Siblings having different memories of childhood experiences

[bloodyhairy]

Spoke to my sister on the phone last night. She was understandably upset with our mother, who will drive a considerable distance to see our other sister, but not suggest meeting up with her (for a walk in the park!). Both sisters live only a few streets apart. Not an issue for me really, as I live about an hour away. To be fair, mum and other sister do work together sometimes, hence the drive.
No jealousy there as such. As sisters, we are close. And it's obviously not our sister's fault that mum chooses to prioritise in this way.
Anyway, the conversation last night turned to childhood memories. Our mum was very distant when we were growing up. As in, not present emotionally. She was cold, grumpy, depressed probably. We were given nutritious meals, were well turned out, and the house was immaculate. Our physical needs were met, but she's not particularly maternal and we weren't nurtured. I have to say in mum's defence, that she did get better as we got older (as in teens). Having young children dependent on her is really not her bag. Or anyone really, as she struggles with having to be there for her elderly mother.
For a while, we attended a primary school in a deprived area of Glasgow. It was quite a stressful experience looking back, as it was pretty rough. Think kids threatening to beat you up after school!
My sister, whose long-term memory is admittedly far superior to mine, remembers vividly that we used to walk home some lunchtimes (I am 4 years older than her). According to her, we would knock on the door, and mum would ignore us from the inside. Then we would give up and walk back to school. Dad would be at work.
We would have been roughly 10 and 6. Sister claims she was inside as she heard sounds coming from our flat.
I have absolutely no memory of this lunchtime thing happening. Sister swears blind it's true. Our mum wasn't the best, but she wasn't cruel. And wouldn't my sister have been too young to leave school for lunch anyway?! This would have been early 80s. Sister is a good person, and completely normal. Definitely not the type to fabricate vindictive lies about our mother because she's currently pissed off with her!
I'm not sure what to believe, but will let it go as it's in the past.

Have you and your sibling(s) ever had completely different memories of something that may have happened in childhood?
Random question I know , but the whole thing has got me thinking this morning.

Yes it's happened to me too. Usually it's my brother saying I did things that I remember him doing. Like when he was in a rage he tipped the bookcase over. I know it wasn't me because I remember I was upstairs doing my homework at the time and was wondering whether I could use this as an excuse to get out of doing it. He swears it was me that did it.

My sister and I can't agree on our mum's age. She lies about her age, and we both have very conflicting ideas of her age.

She's older than our dad and very ashamed of age. It feels very weird to say "I don't know how old my mum is".

FWIW, I think my evidence is stronger - my dad mentioned something about her bus pass a few years ago and she hushed him up, which ties in with my estimate of her being 70 then. (Ironically she used to lie to make us younger to get cheaper bus travel, but now she won't use the pass she's entitled to.) I think she's had the vaccine but won't admit it because they aren't doing under seventies in her area yet. She gave her age as the same as my dad in local news articles, which is BS, as she'd have been 18 when she had my brother then, and that doesn't tie up with anything else to do with her previous marriage.

But my sister has equal certainties that she remembers confirmation of her age at other points that would suggest she was younger sooner - but then I think those are lies too.

Yeah I have the better memory and there are things I remember my brother doesn’t. There are also things he remembers that I don’t. Her memory there is pretty specific tbh.

Yes, my sister and I remember different things, I think it's quite common.
My sister remembers things which interested her, outdoors stuff and so on. She also had a much better relationship with our parents so she remembers our dad as being fun, I remember him as being quite distant and harsh.
My mother couldn't get on with me and I became the family scapegoat whereas my sister had it easier, so while I remember hard times and punishments, she remembers good times and being allowed to do stuff which I wasn't....which she can't imagine being true. I've stopped discussing it any more.

There's a short Netflix film on memory that's really interesting. Apparently our memories merge with our imagination over time and it's quite easy to have false memories. That why it's so important to get eyewitness accounts quickly after an event.

My sister (the golden child) remembers having an idyllic childhood with loving parents who would never raise a hand or voice to either of us (I'm sure that was true for her). I on the other hand remember vicious beatings and constant verbal abuse, I have the hospital and social work reports that back up everything I remember but my sister won't except its true.
Some people block out bad memories as a self defence mechanism, are you sure that you're not doing that?
Also yes your 6 year old dsis would have been allowed to walk home with a sibling at lunch in scotland in the 80s

Yes siblings do often have different memories of childhood experiences and then the parents will have another different memory of it.

I think it’s unlikely that a school would have let a 10 and 6 year old leave at lunchtime?
It sounds like a dream to me, and it’s become interwoven with real memories. Worries about a distant and uncaring mother could have played out in her dream as the door being locked, and her knocking ignored.

It would have been quite a traumatic thing for a 6 year old but more of an 'oh well' thing for a 10 year old, I'd be inclined to think you're remembering it differently, because it impacted you differently.

The writers Margaret Drabble and her sister Antonia Byatt are estranged having had a “feud beyond repair”.

I believe Antonia did not like the way their mother was portrayed in one of Drabble’s novels and they have different childhood memories.

I love Margaret Drabble’s writing.

I think it’s unlikely that a school would have let a 10 and 6 year old leave at lunchtime?

How old are you? It was the norm in my school days, loads of kids went home for lunch.

