to be so tired of trying to help my daughter?

[sophiet882]

hi all.

dd is 15, 16 in march, and has been in a constant battle with anorexia and bed since she was 11. we have been under camhs for about 3 years now, with little to no support, especially during covid. she has had four zoom calls in the last 6 months despite being hospitalised three times (before covid) and underweight currently. she has had a meal plan put back in place due to a drastic drop in weight after a period of recovery about a month ago, and she has not met her target a single day we have been following it. every meal is a constant battle, i am a single parent with a toddler so my hands are full every minute of every day, and watching over her for every meal and comforting her, dealing with the head banging and hair pulling is not something a toddler should have to see, but i can't just shut him in another room every meal time, a single bowl of cereal can take an hour to get through, if she even finishes it all.
i love her with all of me, but this has been a constant battle for almost 5 years, granted i haven't had to sit with her everyday for 5 years but the emotional drain of watching your daughter waste away is far worse than physically managing her.
she suffers from extreme highs and extreme lows (far worse than an average teenager) which camhs has been 'looking into' for over a year now, without getting any further, suspected asd and extreme anxiety, so everything is amplified by about 1000x and i go to bed exhausted every night, only to be woken up at 5:30am by a screaming toddler who will not settle back down.

every meal time is just so emotionally draining because her attitude is usually disgusting, i know it is the anorexia talking but it has been going on on and off for years, having abuse and insults hurled your way is not a pleasant feeling.
i am hardly eating because i try to eat with my toddler and dd to make meal times 'normal'(!), i put on a movie to give her a distraction from the food, and when she starts having a breakdown over every meal, i have to comfort her and end up leaving most of my meal, and after sorting her out, i have usually lost my appetite.
we are trying to have a walk with the dog to get out of house everyday but she is simply not eating enough to sustain this without losing more weight (she has lost 2lbs since last weigh in last friday), but taking away these walks will take away our only time for some breathing space with no sobbing or self harm.
i'm not sure what i want from this, jusr a rant, i am just so drained and i'm not sure what else i can do to help her.

i am hardly eating because i try to eat with my toddler and dd to make meal times 'normal'(!)

This must be so draining for you and sounds awful. Could you eat with the toddler and then send toddler to watch tv and call your DD to the table? Model a normal meal with the toddler, you get something eat, maybe easier to help dD.

thank you so much for replying so fast.
i have definitely considered that but the small bit of advice camhs has actually given me is that we must eat together for every meal, so i've really been trying to stick to that but honestly, i am pretty close to doing what you suggested.

I’m so sorry you are going through this it sounds so hard. I’m really sorry I don’t have any concrete advice for you as I don’t have any direct relevant experience of anorexia. Sounds like you are doing all you can do.
Have you read Caitlin Moran’s new book? Some moving bits in there about supporting her teen through anorexia and think some other useful sources referenced

I would ignore camps advice, this is n’t fair on you or your toddler.

for you because it is so so difficult.
DD was also diagnosed with anorexia and OCD aged 11. It was the most trying time when we were doing the refeeding. I can't imagine doing it as a single parent, with a toddler and during lockdown!

Some things I found that helped me:
I tried to detach DD from the eating disorder. For example, at mealtimes when she was shouting, throwing food etc. I would tell myself that it is not her doing this, but the eating disorder.
I used the "Around The Dinner Table" forum to connect with other parent going through the same thing.

We were also told that we HAD TO eat together as a family and it was a huge struggle. Could you try ensuring you all eat together for your evening meal but have your toddler eat separately at breakfast/lunch/snacks?

Not much advice - sorry. Just wanted to let you know that I understand how incredibly hard it is. It's feels never ending but you WILL get through it.

Been there. Without the toddler and not in lockdown and genuinely I take my hat off to you for surviving this well, for this long.

