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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this?

49 replies

Tanaria · 11/02/2021 14:05

STBXH has got himself a new job. He just told me that it will involve weekend work.

We have DC together and have them on a week-on, week-off arrangement and have done so for about half a year now. Over the last 4 weeks he needed me to cover him twice during the day and he has also asked me to cover childcare one extra evening so far, for the sake of his work. I am stubborn enough to sort my own shit out and ask friends/ professional childcare to cover me where needed.

I have a routine where I see my partner on weekends I don't have the kids and while he sees them regularly and they get on well, we do also enjoy our child-free time together.

STBXH was very unimpressed when he mentioned his new time commitment and I reacted by saying he'd have to sort it. Don't get me wrong, I love having my kids around and look forward to them being at mine every week. And I feel that i SHOULD say yes, I'll have them, because, well, they're my kids. But I also feel that if I did he'd take me for a mug, because he has always left me to do the hard bit (homeschooling while working from home, while he has now prioritised his work over them several times) and then collected them the second he came back.

My partner thinks I was right to not agree to this, but he is also childless and I don't know whether that skews his view a bit.

More for traffic than AIBU, what do you think?

OP posts:
Calvinlookingforhobbes · 11/02/2021 14:07

Your dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t. Personally I’d rather have the kids with me in this situation but it’s your choice entirely. Will he sort good care? What do you think you’re kids would rather?

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 11/02/2021 14:07

You’re*

PanamaPattie · 11/02/2021 14:09

YANBU - he will have to sort it. He took the job knowing he would need to work weekends. Imagine if you had a new job and you asked STBXH to cover weekends- what would be his reaction? Not favourable I bet.

Original poster
Tanaria · 11/02/2021 14:14

He would sort decent care and I know my kids would also like me to be around. Damned if I do or don't, indeed. But he took this job without even asking me first, just assuming I'd pick up the slack as I always have, one of the many reasons I left him.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 11/02/2021 14:15

I think you’re right to say sort it out himself; if he’d talked to you before he got a new job and asked if you could change arrangements a bit then that would be a bit different but I don’t think you should have to alter everything just because he’s decided to get a new job.
I have a DSD and if something comes up on a weekend we’re due to have her then DH will say to her mum does she want to swap weekends or should we arrange his parents to look after her or some kind of other arrangement. We don’t just assume her mum will have her.

MacavityTheDentistsCat · 11/02/2021 14:51

I would tell him that he needs to sort care out himself. Where will it all end otherwise? Will you be expected to rearrange your life every time he feels like changing jobs? He needs to realise that you and he are divorced now and the goalposts have shifted.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 11/02/2021 15:00

Whatever way this question is answered will upset some people. Nothing is intended as a criticism of anyone else's choice. (Or necessity).

I'd like to tell him to sort out childcare on his 'time' because he's a prick. But....

Will he have a regular work pattern?

I'd look at that & see what new arrangement might suit you all.

Who would he have looking after them if he needs to sort out childcare? (Because yes it's his choice, but if it was going to be someone unsuitable, I'd rather have them myself).

How would the kids feel? What would they want?

AStudyinPink · 11/02/2021 15:03

The cheek of him just assuming he can give his responsibilities back to his ex-wife. You’re not his childcare.

lifestooshort123 · 11/02/2021 15:09

Would he have stepped in to cover if you'd changed jobs? Probably a no? That's your answer then. He's taken you for granted by not discussing it with you first.

MadameButterface · 11/02/2021 15:09

It depends on what he’s asking for. I’d be inclined to mention that if the arrangement is no longer 50/50 care then he should be paying maintenance. Perhaps then he will magically think of another solution.

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2021 15:12

I think this depends. What is best for the kids, is it them being in child care at the weekend? Because that’s what it comes down to. Their lives are already disrupted with alternate weeks at each parents, that’s got to be hard, and now they will have childcare at the weekends.

It’s really not about him. And should he have accepted the job, it’s about what’s best for the children.

