To take the car off him..

[Teenagerwillbethedeathofme]

NC for this as potentially outing info. Looking for advice as to what other parents of older teenagers would do in this situation as I'm a single parent and don't want to discuss with family at this point.
There's a bit of backstory so bear with..

I bought DS a car for his 17th in January that he absolutely adores and has been doing up as a little lockdown project as college work has been sporadic at best.
He was actually given a sum of money at Christmas by grandparents that technically should have been to buy a car but he blew it all on other things within a few weeks, leaving himself without enough cash to buy one. That really annoyed me if I'm honest and if this was normal times and he was still working I wouldn't have bought him the car, I'd have left him to save up himself from his wages.

So I only really bought him the car because
a) he's been furloughed from his part time job since October and can't save for his own and
b) because he'd quit smoking after a 3 day HDU admission in October with a life- threating asthma attack that medics really struggled to get under control. It's taken him months to recover and is on a big increase in medication.

So the car was a "Happy Birthday" and a "well done for quitting smoking", and a motivational project as morale is pretty low after the last 12 months.

The car is in my name and I'm paying the tax and insurance until he passes his test.

The last few days he's come home from "exercising with a friend" absolutely reeking of tobacco..
I confronted him and he said he'd been standing too close to his friend.
The same happened last night and he eventually admitted to smoking "half a cigarette".. but I'm pretty sure it's been happening for a few days now.

I saw red internally if I'm honest, but didn't react I just calmly asked him to give me the car keys and I'd speak to him when I'm ready to. That was last night, he's still asleep so haven't seen him today to speak to but I'm still not calm enough to have a productive conversation.

My question is where to go from here.
I feel that I need to really hit home with a strong message and quite honestly at this point feel so let down that my urge to just sell the car and let him save for his own once hospitality reopens is very strong.
I'm aware that this is a big reaction, but I'm at my wit's end with the smoking (have tried everthing previously) and perhaps naively thought the car would be enough to keep him on track. He knows I wouldn't have bought it had he been smoking, I'd made that clear.
So it's all a bit of a slap in the face as aside from everything I'm not exactly rich, I dipped into my very meagre safety net savings for it because I wanted to help him out.

I don't feel as though I can just roll over and say- "oh you just carry on smoking and risking another hospitalisation on oxygen and a drip and hey, here's your car keys!! ...

So, with all the above considered...WWYD??

Don’t sell the car, but hide the keys. Preferably in someone else’s house.

I have a 17yo DS.

Yes,life is quite crap for them right now. But I certainly wouldn't be giving him the keys back any time soon (it's not like he can drive it anywhere) I'd be absolutely livid about him spending the Christmas money on something other than a car!

My DH would not only take the keys he'd sell the car.

It's a really tough age because if you come down too hard it drives them away and they'll just go to their friends house and smoke cigarettes. If you don't come down hard enough they take the piss (like spending car money on other things)

Who will be paying for his lessons? Because it wouldn't be me.

Depending on his reaction I would give the keys back so he's able to do up the car to keep him busy (does he actually know what he's doing with it?)

@StillCoughingandLaughing

Don’t sell the car, but hide the keys. Preferably in someone else’s house.

He can't drive it anyway, so what difference would that make?

OP I am probably going to have the opposite opinion to everyone but I believe if you give a gift then you do just that. You don't give it and take it back when it suits and you don't give it as a method to exercise control over someone else.

That said, you haven't actually given him anything. It's registered, taxed and insured by you. It's your car.

He can't drive it anyway, so what difference would that make?

Because if he’s doing it up as a lockdown project, presumably he needs to get into it? How does he test if the engine is running properly if he can’t turn it on? Even if he can work on the engine without keys, presumably he will want to see if the thing works at some point?

What will you do in a few months time when he turns 18 and smokes? He will be an adult and able to make his own decisions. You can't take the keys off him then can you. You'd be treating him like a naughty child.

One of mine was a young smoker. Being a massive hate of mine it really upset me. Trust me when I say I tried everything to get them to stop. Nothing worked. She's an adult now and still smokes. She regrets becoming a smoker but has openly admitted nothing I could of done would of stopped her. But as her mom I had to try didn't I.

All you can do is keep trying to dissuade him. But treating him like he's 14 won't work IMO

Yes I was really annoyed about the Christmas money, it was basically given with the message to "spend on whatever you like" but with the assumption by them it would go on a car as it was a month before his 17th and it was certainly enough to get a little run around.

My concern as you say is driving a wedge. We're pretty close as it's always just been the two of us but he does have a tendency to take certain things for granted and I'm really wanting to stamp that out at this point.

The lessons will be paid for partly by family and partly DS once work resumes.

The modifications he is doing on the car are mostly cosmetic so he is learning from YouTube and forums then pottering away doing the work to keep busy.

If you have a drive could u stop tax and insurance? Park car up while he works on it?

@blissfullife yes I was thinking the same this morning, I know that once he's 18 it's over to him. But I have another 11 months until then and my primary aim here is to keep him out of hospital. To see him one step short of a ventilator was horrendous.

I think my point is that if he's going to behave like a naughty child (which he is really) then perhaps he should expect to be treat like one..

@hankunamatata yes stopping the tax and insurance is an option

Smoking is an addiction, and I think this makes it a little more complex than his ‘being a naughty child’.
If he was to actively get help in quitting and show commitment to quitting, I would let him keep the car, but I wouldn’t be paying for the expenses on it, and wouldn’t have been in the first place anyway.
As a side note, I don’t think you can hold onto the annoyance that he didn’t spend his birthday money how you thought he should, that seems rather controlling. It was his money to do with as he pleased. You buying him a car was your choice.