It will change. The blessing and the curse of a DD with an eating disorder is that you don’t know when, but it will. Can you take comfort from 2 things: you can’t, whatever CAMHS say, make her eat. She has to do that bit herself. Second, maybe it’s time to do things differently. For us things changed (and you have to get to a certain place for this, where you understand there are no other options) when we said to DD, this is your fight. You have choices. If you make certain choices and lose weight, there will be consequences such as readmission. But I can’t police you any more, I’ll support you but there are 3 of us, and 2 of us are getting a really tough deal here.

YOU, OP, are important too. You have to put your own oxygen mask on sometimes. You can’t, much as you wish you could and you want to, do it for them. Best of luck. Know this isn’t your fault, and you’re doing your best.

It sounds like her anorexia is covering you all with its dark cloud.

I think going for a walk outside is really good for mental health and a good time to talk with no other pressures. Even though it will use some calories it is an important time to connect with your daughter so I would keep doing that as you can both enjoy it.

I've no experience to share but that must be incredibly tough with a toddler in tow as well as the last thing you want is the toddler being difficult with food which when they are seeing neither of you eat is going to be tough!

Good luck!

I am so sorry you are going through this OP. Is there anyone you are able to ask to help you? I'm pretty sure you're entitled to a childcare bubble in your situation.

I know the advice is that you must always eat together, but toddlers are very impressionable and it's very important that you do your best to make sure the behaviour isn't passed on. I think the suggestion of one meal a day together is a good compromise.

Don't forget, you can't help your daughter to get better if you end up falling ill yourself. Be sure to take care of yourself too and make sure you're eating enough.

Is her BMI low enough to qualify for inpatient care? I hate that she would have to be dangerously ill for this to be the case. At 16 she can go to an adult unit - a friend of mine started her career in a specialist ED hospital and it seemed a lot more calm and nurturing than other mental health hospitals.

Hi op I have a 15yo with AN as well so know how hideous this illness is first hand.

Is your dd on any meds?

There's a few of us with teens with EDs in the ED topic on here and we're a supportive bunch if you wanted to join us. There's also a FB group called 'Eating Disorders Parent/career support group' which is really good.

thank you so much everyone for the advice. even just knowing i'm not alone is exactly what i needed right now.
i am giving ds (toddler) breakfast at 6am because like i said, he is waking up at 5:30am and will not go back to sleep so this is when my day starts and he eats breakfast.
lunch and dinner are always eaten together as of camhs advice, and generally i try to give them snacks at the same time too.
i am trying so hard to stick to the meal and snack times camhs has recommended to me, but i think it is genuinely hurting her stomach, she has to eat a lot of food and very often to get her calories, and she can't manage it. of course partly it's her anorexia refusing food but she has puked before due to being so full and it breaks my heart to tell her repeatedly she has to eat this much, and when she doesn't i can't help but feel so lost, not disappointed in her or frustrated at her but at her disorder, so angry at the disease which is stopping my beautiful daughter from living a normal life, where she hasn't got blue lips and doesn't have to be weighed every week, and doesn't have to follow a meal plan instead of just eating when she's hungry like she should be doing in a normal life.

sorry, a few more replies came in as i was typing.
again, thank you so much for doing so.
i will definitely try to reduce shared meal times to one meal a day. i think i will opt for lunch, as she's generally much better then, than at dinner times (i think the idea of a 'big' tea time meal with proper cooked foods terrifies her, so she reacts much worse to it), and as pp said, the last thing i want is my son to have troubles with food too.
@Theoscargoesto thank you for so much advice. i think we are getting very close to this point now. as i said, it's been almost five years of pretty much constant food battles, and i honestly think i have taken every approach except from that one, through fear of what will happen. i think she is now at the age where if i do this, she can comprehend it far easier and make much more sensible (hopefully) decisions than when she was 12 for example.
@Love51, no, i don't think so. i think the bmi range for admission is 14? she's currently 96lbs at 5'5, so around 16bmi. of course it is a good thing she's not at that stage, but at the risk of this coming off wrong, i wish she was, so she could get some proper help, and some real nutrition, because the little she is eating currently, is definitely not giving her everything she needs.
her nails are short when they used to be so beautiful and long, and well taken care of, and now they are brittle and snap off. her hair is falling out, i can see it on her hairbrush and how her hai always looks limp when it was so shiny before.

