To be planning another baby

[AndTheMillions]

My youngest was meant to be my last baby !
8 months old now......

Obviously conceived before covid. I had such big plans-groups to go to , going out with friends etc etc
Been stuck in. Bored and a bit down in some ways, in other ways it’s been nice but not as expected and there was a lot of stress around appts and birth etc.

So. I have decided to have another ‘last’ baby, to wait till maybe a year (as had a c section) and try again if Covid seems to be getting better if things not back to normal then maybe wait a bit longer and 🤞 covid improves things going back to normal and it can be how we planned, it’s not that i haven’t enjoyed this baby I have it’s just I don’t feel finished now if that makes sense ! But I worry it’s just a reaction to the whole pandemic but I do want another now... confusing feelings !!

I don't really get the "missing out" on loads of things bit? Do people actively enjoy and look forward to all that baby group malarkey? I find the baby years are just something you endure until you get to the fun part. I can't imagine feeling like you - I'd just be glad you're nearly out of the the most boring part and life can resume to post-baby calm.

Plus, swanning around having tea with friends won't be the same with no.4 as you'll also have a toddler to wrangle - those were hideous times IMO!

Clearly everyone's different but I think it would be madness to have another for those reasons. Obviously we're VERY different as I think it would be madness having 4 in general

@HitchFlix quite clearly people who have had babies in lockdown have missed out... I don’t get why people pretend they’d prefer it. My baby hasn’t met one set of grandparents, aunties and uncles. We can’t even do simple things like pop out to the shops to look round all the baby clothes, go for lunch with friends or go on days out. We just walk around our local park. It’s nonsense to pretend otherwise.

If you want another baby OP have one. We are about to start trying again and have an 8 month old. We’d always planned this and don’t want to have to change our plans.

I don’t get why people pretend they’d prefer it. My baby hasn’t met one set of grandparents, aunties and uncles. We can’t even do simple things like pop out to the shops to look round all the baby clothes, go for lunch with friends or go on days out. We just walk around our local park. It’s nonsense to pretend otherwise.
Absolutely
"Oh I never wanted to go to those groups so you're not missing out" well there's not wanting to and not being able to and what did you do instead? Cos I probably can't do that either
"Oh o always loved taking mine to the park!" As the only permitted activity for months in winter?
"New babies are boring" well imagine how much worse that it when it's illegal to leave you house just because you want to.
"I never had close family around me anyway" bit the chances are you had someone. Friends. Work colleagues. Toddle Waddle group. Anyone. And even if not you COULD if you want to. All this "go and peanut and meet for a coffee!" we're in a pandemic, were not meant to be meeting strangers for a coffee. That's the whole point!!

We have the two pairs. Older ones are 8, 9 and 11, younger ones are 2 and 6 months. It works really well for us, the older ones love their baby brothers and we get by ok.

Don’t make a hasty decision, wait a year and see how you feel.

@SleepingStandingUp

I don’t get why people pretend they’d prefer it. My baby hasn’t met one set of grandparents, aunties and uncles. We can’t even do simple things like pop out to the shops to look round all the baby clothes, go for lunch with friends or go on days out. We just walk around our local park. It’s nonsense to pretend otherwise. Absolutely "Oh I never wanted to go to those groups so you're not missing out" well there's not wanting to and not being able to and what did you do instead? Cos I probably can't do that either "Oh o always loved taking mine to the park!" As the only permitted activity for months in winter? "New babies are boring" well imagine how much worse that it when it's illegal to leave you house just because you want to. "I never had close family around me anyway" bit the chances are you had someone. Friends. Work colleagues. Toddle Waddle group. Anyone. And even if not you COULD if you want to. All this "go and peanut and meet for a coffee!" we're in a pandemic, were not meant to be meeting strangers for a coffee. That's the whole point!!

OP has 2 other children. Its not like she hasn't done this stuff before. Bringing another child into the world so you can experience social aspects of being a new mum is not a good reason to have a baby, its selfish. Have a baby if you actually WANT another baby, but she said her last child was meant to be her last but she feels robbed of the social side so wants to try again.

