didn’t do presents or cards, but DH makes me tea every morning, he goes to the shop and buys me chocolates, put my PJs on the radiator to warm up, fetches logs for the fire.

You know the little things?

Quit4me · 15/02/2021 09:06

I think this is far more than just Valentine’s Day. If he was thoughtful, pulled his weight and prioritised you the other 364 days a year it wouldn’t really matter if he hadn’t got you presents on Valentine’s Day.

Original poster

Amandapanda1 · 15/02/2021 09:07

@BluebellsGreenbells lucky you

OP posts:

Fembot123 · 15/02/2021 09:07

It seems like you are placing too much value on this, you feel worthless because of it? Why does it mean so much to you, do you do nothing for each other the rest of the year.

Annoy · 15/02/2021 09:08

Just don’t bother from now on. It’ll save you another 10yrs of disappointment.

Valentines has turned in to a Halmark day anyway. You should both be showing that you love each other all year round.

TheoriginalLEM · 15/02/2021 09:08

Valentine's day is meant to be about sending a card to someone you like who doesn't know it yet.

Why do people fall for the bullshit marketing.

I did tease my DP about lack of card/chocolate yesterday but hey, he still got his bj!

He shows me he loves me every single day and has done for the past 28 years.

SylviaPlath1984 · 15/02/2021 09:08

[quote Amandapanda1]@BluebellsGreenbells lucky you[/quote]
She isn't lucky, that's just a normal healthy nice relationship. If your partner is crappy to you the other days of the year then there are bigger problems to look at.

Annoy · 15/02/2021 09:09

I seemed to have echoed what other pps are saying.

Does he do the little things? I wouldn’t say @BluebellsGreenbells is lucky. She’s in a loving relationship and the little thing happen naturally

Rupertbeartrousers · 15/02/2021 09:10

It’s a made up commercial day and there’s a pandemic on. Maybe it just isn’t a big deal to him, a bit of a neither here nor there gesture in his mind.

If he has form for this, maybe his love language isn’t gifts so he doesn’t equate good and timely gifts with showing love... does he make you appreciated in other ways, at non-prescribed/spontaneous times?

Either explain that valentines is important to you and you feel very hurt, or accept that it’s not a high priority in his mind and that he shows he loves and appreciates you in other ways?

Annoy · 15/02/2021 09:10

@TheoriginalLEM

Valentine's day is meant to be about sending a card to someone you like who doesn't know it yet.

Why do people fall for the bullshit marketing.

I did tease my DP about lack of card/chocolate yesterday but hey, he still got his bj!

He shows me he loves me every single day and has done for the past 28 years.

Ah the Valentines day bj 🍆 😯

NoSuchThingAsTooMuch · 15/02/2021 09:11

We all know Valentine's is commercial nonsense, but it's a piss-easy way to show a bit of affection for your romantic partner. Everything is right there in the shops, it takes a second to grab a token gift and card.

My partner and I only do jokey cards and gifts, and even then it's easy to do.

How does your partner treat you the rest of the year, OP? Do you feel cherished? Nurtured? Does he enjoy your company and seek out your opinions? Perhaps that's what's really lacking?

ShalomToYouJackie · 15/02/2021 09:11

If he hasn't bothered for the last 15 years why did you expect this year to be any different?

Aprilx · 15/02/2021 09:11

After fifteen years (we are about the same), I just cannot waste any money or energy on Valentine’s Day, and I don’t feel worthless.

User65412 · 15/02/2021 09:11

It sounds like if your relationship has been rocky recently due to the split, you're relying on him going all out on valentines to show/proves he loves you enough. And if you have the same argument every year and you've recently split, perhaps you are a bit insecure and feel that him doing all of that would reassure you in some way?
If your relationship is rock solid, you love eachother and know it and there's no other problems then you do sound a little unreasonable to be honest.
You say you feel 'un loved, let down & worthless every year on valentines'. Is it just valentines or are there other times asl well? Do you argue about other things?
Plenty of people don't get anything for valentines and don't feel unloved and worthless. I'm not anti-valentines or anything and I know lots of couples do it differently. If you'd agreed gifts previously then he seems silly of him to not have sorted it.

Thebizz · 15/02/2021 09:12

I’m not sure why you expected anything different if he’s let you down for ten years. What is he like on birthdays and Christmas?

And do you really believe him about the jewellery?

He doesn’t sound very caring.

Fembot123 · 15/02/2021 09:14

We don’t do anything for Valentines, in my opinion it’s for young/not well established relationships, Wedding anniversary on the other hand ☺️❤️ If this display of what you need then you don’t feel secure in this and everyone is worth more than that.

CallistoSol · 15/02/2021 09:14

Yabvu to have got back together with him. You know what he is like already.

ZaraW · 15/02/2021 09:17

YABU I'd be more concerned about how he treats you the other 364 days of the year.

Sammiesnake · 15/02/2021 09:17

I wouldn’t care about this to be honest - why stress over a Valentine’s present? He may have suprised you later in the day with the jewellery and flowers - why are you setting the rules on when is acceptable to give presents? It’s all just drama over nothing. Get him something if you want to, not just because you’re exchanging gifts. Perhaps just don’t get him anything if it’s a big deal he doesn’t respond in kind? Romance isn’t about pecking each other to do things the way you deem romantic enough. Do things you want to do to make him happy - and give him enough space and autonomy to be able to do the same for you.

Laiste · 15/02/2021 09:18

But surely how we (readers) feel or don't feel about valentines day has nothing to do with this. What's valid is how OP feels about it and she wanted to celebrate it, was hoping her DP would join in and surprise/please her, and he hasn't.

A leopard doesn't change it's spots OP. If he hasn't been interested in pleasing you (on valentines day or the other 364 days) for the last 15 years he isn't going to start now. This runs deeper than a debate about the commercialism of valentines day. He's a thoughtless partner year round by the sound of it.

Mumski45 · 15/02/2021 09:19

I find there is nothing less romantic than being TOLD when to be romantic. To me love is all the little things which we do for each other and not big gestures on a day that is thrust in our face for marketing purposes.

yoyo1234 · 15/02/2021 09:24

It's one day. It the others that count. Anyway Valentine seems to be having a full year and more. He is the saint of the plague.

CircleofWillis · 15/02/2021 09:25

I am with the OP. Gifts and thoughtful gestures are one of the important ways in which I feel loved. It is not about being materialistic. A bunch of flowers from a wild field or a box of my favourite tea will work very well. My husband knows this and after many years he realises how important these things are. He likes gifts too but physical touch is how he feels loved.

A friend gave me the book "the five languages of love". It really helped us to understand each other better and answer each other's needs.

The OP is not being materialistic or childish. She has expressed to her partner over the years how important this is to her and he continues to ignore it.

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