To be sick of people's comments post-baby

[groundhoglet]

I think I'm just tired and I want to vent and see if anyone else feels the same. I had a baby just over a year ago and took 12 months maternity leave. During that time I cut my long hair into a bob - something I've tended to do every 5 or 6 years anyway so it was time, and I'd only delayed it because of the beautiful pregnancy hair. So I cut it when I was on leave. First cut was nice, second cut not so good but fine.

Today a colleague on a work call commented on it and said it was 'the first step in being a mum' - literally no one has said any nice things about it (though I think it looks quite nice, just a different style from hippy long hair I had before) - but I've had plenty of comments about how 'you're a mum now' etc. WTF?? unless I'm really losing my mind it doesn't look frumpy. can a woman not just cut her bloody hair and it not be all about the baby??

As a result I've gone from feeling good and happy to sort of insecure about my looks, like everyone's constantly just seeing me as a mum with 'mum hair'. and sort of pitying me. The irony is I cut it because it was a way to look after myself. I feel so sad. AIBU?

Are they meaning it as a compliment? That rather than ‘hippy hair’ it looks sophisticated and grown up?
Or meaning it as a compliment in ‘oooh, how lovely you are a Mum’?

Is looking like a Mum meant to be derogatory?

It is really irritating when you suddenly get defined as being a mum more than friend / woman at work etc and people are really clumsy about it. But it is partly just the novelty.

You sound very aware of things like hair etc so have confidence in yourself. It’s your hair and if you are happy with it, that’s all that matters.

Are you sure they're not just trying to make conversation OP?

Getting a 'mum cut' is pretty well known. I never thought of it as a negative and did get my hair cut shorter at the beginning of my mat leave to lessen hair pulling!

I think you’re over reacting. Gosh! Can’t anyone say anything anymore?!

I did something similar while on maternity leave. The first time my (male) boss saw me when I got back, he said that we now had the same haircut (which was true). I was not offended at all.

There is a thing where people think all women get a short haircut because they are turning into a frumpy mum. Tbh, the joke is old and hackneyed. You are probably more current than they are 🤷‍♀️.

I think the current hair stereotype seems to be 'The Karen'. But I always thought the Karen stereotype was meant to be about racism..? So how anyone thinks they can tell someone is racist from their haircut is beyond me...although maybe skinheads in the 70s, but that was different, as I think they were an organised gang who set out to look that way to wear their racism as a badge of 'honour'.

Basically, people will always have something dickish to say, because they are dicks. Smile and nod and file them in your mental filing cabinet under "wankers".

I think they’re just admiring your new style. Also lots of women I know (including me) cut our long hair after the first baby. For me it was because I needed it to be easier and quicker to wash and dry. Plus baby would yank on it as she got older. And you lose a lot of hair post partum so often old styles don’t suit as much.

@mynameiscalypso

I did something similar while on maternity leave. The first time my (male) boss saw me when I got back, he said that we now had the same haircut (which was true). I was not offended at all.

Your male boss had a bob? Not the point, but I feel I needed to ask!

Sorry to say, but from now on, an awful lot of your life will be defined by you being a Mum. It sucks, and I don’t know what you can do about it.

When dd was old enough, I went to a group where they didn’t know I was a mum, just so I could be significantown for a change rather than baby significant’s mum.

I don’t cut my hair or change anything about myself for others to comment on. I do it for me and if I’m happy then I don’t care what other people say. There’s always going to be people whose opinion about everything has to be heard.

If you like your hair so what, ignore the people who make weird comments about it being mum hair, no it’s just hair and you fancied a change. I don’t look at anyone and think oh they’re a mum or that’s mum hair - frankly why would anyone?, who cares one way or the other (clearly some do - ignore it). Some people might just be making conversation, ignore it. Enjoy your baby and your hair and just do what you want, what makes you happy and your family happy.

Yes, I agree @Significantown. Doesn't happen to men funnily enough. "Oh John, got a new haircut have you? Is that cos you have a baby"? Said nobody to any man ever.

@Fatfunt

I think you’re over reacting. Gosh! Can’t anyone say anything anymore?!

