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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking most siblings would say that their house is going on the market?

64 replies

TheRosesAreInBloom · 14/02/2021 11:10

Sister and I have a reasonably good relationship, we live very locally but don’t see each other much due to Covid, haven’t had a coffee and chat since last Autumn, a couple of texts per week to say hi etc.

On that basis AIBU for thinking it strange and feeling a little humiliated to be told by a distant relative over messenger that her house was on the market. It had been spotted on Right Move and transpires it went up a three weeks ago. Add to that I had a doorstep chat with her (and her DH) two days before this discovery whilst dropping a birthday card off for one of her kids!

OP posts:
TinyCake · 14/02/2021 12:08

Your reaction is a little OTT. Maybe she is embarrassed they have to sell? Maybe she was going to tell you once it's sold and they've found somewhere else? Who knows. But to be humilated about it is a bit extreme.

HouseyHouse21 · 14/02/2021 12:11

My brother found out our house was on the market when he bumped into an estate agent on the doorstep. In all the stress of getting the house ready for viewing, I hadn't thought to tell him. He wasn't 'humiliated', he found it funny.

bubblebubblebubbletrouble · 14/02/2021 12:12

My SIL is like this. Despite asking my parents for money her & my db wouldn't tell anyone apart from her family about the house until they had exchanged.
But then she also didn't tell her best friend that her parents had separated (her best friend put her foot in it at christening).
Maybe the rest of us are over sharers???

sammylady37 · 14/02/2021 12:13

I have a sister who thinks she has a right to know about all our business, relationships, jobs, house purchases/sales etc. Whenever anyone in the family has news, she phones around to the others trying to find out when we knew and who knew first and if we were told in person, by phone or by text. It’s utterly intrusive, tiresome and actually very controlling of her. The upshot of it is that nobody tells her anything anymore until everything is signed, sealed and delivered. She hit the roof once when I put it in the family group that I had got a new job, when she hadn’t even known I’d applied/interviewed. Her outrage was quite spectacular! And what she went on to do was to try and spoil it for me, in a variety of ways, to take the shine off my good news. I can see similarities in what you’re doing op, you’re making this all about you. Your sister is trying to sell her house in the middle of a pandemic, with economic uncertainty and great overall stress. And you’re harping on that you’re humiliated she didn’t tell you herself. With that reaction, I can see why she didn’t, tbh. And as a pp said, the fact that a ‘distant relative’ is ringing you to gossip about it is another reason why your sister might have chosen not to say anything. What the hell has it got to do with a distant relative, for goodness sake? Yet they’re picking up the phone to gossip.

saraclara · 14/02/2021 12:16

I'm not sure that humiliated is the right word, but I think it's reasonable to feel a bit embarrassed if someone mentions something about one's sibling and it's all too obvious that you don't know anything about it. I'd certainly feel pretty awkward.

Of course no-one is obliged to talk about something that isn't settled yet, but I don't know why OP is getting quite such a hard time here.

MarthaWashingtonsFeralTomcat · 14/02/2021 12:20

We shared our Rightmove listing on Facebook (it worked! A friend told their sister who is now buying it!) but I can see why keeping it quiet would be completely normal too.

JanuaryJonez · 14/02/2021 12:21

I would find not being told a bit odd and I'd maybe feel a bit hurt actually.

I'm very close to my sister but she lives in another city and we don't see or speak to each other that often. However she would have told me about selling her house when she was just at the considering stage - she probably would have asked my advice too.

Borogroves · 14/02/2021 12:48

I don't think that's strange. I find out all my siblings' news via my parents. We rarely contact each other directly. We all get along fine.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 14/02/2021 12:54

@sammylady37

I have a sister who thinks she has a right to know about all our business, relationships, jobs, house purchases/sales etc. Whenever anyone in the family has news, she phones around to the others trying to find out when we knew and who knew first and if we were told in person, by phone or by text. It’s utterly intrusive, tiresome and actually very controlling of her. The upshot of it is that nobody tells her anything anymore until everything is signed, sealed and delivered. She hit the roof once when I put it in the family group that I had got a new job, when she hadn’t even known I’d applied/interviewed. Her outrage was quite spectacular! And what she went on to do was to try and spoil it for me, in a variety of ways, to take the shine off my good news. I can see similarities in what you’re doing op, you’re making this all about you. Your sister is trying to sell her house in the middle of a pandemic, with economic uncertainty and great overall stress. And you’re harping on that you’re humiliated she didn’t tell you herself. With that reaction, I can see why she didn’t, tbh. And as a pp said, the fact that a ‘distant relative’ is ringing you to gossip about it is another reason why your sister might have chosen not to say anything. What the hell has it got to do with a distant relative, for goodness sake? Yet they’re picking up the phone to gossip.
This reminds me of a thread a couple of years ago. The OP’s BIL, who generally kept his distance from the rest of the family, had brought his partner (whom OP hadn’t met before) with him to visit his dying dad. Dad HAD in fact met the partner.