I was the anorexic so here is my advice, take your daughter for the walk. Don’t make meal times a battle. It’s reinforcing the ideas she has.

What helped me:

• A very sporty girl in uni filled my cupboard with sweets. No pressure to eat them. They were just there. I slowly began to pick at them in my own time.
• My sporty friends took me to the gym, it boosted my mental health and they slowly introduced me to healthy food. Salads, nutrition, sport etc
• I usually wouldn’t advise this but I had no appetite (eating hurt) some of the guys got me stoned just to take me to the burger place, where I could finally eat because I had my appetite back.

Can you afford a private therapist? I went through 6 years of anorexia hell and my parents switched me to private and it was the best thing they did.

Unfortunately now I recall spending time away from my mum was the most important thing. Her attitude to food weren’t healthy...like it was a horrible task. In the end she was treated for eating disorders not me. I’m not saying this is the case but something to consider.

At the very least try to get her to take multivitamins. Good luck 💐 and yes eventually I got trauma therapy

thank you @Imworthit, it is is interesting to hear it from the other side (but in a rational way!).
we have biscuits, crisps etc all the usual crap in the cupboards, always have, her favourite chocolate used to be smarties, i have brought them for her, and kept them in there specifically for her, they haven't even been so much as looked at.
hopefully she won't be trying your last tip too soon!

if i could get her private therapy, believe me i would. i simply don't have the money for it, but i will look more into it and see if there is any possible way for me to support it, thank you.

So sorry OP, this sounds awful
I'd be inclined to do what's best for the toddler who's still forming their habits and in their formative years.
CAMHS are probably saying what's best for them and I'd tell them it's not working and ask them to take her in hospital so you can get some respite and they can do some work with her.

Are you able to make a direct referral to an eating disorder clinic rather than just relying on CAMHS?

It's tough at the best of times.. and with lockdown and a toddler, that is an incredible load to shoulder.

My experience is slightly different, but my DD1 also developed anorexia in her later teens and by the end of her first year at University came home weighing 5 stone 9 ..she's 5 ft 9 tall :( We got very little help locally but managed to get enough into her that she insisted on returning to Uni. Somehow she survived tho never truly well, and she graduated ..she's a doctor.
Ultimately tho it all fell apart and she was admitted as a patient in the very hospital where she is a doctor..which was doubly awful for her. Tube fed etc and then moved to the ED unit. Her BMI was 13 and she was still working 12 hours shifts like a living skeleton until she was admitted.

We are now nearly 2 years on from that day. She is well.. healthier and happier than she has been since she was 17. But it took her hitting rock bottom to decide to make that change..to accept help and to decide to beat it.
It's not easy for her..I'm not sure it ever will be..she's on anti anxiety meds and more, but she now has a team of people around her who support her..unlike when it was just me. I did my best but she wasn't truly ready to fight the control anorexia had over her then.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say except hang in there...and accept that you can't do it all.. if she's not ready she will probably get worse until she is either admitted or is ready herself to fight it. But she's not doing it to hurt you.. it's a bastard controlling illness .

Thank you for taking my advice the right way 😂 I was a little worried.

The best thing I can suggest is when she’s calm & you are ask her what bothers her about the dinners, what she likes, what she is comfortable with.

I would have found eating three meals with family extremely stressful.

Would she feel better with smoothies, the same food as the toddler, packets with the portion size on? Hidden calories like sugary ice pops. A salad where you sit with her and count out how low cal it is? I know that sounds counterintuitive but eating needs to be a safe space, a happy place.

I can’t even imagine the stress you’re under OP. I hope things improve for you all