To take the car off him..

[Teenagerwillbethedeathofme]

NC for this as potentially outing info. Looking for advice as to what other parents of older teenagers would do in this situation as I'm a single parent and don't want to discuss with family at this point.
There's a bit of backstory so bear with..

I bought DS a car for his 17th in January that he absolutely adores and has been doing up as a little lockdown project as college work has been sporadic at best.
He was actually given a sum of money at Christmas by grandparents that technically should have been to buy a car but he blew it all on other things within a few weeks, leaving himself without enough cash to buy one. That really annoyed me if I'm honest and if this was normal times and he was still working I wouldn't have bought him the car, I'd have left him to save up himself from his wages.

So I only really bought him the car because
a) he's been furloughed from his part time job since October and can't save for his own and
b) because he'd quit smoking after a 3 day HDU admission in October with a life- threating asthma attack that medics really struggled to get under control. It's taken him months to recover and is on a big increase in medication.

So the car was a "Happy Birthday" and a "well done for quitting smoking", and a motivational project as morale is pretty low after the last 12 months.

The car is in my name and I'm paying the tax and insurance until he passes his test.

The last few days he's come home from "exercising with a friend" absolutely reeking of tobacco..
I confronted him and he said he'd been standing too close to his friend.
The same happened last night and he eventually admitted to smoking "half a cigarette".. but I'm pretty sure it's been happening for a few days now.

I saw red internally if I'm honest, but didn't react I just calmly asked him to give me the car keys and I'd speak to him when I'm ready to. That was last night, he's still asleep so haven't seen him today to speak to but I'm still not calm enough to have a productive conversation.

My question is where to go from here.
I feel that I need to really hit home with a strong message and quite honestly at this point feel so let down that my urge to just sell the car and let him save for his own once hospitality reopens is very strong.
I'm aware that this is a big reaction, but I'm at my wit's end with the smoking (have tried everthing previously) and perhaps naively thought the car would be enough to keep him on track. He knows I wouldn't have bought it had he been smoking, I'd made that clear.
So it's all a bit of a slap in the face as aside from everything I'm not exactly rich, I dipped into my very meagre safety net savings for it because I wanted to help him out.

I don't feel as though I can just roll over and say- "oh you just carry on smoking and risking another hospitalisation on oxygen and a drip and hey, here's your car keys!! ...

So, with all the above considered...WWYD??

The smoking you need to talk about. He knows how badly it affected his health, he is being a mardy, indestructible teen despite knowing differently.

The money from GPs. A sit down, you need to grow up conversation. You are disappointed that he took what they spent a lot of time saving and frittered it away on nothing. He needs to grow up, to realise that his actions hurt people.

The car. Again, you are disappointed in his poor choices, he is aware of the issues and you, as his mum, cannot help but be angry with him for ignoring it, his behaviour scares you.

All in all he is being what he is, a terrible teen. You need to find a way to talk to him on an almost peer to peer level, get him to make the mental shift from child to adult.

And keep your fingers crossed that you and he can find common ground to have a sensible discussion rather than an extended sulk.

Best of luck with it!

"The car. Again, you are disappointed in his poor choices, he is aware of the issues and you, as his mum, cannot help but be angry with him for ignoring it"

As his mum she made the poor choice to get him a car when he can't drive or afford it even. Not him.

I wouldn't disagree with that. But I had thought OP may have done it partly to obscure the fact he hadn't spent GPs money wisely?

Either way, OP needs to start a proper discussion with him, or just leave him to make his own mistakes.

The car was a gift so it’s not really on to take it away. The smoking is a different matter though. You need to have a long calm discussion about this: if he has needed a ventilator before, how will you feel when none are available because of Covid? He needs to quit not only for himself but for your peace of mind OP.
I really hope you are able to resolve this💐

Tough situation there OP. To shed a little insight - I also have asthma which has required more medication in the past and was also a smoker, albeit a light smoker. My main advice is - my husband hated that I smoked and nagged me incessantly to stop. Nagging didn't work at all. You have to be ready to quit yourself. At the end of November, I bought a vape and haven't touched a single cigarette since. One of the main reasons I did it was that my brother in law who was a 20 a day smoker got one and it worked wonders for him so I thought I would give it a go. I was ready to do it and haven't looked back. Feel so much better for it. Dh doesn't utter a word about the vaping and is perfectly happy that I'm not smoking.
I get that it must be the worst thing to look at a loved one smoke when it's so bad for them, but you really do have to be ready to quit. I hope he does quit soon.

Bribing people doesn't help with addiction. The brain wants the addictive substance no matter how much the person wants the other thing or wants to stop. Please don't be angry with him for smoking. It's more important that he's able to talk to you about it if he smokes for a chance to be able to stop again. If you get angry and take things away from him when he is struggling with addiction it's going to make the addiction harder to stop (he'll be feeling worse, which makes most addictions stronger, and he'll be feeling less supported, less able to discuss things when he slips up etc) and while it is technically his choice to smoke, it's also not because nicotine is one of the most powerful addictions in the world.

When you bought him the car, did you expressly tell him 'You can only keep this car as long as you're not smoking you know!'
No? Then you're being ridiculous. The car and the smoking are completely separate issues. There's no point endlessly nagging about the smoking, just remind him about his health.

Something interesting I recently discovered from chatting to a neighbour, I have just checked. You can only take someone out to practice their driving if you are on an essential journey. Neighbour lets their daughter drive to work, they drive back home, then drives to daughter’s place of work so daughter can drive home again to practice driving. If you are are on a non essential drive, ie just driving to gain practical driving experience, you can be fined. It was a surprise to me.

So op, surely you are wasting your money, taxing and insuring a car that you cannot take on the road in current times just to gain practical experience? Not criticising, just making others aware as I didn’t know this.

With the smoking - I started age 12. Couldn't quit, didn't want to quit and was heavily addicted. Smoked around 30 a day in the later years
I quit using an e cig and I'm nearly 5 years smoke free. Might be worth having one with some higher nicotine liquid and using it for cravings

I think you need to separate the smoking issue and the car issue despite your feeling they are linked due the smoking being part of the motivation for you buying the car for him.

The car money issue is passed... he spent the money but you bought him the car anyway for me reasons you mentioned. You choose to gift out to him and like some others here I don’t personally agree with taking away gifts for punishment.

The smoking is an addiction and I agree that it needs to be approached separately. I agree that I’m not not punishment helps with addictions.

A gift with strings is not a gift it is a method of control.

Trying to force a smoker to quit will only result in lies and secret smoking. He is unable to quit until he is ready to do it. Punishment will only make him less open with you and more likely to sneak around.
Support him when he is ready to do it.

Blowing the Christmas money wasn't great but it may have taught him to spend/save more wisely in the future? Taking the current car away for smoking just leaves you with an extra vehicle. Maybe the best challenge right now is to let him continue with doing up the vehicle? He learns something new and you could sell it on for a profit. This could help to replace some of the Xmas cash.. If he's already addicted to smoking, he'll do it behind your back, it's up to him if he wants to quit.