How is this considered a conversation starter at work event ....

[Dissapointed80]

At a work event this week and currently going through IVF so appreciate that I might be overly sensitive however. Why do so many women use the question do you have children as an opener?
Completely understand it may be a question within a series of other items. But can't understand why the first few wouldn't be generally work related. Also why do women seem to judge you for it.

Example 1
Client 1 - do you have kids?
Me - no
Client 1 - oh that’s a shame......

Client 2 - do you have kids?
Me - no
Clients 2 - it’s quiet possibly the most amazing thing you can ever do is to create amazing little humans who will grow into amazing people....

Or is it just my hormones...

Unreasonable and says a lot about the questioners.

If the answer is no, I immediately say something like "oh so you are escaping the headaches of homeschooling and get to choose what you do with your time! I remember that!" (In wistful voice). Occasionally someone chooses at that point to say "actually I would love children but haven't managed..." in which case I just listen in whatever way feels right.Sometimes, they light up and gleefully acknowledge the advantages, in which case I am happy to chat about that.

If the answer is 'no' it's really better not to comment, in case the person is sensitive about it.

Up do remember a whole weird children conversation when I was in my thirties - luckily with zero desire to have kids, and I was made to feel quite the freak. Thank god I wasn’t sensitive about it. So yes it certainly happens, particularly when a group of women get together.

Very odd. We usually just introduce ourselves.

I’m wondering how long it’ll be before someone comes along to post that while YANBU to find this strange in a work setting, YABU to be posting on MUMSnet

@peak2021

Unreasonable and says a lot about the questioners.

Yes, and really unprofessional IMHO.

I do ask this question sometimes... (of men or women)... it's clearly a thing that makes a difference in people's lives and can provide conversation.

*I don't ask it straight off of people I don't know, as I know it can be sensitive... perhaps 5-10 minutes into a conversation if it is relevant in some way...

If the answer is no, I immediately say something like "oh so you are escaping the headaches of homeschooling and get to choose what you do with your time! I remember that!" (In wistful voice). *

Can you not see how absolutely NOT sensitive you are being? Imagine you meet a millionaire who asks you, "oh, you don't have a fortune? I bet that it is nice not to have to worry about being kidnapped." The wistful tones would just add to your annoyance!

My safe, albeit dull conversation starters at work events are:

Where are you based?
Which department/part of [department] do you work in?
The training on [x] this morning was interesting, wasn't it?
Have you been on one of these [events] before?

Or failing everything else, a remark about the weather!

I work in a male dominated corporate environment and 'tell us about your family' was part of the standard intro at all events and meetings.
It often felt like an opportunity for the male senior managers to outdo each other with tales of their super fertile stay at home wives and how many babies they'd managed to pop out over what time period. Like you I was also struggling with infertility and was very sensitive about it.
My responses ranged from 'I am one of three siblings and we have a great relationship' to 'I don't have any kids but it's not through lack of trying' to completely ignoring it altogether.

It's annoying but I'd just move the conversation on and ignore it if you can. Seek out the more interesting folks who have more to talk about.

@BraveGoldie

If the answer is no, I immediately say something like "oh so you are escaping the headaches of homeschooling and get to choose what you do with your time! I remember that!" (In wistful voice)

That's as insensitive as the dickheads the OP is talking about.

Not a work event but a guest in our home. On finding out we didn't have kids asked had we considered artificial insemination

I don’t remember ever being asked and I wouldn’t ask anyone either but I guess it is just an easy conversation starter for people who do have kids. I don’t think you are being sensitive, I certainly wouldn’t say ‘oh that’s a shame’ or go on about how great it is as you never know other peoples situations though!
Good luck with the ivf

Sorry some people feel that way about how I do this. But I'm going to argue back a bit.

First, one of you has suggested saying nothing in response to someone answering they don't have children. That is 'killing the conversation', or implying there is something taboo and awkward about the word 'kids' for anyone who doesn't have them..... Second, no it's not the same as asking about having a fortune and suggesting not having a fortune is lucky. BILLIONS of people have children and BILLIONs don't. It's a normal answer either way - I'm not boasting anything exceptional by having children. Second, while having a fortune is obviously a wonderful thing, and you are better off than people who don't, having children is not like having a fortune. There are genuine advantages either way. I am genuinely wistful in plenty of ways about the advantages of not having children (especially in the first 7-8 years of parenthood!) People without young children often have bigger, more exciting social lives, much more freedom and autonomy, far more disposable income, far more time to take care of their romantic relationships - it is even more environmentally and socially responsible than spawning for your own selfish desires... there is tons of stuff that is enviable.... I genuinely think of it as a great life choice in many ways, that makes complete sense and brings lots of advantages. The suggestion that having children is like having a fortune, to me shows the assumption that having children is better (by far!) - and anyone who doesn't should be pitied. I see having/ not having children - more like living in the city or the countryside - both have advantages, both disadvantages - and yes, while some of us might not have a choice about where we live, daring to ask/ say something and appreciate both points of view should really be ok.

What is exactly is the approach you guys are recommending? Just never bring kids into a conversation - or rattle on about our own but never ask about the other person? We can't make everything taboo, surely? Otherwise, all conversations needs to be incredibly superficial and lacking in meaning....

@Dissapointed80

Our company was hosting the event, mix of clients (large multi-national firms), consultants (engineers, designers, contractors) so not exactly a 'green' event, lots of people used to networking ... very weird, I often find it asked by partners at social events. We have 2 female directors, one with a new baby and me. You can literally see them desperate to ask why I've decided not to have children and they gravitate towards her the minute they find out I don't have family.

Small thing - you do have family, OP.

People without kids aren't lacking families, we just don't have kids.

(sorry, this is a bit of a bugbear of mine!)

I have somewhat similar experiences to you –except people tend to assume I have kids rather than asking first, and then struggle to make their faces neutral when I explain that I'm not a mother. Then they either try to Be Very Sensitive And Understanding And Woke, or change the subject really quick.

That moment of them trying to figure out how to react is pretty entertaining, if nothing else.

Oh that’s awful. What makes them think you want their stranger opinions?