To say no to this?

[Tanaria]

STBXH has got himself a new job. He just told me that it will involve weekend work.

We have DC together and have them on a week-on, week-off arrangement and have done so for about half a year now. Over the last 4 weeks he needed me to cover him twice during the day and he has also asked me to cover childcare one extra evening so far, for the sake of his work. I am stubborn enough to sort my own shit out and ask friends/ professional childcare to cover me where needed.

I have a routine where I see my partner on weekends I don't have the kids and while he sees them regularly and they get on well, we do also enjoy our child-free time together.

STBXH was very unimpressed when he mentioned his new time commitment and I reacted by saying he'd have to sort it. Don't get me wrong, I love having my kids around and look forward to them being at mine every week. And I feel that i SHOULD say yes, I'll have them, because, well, they're my kids. But I also feel that if I did he'd take me for a mug, because he has always left me to do the hard bit (homeschooling while working from home, while he has now prioritised his work over them several times) and then collected them the second he came back.

My partner thinks I was right to not agree to this, but he is also childless and I don't know whether that skews his view a bit.

More for traffic than AIBU, what do you think?

The children should be the priority here not getting one up on your ex. Yes its shit that hes changed the childcare arrangement but your children dont stop being your children just because it's not 'your week'.

I'd be annoyed too but I would also prioritise my children's welfare. You need to discuss a new custody agreement and since hes going to have them less then he needs to pay maintenance or more maintenance.

The children should be the priority here not getting one up on your ex. Yes its shit that hes changed the childcare arrangement but your children dont stop being your children just because it's not 'your week'.

And his children don’t stop being his children just because he wants to change his hours. This is his responsibility.

@AStudyinPink

The children should be the priority here not getting one up on your ex. Yes its shit that hes changed the childcare arrangement but your children dont stop being your children just because it's not 'your week'.

And his children don’t stop being his children just because he wants to change his hours. This is his responsibility.

So you'd rather spite your ex than care for your children.

I would be pissed off if my ex did this without talking to me first but I would always put my children's welfare first.

If a man refused to have his children because he'd rather spend time with his new girlfriend he would be ripped apart on MN. This is what the op is doing.

This is a difficult one. Do you know how desperate he was for this job? These are difficult times and the need for employment is quite important to live generally so I would try to work around it if it is a genuine need. If he already had a job or had plenty of options available then that's a different story and either way I think it's odd he only mentioned it after he got it.

He was not desperate for the new job. He is in a very secure position, although he may have gone for promotion. There are lots of alternatives available where he does not have to work weekends and earn the same or more than he does now.

Would he have done the same for me? I doubt it. I also can't shake the feeling that part of the decision making for him was to disrupt my relationship with my new(ish) partner. He has always been controlling.

He's not enough of an arse to shove the children off to a shoddy alternative, but more than enough to badmouth me over stopping him should be have to go back on his decision to start the new job.

Saying that, he has plenty of time to sort out childcare... but they are my children, so I am torn. Those weekends are precious to me; I never used to get a minute to myself because ex used to leave me with the kids almost all the time while he went off to do his own thing. Now I ensure I have at least a full day to myself every weekend and spend the other with my partner.

It would be far less of a problem if he had made that decision in a few years, but the youngest is only reception age.

• So you'd rather spite your ex than care for your children.

I would be pissed off if my ex did this without talking to me first but I would always put my children's welfare first.

If a man refused to have his children because he'd rather spend time with his new girlfriend he would be ripped apart on MN. This is what the op is doing.*

No, what the OP’s Ex is doing is palming his children back on his ex-wife without it discussion because he doesn’t want to pay for childcare, as the OP would be expected to do rather than send her kids to her ex during her own weekend without discussion.

And as per usual, the woman is getting the grief for not being flexible, not putting her kids first, having a life blah blah blah.

He is the one who wants to make a change. It is his responsibility.

My ex husband is exactly like this. Took a new job last year which involved shifts and didn't speak to me about it until he'd got the job. He just assumed I'd happily change the pattern we've had for 9 years of who has DD when.
It means I now get the majority of home schooling and don't get a weekend off for a month at a time.
He now only has DD when he's not working as he can't work from home. Every week he accepts an extra shift or 2 without consulting me first. I'm trying to do zoom calls around checking homeschooling too.
I'm exhausted, but DD wants to be with me so I always say yes.

I'm sorry, but the whole ''I'd put my DC first'' is not on.