@WaltzForDebbie

There's a short Netflix film on memory that's really interesting. Apparently our memories merge with our imagination over time and it's quite easy to have false memories. That why it's so important to get eyewitness accounts quickly after an event.

This is interesting - I'll check that out. Funnily enough there was a very persuasive long form article in NYMag a few weeks ago that debunks false memory syndrome

https://www.thecut.com/amp/article/false-memory-syndrome-controversy.html

Not quite the same but I bite my tongue when dc talk about their paternal dgm. She was an awful woman. To everyone.. They talk about how lovely she was. And how her home baking was amazing.

People it most definitely wasn't.
Hard to listen to but she died a few years ago and I had long since been nc anyway..

It could very well be real but I wonder if it was possibly a dream? Sounds very similar to recurring dreams I had at around the same age of trying to get to my mum but not being able to/of her not letting me in or walking ahead of me really fast and I couldn't catch up. If your mum was cold/distant your DSis probably had anxiety around that as a child, combined with the scary school experience it sounds like a dream a six year old might have?

Almost 30 years on those dreams I used to have are still completely vivid.

@KizzyKat91

I think it’s unlikely that a school would have let a 10 and 6 year old leave at lunchtime? It sounds like a dream to me, and it’s become interwoven with real memories. Worries about a distant and uncaring mother could have played out in her dream as the door being locked, and her knocking ignored.

In the early 80s school would definitely have let a 10 and 6 yr old leave the school at lunchtime. We did it all the time - if I forgot my packed lunch I would just go to my Nanas for lunch with the school having no knowledge and this was in a good school in a good town

I think it’s unlikely that a school would have let a 10 and 6 year old leave at lunchtime?

I'm an eighties child. Multiple children left my primary school and went home for lunch.

Absolutely you would have been allowed to walk home for lunch at that ages in the 80's. My sister is very protective of her 17 DS when I remind her we walked a mile to and from school morning, lunchtime and afterschool crossing 3 roads ages 5 and 8 she tries to say we didn't. We absolutely did.

Same here! I remember having a gorgeous Polly pocket bracelet as a child, I remember the clasp broke (I was about 7) whilst I was walking to my friends house (army camp 1990s so perfectly safe to do so) and the little dolls flying everywhere. I remember scratching my arms on a blackberry bush to retrieve some of the dolls, and not being able to find my favourite one (I think it flew down a drain). I even have a memory of how much the stuff stung my arms when I went home and told my mum and she put it on the scratches.
My mum is convinced she gave it away to a friend after I was poorly behaved and swears that friend still has it, but when questioned the friend claims she’a had it as a gift from her parents.
Thing is, said friends bracelet is totally different to mine, but no one else seems to remember what mine looked like!
Even worse: I remember waking up in a hospital bed with tubes and wires etc and seeing through a glass window the children’s ward with kids running around and playing (which I couldn’t do, having just undergone major surgery).
It’s an image BURNED into my mind yet, my parents insist I was in an adult ICU and there was no way I could see the kids playing, yet I remember really important details like the colour of my blood was deep red (like a rose) and the machine behind my head smelt weird, like mothballs and the stickers they put on my charts (which we all agree about).
Memory is a freaky thing.

False memories, blocking out traumatic memories plus people will have very different core memories. It's definitely not unusual, maybe your sister is right that you did that but was wrong about your mum bearing you? Maybe it only happened once but she's falsely remember it's happened more. Either way. She believes it.

My brother lives in an alternate reality where our childhood was rainbows and butterflies. He was favoured by our father because he was nicer to him apparently. Whereas my other brother and I deserved our abusive treatment because we weren’t nice to dad.

Thank goodness for my other brother who backs up my memories so I can see the gaslighting for what it is.

Some people don’t want to face the unpleasant aspects of their childhood because they find it uncomfortable. Or it doesn’t sit with the image they’ve created of themselves. So they minimise and justify abuse and neglect. Sometimes experiences are exaggerated or a couple of different experiences are merged into one. But it’s less common IME for memories to be completely made up.

My brother can’t remember anything below the age of about 10 or 11. We had a lovely childhood, but we’ll talk about x holiday or when y happened, and he honestly has no clue at all. I think it makes my Mum quite sad!

I think we are more likely to remember events that have an emotional impact good or bad. So two people could witness the same thing but only one of them would have a strong enough emotional reaction to make the memory stick in the longer term.

The podcast Reply All has an episode on this sort of thing.
gimletmedia.com/shows/heavyweight/n8hoed

My sister swears blind that our street was so badly flooded that a farmer neighbour was going across it in an inflatable boat.
Me and my parents remember the flood but the water was about ankle deep and cars were still going through
She won't hear it though

Yes, practically our whole childhood. We had a chaotic and traumatic upbringing but my brother remembers it as if we grew up in a perfect Disney fairytale.

It has made me question my own memories on multiple occasions but other family members can verify mine whereas his are filled with contradictions and holes.

Instead of letting it be a source of conflict between us, I choose to believe he remembers things the way he does in order to protect himself and so no longer challenge anything he says. It doesn’t lessen my memories and it can be difficult to hear him praise someone who hurt us but I believe it’s how he copes and I wouldn’t want to take that away from him.