Unfair-treatment of children

[diagold4u]

Name changed.

I just want to know if am being unreasonable,

This has happened many times

It was my child's birthday few weeks ago, received no presents from dh family/siblings.
Couple weeks later it's my sil dc birthday, all of dh siblings have parcelled gifts over for sil dc, I know this via the group chat.
It happens all the time, I try to ignore it, I just don't understand how they can so openly treat their nieces and nephews unequally.
My child spoke to sil dc on FaceTime, so heard about all the gifts that was sent from uncles and aunts. And once again my dc is asking why didn't uncle and aunties send gifts on thier birthday.
I always gift their children, it's sad they can't reciprocated for their brothers children.
If I was going to treat my nieces and nephews unequally, I would gift in private so not to cause others feeling like why wasn't their kids given anything.

There's been many instances prior to Covid when other children in the family will be gifted in the presence of my children, which is just so rude. It's almost like trying to rub it in my face, otherwise you have plenty of time to give it in private!

What do I say to my child??
I hope this all makes sense, it's wrote in such way so that' it isn't outing. As they may be on mn.

OP, what do you want to teach your children? That it’s ok to be treated unfairly?
Or that you should stand up for yourself?
All the reasons for not speaking up are excuses and make me really sad to think that your children’s parents won’t stand up for them. Fight or Flight.

@MrsToadlike

Sorry OP but I'm in a sort of similar situation.

I realised it was just part of the wider family dynamics - my OH is the "black sheep" of the family because he's different to his other siblings (by different I mean that he's not arrogant, doesn't look down on people and he treats people with respect). As a result this dynamic has passed onto me and is starting to pass down to my DC too. Could this be the same for you too? Is your OH a least favoured child?

The only thing I can say is this OP. My lightbulb moment was last year on my birthday - I did not receive any cards from my OH's siblings. It was not the first birthday where this happened. I've been with OH for nearly 2 decades so I'm not a new person in the family. I always sent cards for birthdays and christmas, arranged presents for the siblings, their partners, their kids. So I cut way back this year, a simple generic birthday card in the post, but no presents or messages on social media or anything like that. Honestly I feel so much better for doing that, because that way if they do ignore my birthday again this year I won't feel put out!

It's a shame in a way I took so long to realise. And now I concentrate 100% on my own family now who I know love my DC completely and utterly.

But you haven't balanced out the unfair treatment though, have you? You still sent a card. One event passes without a card from someone then all cards from me to them - stop. Completely

Op, it's this type that rely on your type to keep doing what they do.

They require you to be passive, roll over and let them do what the hell they like.
I've had similar in dh family and that coupled with so much more, I can't expose dc to them anymore.

Am not trying to teach my children that unfairness is fine. Naturally when they are older and independent they will know for themselves truly, who really cares for them and who doesn't, thanks to dh weird family, my children will naturally incline more towards my side of the family because they show their love and care towards my children.

These people are something else, nothing I or dh can say except that they will turn it around to make it look like we are jealous and greedy, they will not see what they are doing is wrong.
Perhaps after covid if it happens in the presence of my children again, I will say something to the effect of 'dc is upset now, should have gave it in private'
Although I once did say something along those lines, and was told oh sorry I was supposed to get your child something, didn't get the chance, will do so next time. Next time never came.

Fgs grow a spine, if not for your own sake then for your dc. Stop sending gifts to their kids and if they ask why, tell them straight. If they go off in a huff so much the better.

@Wandavision

To be honest I'll go out on a limb and suggest that possibly SIL reminded her family it was her DC's birthday, whilst your DH may not?

I suspect this is the case

Whoever doesn't buy for yours, don't buy for theres. They obviously don't feel the same about your kids than the other kids (and I don't mean that cruelly).

FFS, step up and stop exposing your DC to these people.

Mil tried this shit, she favoured DD over ds and lost interest in both when her dd had a child. Mil has not seen my DC for 15 years. And we're all the happier for it. I will not have my DC being made to feel inferior because some twisted adult is getting a warped kick out of it.

Don't the grandparents buy gifts?

I agree it's bizarre behaviour & they should keep quiet on group chat.

My SIL fell out with me about 5 years ago and my children do get sent a gift but it's always labelled from the cousins which is bizarre.

To be honest I would just send a text to them all now, including the in laws, saying that your children have now picked up on how unfairly they treat them, ie presents are bought and birthdays celebrated for the other kids. Your first priority has to be them, so moving forward , as they appear to not want a relationship with them you are backing out of presents and family get together from now on.

Then just get on with life with your side of the family.

I can’t be doing with people who don’t treat children the same

I'm lost as to why "so why do you buy presents for sil dc but not mine" has never been asked

@RuledbyASD
A bit extreme? Multiple forgotten events with no card or acknowledgement... ok but just one missed event? They could just be having a tough time of it and genuinely forgot.

@Porcupineintherough if you read properly you would've read I stopped with the gifting. I didn't buy sil dc birthday gift as she didn't get anything for my child.
I'll no longer be buying for dh siblings children, .

"One event passes without a card from someone then all cards from me to them - stop. Completely"

God i wish you were my family, NOTHING stops the cards with them

I’ve got mixed feelings about this. Non of my siblings bought my kids gifts when they were little, then went on to have their own families and we all dutifully exchanged gifts. The last two years I have been beyond stressed and so birthdays have passed me by without acknowledgment. I can’t find the energy to beat myself up, I know my siblings will be pissed off but it is what it is until my life gets easier.

I’d wonder if there was some back story you didn’t know about

They don’t sound like people I would want to spend time with, so I wouldn’t. This is a teaching moment, it’s poor behaviour and its not wrong to give the behaviour a name, hopefully your children will be stronger for it in the long run.

Part of the family dynamic, is you accepting their bullshit but you don’t have to.