to be so tired of trying to help my daughter?

[sophiet882]

hi all.

dd is 15, 16 in march, and has been in a constant battle with anorexia and bed since she was 11. we have been under camhs for about 3 years now, with little to no support, especially during covid. she has had four zoom calls in the last 6 months despite being hospitalised three times (before covid) and underweight currently. she has had a meal plan put back in place due to a drastic drop in weight after a period of recovery about a month ago, and she has not met her target a single day we have been following it. every meal is a constant battle, i am a single parent with a toddler so my hands are full every minute of every day, and watching over her for every meal and comforting her, dealing with the head banging and hair pulling is not something a toddler should have to see, but i can't just shut him in another room every meal time, a single bowl of cereal can take an hour to get through, if she even finishes it all.
i love her with all of me, but this has been a constant battle for almost 5 years, granted i haven't had to sit with her everyday for 5 years but the emotional drain of watching your daughter waste away is far worse than physically managing her.
she suffers from extreme highs and extreme lows (far worse than an average teenager) which camhs has been 'looking into' for over a year now, without getting any further, suspected asd and extreme anxiety, so everything is amplified by about 1000x and i go to bed exhausted every night, only to be woken up at 5:30am by a screaming toddler who will not settle back down.

every meal time is just so emotionally draining because her attitude is usually disgusting, i know it is the anorexia talking but it has been going on on and off for years, having abuse and insults hurled your way is not a pleasant feeling.
i am hardly eating because i try to eat with my toddler and dd to make meal times 'normal'(!), i put on a movie to give her a distraction from the food, and when she starts having a breakdown over every meal, i have to comfort her and end up leaving most of my meal, and after sorting her out, i have usually lost my appetite.
we are trying to have a walk with the dog to get out of house everyday but she is simply not eating enough to sustain this without losing more weight (she has lost 2lbs since last weigh in last friday), but taking away these walks will take away our only time for some breathing space with no sobbing or self harm.
i'm not sure what i want from this, jusr a rant, i am just so drained and i'm not sure what else i can do to help her.

This sounds really awful for you, it must be incredibly hard with a toddler as well. Do you think your daughter would work with you if you were both to agree on a healthy weight, and let her weigh herself daily, to see how she is going to achieve it? And of course, if there is any chance that she might go over her perceived healthy weight, to cut back on calories so that she feels in control of her weight.
Perhaps it just isn't that simple though. Does she accept that her weight is too low? What weight would she find acceptable?

I've had anorexia and a DD with an eating disorder and am not sure I think that the CAHMS all eat together necessarily works - IME all it does is destroy families and is extra hard on the well children in the family. In your shoes I eventually said that DD could watch a DVD or read whilst eating and that I would just sit with her and read/work. I found it took a lot of my stress away - I wasn't constantly watching her eat/getting frustrated and that had a knock on effect on reducing hers - meal times are very stressful for me anyway as a result of abuse as well as the anorexia. It may not be the CAHMs ideal but they are so totally focussed on what is best for their patient that they often miss the bigger picture of what is happening in the family as a whole - and were at risk of ending up with my DD2 as a patient too if I hadn't stopped it. SO perhaps give you and your toddler a break and eat when it suits you and then put her meal in a setting where you can keep an eye on her whilst doing something else and letting your toddler get on with his toddling.

Being able to give her a sense of control back might help. That statement that pp suggested about reinforcing she has choices could be very powerful in that respect. It's really anxiety-provoking feeling you have no control and you end up wildly clutching at anything you can control.

Does she understand that the nausea/sickness is because lack of food means the contractions of her intestines that move food along have slowed down, but persevering with eating regularly is what enables them to start contracting and moving food through her body properly?

Being "full" gives them something to grip against so they can contract efficiently, and eating regularly so they have more activity rebuilds the stamina they've lost from not being used (like your leg muscles would waste if you stopped walking or using them).

Her regular eating plan is basically physiotherapy for her intestines.

Again, just because ensuring she has this knowledge and is reminded regularly might reduce the sense of powerlessness (and therefore panic) over her body when food makes her feel sick, if she instead has the idea that she's the one taking charge of her body by training the muscles to contract regularly at the right speed. She is in the driving seat taking charge and teaching them how to work well again.

Also, when you don't understand that's what's going on in your body it feels utterly relentless and futile to eat and then feel sick and in pain... whereas knowing that sticking with regular food is what will stop the nausea makes it feel more hopeful and that you have some control. You know the nausea/pain won't last forever and that's powerful.

Does she have any of the microwaveable heat packs or hot water bottles to help when she has tummy pain / nausea after eating?

They can really help and once again it is something she can take charge of.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time op and for your children too.
My son with asd pushes back really hard if I try and insist he does things he doesn't want to do, especially if it causes anxiety. So we have to offer lots of rewards for efforts, and when I backed off a bit with food battles, he did then start to try the foods he didn't like.
Would she be any better if you gave her the control to plan her meals and sizes? So let her design a menu plan which has 2 back up options per meal in the house just incase she doesn't fancy the original plan. Even if it's starting at aiming for half a toddler portion at each sitting to begin with. I have no experience of dealing with anorexia so forgive me if I sound naive and uneducated about it, but the all sitting together for meals sounds like it could be amplifying the pressure and expectations for her? My asd child would put his foot down even more if we insisted about this if he had an issue with it. Can you try for a day letting her get her meals herself when she feels ready to try to eat? I agree about telling her the choice to try has to be hers, so let her try to make a plan but also let her know the consequence could end up having to be readmitted.
I really hope you find something that works for you all, must be awful dealing with this with no support

Have you tried milkshakes and smoothies? That helped our DD, as did mixing in plenty cream and cheese with meals like pasta, to help get the calories in. PPs suggestion of lots of sweets and snacks in a cupboard she can help herself to is a good idea too, much less pressure.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/eating_disorders/4016379-teen-eating-issues-support-thread OP this is nearly full it might be useful to jump on and follow.

Hi OP. I wrote a reply the other day, but just to add:

• Make her delete TikTok (lots of pro ana) and Insta (heavily edited photos and vids).

• Make her watch videos on the long term damage restrictive eating has on the body. This includes infertility, osteoporosis, organ failure etc.

• Make high calorie shakes in between meals.

• Help her find a hobby to help her de-stress.