To struggle letting DH take over with baby

NewBabyAnx · 2021-02-13T19:14:44+00:00

I know I am being unreasonable and I know it's likely PFB! But I'm wondering if anyone else was like this? LO is only a couple of weeks old and I'm really struggling to sort of let go and let DH take over! I just want to do everything myself whenever he takes over. He tries to do some of the night times for example to let me sleep and I just can't seem to let him, I want to take over whenever he does anything. I just feel really anxious that he's doing to do something wrong? Which sounds terrible as he's obviously LOs equal parent! How do I let go and just let DH parent?! I feel on edge every time he takes him. (DH hasn't actually done anything to make me worry by the way! I don't know why I don't trust him?!)

RedHelenB · 13/02/2021 19:17

Go to bed and catch up on sleep. Let them bond.

Fullofthejoysofspring · 13/02/2021 19:22

If you don't let him and baby get used to each other and get to know each other, you're setting yourself up for many years of being the martyred sole parent. He's baby's father, baby will be perfectly safe and happy. Relax and enjoy your rest!

LittleRa · 13/02/2021 19:23

I think this is normal. Are you breastfeeding?

Original poster

NewBabyAnx · 13/02/2021 19:24

I know you are absolutely all right. I feel so bad for even thinking this way, poor DH. I just feel so on edge 😣

OP posts:

Holly60 · 13/02/2021 20:22

It’s totally normal to feel like this. You carried that baby inside of you for 9 months and every fibre of your being is primed to protect it at the moment. There is a reason why women cannot bear the sound of their own newborn crying.

How about starting off by letting DH have baby in the day rather than at night. After a feed and when baby isn’t grumpy. You go away and do something else - possibly where you can’t hear what is happening. Have a bath or something similar.

shouldistop · 13/02/2021 20:31

I think this can be normal and tied up in the kind of mild post natal anxiety a lot of mothers get in the first few weeks after birth - it doesn't mean you shouldn't try to let go a little though.
Could you have certain things that are his jobs?
My dh always does baby's bath, massage & pjs.. I use that time to cleanse, moisturise, brush teeth & put pjs on. He also takes the baby out in his pram when he walks the dog, I spend time with ds1 or get some housework done. It really is about teamwork which I've realised more now we have 2.
if I didn't leave dh to get on with it with the baby I'd never spend any time with ds1.
Try to let them bond as you may regret it down the line if you don't and he looks to you for instructions on how to look after his own child, which won't be endearing when it's a tantrumming 2yo and you're desperate for a break.

Alicesweewonders · 13/02/2021 20:31

Let go, I know it's easier said than done ( I also have newborn) but you'll be making a rod for your own back down the line. I've watched too many friends do this & it didn't end well.

MaryShelley1818 · 13/02/2021 20:32

I have a 12 day old baby....she's currently downstairs watching bad TV with DH and a bottle of expressed breastmilk while I have a couple of hrs sleep.
He's just as capable a parent as me :)
You need some time out or you risk burning out x

TheGardenOf · 13/02/2021 20:33

I was like this with my 2nd, I think breastfeeding & anxiety made me not want to be away from him (even though it was killing me with tiredness).
Try to let go, a little. It doesn’t help you in the long run - baby has two parents.
I think it’s normal though!

FolkyFoxFace · 13/02/2021 21:06

I can tell I'm going to be like this too. No reason - DH will be amazing, and he's the most gentle and wonderful man I could have dreamed of. But I know I'll be like this, because I know myself. So, I've bought some lovely bath stuff and a few little craft things for a project I've wanted to do for a while. Things that I'll enjoy and want to do. I plan on breastfeeding so the plan is to feed baby, then sometimes pass to DH for burping and snuggles while I have something to distract me.

Sounds silly I know, but to say I was desperate for this baby would be an understatement so I know what I'll be like. But DH was also desperate so I know it'd be unfair to deprive him of baby snuggles and being a dad!

