To stop trying to make her do her work?

[HamnetandJudith]

Dd is 15 and in Year 10. She has suffered mental health issues throughout lockdown and has self harmed. She ended up in A and E after a paracetamol overdose. CAMHS assessed her and she’s having therapy with them. She takes things literally- like sticking her legs out of an upper floor window when her therapist suggested she get fresh air when she’s upset. She can become extremely distressed very quickly.

The therapist has suggested she may have autism and we are going through the referral process. She has significant sensory issues and becomes avoidant and distressed when schoolwork is mentioned.

She can cope at school but at home the emails from teachers are building up. She cries and says she’s a failure and can’t do it. She invents technology issues to avoid the work and says she can’t do it anyway. She becomes hostile when I coax her, which I do, repeatedly, between trying to teach my own classes.

She’s now nocturnal and although I wake her each morning, she falls asleep between lessons. I am going to attend a sleep clinic to try to get some support.

AIBU to stop the constant coaxing now and just try to get her well? She’s agreed to go to school as a key worker student now and she tends to mask her autism at school so hopefully she will manage to work. I just can’t do it anymore- it’s making her and me unhappy. She’s gone from being on track to pass everything to probably failing most things and I just don’t know if she can catch up now. She’s resistant to me helping her in any way.

CAMHS are contacting school and I’ve asked school for support and to help with the autism referral- though I’ve had no reply as of yet.

I feel like I’m failing her.

Masking at school is not a good thing; it worsens mental health in autistic people. If you really want to prioritise her wellbeing, remove all demands (including schooling in any form) so her anxiety can reduce.

Hmm, it's a tough one because on one hand I can see the wellbeing and concern for your daughter and your want for her to be well but on the other hand I can see that she is just acting like a teenager and not wanting to do things. You've said that she is nocturnal, that she has lied to get out of things she doesn't want to do and that she doesn't like school and it makes her unhappy to go there... that's what most, if not all, teenagers feel like at some point. The lockdown situation has flipped everyone's situations up but I can't help but feel this sort of pandering won't do any favours in the long run. It doesn't sound like you're failing her to me.

CAMHS don’t agree that I should remove all demands. She would become completely nocturnal and then potentially more of a danger to herself. Avoidance would not increase her ability to manage school in the future, which unfortunately she has to do.

Equally, I’m not pandering to her and she isn’t just being a teenager. Believe me, CAMHS are so chronically underfunded that they wouldn’t be dealing with her if that were the case. She’s agreed to go into school to work and I’m hoping that will help. I’m also trying to manage my own full time job, teaching teenagers, ironically!

Could you use the half term week to reset her body clock? And also perhaps to look at some of the outstanding work in an unpressurised way?
Focus on core subjects (English, maths, maybe science) so she's not overwhelmed.
Drawing up a timetable/structure for her time at home might help- even for in the holiday. What does she find supportive? Rules and routines?

@HamnetandJudith

Dd is 15 and in Year 10. She has suffered mental health issues throughout lockdown and has self harmed. She ended up in A and E after a paracetamol overdose. CAMHS assessed her and she’s having therapy with them. She takes things literally- like sticking her legs out of an upper floor window when her therapist suggested she get fresh air when she’s upset. She can become extremely distressed very quickly.

The therapist has suggested she may have autism and we are going through the referral process. She has significant sensory issues and becomes avoidant and distressed when schoolwork is mentioned.

She can cope at school but at home the emails from teachers are building up. She cries and says she’s a failure and can’t do it. She invents technology issues to avoid the work and says she can’t do it anyway. She becomes hostile when I coax her, which I do, repeatedly, between trying to teach my own classes.

She’s now nocturnal and although I wake her each morning, she falls asleep between lessons. I am going to attend a sleep clinic to try to get some support.

AIBU to stop the constant coaxing now and just try to get her well? She’s agreed to go to school as a key worker student now and she tends to mask her autism at school so hopefully she will manage to work. I just can’t do it anymore- it’s making her and me unhappy. She’s gone from being on track to pass everything to probably failing most things and I just don’t know if she can catch up now. She’s resistant to me helping her in any way.

CAMHS are contacting school and I’ve asked school for support and to help with the autism referral- though I’ve had no reply as of yet.

I feel like I’m failing her.

All you can do is your best op, at some point your dd will hopefully improve, until then just try to do your best.

She might be missing the routine and structure of school. I would send her back and see if it helps

It may well help her to go back to school. My DD who presents with a similar profile is much happier going to school. She needs the separation of school and home to work effectively. Having school in her home is an intrusion she can’t bear. Pre-Covid she never brought work home and would complete everything at school.
Try it, OP, and see if it helps.

I think going to school will be best, give you both some space.

I have a very similar DD, she 17. Lockdown has been a nightmare for her. She has just started back at school part time(we're in the US) and it has helped her immensely. She still drops the ball with work, she really can't cope with navigating online instruction, but her sleep and attempt to do some work have really improved.

