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AIBU?

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Original poster

Unfair-treatment of children

43 replies

diagold4u · 15/02/2021 02:00

Name changed.

I just want to know if am being unreasonable,

This has happened many times

It was my child's birthday few weeks ago, received no presents from dh family/siblings.
Couple weeks later it's my sil dc birthday, all of dh siblings have parcelled gifts over for sil dc, I know this via the group chat.
It happens all the time, I try to ignore it, I just don't understand how they can so openly treat their nieces and nephews unequally.
My child spoke to sil dc on FaceTime, so heard about all the gifts that was sent from uncles and aunts. And once again my dc is asking why didn't uncle and aunties send gifts on thier birthday.
I always gift their children, it's sad they can't reciprocated for their brothers children.
If I was going to treat my nieces and nephews unequally, I would gift in private so not to cause others feeling like why wasn't their kids given anything.

There's been many instances prior to Covid when other children in the family will be gifted in the presence of my children, which is just so rude. It's almost like trying to rub it in my face, otherwise you have plenty of time to give it in private!

What do I say to my child??
I hope this all makes sense, it's wrote in such way so that' it isn't outing. As they may be on mn.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/02/2021 02:04

Online, I'd ignore. In the presence of the children, you need to talk to DH and exit the children from it.

sneakysnoopysniper · 15/02/2021 02:04

Perhaps time to put some distance between yourself and the in laws and stop gifting their children. Concentrate on your own child.

CoRhona · 15/02/2021 02:09

Leave DH to buy for his own family. Just stop doing it - I guarantee you will feel better Wink

XelaM · 15/02/2021 02:25

How old are the children in question? Is there an age gap?

FredaFlintstone · 15/02/2021 02:28

Have you asked them? I couldn't not.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/02/2021 02:29

Can someone (like a parent maybe?) ask why they don't buy for your dc?

XelaM · 15/02/2021 02:31

To be honest, I often find myself being the one who is thoughtless. I've been divorced from my husband for 9 years now, but his sister (my former sister-in-law), brothers and his parents always remember my daughter's birthday and send or bring gifts. I am ashamed to say I often forget/don't know their kids' birthdays. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's true. I always buy them Christmas gifts though.

Wandavision · 15/02/2021 02:52

To be honest I'll go out on a limb and suggest that possibly SIL reminded her family it was her DC's birthday, whilst your DH may not?

user1473878824 · 15/02/2021 02:52

I’d be speaking to them rather than my child.

SionnachGlic · 15/02/2021 02:59

Sounds quite odd that they would treat your kids so differently. Do they have some issue with you or your husband, there is more to this whether you are aware of it or not. And tell your husband to explain how hurtful it is to his kids...they don't need exp gifts, a gesture would be enough (I think)

MessAllOver · 15/02/2021 05:56

Do you buy for their children? If so, that's downright weird behaviour not to buy for yours.

AlwaysCheddar · 15/02/2021 05:57

Stop buying for them!

rawlikesushi · 15/02/2021 06:03

I expect the other family do a more thorough job of reminding everyone of when one of their dc's birthdays is coming up.

Anything more than a one-off I'd be asking why, or getting dh to ask why.

If nothing changed, I'd stop buying for their children.

MessAllOver · 15/02/2021 06:15

Sorry, just seen that you always gift their children Blush. It's very odd, especially if all children are of similar ages.

I'd stop sending gifts, just send a card, and use any money saved to treat your DC instead. You could warn them in advance - "Hi X, we wish DC a happy birthday for the 15th. Just to let you know we're not doing presents anymore to fit in with the family approach of not sending children gifts but we'll send a card."

Then the onus is on them to correct you and point out that they do gifts for other children but just not for yours.

Playnoh · 15/02/2021 06:58

So mean. What does your DH say?

Adancewithdragons · 15/02/2021 08:05

This happened to me, I was so annoyed that I had gone out of my way to send presents / cards and it wasn’t reciprocated. I’ve decided I’m not going to send presents and cards this year and spend the extra cash on my children.

I can’t change them so I’m choosing to accept that’s how they are and cracking on with my DC. It’s unfair, not equal and not how I behave but it’s the realisation that not everyone has the same outlook on life with family as me.

