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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD to be the only girl?

30 replies

Mumofsend · 13/02/2021 18:34

DD is 6, has an ehcp and we are moving her to a specialist. Very real prospect she could be placed in a school of 48 boys and 2 girls. I'm really upset and against this idea. She is very much a little girl who would want girls to play with. I'm trying to argue it out with the LA that having a suitable peer group absolutely is a need whether it makes placing her more difficult or not.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Pinkmarsh · 13/02/2021 18:40

Sadly in SN schools there is a much larger proportion of girls. However if you can find a school that your happier with then I’d push for it. Has the EHCP been finalised naming the school in section I?

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 13/02/2021 18:42

Honestly I don't think it will really matter. I had mostly male friends at that age simply because most of my mums friends had boys and the majority of my cousins were boys. Kids don't really care that much. My best friend in reception used to dress up and wear sparkly hair clips just as much as the girls in our class. Children don't really conform to gender stereotypes at that age.

Original poster
Mumofsend · 13/02/2021 18:42

@Pinkmarsh we are just consulting now. I have found a resource base that on paper would be perfect and even though in the actual unit there are 10 and she would be the only girl she would then have girls within the mainstream part and she would do 50:50ish in each half. Its technically full though

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumofsend · 13/02/2021 18:44

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut but she does care which is why its an issue and even if at 6 they don't so much, once you start approaching 9/10/11 on they do so as a longer term option it isn't great either. She is autistic she hasn't got the flexibility in thinking to really be swayed otherwise.

OP posts:
hopeishere · 13/02/2021 18:48

There's one girl in my sons class of 12. She's super and has lots of friends. I think the school are conscious of it and encourage her to play with other girls at lunch.

Schleckie · 13/02/2021 18:50

No I'm with you on this, it would upset me too. I suppose the difficulty is balancing all her needs. The school have to actually have a place and feel they could meet the demands of her ehcp. There must be other schools though? Are they saying it's this school and that's it? Can you research and speak to schools you like directly? There are more boys in specialist schools but the gender disparity isn't usually as stark as that. Good luck, I hope you find the right placement

Original poster
Mumofsend · 13/02/2021 18:52

@hopeishere that wouldn't be so much of an issue but she would be one of two girls in the school so there isn't that option.

@Schleckie there is another option that is technically full but would meet all her needs including having access to girls. Otherwise its this or one of two other schools with near identical ratios

OP posts:
Thetruthfairy · 13/02/2021 19:22

I would fight this too. Op I would post on the Special Ed board. I am sure there are posters who could advise you of how best to support your application for the school that best suits your child and their needs.

JADS · 13/02/2021 19:26

It's really hard op. My son is in a SEN school and the portion of boys is really high. Last year, his class had 4/10 girls which was lovely for all the children. I would fight this if you have the energy as the differences become more marked as they get older.

Happycat1212 · 13/02/2021 19:30

Sadly in SN schools there is a much larger proportion of girls

Do you mean boys?

I’m with you on this op; I wouldn’t like this at all, I’ve had to start discussing secondary schools for my dd (she’s year 5 and 9) and I would not send her to a school like that, my daughter is also super girly and would hate it, she doesn’t even play with her brothers. I wouldn’t send my dd to a school like that I’m afraid. It’s something I didn’t even consider as I was thinking of sending her to a sen secondary (she’s in mainstream at the moment)

Stompythedinosaur · 13/02/2021 19:35

I agree it isn't ideal, but if there aren't any appropriate schools with a better proportion of girls to boys I'm not sure that there's a huge amount of options? Can you go on the waiting list for the school with better proportions?

riotlady · 13/02/2021 19:40

50/50 within a mainstream school is quite different to being entirely within a small specialist school. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to consider the gender aspect but I would be more focused on which overall environment is going to suit her best.

peak2021 · 13/02/2021 19:46

YANBU- even though 50/50 would be asking a lot, only 2 means it only takes one to be away with a bad cold. 144 and 6 at least would not be so bad.