Maybe don't imply that getting a haircut after you've had a baby is the first step in a long, grim route where nothing matters except your offspring, while you quietly opt for a blue rinse and sackcloth?

Take no notice, OP. People have some deeply weird, entrenched ideas about both hair length and motherhood.

I have a friend who decided to let her hair go grey after dyeing it for years, who had a dimwit junior colleague go on about how 'brave' she was, and then, on a later occasion, tell her that it was OK (apparently) for her to have grey hair because she was 'so thin'. Being fat and grey-haired would have been a step beyond 'brave' and into 'letting yourself go' territory apparently.

It's like some people have signed up to some weird self-presentation code and assume it's universal.

Yanbu. This sounds really annoying OP. Just ignore them.

I think you are tired and crabby. But I get where you are coming from. But your tiredness will definitely influence how you react to things.

A compliment is, 'Your hair looks nice!'. Maybe the commenter has some issue with maternity? Who knows?
I was trying to describe a cut to a hairdresser, l was said l didn't want it to be ageing and he said 'to look like somebodies mum', as in a generic low maintenence, practical style. It shouldn't be bad to look like a mum, everyone has one. It's just not glamorous, because there's a lot of cleaning shit and snot, and you don't want to run your hand through long locks after that.

I think it’s more recognition of the fact that babies grab long hair and you get all kinds of delightful stuff stuck in it.

@MavisDracula1 Pretty much! His hair grows ridiculously fast and he is very much in need of a lockdown haircut 😂

Interesting that’s the “first step” I’m confident getting pregnant was actually the first step.

@MavisDracula1

Yes, I agree *@Significantown*. Doesn't happen to men funnily enough. "Oh John, got a new haircut have you? Is that cos you have a baby"? Said nobody to any man ever.

This.

I bet your hair looks great OP. Fuck anyone else - it's the same kind of shit you get when you're pregnant too, people thinking they can just say what they like and of course you're the problem if you don't immediately thank them for their compliments and advice.

Not hair but I can remember taking great offence when one of my friends without kids commented on my “mum coat” when out for a walk with baby DD. I got all wound up thinking how rude, it’s so practical and keeps me warm etc before realising that I wouldn’t have been caught dead in it about 3 years earlier

I cut my hair because I couldn't bear the hair pulling. Maybe that's why lots of people do it and they assume you did too

Its because people assume that longer haur is harder to minimising, takes longer to wash etc. so by having short hair you ste saving time in looking after it because you are a busy mum. My cousin chops off her long hair before she has a baby for this very reason. I often think some shorter styles are harder to manage and maintain because they need more styling and a regular cut to look good. If you are happy with your hair don't give it headspace, any time anyone mentions it repeat that you just fancied a change.

*hair not haur

SeeI had my hair chopped off while I was pregnant and avoided all those types of comments

Sorry op but people do feel the need to comment about everything once you’ve had a baby

It’s so annoying. I sympathise

Bet your hair looks awesome tho

I’ll never forget before I had my DC someone telling me gleefully that I’d never be able to have long nails again (you can’t and change a nappy apparently) and that I’d need to cut my hair (because once I’d had my baby it would fall out and have bald patches anyway).
I’ll always remember it because it was said very spitefully. I think some people just want to bring you down to their level OP. Try your best to ignore.

Why is 'mum hair' a thing? I get new mum hair (unwashed, probably some puke in it) in the very early days... but 'mum hair'? And why would you assume it's frumpy?

It's an odd comment to make, what's wrong with 'your hair looks nice'? and I agree no one every comments on men's hair cuts in the same way. But OP obviously has some assumptions or judgements too about other women if the first thing she thinks is mum=frumpy.

Fwiw, my hair is very different to pre kids, I've embraced curls instead of straightening and I think it looks amazing! I love having a mane of long curls with lots of volume, I had so many comments about doing it because I had a baby which I usually answered with 'no, the baby makes very few decisions about my style choices'. DH has had a few 'dad-bod' jokes aimed at him but in a much less judgey tone than what women get and it's such a double standard!