Daisydrum · 15/02/2021 08:19

Hi, can you remind them? And say DC’s must be lost in the post

TheGoodEnoughWife · 15/02/2021 08:24

You need to protect your child from this. Any/all of the following...

Ask why they don't buy for your child?
Stop buying for their children.
Not letting your child FaceTime or communicate however when inconsistencies are going to be apparent.

What they are doing is awful but you need to step up for your child.

Lostinthemail · 15/02/2021 08:30

Stop the buying for their children, stop the FaceTime contact, leave the group chat. You can’t change them, but you can remove yourself from the situation.

MrsToadlike · 15/02/2021 09:12

Sorry OP but I'm in a sort of similar situation.

I realised it was just part of the wider family dynamics - my OH is the "black sheep" of the family because he's different to his other siblings (by different I mean that he's not arrogant, doesn't look down on people and he treats people with respect). As a result this dynamic has passed onto me and is starting to pass down to my DC too. Could this be the same for you too? Is your OH a least favoured child?

The only thing I can say is this OP. My lightbulb moment was last year on my birthday - I did not receive any cards from my OH's siblings. It was not the first birthday where this happened. I've been with OH for nearly 2 decades so I'm not a new person in the family. I always sent cards for birthdays and christmas, arranged presents for the siblings, their partners, their kids. So I cut way back this year, a simple generic birthday card in the post, but no presents or messages on social media or anything like that. Honestly I feel so much better for doing that, because that way if they do ignore my birthday again this year I won't feel put out!

It's a shame in a way I took so long to realise. And now I concentrate 100% on my own family now who I know love my DC completely and utterly.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 15/02/2021 09:14

I think you need to say something to them, not your children! Most adults would be upset if say a group of friends were all buying for each other apart from that one adult. Do they acknowledge your gifts to them? Do they give a gift list etc? Is your child also your husbands child or is he not the father?
He could start by saying your children are now old enough to notice that their cousins don't buy them anything and say they have been upset and then ask why

OwlinaTree · 15/02/2021 09:17

Yes two of my sisters are like this. I find it very hurtful. I don't want to stop buying gifts for my nieces and nephews but I'm so fed up of my children being ignored.

Cheator · 15/02/2021 09:32

Nasty behaviour, can you husband ask his siblings?

What is the age range of the children? Do the others live closer to each other or spend more time together?

Original poster
diagold4u · 15/02/2021 12:44

They are my husbands children. The children are all similar ages.
Sil and I live close by to one another. The others live further away.
One of the sibling dropped off gifts at the door, the rest of them parcelled it over.
I did say to dh why didn't dc get gifts left on our door step let alone not have anything parcelled over, he completely acknowledges his siblings are twats for treating little children in this manner, showing favouritism which now the children are old enough to understand. He wouldn't ask, as his family are the type to make a big deal out of the smallest things, they will make out that we are in the wrong for expecting gifts and will not acknowledge what they are doing is wrong.
It's funny because at one point, this was years ago, sil had a falling out with one of her brothers, that brother would show my child a lot of attention and she would very openly get upset that her child is being left out by that brother. I told her its wrong and he should be treating them all equally, funny now that her child is getting all the attention, she couldn't care any less about the inequality treatment.

We can't win either way, if we say something they'll all make a fuss and stop talking to us most likely.
They are the type that act very entitled, they will go mental if someone forgot to say happy birthday to them or give a gift, yet they will happily forget everyone elses birthday and won't even acknowledge it on the group or in real life.

I will have to stop sending/giving gifts, from now on, that money I will just spend on my own children or my own siblings children. I hate that I will have to resort to that, I do enjoy gifting, I'll see certain toys that I know dh nieces/nephews would love, and can't help myself from buying it for them. If it's not working two ways then I just can't continue

OP posts:
Original poster
diagold4u · 15/02/2021 12:48

One of dh sibling lives in a different country. That sibling will only send gifts for children on their first 1 year birthday. After that nothing. However for sil child, every year will gift on birthday and for other occasions throughout the year.
And yet this sibling has the audacity to say they treat all of their nephews and nieces like as though they are her own children! Actions speak otherwise

OP posts:
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