TokyoSushi · 11/02/2021 15:16

It's a complete pain, he shouldn't have accepted the job, he should sort out the care, he's a CF asking you to do it etc etc etc

BUT, what sort of care will he arrange? Will the DC be happy? I'd just take mine if I was at home rather than them being in unsuitable/unhappy at care any day.

MyLittleOrangutan · 11/02/2021 15:18

He needs to sort out proper childcare like you do in your time.

Has he give his time to look after them when you've needed to work or wanted to go somewhere during your time?

AStudyinPink · 11/02/2021 15:19

I’d be inclined to mention that if the arrangement is no longer 50/50 care then he should be paying maintenance. Perhaps then he will magically think of another solution.

And yes. This isn’t you providing him with childcare, it’s him changing the custodial arrangement for his kids.

SnarkyBag · 11/02/2021 15:19

I think you should say no. He’s you’re ex he doesn’t get the privilege of assuming you’ll be there to facilitate his life choices anymore.

Aprilx · 11/02/2021 15:22

Tricky one. He definitely should not have done that, but I would also feel sorry for the children if they have to be in childcare over the weekend.

bloodyhairy · 11/02/2021 15:24

I'm torn, but then only get every second weekend off from my kids. I can't imagine getting every other week off! I do think a bit of flexibility goes a long way, but that's just me.
What kind of support network does he realistically have? Does he have friends and family who can step in to help? And in Covid times? I know plenty will say it's not your problem, but they're your kids too.

AStudyinPink · 11/02/2021 15:26

I know plenty will say it's not your problem, but they're your kids too.

Woah! The ex is the one behaving as if they’re not his. He’s assuming his ex-wife is default childcare. Their mother isn’t the one letting anyone down here.

Tarantallegra · 11/02/2021 15:27

This is a difficult one. Do you know how desperate he was for this job? These are difficult times and the need for employment is quite important to live generally so I would try to work around it if it is a genuine need. If he already had a job or had plenty of options available then that's a different story and either way I think it's odd he only mentioned it after he got it.

PhatPhanny · 11/02/2021 15:29

I think your right to say no, but think maybe could offer a bit of a bumper period, because of the restrictions.

I know how stressful it is finding a new job in this pandemic, and I'm having to take something that I wouldn't have done before, but your entitled to your own time too.

MadinMarch · 11/02/2021 15:30

I think he should get a carer/ nanny to care for the children in their own home, as it would be much better for the children.
There must be loads of people that would jump at this job at the moment- people on furlough, students etc etc.

bloodyhairy · 11/02/2021 15:31

@AStudyinPink

Hmm I didn't say that she's letting anyone down. The main thing here is the children's wellbeing, regardless of the OP's feelings on the situation. It's just how it is.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 11/02/2021 15:31

Presumably as it's a weekend they'll be either babysat in their own home or looked after by relatives, it's not like they'll be in some after school club.

I'd say let him sort his own childcare or it's a very slippery slope of you getting dicked around by him.

AStudyinPink · 11/02/2021 15:35

The main thing here is the children's wellbeing, regardless of the OP's feelings on the situation. It's just how it is.

It’s not just how it is. It’s how you think it should be. And although I don’t disagree, you implied in your comment that ‘they’re her kids too’ that the OP is somehow not cognisant of that, when actually the issue is the other way round. Her DH getting childcare isn’t going to compromise her kids’ welfare anyway. People do it every day.

IJustWantSomeBees · 11/02/2021 15:40

@SnarkyBag

I think you should say no. He’s you’re ex he doesn’t get the privilege of assuming you’ll be there to facilitate his life choices anymore.
Agreed, if he was a single parent what would he have done? If you worked weekends what would he have done? He needs to be a competent adult and sort this out himself, that is what's in the best interests of his children: having a responsible, willing dad.

bloodyhairy, she's quite aware they're her kids too, I'm sure. Otherwise she wouldn't be looking after them half the time. The kids aren't going to suffer for having a childminder/nanny, etc occasionally on the weekend.