HelplessProcrastinator · 13/02/2021 19:54

We’ve been in this situation with an older girl. Our DD was permanently excluded in year 5 and the only option apart from homeschool was a social, emotional and MH school. There was one other girl in DD’s year. They hated each other at first but are now very close friends. DD desperately wanted to be in mainstream for secondary largely because she wanted a female peer group who were more likely to share her interests. We fought to get her a well supported place and it’s working very well. Really tough to find a placement that will meet all her needs including social. I’d push for the ASD unit in mainstream if your DD would cope. They always say they are full (we were put off with this line from ASD units, later found from other parents who got places they were told the same).

cansu · 13/02/2021 20:25

My dds specialist asd school was very boy heavy with just a couple of girls but it has over the time she has been there changed a lot and they now have many more girls. I guess it won't change until people start sending girls there! I would be looking at the girls that they do have and asking if she could be placed in a class with a girl.

The problem I can see with the resource base is that you need to think about whether the girls in the mainstream part will be likely friends for your dd and that depends largely on your dd's needs and cognitive abilities. My dd was in mainstream for the first three years. She loved other little girls and there were two who took her under their wing but they were never really friends with her; they just looked after her. In her current school, she has made a relationship with another girl. It is miles away from a typical friendship, but there is definitely liking and a bond there.

1Morewineplease · 13/02/2021 20:29

But what else can you do? If it's the only provision available to her then you'll just have to suck it up. Alas, far more boys get diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum than girls. There's not much you can do really.

Pinkmarsh · 13/02/2021 20:33

@Mumofsend - I’d stick to your guns. If they won’t budge get them to finalise the plan and appeal. Being “full” doesn’t really matter.

TriflePudding · 13/02/2021 20:34

What you could do is ask for her EHCP to include providing opportunities to develop friendships with girls, it may not be that these friendships are developed at school but at an after school club etc ?

Pinkmarsh · 13/02/2021 20:37

@1Morewineplease - you don’t have to suck it up!

Pinkmarsh · 13/02/2021 20:38

@Mumofsend

From IPSEA

because you are asking for a maintained school, your own Local Authority (“LA”) is under a legal duty to place your son in the school of your preference, provided that:

it is suitable to his age, ability or aptitude and his special educational needs;
his attendance there will not be incompatible with the provision of efficient education for other children; or
the efficient use of the LA’s resources.
These conditions are set out in section 39(4) of the Children and Families Act (“CAFA”) 2014.

There is no definition in law of what it means for a school to be ‘full’. LAs are able to name schools which say they are ‘full’ in EHC plans and must do so unless they are able to prove the child’s attendance is incompatible with the efficient education of others. In order to refuse to name a school, the LA has to show that because of the high numbers of pupils in the school, the child’s needs won’t be met, or that other children’s needs would not be met, or that there would be an inefficient use of resources (for example, as a result of them having to appoint another teacher or build another classroom).

Ellie56 · 13/02/2021 20:44

What type of school is the one that is "technically full"?

GooseMooseBurger · 13/02/2021 20:51

We turned down possible placements for my DD due to a lack of peer group (ie. other girls). Our LA accepted this.

TrainingAim · 13/02/2021 20:54

I don't know about so young but I was the onyl girl in most of my classes from 14yo and I think it did me the world of good for the (still) male dominated workplace.

Original poster
Mumofsend · 13/02/2021 21:00

@1Morewineplease an autistic 6 year old isn't able to just suck it up. She hasn't got the understanding or reasoning ability. All that will happen is she would go for a day maybe 2 and then I won't get her physically back in again.

@TriflePudding thats a good idea, thank you.

@TrainingAim at the moment its unlikely she would have that in her future anyway :(

I'm happy and not expecting 5050 and I'm happy with the situation where the wider provision could provide those opportunities but to be one of two in a school is really rubbish for her :(

OP posts:
Anonanon12 · 13/02/2021 21:00

I'd get advice on this, making friendships and having peers is such an important part of school life and equates to happiness, so I would explore options of this other full school

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