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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How is this considered a conversation starter at work event ....

40 replies

Dissapointed80 · 12/02/2021 21:44

At a work event this week and currently going through IVF so appreciate that I might be overly sensitive however. Why do so many women use the question do you have children as an opener?
Completely understand it may be a question within a series of other items. But can't understand why the first few wouldn't be generally work related. Also why do women seem to judge you for it.

Example 1
Client 1 - do you have kids?
Me - no
Client 1 - oh that’s a shame......

Client 2 - do you have kids?
Me - no
Clients 2 - it’s quiet possibly the most amazing thing you can ever do is to create amazing little humans who will grow into amazing people....

Or is it just my hormones...

OP posts:

MechantGourmet · 12/02/2021 21:50

That's pretty odd. We rarely talk about children, ours or colleagues', at work (unless someone just had a baby, or a child was v ill etc).
Lots choose not to have children, many struggle to have children, just why would you cause awkwardness, or worse actual pain for someone that way?

MechantGourmet · 12/02/2021 21:51

I mean surely first question at an away day is- how was the travelling for you this morning? Did you have to dig yourself out of the snow etc etc

Pukkatea · 12/02/2021 21:53

YANBU because these people are being very socially inept.

Hyppogriff · 12/02/2021 21:57

Agree very socially inept. I don’t ask unless I know the answer already !

HundredMilesAnHour · 12/02/2021 22:02

Yep, socially inept and/or obsessed with their own child(ren) and looking for any excuse to talk about them.

I know someone at work like this. I avoid her like the plague.

RevolutionRadio · 12/02/2021 22:07

I don't know why it's a conversation starter, I choose not to have children so I don't have the pain of going though loss/infertility. They don't know that before they ask though.

Them: Do you have children?
Me: No, and not planning to.

I'm waiting to be old enough for them not to follow up with 'oh, I'm sure you'll change your mind'. Spoiler, I won't.

ComtesseDeSpair · 12/02/2021 22:08

Sounds like a very weird workplace. I’ve never asked or been asked about children in a work context before (except this year, and only then in a roundabout way of “how’s lockdown for you, are you also homeschooling?” etc)

MuddyPawPrintsEverywhere · 12/02/2021 22:09

Sounds obnoxious. Especially the person who rambled on about how amazing it is. Good for them, but unless it's part of the reason we're talking or a natural result of our conversation, I don't particularly care whether or not someone else has children or how it's changed their life.

They have no way of knowing why the other person doesn't have children, and frankly, it's none of their business.

Blacknosugarplease · 12/02/2021 22:11

Eugh! I’m sorry you’ve had to experience this. People are the worst I have a child and I promise we don’t all do this

PuppyMonkey · 12/02/2021 22:14

These are very strange conversations to have at networking meetings OP.

IstandwithJackieWeaver · 12/02/2021 22:14

Highly unusual I'd say. I've only once met someone who went on and on about how wonderful having her kids was so much I thought she was utterly tactless and pretty dull too. Unable to read the room too.

MuddyPawPrintsEverywhere · 12/02/2021 22:15

the most amazing thing you can ever do is to create amazing little humans who will grow into amazing people....

Also, maybe I'm in a ratty mood, but I'd love to see her face if someone informed her that most likely, her "amazing little humans" will grow up to be completely average people who won't do anything especially amazing at all. It's not like their children in particular are the precious gifts the whole world's been waiting for.

Gliblet · 12/02/2021 22:15

I have never used this as a conversation starter, professional or otherwise. And even though I am a mum I'm not sure I'd have been able to resist replying to client 2 with "Or Charles Manson..."

Phoebesgift · 12/02/2021 22:16

I dont think I knew if my colleagues had children until I got to know them well. I dont ask other women if they have kids. I'm genuinely not that interested.

NoKingDingaLingTitsInAbsentia · 12/02/2021 22:16

I would hate this! I'm childless and not sensitive about that but neither do I want to then have to stand and listen to someone bang on about their little darlings. It's not normal work/networking chat at all.

Original poster

Dissapointed80 · 12/02/2021 22:25

Our company was hosting the event, mix of clients (large multi-national firms), consultants (engineers, designers, contractors) so not exactly a 'green' event, lots of people used to networking ... very weird, I often find it asked by partners at social events. We have 2 female directors, one with a new baby and me. You can literally see them desperate to ask why I've decided not to have children and they gravitate towards her the minute they find out I don't have family.

OP posts:

TheCatThatGotTheCream · 12/02/2021 22:39

I just kind of put it down to them being boring and not having much else to talk about. I don't want to hear about your kids, I want to hear about you!

Fiona2020 · 12/02/2021 22:44

I completely agree. It’s either “have you got a partner/husband/lover or bit on the side followed by “do you have children” ( I have 2x step and none of my own) so I always reply “no” and the conversation stops?
I don’t get it? Are they jealous I can lie in till 10am ? It’s bizarre.

Tubs11 · 12/02/2021 22:56

Whatever happened to...so, tell me about yourself! It's a far more open and interesting question.

Binglebong · 13/02/2021 11:32

If it's lots of different business you ask about what they do, surely? The challenge is to see how long you can fake interest...

I used to do a lot of networking. To the best of my knowledge I was Never asked about kids.

sammylady37 · 13/02/2021 12:05

@MuddyPawPrintsEverywhere

the most amazing thing you can ever do is to create amazing little humans who will grow into amazing people....

Absolutely! I’m sure that when Adolf Hitler was born his mother thought he was amazing and wonderful too

BraveGoldie · 13/02/2021 12:13

I do ask this question sometimes... (of men or women)... it's clearly a thing that makes a difference in people's lives and can provide conversation.

I don't ask it straight off of people I don't know, as I know it can be sensitive... perhaps 5-10 minutes into a conversation if it is relevant in some way...

If the answer is no, I immediately say something like "oh so you are escaping the headaches of homeschooling and get to choose what you do with your time! I remember that!" (In wistful voice). Occasionally someone chooses at that point to say "actually I would love children but haven't managed..." in which case I just listen in whatever way feels right.Sometimes, they light up and gleefully acknowledge the advantages, in which case I am happy to chat about that. Otherwise, I go back to other topics. I don't talk about my kids unless asked, and make sure I answer briefly and include the bad along with the good.

I remember before I had children finding others talking about their kids mindnumbingly boring, and assume if you struggle to have children, would even be painful. I am not sure if this way of handling it is best, but tries to be sensitive to it at least.

The people who think there's nothing to talk about if the other person doesn't have kids are numbskulls.

Fairyliz · 13/02/2021 12:18

As an old person I think it’s because most people spend too long on screens and so have not learnt the art of conversation and are socially inept.
(Turns off MN and walks 30 miles to work down t’pit)

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 13/02/2021 12:20

I've never asked or been asked

Redshoeblueshoe · 13/02/2021 12:22

Fairyliz I agree. My babies are full grown adults, if anyone had ever asked me that I would have thought that they were odd

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