Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To struggle letting DH take over with baby

36 replies

NewBabyAnx · 13/02/2021 19:14

I know I am being unreasonable and I know it's likely PFB!

But I'm wondering if anyone else was like this?

LO is only a couple of weeks old and I'm really struggling to sort of let go and let DH take over! I just want to do everything myself whenever he takes over.

He tries to do some of the night times for example to let me sleep and I just can't seem to let him, I want to take over whenever he does anything. I just feel really anxious that he's doing to do something wrong? Which sounds terrible as he's obviously LOs equal parent!

How do I let go and just let DH parent?! I feel on edge every time he takes him.

(DH hasn't actually done anything to make me worry by the way! I don't know why I don't trust him?!)

OP posts:
Ileflottante · 14/02/2021 08:07

You have to let him. Otherwise his confidence as a parent and his bond will be affected.

When I had my lockdown baby, I was determined that I wouldn’t be the only one who knew how to do everything. I had more experience with babies than my husband so in the really early days I would explain to him (not as condescending as it sounds) what I was doing and why and he would then do the same. I wanted him to know everything and feel able to do it. He was brilliant. As the baby has got bigger he’s got his own way of doing things and it would never occur to me to worry about leaving them together. Good luck.

BertieBotts · 14/02/2021 08:43

It's very very normal but it's also important to push through it and let him. It does get easier the more you do it and it's very very worth it later on!

He probably will get things wrong - as you do, did and will. Babies can survive these new parent mistakes :)

Cowgran · 14/02/2021 09:16

I used to be like this. I breastfed so it was always easier to feed my baby than watch him try to settle her other ways. And he would dress her weirdly and put the nappy on a bit crooked. But the more I took over or hovered, the less confident he felt. So I just realised I had to let go or else he would end up leaving it all to me for fear of getting it wrong. The more he did things the better and more confident he became as well, so then I felt more comfortable leaving him with her. There is no easy way OP, you just have to let him get on with it. Take yourself away so the baby can't see/smell/hear you and where you can't hear the baby (I know this isn't always possible during lockdown) and just remind yourself how useful it will be in the future if he is competent at settling the baby.

That being said, I didn't really get my husband to settle my babies at night until they were weaned as it just didn't make sense to let him struggle and them get upset when all they wanted was a feed. So maybe just pick and choose the moments that work for you.

thetinselbadge · 14/02/2021 09:26

Just an idea but could you maybe take time in the day to give them space? Obviously not hours and hours but just time for you to have a bath, do something round the house, make a cake, watch TV but leave DH to baby care for that half an hour? They could go for a walk or just sit together. So then you don't feel like you need to be asleep and you may feel more comfortable. In my situation this did us both good while we were learning.

SuperSleepyBaby · 14/02/2021 09:31

Why don’t you let him spend time minding the baby when she is settled and happy -then you will feel less anxious. DH used to hold the baby while it slept and he was watching TV - then I could have a break as the baby was cosy and would sleep well.

I have 4 children and don’t think you are being PFB. I kept mine with me a lot of the time at the start as I was breastfeeding. I also had that anxious feeling about them as I felt I knew how to mind them properly or understood their signals and knew how to respond to them. As the months went by, and they got more sturdy, I felt less worried and they spent much more time with DH.

It has made no difference in the long term to DH’s relationship with them. He does as much work as me with them and is close to them too.

user1471538283 · 14/02/2021 09:37

It is so lovely when Dads want to be with their baby and although I know its hard please let him!

Would you feel better if he took the baby out? Or worse? He will do things differently to you but as long as the baby is well cared for it doesn't matter. Your baby needs a close relationship with you both.

I love seeing Dads with their children in mismatched clothes buying treats! My DF did that with me and we were so close.

Eleganz · 14/02/2021 09:43

You have to let him be involved now or you will be back on MN in a few years complaining that you do all the childcare work and he is useless! It is tough but it is the right thing to do.

Also you have to accept that he will do things differently to you. If the result is acceptable it does not matter how be gets there.

Merename · 14/02/2021 09:43

Agree with others that this is normal and great that you are asking the question, as you really don’t want to become one of those women who criticises the way dad does everything and gets left to do it all herself. It’s natural you feel so protective. But he needs to develop his ways, just like you. Once I got over my ownership of baby because she’d been in me, I actually was able to learn some things from him, seeing how baby responded to him differently. But can you talk to your partner about this? It’d be good for him to know how you are feeling, with clear messaging that this is not his fault but itd be great if you could express some of it and get reassurance.

noworklifebalance · 14/02/2021 09:49

I didn’t have these feelings but can imagine how you must feel.
Whatever you do, makes sure you speak to your DH, tell him how much you value him wanting do this, how much you really want him to be involved, that you trust him completely but there is something visceral that is stopping you and so to please bear with you while you have these feelings and not to give up.
He sounds like he is a great husband and has the makings of a great father.

CuriousSeal · 14/02/2021 11:10

I was the same. It got better when my DS was around 5 weeks old. My DH did all the chores and cooking during this time, alongside holding him here and there. Now that DS is 14 weeks they spend much more time together but I still do all the night feeds.

Original poster
NewBabyAnx · 14/02/2021 17:20

Thanks for the messages! Glad to see it's fairly normal.

I'm currently in the bath whilst DH is downstairs with LO... I just keep worrying that he's going to fall asleep on the sofa with him or something Sad but I'm not going to rush out, I know I need to trust him.

I think PP had it, it's just he's been inside me for 9 whole months where my body has been the only one responsible for making sure he was safe. It just feels so weird now that he's separate from me and can be taken off and cared for by someone else.

Gollum about the baby is definitely how I feel 🤣 I love that.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page