@kowari

There is no guarantee that this baby and the next would get along as siblings. I'm closer to my sibling 10 years younger than my sibling 3 years younger.

Me too. I was the surprise "gap" baby my parents thought they'd better have a companion for. We never got along and still don't. As an adult I remain much closer to my much older sisters.

From your post it sounds like you want another baby purely because you didn't get to do all the things you wanted to on your mat leave. That in my opinion is a poor reason to have a baby, however my opinion doesn't matter. If you and your partner want another then best of luck.

All the reasons you've given are the wrong reasons to have another baby and are rather selfish.
If you actually want a baby, then have one... but if you was 100 percent sure you did.. would you really be asking for opinions on a Internet forum? You wouldn't.

@Sceptre86

From your post it sounds like you want another baby purely because you didn't get to do all the things you wanted to on your mat leave. That in my opinion is a poor reason to have a baby, however my opinion doesn't matter. If you and your partner want another then best of luck.

Tbh yes a bit I had a lot of therapy for years and a lot focused on what had my expectations been pre pnd and looking to if I had another done nice things to look forward to and where I would get support and friendship etc so this time I had a lot planned in line with that and obviously it didn’t happen so yes it is partly that but also after waiting so long I do feel yes I would like another now

@judgingcat

All the reasons you've given are the wrong reasons to have another baby and are rather selfish. If you actually want a baby, then have one... but if you was 100 percent sure you did.. would you really be asking for opinions on a Internet forum? You wouldn't.

I think it’s fine to ask opinions on an Internet forum !

I do understand with what you've said about the age differences. I have older and younger ones and since the very youngest came along such a noticeable difference in the next youngest as a little one to play with. There was such a large age gap between the youngest and the rest.

Also, to an extent, I do understand about the feeling of missing out on things due to Covid and lockdown. However, I don't think that things will suddenly get back to "normal" anytime soon at all.

So if you do decide to go ahead with another child then you really need to keep it in mind that a lot of the previous activities etc probably won't be available this time around again. As otherwise you could easily end up feeling that you and little one have missed out again and feel a massive urge to have another one!

I would be having a big think about things and chats also. You should really think about a newborn baby along with a toddler full of energy and also the needs of older children on top who will also need lots of time and attention however much they like to act at times that they don't.

Trying to get places with a newborn and a toddler is a nightmare and wouldn't be great for certain groups at all as they both have two different set of needs so I certainly wouldn't be including social reasons for a reason for having another child.

Hormones can be very powerful things!

It kind of sounds like your 8mo was supposed to be the baby you "got it right" with after your PND with your second, except the pandemic meant it still wasn't "right". So now you want another shot at the "right" newborn and baby experience.

Sorry but that really isn't a sound reason for another child. Probably most of us had an idea of how things would go with birth/our baby or small child and didn't get it. Maybe we thought we'd breastfeed or have a natural birth or blissfully love that period or travel all over visiting family. But reality happened and we didn't get it. And nothing can change that. Another baby won't rewrite this experience, and won't be "right" in some way either. I wanted a home birth for my second, it didn't work out. I'd still like to have had that home birth, but I can't have another baby just for that; it might go even less to plan, even before we leave aside the consequences of creating another whole human to fulfil a wish that might never have been grounded in reality.

I think because babies haven't yet developed a strong and clear preference and personality, it's easy to see them as blank slates in this regard and think we can just rerun the sequence of events by "having another". But they aren't. Whether you have another baby or not, you'll still have to deal with your feelings about this mat leave not being the one you wanted and envisioned. When you've done that, if you still want another baby, even if your mat leave doesn't go to plan again, even if you have a bad birth, even if your child has SEN, then you can think about it.

It’s not just the whole pnd issue though I do feel that due to covid and due to other reasons I feel I’m not actually done when i thought I was

Well it's hard to comment without knowing what the other reasons are, but it's pretty hard to understand why Covid, generically, would make you feel not done with children when you thought you were done before.