OP’s post was all about how strange the BIL was; ‘He won’t even tell us where he works; weird or what?!’ She went on to say she now knew where he worked because she looked him up on LinkedIn, and knew what sort of house he had because she’d driven off to look, having never been invited... She honestly didn’t seem to get that her behaviour was far ‘weirder’ than the BIL’s.

peak2021 · 14/02/2021 13:04

Humiliated seems an extreme reaction to me. Of course you'd prefer to have found out first hand. Hopefully just forgot to tell you.

partyatthepalace · 14/02/2021 13:09

You are overreacting -

It’s perhaps a bit strange she hasn’t mentioned it but given that you aren’t very close, and they may just be testing the water re sale, and life’s a bit weird all round it’s not THAT strange - I’d just assume life got busy, or she just doesn’t want to get into it till she knows it’s really happening

Whitecup4 · 14/02/2021 13:10

If there just moving to the next town why would they mention it? Hours away that’s different.

How far are they moving

OhCaptain · 14/02/2021 13:11

Being humiliated is ridiculous. Why would you feel that way?

It is weird though.

MordredsOrrery · 14/02/2021 13:11

You don't catch up often and don't sound very close, so I don't think it's odd at all. Why not talk to her about it, you don't have to wait for her to mention it first?

ThePlantsitter · 14/02/2021 13:12

I'd feel weird about this too OP. Are you having financial/job difficulties because of Covid? Something like that would explain it, maybe not wanting to feel like she was being insensitive.

ScrapThatThen · 14/02/2021 13:15

Maybe you haven't asked much about them or they assumed that you knew and it was an oversight. It couldn't be that they are separated could it?

Titterofwit · 14/02/2021 13:21

Mt brother has moved house several times in the last 10 years or so. Ive only ever found out when the move has been completed.
He just cant be bothered with the questions that might come up so allows the professionals take care of the legalities and moving and then he lets the rest of the family know the new address.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 14/02/2021 14:06

I honestly can’t remember if my sister specifically told me the last time she was planning to move. If she didn’t, it would probably be because she’d assumed our mother would already have told me.

TokenGinger · 14/02/2021 14:09

I wouldn't feel humiliated but I'd find it very weird if my brothers did that. Similar kind of relationship. We all message a few times a week. That's the kind of thing we'd discuss together because it's a pretty big thing. It's not something we'd easily forget.

HotChoc10 · 14/02/2021 14:10

I think lots of people don't like to tell people these things until they're definite. I bought my first house recently and I kept it to myself until we'd exchanged

actiongirl1978 · 14/02/2021 14:10

It wouldn't occur to me to tell my brother I'm moving house. What an odd thing to feel humiliated over.

I might mention if at some point during the process or let him know once I've moved.

MRex · 14/02/2021 14:39

I'd be surprised that I didn't know and assume she just forgot she hadn't told me yet. I wouldn't feel "humiliated" even if it turned out that a sibling was keeping news to themselves or telling one person and not another, people are actually allowed to keep things private if they want to.

Original poster
TheRosesAreInBloom · 15/02/2021 12:41

Thank you all for taking the time to comment, really appreciate it. Quite mixed views there but on balance the majority are feeling I am being unreasonable. Thank you to those who have kind of tuned in and understood how I am feeling - humiliated was perhaps the wrong word but for my family (I only have one sister) sharing this kind of news would be quite normal. I also think that once something goes into the public domain, it would be courteous to mention it, if indeed that kind of relationship has been upheld over 40 odd years .....unless there’s something to hide.

So here’s the drip feed and apologies for this but I wanted clear opinion based on a normal circumstance.

My BIL however is discreetly abusive towards my sister and has been for some Years. He left her a few years ago then when he discovered that he couldn’t work it out financially he crawled back..... he’s financially abusive, pulls her down about her weight and lack of earning power, he has also been known to be physically abusive. The last major issue I heard about was him (say 6 months) ago ) secretly viewing a rental house - she found out from a colleague who viewed it directly after him, at work the next day (and still she stayed with him 🙄). There’s lots of other examples but generally she’s under his thumb...or spell...or whatever!

So, my concern is that she’s being coerced - I’ve since discovered that they are looking to buy something to ‘do up’ - he wants to reduce his mortgage commitments or something! I can see a scenario where they sell but don’t find appropriate doer upper so end up in rental. This is where he will break free ... go get a mortgage by himself (he probably has financial capacity for this) leaving her to burn her share of the equity on rent for ever more!

There has to be something up his sleeve and that I feel that this is why this has been shrouded in secrecy. She’s either embarrassed and doesn’t want to move and no doesn’t want probing questions from me or he’s told her not to tell me (not that I wouldn’t find out eventually, case in point) but maybe he hoped a deal would be done before that!

I hope that explains things a little bit more.

Whilst I welcome your honest opinions, please be kind 👍🏻

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 15/02/2021 13:17

Well, why didn’t you say that? Confused

ThePlantsitter · 15/02/2021 13:58

That's a completely different scenario from your OP isn't it. I don't know what to advise because I too would be worried but she has not told you so you need to be very cautious about how you proceed. If you go in all guns blazing she may well shut down altogether.