CarlottaValdez · 13/02/2021 21:10

I was like this - partly it was that he needed a feed every hour (or more!) and I was crap at expressing. The way it worked for us is that DH did everything else. Literally everything (cooking, cleaning, washing everything) and I kept DS alive and attempted not to completely go under with PND. I did all the nights for years too.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 13/02/2021 21:16

It's normal, your baby is still tiny and at the moment still feels like an extension of you. As they get past the sleepy newborn stage and seem more like their own person, with things that make them laugh and smile etc I think it will become easier.

I think leaving the room helps, if your husband has your baby in front of you its normal to want to pick them up and cuddle. Also I think you find yourself looking out that he is doing things the 'right' way. When you can't see them, it's easier to switch off

User0ne · 13/02/2021 21:23

Letting go gets easier. If you're finding it hard (which is totally normal and fine) you need to practise; maybe go for a short walk by yourself during the day

RowanAlong · 13/02/2021 21:30

Yep totally normal! It’s really hard not to hover but you know you need to let your DH learn how to be a dad. Maybe do something nice for you while he has his turn. Grab a shower, call a friend, make a sandwich! You’ll be anxious for sure, but at least you will be doing something productive while being anxious. It will get easier as you both get more confident with the baby. Good luck, and congratulations!

LaPampa · 13/02/2021 21:54

You have to let him have a turn parenting his own baby. If you don’t you’re setting yourself up for a whole world of issues. The short term sadness of separation for a few hours will repay itself so many times over. We made a massive effort to make sure each of us were 50/50 from the beginning and my god has it been worth it. Hard as it is. Let him have some time with them x

FlyingPandas · 13/02/2021 22:01

Aww OP I remember these days so well. And it is your total natural instinct which is causing these feelings and it's totally understandable.

But try really hard to just let your DH crack on. If it helps, read some of the (many) threads on here about useless DHs who just let the mothers of their children do absolutely everything, even when the DC in question are school age and both parents are working FT etc etc etc. You don't want to be in that situation in five years' time.

It's so so easy to fall into the trap of just doing everything because, at the outset, you love it and this is your tiny fragile newborn and you want to do it and you feel that no-one can do it better than you. But it really is worth just letting your DH take over for a bit. He loves this baby just as much as you. He is just as capable of caring for this baby as you are. By letting him have some autonomy, you're fostering healthier mutual parenting than going down the 'mummy knows best' route.

Unfortunately, too often, 'mummy knows best' translates into 'mummy does absolutely everything because daddy gives up and checks out'.

Let your DH take over. Honestly. It will be worth it in the long run.

bloodyhairy · 13/02/2021 23:15

YABU (sorry, I know you're a new mum and it's hard!). They have to bond too, and you don't want to be back on here in a few years' time, moaning that your husband is uselessly hands-off with the kids!

Yellowtopaz · 13/02/2021 23:18

Honestly you need to let him step up and feel confident that he’s just as capable as you. The time will come when you want a break or night away and you’ll enjoy yourself so much more knowing he can just get on with it.

SarahAndQuack · 13/02/2021 23:30

Totally normal. As others say, it's a species survival mechanism to be super protective.

Just on a practical level, are there things your DH could do that would still be helpful for you/bonding for him, that would reduce the stress a bit? I was the non bio mum to my daughter and I would have been really happy to do anything - your DH is probably also trying to figure out what he should be doing. IME in antenatal classes and so on, you get told 'you need to take over for the mum, she needs sleep'. It makes you think that dad has to do exactly what mum does, so you're on opposite shifts. And I'm sure that's useful sometimes, but sometimes it's not. Would it be useful if, instead of him taking on a night-time feed, he got up while you started feeding and made you a big cup of tea? There's loads of time for you to separate out into a shift pattern.

shouldistop · 14/02/2021 02:49

@SarahAndQuack I agree, I don't think opposite shifts works, especially if the baby is breastfed and even if not. In the early days when ds2 was feeding every 2 hours round the clock, my dh used to do all of the overnight nappy changes, burping & settling.

