Page 3 | For thinking most siblings would say that their house is going on the market?

TheRosesAreInBloom · 2021-02-14T11:10:16+00:00

Sister and I have a reasonably good relationship, we live very locally but don’t see each other much due to Covid, haven’t had a coffee and chat since last Autumn, a couple of texts per week to say hi etc. On that basis AIBU for thinking it strange and feeling a little humiliated to be told by a distant relative over messenger that her house was on the market. It had been spotted on Right Move and transpires it went up a three weeks ago. Add to that I had a doorstep chat with her (and her DH) two days before this discovery whilst dropping a birthday card off for one of her kids!

MRex · 15/02/2021 14:13

Unfortunately, people who are being controlled are very difficult to help. It's hard when you want to do something to move her on, but can't. The best you can do is keep an open door, be kind to her, remind her you are always on her side and ask if she is ok with things rather than directly criticising. She'll be aware you don't like the tosser partner presumably, so is perhaps careful in what she says to you?

MRex · 15/02/2021 14:14

You're unreasonable for not explaining properly in the OP, but not unreasonable to worry with the background you've added.

Original poster

TheRosesAreInBloom · 15/02/2021 14:24

As I (perhaps badly) stated, I wanted opinion based on a ‘normal’ circumstance.

My BIL has sent me a snotogram (having seen my text messages to my sister where I enquire as to what’s going on, is she sure she wants to do this, is she sure it’s not a plot etc.etc.....she has showed him and the reason for the showing him
Maybe that she’s concerned I know something she doesn’t, think OW, not unheard of there).

In said snotogram he advises that he doesn’t like my tone, why should my sister run anything past me, what makes me think it’s any my business anyway. Well ordinarily it’s not but it’s something that would have been mentioned in the past.

He doesn’t consider himself abusive, he’s never been called out on it by her (to my best knowledge) so his behaviours are just normal to him, clearly. I wanted to garner opinion on the basis that it was situation normal because that’s what he thinks it is hence his message to me (or, he is nervous about my influence on her).

But as you now see it’s not situation normal and my motive is just to be able to look out for her. However, if she’s showing him my messages and I just add pressure to her already tricky lifestyle anyway then I’ve really got nowhere to go with it and should perhaps just ‘walk away’ with my concern, let her get on with it...which she’ll have to do anyway as doesn’t have many choices in their world!

OP posts:

LubaLuca · 15/02/2021 14:24

I think it's strange that you feel humiliated by this. Imagine how your sister might be feeling.

thecatsthecats · 15/02/2021 14:26

@StillCoughingandLaughing

‘Humiliated’? Christ, I dread to think how you’d react if something genuinely humiliating happened to you.

At worst it’s a bit odd that she didn’t tell you. How another adult choosing to put their house on the market is ‘humiliating’ for YOU is a mystery.

Bit harsh. It might be an inaccurate choice of word, but my sister can be quite neglectful of communicating with me, and the feelings of hurt are quite close to those of humiliation in my experience.

Plus the relative wouldn't know it, but to the OP it probably feels like a bit of a hurtful thing if it's clear she doesn't know.

OP - I do really sympathise, because I had a similar feeling last year. I was desperately worried when my sister got covid because she's asthmatic. I posted home alleviation remedies and checked in with her every day.

Then I got covid, and she didn't once ask how I was. I realised that she never got in touch with me, and stopped messaging her. It took her four months for her to get a strong enough impulse to drop me a single line. (one of the messages she flat ignored was me messaging about a HUGE shared interest event being cancelled that we'd really been looking forward to)

It hurts to feel that someone you care about doesn't feel the need to share the same way with you.

OhCaptain · 15/02/2021 14:26

@TheRosesAreInBloom

As I (perhaps badly) stated, I wanted opinion based on a ‘normal’ circumstance.

My BIL has sent me a snotogram (having seen my text messages to my sister where I enquire as to what’s going on, is she sure she wants to do this, is she sure it’s not a plot etc.etc.....she has showed him and the reason for the showing him
Maybe that she’s concerned I know something she doesn’t, think OW, not unheard of there).

In said snotogram he advises that he doesn’t like my tone, why should my sister run anything past me, what makes me think it’s any my business anyway. Well ordinarily it’s not but it’s something that would have been mentioned in the past.

He doesn’t consider himself abusive, he’s never been called out on it by her (to my best knowledge) so his behaviours are just normal to him, clearly. I wanted to garner opinion on the basis that it was situation normal because that’s what he thinks it is hence his message to me (or, he is nervous about my influence on her).

But as you now see it’s not situation normal and my motive is just to be able to look out for her. However, if she’s showing him my messages and I just add pressure to her already tricky lifestyle anyway then I’ve really got nowhere to go with it and should perhaps just ‘walk away’ with my concern, let her get on with it...which she’ll have to do anyway as doesn’t have many choices in their world!

None of this makes an iota of sense to me.

It’s not a normal situation so opinions based on normal are completely irrelevant and can’t be helpful in anyway.

I find your posts really odd. 🤷🏻‍♀️

leathermouse · 15/02/2021 14:28

I think it's a little odd. I would hope my siblings would share such news, and likewise would tell them about mine.

Original poster

TheRosesAreInBloom · 15/02/2021 14:38

I accept the criticism but if I had given full disclosure you would have all come back with YANBU but as I have tried to convey....I first wanted you to see it from HIS point of view - this being a total normal situation and that I should butt out, kind of thing.

OP posts:

Meowchickameowmeow · 15/02/2021 14:41

It's a little odd but it's not humiliating

Original poster

TheRosesAreInBloom · 15/02/2021 14:43

@thecatsthecats

Thank you for your support and sorry you have experienced similar...it’s not nice.

X

OP posts:

Meowchickameowmeow · 15/02/2021 14:43

What the heck is a snotogram?

ParlezVousWronglais · 15/02/2021 14:49

Your posts are a bit confusing.

Basically you’re asking for advice because you think your sister might be suffering some sort of domestic abuse and you’re not sure what to do?

IndecentFeminist · 15/02/2021 15:03

I get you. You just wanted to know if the not being told was a symptom of his controlling/abusive nature or something people would expect in a normal relationship.

I think your suspicions are founded. I'd be surprised if any of my immediate family didn't mention it even in passing.

SeasonFinale · 15/02/2021 15:09

I voted YABU in the normal circumstances situation but yes with the dripfeed I can see where your concerns are.

If there is a property and she has kids there are circumstances where she would be housed for a while during a divorce and potentially afterwards. In a situation where he may manipulate things to go into a rental it will be easier for "equity" to disappear/be concealed and it will be harded for your sister to get a mortgage than be allowed to take one over.

However, in a situation where she is now showing her DH your messages I would perhaps leave her to get on with it! She is making her own bed to lie in, if she feels towards completion that their purchase looks like falling through, perhaps your warning may ring a bell to her and make her not proceed with the sale unless there is a simultaneous purchase.