Of course you have to put your DC's health and welfare first, but that's NOT what this is about !

It's about having to ''pick up the slack'' of a parent, and grown man, because HE cannot be arsed to !! It's SO much easier for him to think, ''shit, they want me to work x day, but I've got the kids that day...............fuck it ''she'll'' have them, and I'll tell work 'of course I'll work x day' ......................

No No NO !!!!

Stop being 'there' whenever he decides you should be, to accommodate HIM and HIS work and HIS social life

It's up to HIM to sort out work/ childcare arrangements, period.
No helping him out, because I'm damned sure he wouldn't be helping you out just because you changed jobs etc !

This has nothing to do with the DC health/ welfare and everything to do with bloody minded men expecting women to accommodate their jobs !

YANBU.

All the background doesn’t really matter - childcare is the responsibility of the person who is looking after the children at that time. So if it falls in his contact time, he sorts it. And that doesn’t mean sends the kids back to you.

Yes of course you would have them but the point is, you's have agreed week on/off residency.... He can't just go back on it because it suits him. He has to sort childcare on his time, simples.

Or revert back to an EOW pattern(and do not cover his work clashes) and claim CMS. He would not have them if the roles were reversed so why should you just because you are their mother?

@AStudyinPink

* So you'd rather spite your ex than care for your children.

I would be pissed off if my ex did this without talking to me first but I would always put my children's welfare first.

If a man refused to have his children because he'd rather spend time with his new girlfriend he would be ripped apart on MN. This is what the op is doing.*

No, what the OP’s Ex is doing is palming his children back on his ex-wife without it discussion because he doesn’t want to pay for childcare, as the OP would be expected to do rather than send her kids to her ex during her own weekend without discussion.

And as per usual, the woman is getting the grief for not being flexible, not putting her kids first, having a life blah blah blah.

He is the one who wants to make a change. It is his responsibility.

yes, and, I am sure if he'd come at op saying 'I have been offered a job that involves weekend work, would you be happy changing the contact schedule, or shall I look for childcare, or a combination of both options, what do you think?' this would be a whole different thread, and possibly not even exist in the first place, because op wouldn't feel railroaded and put on the spot.

@Poptart4

And that is why your EXH will always put himself first I'm afraid.

And that's great, if you're happy with this arrangement. Unfortunately not everyone is going to be happy about it though.

Far too many women mistake the requirement for their DC's care as being theirs, and theirs alone. It's not.
Nursery/ school/after school clubs/ childminders/ grandparents/relatives etc all care for children perfectly well, and the children gain social skills, learn new things and thrive in the care of a wider circle of settings. It's one of the main fears of parents that ,because of Covid, their children are missing out on acquiring these skills !

I have never understood why some women think that they are the only 'proper' carer for their children. It's almost like a badge of honour for some mothers, and they wear it with the stressed/ anguished expression of the eternally exhausted . I honestly think these mothers need reassurance that it's OK to allow someone else to help care for their children. Not everyone is equipped to provide 24/7 care 365/ a year without a break !

It is ok for others to care for your children (obviously not just anyone, but someone with experience or qualifications etc, I don't mean just anyone off the street And I honestly don't think it's really helpful to say things like ''So you'd rather spite your ex than care for your children.'' Why exactly should the OP be made to feel guilty for standing up for herself ?

@updownroundandround so many assumptions.

Firstly I dont have an ex, I'm still with the father of my children. That doesn't mean I cant empathise with the op.

Secondly I dont think mothers should be with their kids 24/7 365days a year

The OP should absolutely stand up for herself. AND make time for herself and new relationship.

My point is MY children will always come first. If my ex decided to be a dickhead and cut his time with the kids, I wouldnt think "well their not my problem".

You sound very bitter.

@Poptart4

I still read this

''My point is MY children will always come first. If my ex decided to be a dickhead and cut his time with the kids, I wouldn't think "well their not my problem"

.....as ''You should hang your head in shame for deserting your DC'' i.e having a holier than thou attitude to being the perfect mother symbol.

Sorry, but that's how it sounds to me .

Thank you for all the opinions. It's exactly the dilemma I find myself in, though, mum guilt if I say no (even though I know he'd find a decent alternative), but also saying no to an imposed change in childcare arrangements, which would not have happened the other way around. I wanted to change careers before leaving him and have since decided to postpone this, mainly because I'd have to start being on call over nights and weekends.