EnglishRain · 14/02/2021 03:28

I disagree with posters telling you to let go. Just go with it for now. I felt like this with DD who is 7 months, it's natural! By all means don't helicopter parent your DH, but don't force yourself to be away from your baby if every fibre of your being says not to. I couldn't sleep without DD, so there was no way I could catch up on sleep if DH took her and the thought of him taking her out for a walk without me and me not knowing where she was was horrendous! I worried if I fell asleep that I'd wake up and she wouldn't be there because he had gone for a walk etc. That settled down pretty quickly, and DD loves DH to bits. Providing she isn't hungry or overtired (ie. woken up prematurely) he can settle her just as quickly as I can, and he can rock her to sleep which I've never managed to do. She will fall asleep snuggled into his shoulder but point blank refuses to do that for me!

EnglishRain · 14/02/2021 03:39

Also, whilst I remember, it felt physically painful when DD cried until maybe two months ago? And the thought that I could do something to ease her upset immediately, when DH couldn't and she was just crying and crying was awful. Especially in the early days when we couldn't tell what was wrong and nothing worked.

Draineddraineddrained · 14/02/2021 06:57

Just literally had my second baby so in the same insanely protective hormone space as you xx

But... This time I am going to make a HUGE effort to step back and give DP room to be a father.

Last time I did everything, I couldn't back down for a minute, and ended up with s baby who would literally scream any time she wasn't in my arms, wouldnt accept DP for anything (food, bath, night wakings) until she as nearly 18 months, and a massive rift between me and DP which still sometimes rears its head as he says he thinks I think he's a shit incompetent parent. He's actually great with her now she's bigger (less so when she was a baby bit we were both learning and I just didn't give him a fair chance to find out what worked for them).

Are you bf? I did (for 2.5 yrs! Another bone of contention there) and it does increase the tendency to be a bit Gollum about the baby. Still well worth doing (I will be with this one) but be on the alert for it, it doesm just practically mean there's a lot only you can do and it's easy to let that become the default.

Do your very best to let him have a go. It's an important precedent to set. Says me who did the opposite 😁 You need your rest, as much as you can get, and your little one will benefit from having two equal trusted caregivers.

Congratulations!! X

LittleRa · 14/02/2021 07:51

@Draineddraineddrained

Just literally had my second baby so in the same insanely protective hormone space as you xx

But... This time I am going to make a HUGE effort to step back and give DP room to be a father.

Last time I did everything, I couldn't back down for a minute, and ended up with s baby who would literally scream any time she wasn't in my arms, wouldnt accept DP for anything (food, bath, night wakings) until she as nearly 18 months, and a massive rift between me and DP which still sometimes rears its head as he says he thinks I think he's a shit incompetent parent. He's actually great with her now she's bigger (less so when she was a baby bit we were both learning and I just didn't give him a fair chance to find out what worked for them).

Are you bf? I did (for 2.5 yrs! Another bone of contention there) and it does increase the tendency to be a bit Gollum about the baby. Still well worth doing (I will be with this one) but be on the alert for it, it doesm just practically mean there's a lot only you can do and it's easy to let that become the default.

Do your very best to let him have a go. It's an important precedent to set. Says me who did the opposite 😁 You need your rest, as much as you can get, and your little one will benefit from having two equal trusted caregivers.

Congratulations!! X

Love this post! Ha ha, “a bit Gollum about the baby” - totally get it. My DD is 6.5yo now and I’m 37 weeks with number 2 and hoping to have a bit more perspective this time... just need to fight the hormones!

MaryBoBary · 14/02/2021 07:55

Assuming you are both first time parents, neither of you has anymore idea than the other. Don't fall in to the habit of thinking because you are mum you automatically know best. I have too many friends who never let their OHs do anything and then a few years later wonder why the child and dad don't have a great bond, and why they are left to do everything all the time.