To say I don't care anymore? (13yo bedroom related)

[Pastcaringnow]

Background: 3 years ago, we moved into an absolute dump of a house. Everything needed doing. Plastering, windows, doors, decor. We decorated the DCs room to a habitable level.
2 years ago, it was time to start making the rooms 'proper bedrooms'. We spent £2500ish on DD11 and DD4 (at the time) bedroom. Carpet, plastering, decorated to DD11 choice, bunk beds, wardrobe, drawers, curtains etc etc.
Within 2 months, drawers had broken backs from DD forcing too much in, room was full of rubbish, impossible to walk through.
Fast forward 2 years of me lecturing them, 'put clothes away, clear the floor, get rid of empty glasses etc, show some respect'
DDnow13 came down tonight crying hysterically because she'd torn the (expensive) wallpaper.
My response was 'I'm past caring. You have no respect for your space, forcing your 6yo sister to live the same way. The bedroom will stay the way it is permanently'
She's now sobbing about how I'm angry with her (I'm past that) and disappointed in her (I was but genuinely past caring) and how she's going to save to redecorate (not happening as the rest of the house needs to be done.
So not to drip feed, this is the main bedroom of the house. Myself and DP only got carpet in our room 6 months ago, no decoration or furniture other than the bed we sleep in. Other DCs have adequate decor and carpet but need upgrading.
WIBU to tell her to I don't care about her room anymore?

Also, carpet is stained from makeup and paint

How did she tear wallpaper?

I've given up re teen rooms being tidy, just close the doors and ask them to bring their bedding and laundry out every now and again, but that's different to deliberate damage.

Why not tell her to work out tge cost of the things most impirtant to her and then she can save her money for them. If she has a better idea of cost and has had to pay for it then she will look after it.

I think you're very right to reinforce that she is not respecting her space and her belongings. If you don't reinforce this, she may grow up into an adult who lives in squalor through choice.

She does seem to have her head screwed on though. She's upset because she knows she's done wrong and clearly knows the value of money to some extent by offering to pay.

I think I would remove the wallpaper from her room and paint that wall, to avoid wallpaper being torn again. I'd help her clean the room up and tell her that she needs to keep it this way and respect the house. I'd tell her that you do not have the money and time to fix her room again. (Saying that, I would probably fix it again as I couldn't stand to know her room in my house was a mess )

@Toorapid putting up posters I think. My major gripe is the rest of us are living in hovels and she's destroying everything with no care for the cost.
Also, her 6yo sister has to live with the state as well which is very unfair.

How did the wallpaper tear?
Can’t she buy new wallpaper with her own money and then help put it up.

I’m not surprised you’re annoyed. It is frustrating watching newly decorated rooms be wrecked .

@CherryBlossomTree7 I've cleaned, sorted, ironed, scrubbed several times. Her older sister has done the whole room out. Within days it's back to squalor

I wouldn’t spend another cent on the room. Don’t fix the wallpaper.
Say that you know she’s sorry and you’re glad she’s going to try harder to be tidy.
I’d only go in to collect glasses and help the younger one with her stuff. YANBU after two years of asking her to be tidier and respectful.

Hmm. I would not tolerate a younger sibling having to share a room like that (If I have understood you correctly). I'd have bagged up all of DD1s stuff and put her in a cupboard. Preferably under the stairs

But then again, I cannot stand mess like that.

What I know from my own children is that there comes a point when they cannot tackle the job themselves. So at that age we had routines. If they were followed, rewards and privileges followed. If not they lost these.

It's fine not to care if DD13 is upset at self-inflicted damage, but are you abandoning the six year old to this horror of a room?

She’s 13. She’s old enough to understand. My DD (12) has moments of utter bomb hitting her room. But when I have a screech moment she does tidy up. Would be very annoyed and can totally understand why you are now done with it. Maybe this is now the way for her to realise. I would focus on the other rooms now. She had her moment.

YANBU to wash your hands of the mess and mayhem, but unless your younger DD can move to another room, I think it needs dealt with.

Have you taught her how to tidy? Why does she have paint in a bedroom?

How many bedrooms/DC do you have?

I wouldn’t spend anymore time and money on it whilst there are other rooms that need your attention.
Is there any way for the younger dd to share with someone else and put your 13 year old in the box room?

How did it tear?

Have you shown her how to tidy?

We assume children know how to do these things but unless we teach them they don't know. She obviously cares as she was crying. Maybe a lesson in how to tidy?

You describe your house as a dump. I think that might be relevant here. YABVU.

Could you put up a room divider?

Then they both get more privacy? Maybe she doesn't like sharing - not excusing the damage btw

I think 12/13 is a tough age & lockdown is really hard for them. Maybe it's because she's depressed?

www.diy.com/departments/karalis-cut-out-adjustable-height-room-divider/1012710_BQ.prd

I totally agree. My DS13 room is an absolute state. He's asked for it to be redecorated and a new bed.

However, until he learns to respect his current furniture and possessions, it won't be happening.

If you were that cold with her when she's crying hysterically, scared of your reaction because she wanted to put a few posters up, then yes YABU. Poor girl. Maybe you should do a bit less lecturing about respect and explain to her a little bit more kindly that you can't afford to repaper her room, as there are other priorities, and go and help her cover up the damage instead.

The things are kids struggle with the most are the things they most need our help with. Take a little bit of time every day to help them keep on top of their bedroom. The worst thing you can do is give up

Sorry but I don’t get why you spent so much on a child’s bedroom. I’ve just had my bedroom redecorated and new flooring put in, new curtains one new item of furniture. Comes to about £1200 and it’s my dream bedroom.

You sound so negative when in fact this is with in the realms of normal child behaviour. Put a positive spin on it. Explain that after you’ve decorated your own bedroom you will consider tidying up the decor of her bedroom but only if her room remains tidy consistently.

There are somethings you can do to help her with self organisation. Help her do a big declutter and find a home for everything. Talk to her about putting everything back in it’s home immediately after use. Daily tidying.

Oh bless her.

If she was crying hysterically, then yes.

Hmmm...I think YABU, a bit.

It sounds like at age 11 and 4 you just expected them to put things away and keep the room tidy with no help or guidance or actual structure. (Apologies if that wasn't actually the case, but it's how your OP reads). And that 'within 2 months' it was a tip. I suspect most kids would struggle to keep a room tidy without help. You can't just say 'put clothes away, clear the floor, have respect!' Unless it's just a case of having one or two items to clear away, mess can swiftly reach a point where it's too overwhelming and they (quite literally) can't see the room for the shite and don't know what to do.

Really silly question maybe but have you ever had a structured routine of helping them tidy on, say, a weekly basis, and get organised, other than 'lecturing' them? My kids can keep rooms reasonably tidy (my rule is 80% of the floor has to be clear) but they need direction on a regular basis!

It's very common for teens to be messy but your DD sounds overwhelmed rather than uncaring.

I totally get that you're frustrated but I'm not sure whether you expected a bit too much from an 11 and 4 year old (as they were at the outset) sharing a room.