I would send her to school. Getting behind on her education won't do her any favours and the structure and routine will be beneficial. I think given the situation you are doing a fantastic job of supporting her and helping her access what she needs to get better.

I sent my autistic DS back to school this week and he is a different child!

Send her in!

Would it help her to go into school, OP? Poor thing. DD1 is 15 but Y11 and has been going in. There are only a tiny number going in but the social contact and structure has helped. The lessons are the same as at home, but there are staff around to help them. Also she sees a counsellor at school every week.

One thing that I’ve realised with my daughter (suspected asd) is that she doesn’t only mask at school, but she is able to get cues from other kids as to how to approach her work. Not copying per se, but she just needs to know exactly how everything should be done. Any uncertainty, and she gets very distressed. I’ve found that sometimes taking the gist of what they want her to do and then finding an approach that fits in more with her interests has worked. Obviously this is easier with a 9 year old than a 15 year old though! Anyhow, letting her go back to school could help, if this is also something that your DD struggles with.

She flatly refused to go back to school a few weeks ago but she has come round to the idea herself.

Things suggested upthread such as making a timetable etc would not work for her. She becomes anxious and needs to control her environment and the more I cajole and coax, the more distressed and then angry and hostile she can become.

I’ve contacted the key worker club at school and I’m really hoping the can give her a place after half term, because I don’t know what else to do.

Hi there I have a 16 year old with asd and adhd amd he’s been struggling the last few weeks and not doing work and coming up with every excuse in the book , the worst thing you can do is give them an out to bail out . We sent him back to school for the structure and change of environment and he’s like a new boy already . More motivated and working again . It was more for his mental health than anything else .

She had to agree to go to school herself or it would have led to further anxiety. I’m just hoping they get back to me about a place. I think in her mind, she is going to fail everything and she would rather not try. It’s really difficult to counteract that mindset. If I put any pressure on her, she becomes angry and says she wants to die.

YANBU, the trick is knowing what to do to get her well. Best of luck.

However. The autism referral /assessment could take months. Get that going but while you're waiting, proceed as if she were already diagnosed. This is really hard to do as if feels like everything's on pause until diagnosis - but push those feelings aside. Read up on strategies (I would suggest strategies for PDA in particular), build your knowledge, start asking for help or accommodations. Use the phrase "being assessed for autism" a lot. Many strategies that work for autistic kids also work for others so you are not going to break her if she turns out to be NT. Whereas using NT strategies/"normal" parenting with an autistic kid can be disastrous.

If she has agreed to go to school herself then that could be positive. Sometimes students with autism value the routine and predictability of school.
Ideally you want to avoid masking and high stress in school if it causes blow outs at home. Could you speak to the SENCo or senior leader in charge of pastoral care and ask to discuss a plan. It could be that measures can be put in place if there's the right level of staffing.

For example, during the last lockdown I had some students in my key worker group and we would go for a walk in the middle of the day to get release. Some of my current students have some activities and downtime during the day to help them when things get overwhelming. This means they come into school 5 days a week, which is better for them, but it's not 5 hours a day of normal lessons.

I'm not sure she will have to mask all that much in school at the moment - according to KW friend whose dd is in school 2 days a week they simply sit in a classroom doing all the online work the kids at home would be doing anyway. So hopefully your dd would be sticking to the timetable and getting the work done but without all the classroom argy-bargy that can make school life so difficult for ASD kids.

Your dd sounds almost identical to mine, OP, but 2 years younger.

There’s little doubt for me that she’s autistic whether she gets the diagnosis or not. Everything clicked into place as soon as the CAMHS therapist mentioned it. PDA does seem to fit her as well - though she is very quiet and well behaved at school.

CAMHS have already contacted school but I think it’s worth a chat with the SENDCo as well. She already has a pass so that she can leave lessons when she becomes overwhelmed. I think the key worker club will be ideal for her.

I’m furious at the moment, my mum is manipulating dd by inviting her round for takeaways with the whole family. She doesn’t seem to recognise that there is a pandemic and she is texting dd directly, which might well cause distress to her when we have to say no. I hope that doesn’t sound hypocritical when I’m sending her into school - but I think she needs to be in school.

It's definitely helped my son to get back into school. The walks in and back with a heavy backpack help too, I think. He is only going part time.

You could discuss her maybe dropping any subjects that are causing particular problems. They don't all need to do 9 GCSEs.

The dropping subjects might be a really good idea actually.

She has said she would want to drop Spanish and Tech. She likes Tech but she gets very stressed when she’s building something and she can’t get it perfect. It’s a shame because she got a good report from her teacher, but I think removing some of the pressure and giving her extra study periods for Maths and English would be so helpful. I hope school agree.

Just wondering if anyone else had any strategies that worked for them? I’m crossing my fingers that she gets the school place now.