It's your life and your decision, but it still sounds to me like you want to rerun your baby experience until it's "right", and I'm really not sure that will lead to a good place for either you or your family.

Eight months is pretty early to decide to go again anyway, so why not just pause that thought for a while and see where you are in six months?

Your baby is in my 8 months and already you are focusing in what you've missed out since they were born instead of focusing in all the positive? Already focusing in the next one on the line to make up for it?

I'm getting quite agitated just thinking about what you are saying. You cant have another baby just to have the right sort of maternity leave and feel you are in a nice place to stop having them.

What about if your mental health declines again or its too hard having a toddler and a baby so it disrupts your nice image again? Will there be a 5th one then to try and crack it with.

I don't mean this unkindly but it sounds like you still have a lot of unresolved issues. Rather than bringing more children into that just focus on the ones you have.

But your baby is only 8 months old! You still have loads of baby time ahead of you.

Sorry OP but I think it's way too risky. You could have twins. You could have complications. You could have PND again. We could be in another lockdown!

I understand the psychological urge to 'get it right' but I think this is a sign you should explore this more in therapy, not have another baby.

@HitchFlix

I don't really get the "missing out" on loads of things bit? Do people actively enjoy and look forward to all that baby group malarkey? I find the baby years are just something you endure until you get to the fun part. I can't imagine feeling like you - I'd just be glad you're nearly out of the the most boring part and life can resume to post-baby calm.

Plus, swanning around having tea with friends won't be the same with no.4 as you'll also have a toddler to wrangle - those were hideous times IMO!

Clearly everyone's different but I think it would be madness to have another for those reasons. Obviously we're VERY different as I think it would be madness having 4 in general

"I don't really get the "missing out" on loads of things bit? Do people actively enjoy and look forward to all that baby group malarkey? I find the baby years are just something you endure until you get to the fun part. I can't imagine feeling like you - I'd just be glad you're nearly out of the the most boring part and life can resume to post-baby calm. "

This. Totally get this.

OP only you know if you want and can support another child.

I do get the missing out thing though. Maybe I would have hated baby groups, maybe I wouldn't have. I'll never know. DS is likely to be an only. He's 14 months now and I didn't manage any groups before lockdown.

I'm back at work and working 7 days a week so no chance for toddler groups when they re-open. I'm often sad that we didn't get to do those things and my mat leave was spent in the house. I'll never get that time back.

Oh and he doesn't have much of a relationship with anyone outside of me and DH because he missed the under 1s support bubble by 12 days.

I wouldn’t be ttc till 12m anyway as was told to wait as had a c section so it’s not like I’m going to start now without thinking more
This thread is just a way of me to ‘think’ and get some other opinions which I’m taking on board and it’s helpful
I think I waited so long and had forced myself to think a very certain way and to have some goals which without covid woukd have been fine but the timing hasn’t gone in my favour. I’m just using this as a space to explore things and get some friendly advice

You already have three children, including two older ones, so I'm sure you're already well aware what having a baby and having an older child are like. If you and DH want another baby and can manage another (i.e.have the financial and emotional capacity for one), have another baby. I would personally agree with leaving it a little bit longer though, to give your body time to get over the last birth and to give your current youngest a bit longer being "the baby" and having your full attention before you get pregnant again.

You know what’s right for you, just think carefully about the longterm of both options. If you have enough space, it’s not going to impact financially or practically on your existing children then it’s up to you. I can understand wanting a similar age sibling for your baby.

I think you’re right I need to push this to the back of my mind for now at least

Are you returning to work after maternity? Will you be working full time? I work part-time and am looking forward to doing things on my day off e.g. swimming lessons, lunch with friends.

I can understand your disappointment, especially after having PND. I think it's a bit dangerous building it up too much though. My second maternity leave was quite different to my first, as I had to fit around nursery runs and entertaining two children. If you ttc from when your baby is 1, they will be fairly close together. Would you keep your current baby in childcare? Coffee and cake with mum friends is not worth it if you are supervising a toddler and newborn!

@SleepingStandingUp There's quite a difference between hVing 1 or 2 children and having 4 (which OP is considering).