He told me to grow up

[thesedarkdayshavebrokenmyheart]

I've had a very bad weekend mentally. As in, feeling I want to escape from life bad. I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, and things have got rapidly worse over the past few months, but this weekend has been something else.

I can't eat, and Ive lost a lot of weight recently. I am a few lbs away from going to underweight bmi. I can't sleep, which is awful because my anxiety is worse late at night. So I take ask me antihistamines to knock me out and spare me the anxiety.

Yesterday, I was thinking 'if this gets so bad and x or y does happen, there's always a way out'. I really don't think I would actually go through with such a drastic thing, but somehow the feeling brought me comfort.

Anyway, I was telling a friend over message how bad and worried I feel about x and y, and that sometimes I wish I was dead so I wouldn't be trapped in my head with these feelings anymore. And he told me to grow up.

I feel even more upset after that remark. I wish I could grow up and snap out of it! I wish I could

Sorry but you cannot expect another person to feel your feelings - can you find a professional who can help you?

The majority of people are not equipped with the right experience to help you

Yes I know that's true, but I think it is the term 'grow up' I find upsetting. As if I am being childish and can snap out of it - if that's true I would like to know how. I am having online CBT but I find it very limiting.

The OP wasn't expecting someone else to 'feel her feelings', she was talking to a friend with the expectation of them showing some empathy.

I hope you're okay OP. Try not to think about what your friend said too much, they just didn't respond very kindly.

Sorry that your friend is rubbish. Definitely not helpful.
Do you have any one else that you think may be supportive or would you consider talking with a professional?

Would talking things through on here help at all.

Nah sorry, there’s no excuse for that. Even the happiest person in the world with no experience of feeling this way knows not to say “grow up”.

OP, I’ve been where you are. Have you tried beta blockers?

He's a bastard and he is not a friend. I wouldn't even speak to him after that.

It will get better. I know people always say that and it sounds like bullshit, but it will

The people providing cbt, do they have a phone line?

In the same way he shouldn't have said that to you because it upset you, maybe you shouldn't be telling him about your lowest thoughts because he's a friend and it's a lot to ask of each other to have to give and receive that level of support.
I would recommend that you can tell him when you feel low if you want to, but anything further into it could better to talk to a helpline or something. I know it's hard but they're there to help and your friend is there to be a friend.

I think there is enough awareness around mental health issues for the ops friend to know this was an appalling response. So sorry you have such a unsupportive friend OP and I really hope you get through this you sounds like you are having a really tough time. Do you take anything for the anxiety? I found sertraline really helped me but it takes some time to kick in

My sympathies. Anxiety is awful, when you just can't relax or eat. Are you aware of any trigger factors that set you off or anything that makes you feel better?

Sometimes, these small comments really cut deep. I had an awful time last year, starting a new high pressured job during lockdown, being unable to meet colleagues, being cheated on and dumped by my boyfriend, all in the same month. I've worked throughout lockdown and someone on an internet site told me to "go and work in a hospital to see what coronavirus is really like", and that really upset me. As if I've been doing nothing.

Anyway, I think you have to look at it as a range of remarks, from the very stupid and thoughtless to the more helpful. I can't think what your friend meant by "grow up". It is one of those particularly pointless remarks, along with "Get a life".

The CBT really helped me. I think lockdown is like groundhog day in terms of anxiety and not being able to relieve it.

Sorry if this sounds insensitive but please get your blood levels checked- vitamin deficiency can make you exactly this way

You need to phone your GP. If your thinking has become this serious ---> GP with you, my Dear.

Oh, and it was (of course) an awful thing to say.

But ---> GP.

Don’t share your suicidal ideation with people who aren’t equipped to deal with it. You telling someone you wish you were dead puts far too much responsibility on him or her.

I don't think he was being nasty or something. He most likely just panicked and said the wrong thing. Everyone reacts differently to hearing that someone wishes they were dead.
It's also harder over messages.

I hope you feel better soon

That’s one crap friend. Grow up was totally out of context to the conversation!

Sorry you’re feeling like that OP. Are you under the mental health services? Have you got anyone other than this “friend “ to talk to.

There’s a NHS website I think it’s www.NHS/help or something like that. Could you Google it? Hope you’re ok xx

This is one of those times where context would be good to know and the other side of this conversation. On the surface and just by going on your post, it sounds very brusque and heartless. But perhaps you are overwhelming everyone with your issues to the point of possibly being very self-centred and dumping too much of your issues on other people. A lot of people in the moment really struggle and the last thing they need is to be the emotional dumping ground of someone who might be a bit of a drama llama. So, no, I won't condemn this friend without the back story.

You need sertraline. 50mg. It will change your life.

Let your first act of saving your mental health and self respect be dropping him as a friend, or at the very least, not confiding in him when you feel shit any more. You are your responsibility.

I don't think you need to grow up, but I think that upsets you had as a child have not been resolved, and so, now, you have to parent yourself. Do what you would do for a child who felt like you do. Hug? Ice cream? Hot water bottle? Favourite cosy blanket? Easy gentle distracting film? Whatever you would have liked as a child.

Growing up is parenting your child-self, not dismissing it, as he has done. Dismissing it is probably what's caused the problems in the first place, so him doing that now will hurt you twice as much.

Do you have kids or other responsibilities op? Was that where he was coming from?

Hey OP, I think it was good that you reached out to a friend in real life for support. Unfortunately, your friend's response was completely insensitive and inappropriate.
I agree somewhat with PP that people struggle to respond to these kind of issues...but a bit of basic empathy is surely not too much to ask.
You have obviously already seen your doctor about this, but as it has worsened recently, you really must try and speak to them as they can give you the support you need.

Mental health issues are real, you cannot just 'grow up'. You deserve to feel well and happy. You WILL have better days. hang on in there xxx

No I don't have kids

Crikey.

It's not ok to tell someone to grow up. It's a bit like saying 'you'll get over it' or 'stop being silly'. Especially someone who is feeling this low.

Is there anyone else you can confide in? He either can't or won't support you.

That was very unkind, what he said. It was not right, and not true. You sound very eloquent from your post so I don't believe he misunderstood you and what you meant.

Unfortunately, people that have never experienced mental health issues don't understand what it feels like, when you do. It is something frightening to them and they don't want to confront it. Discussing what is a normal thought pattern to you, like considering the good and bad aspects to suicide, is alarming to someone whose only experience of life is that it's a positive thing. So they push you away, out of fear, often with very hurtful words because you've brought up a subject they are afraid to deal with (their own mortality. )

Many years ago, after I'd been through a traumatic life experience, I went through a stage of feeling that suicide was a reassuring safety net. I didn't want to do it; but it gave me comfort to know the option was there. I tentatively told a good friend about my feelings. She said she thought I needed to speak to a priest. (Neither of us were, or had ever been, religious. She clearly just thought there was some element of evil in feeling that way). That stuck with me and I still believe that the inability to be truly heard or understood contributes to a lot of mental health problems.

On the face of it he was awful but it's very hard to be the friend someone in a dark place offload to and you don't know what's going on in his life. Maybe he has something that does make him feel justified comparatively.

You need to find someone else to talk to.