He also would not give me all DC to spend time with, only the youngest, who couldn't reasonably be left alone for a few hours. That's how it's been the last few times he needed childcare.

It’s sound like you’d be doing more than 50/50 in which case I’d tell him you’re applying for CMS to cover the increased expenses. I’ve noticed men often ask for 50/50 then only do 30/70 whilst still not paying. It’s crafty.

Hmm the fact that he’d only send the youngest changes things a bit.

I’d say yes but my terms would be that he would forfeit all of the children for the whole weekend, no picking them up when he finishes and dropping them off the next day. I also wouldn’t be swapping any of my days to compensate for him not having them at the weekend.

I guess also it depends if it’s one day or both and every weekend or just occasional. Could he offer to work every other weekend, when you have the children anyway?

I can see both sides. I think for me it would depend what his childcare plans were. Say he got relatives to help that the kids enjoyed spending time with that would he ok. But a paid babysitter who didn't take them out anywhere and they didnt like, well yes technically it is his issue to sort but then I don't think I'd be able to relax and enjoy my child free weekend knowing they were having a shit time. Also depends how often, if every weekend, one weekend a month etc

I'd prefer to have my children with me than in childcare as they are more important than a relationship

Presumably it is 50/50 at the moment so what is he actually suggesting you have one every weekend.

I think you need to point out that his time his responsibility unless he wants to change it and start paying child maintenance. Because if you are going to be having them every weekend that makes a huge difference.

I'd prefer to have my children with me than in childcare as they are more important than a relationship

This isn't about my relationship. Quite frankly, given that we're planning on co-habiting in a year or two if my kids are around they are around and I do prioritise them over my partner.

This is about my ex dictating my time without consultation. This is about him assuming I can drop my responsibilities at the drop of a hat on a regular basis because HE made a change to his life without even considering this.

This is about that fact he treats me like a babysitter, unable to have all my children with me and literally just looking after the youngest for the exact hours he needs, not a minute longer - he has refused to let them stay with me overnight before when he needed me to look after them the day after changeover.

Yes, they're my kids. But the decision to leave him was also the decision to no longer act as a doormat to him.

Try looking at it from the children's perspective, you know how they think and whether they're likely to feel hard done by. Consider what impression your ex might give them, would he try and plant the seed that they have to go to granny's house /childminder because mommy doesn't want them?

It's a difficult situation but I think I would have to make my decision on those factors. Yes you're personal time is valuable and you should be entitled to a life away from kids....but when they look back on this time will they remember that? Or will their gut reaction be that they were stuck with a childminder because their mom didn't want them? I'm not saying that's actually true, but there's a real risk they will see things that way.

*your

I think that there are a number of things here.

You have had a 5050 arrangement, for the last 6 months. I presume no cao? Given this, I would say that there are a few things to bear In mind:
1 in a court scenario, if it ended up there, they'd require that his shift pattern is worked around, in the same way as if yours needed working around. So given that, and not knowing if he'd pursue via court, I'd keep that in mind.
2 by you only having the children during the daytimes, he's keeping his number of overnight contacts to 5050 and not then liable to pay child maintenance. So my initial suggestion would be to email, so it's in black and white, stating that since his starting the new role, he's needed you to have the children when it's his weeks. That you have been obliging, to assist with him embedding in his new role, but now more permanent arrangements need to be agreed. So if he's unable to have 5050 contsct with him being fully responsible for all of the children, you'll gladly have them, reducing his contact time by 2 days each week, so the arrangement thus being a split of 65-35 and you will of course then need the appropriate level of child maintenance. Of course, you'd add that he's perfectly entitled to stick to the 5050 arrangement fully and arrange alternative childcare, at his cost for the children himself on his weeks. By doing this, you're reasonable, have set your stall out and he then has it in black and white. But he also has to make a decision, either pay you child maintenance or sort out the childcare.
I appreciate that you don't want this, but ultimately, it's better to approach it this way than to end up with him continuing as he is and probably saying you don't want them because of your new bf.
Ultimately, it maybe that you have to rearrange your child free time to an evening of what is currently your child free week and tbh that's no different to what majority of parents have to do. It's unfortunate that your new partner doesn't really understand the situation and may well be unrealistic about how much child free time you'd both have as a couple moving forward, given this 5050 is recent and not set in stone as such.

If he truly cant manage then you need to revisit the childcare arrangements, so you have them during the week he has them EIW and pays maintenance

If he doesn’t want to do that then he sorts childcare on the weeks they are with him