How much money was he gifted at Christmas and what has he spent in on in such a short time???
Your first problem is that having been given money for a car which he frittered away, you then chose to buy him one which presumably has cost you lots. the reasons you’ve given make it sound like you’re buying him stuff because you feel sorry for him. Just out of interest, do you smoke? Where’s he getting the money to but cigarettes now?
You’ve bought the car, but its up to him to pay for the upkeep and running costs. Using it as a bargaining tool to make him stop smoking wont work. He’ll just say he’s stopped but be more careful in hiding it when he does.

@ughmaybenot I take your points, I understand the addiction side and I do feel for him in that regard. Teenagers under 18 can't access GP stop smoking programmes he tried) so we have historically tried everything else at the pharmacy and online. I guess it's an ongoing thing that he will need support with, I just thought he'd had so much of a scare in hospital that he'd never be tempted again.

It was Christmas money from the grandparents that I was annoyed about, they had saved for literally years so he could potentially buy a car and he blew it on crap. I don't think it's controlling to have maybe expected a little more self-control and better money management from him given the circumstances. Of course he was free to do what he wanted with it and he doesn't know I'm annoyed. He was annoyed with himself and I told him to stop beating himself up and just learn from it.

I wouldn’t have bought him a car in the first place, especially when he doesn’t even drive. But seeing as you did, no I don’t believe in taking a gift back.

@soontobe60 it was just over £1000.

I don't smoke no and yes I do feel sorry for him it's been a pretty rough few years for him and I was trying to boost morale and motivation mostly along with giving him a reason to not smoke, mainly because he wouldn't be able to afford to with car running costs..

Oh really? I hadn’t realised they couldn’t access help through the gp, that is terrible. I know what you mean about the hospital scare, but he’s young and young men that age think they’re invincible.
As for the money, again, he’s young. He made a mistake (in your eyes and latterly in his too) and he will learn from it. To be honest, if they 100% wanted the money spent on a car, they either should’ve bought it themselves for him or taken him car shopping (so to speak). Monetary gifts with conditions often don’t go as planned. If he doesn’t know you’re annoyed, that’s good, as like you say, he already feels a bit of a twit over it.
I know it’s hard when they make such daft decisions but I do think you’ll just have to continue to love him and support him through this, and try to keep a lid on how angry you are, as that will just make him hide things more.
If he doesn’t engage with actively trying to quit, maybe stop paying expenses as I mentioned before, but you can’t just take his car back. It was a gift after all.

Are you taking him out in it for driving practice while the instructors can't work (assuming UK) is that why it's insured and why stopping it would affect him?

He presumably would have nothing to do if he couldn't do up the car and be more inclined to go out and smoke?

It's very difficult.

@aprilx it was bought to learn in.

Thank you to pp's for the advice, I have taken everything on board. I guess the best course of action is approach this from a calm, supportive angle with regards to the smoking and reconsider the ongoing car expenses for now.

Oh good grief. Such a difficult one. I bought my son a car recently too, it's in his name and his insurance. I take him out learning.

I've told him, if I even think he's smoking or vaping. That car is taken off him. It would break my heart, he needs to be able to drive because of where we live. So ultimately I would lose out as I'd have to give him a lift everywhere.

In your position I'd have to to take the keys off him, cancel the insurance etc.

How could he "earn" your trust back? Maybe he could up his fitness. Run/walk x amount of miles a day, weight training etc. Everything that could help strengthen his lungs for asthma.

I'm an off and off smoker with asthma, I'd be devastated if any of my kids smoked. I know hypocrite eh?

Seriously, whatever your views on the smoking, you cannot decide to withdraw a gift from someone, and then decide he is a “naughty child”. What is it with overbearing parents on here today? Sounds like you have a sensible, well rounded son who is making the best of the lockdown situation.

He's not a child, you can't buy him toys and take them away when he does something you disagree with anymore. Smoking is bad, but it's an addiction that is easy to fall into, especially in social situations when young. I can almost guarantee you that as he gets older there will be more 'half a ciggi' on drinking nights out. That ship has sailed, it's up to him to regulate his own health without punishment from mummy.

"it was just over £1000"

Right. So not enough to buy a car and tax and insure it for a year.

He can't afford a car, he couldn't afford a car when he was gifted £1000 and you can't afford to gift him a car.

The smoking is a separate issue.

Why are you teaching him he can have everything right now when that isn't how life works. Teaching him to expect instant gratification is doing him no favours.

IMO you're focused on the wrong aspect of the problem. He isn't making sensible decisions because he hasn't learned 'delayed gratification'.
That makes him a high risk for behaviour that is rewarding now but ignores the long term consequenses. So if you stop paying the tax and insurance and he drives it anyway, he will lose his licence.

The car and the smoking are two separate issues, dont confuse them. Buy him the Alan Carr 'Easiway to quit' book and suggest he switch to vaping.

We had a similar situation with our son when he was 17 and at college. He had seen his beloved grandma die of lung cancer (she had never smoked). He has seasonal asthma and was always so anti smoking. He started coming home smelling of smoke, blaming it on standing close to his friends. I knew he was lying but didn’t confront him initially. Eventually I had a discussion and told him I was disappointed that he had decided to smoke, knowing how it could harm him. He continued smoking, but never in front of us. He knew we didn’t approve but we didn’t harass him too much about it. He continued until he was about 20 and then stopped himself, without pressure from us. He does occasionally use an ecig, which isn’t ideal, but I am proud of him that he’s managed to stop himself smoking tobacco.
Although I can see why you might want to take the car off him, it won’t stop him. He has to want to stop and he’ll only do that as and when he’s ready. We just got through it by telling ourselves that although we hated it, and we knew it was harming him, we knew there were worse things he could be doing. It’s definitely hard relinquishing that control as they get older.