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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I really need help....

27 replies

LunaLeo · 10/02/2021 16:13

Background: I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 4 years. During that time his work has been on/off, so I have been the financial stability and helped him out with bills etc. We each have children from previous relationships, none together. When he has his kids I look after them as if they are my own. During the time we’ve been together there has been allegations of an affair from his ex, which was unproven and she is now pregnant again, apparently with someone else’s baby... He was found on Instagram to be messaging women before.

He has told me he no longer uses it, but the account is still active. He refused to add me to his followers, his posts are all of him, his friends etc, no trace of me whatsoever. I’ve just recently found he is still using it. Is it completely unreasonable of me to be upset that he still, 4 years on, with all that’s been invested into our relationship... for him to refuse to have me on his social media, lie about using it, and furthermore not have a single trace of any partner on there?

I really feel in my heart there’s deceptive reasons for his behaviour, and I know without trust there is no relationship, but I would like the opinions of others to gauge whether I am actually being a psycho by letting this upset me before I confront this...

OP posts:
BoomyBooms · 10/02/2021 16:15

Sorry op I think this would bother me too. Social media is important nowadays, especially in lockdown, so it's weird that he wouldn't have you following each other and it's even stranger that nothing about your life together would appear on there.

RunningFromInsanity · 10/02/2021 16:16

He’s taking you for a ride.
He doesn’t care about you.
Don’t give him any more money.
He’s probably cheating on you.

NailsNeedDoing · 10/02/2021 16:17

You’re not being psycho, trust your instincts.

LunaLeo · 10/02/2021 16:18

You are echoing my gut feelings on this 😔
Thanks for your reply’s x

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 10/02/2021 16:19

I'm very sorry, I'm guessing that with all that’s been invested into our relationship has been mostly you doing the investing, treating his DC as if they were your own

Does he perhaps think that children are 'women's' work all round?

RedskyBynight · 10/02/2021 16:20

I couldn't care less about what my partner did on social media, but I guess the key thing is that you do care. What reason did he give for not adding you to his Instagram?

LunaLeo · 10/02/2021 16:20

I work full time, yet in his words “there are women’s jobs” which essentially means me doing everything home related, shopping, cooking, caring for kids etc....

OP posts:
LunaLeo · 10/02/2021 16:22

I couldn’t either, however due to his history of messaging other women early on I feel there should be more openness with it. There is no reason, any time it’s been discussed he says he doesn’t really ever use it and he plans on deleting it anyway.... it never gets deleted.

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 10/02/2021 16:27

If this was a friend or daughter telling you the situation, what would you say to her?

LuaDipa · 10/02/2021 16:31

@FinallyHere

I'm very sorry, I'm guessing that with all that’s been invested into our relationship has been mostly you doing the investing, treating his DC as if they were your own

Does he perhaps think that children are 'women's' work all round?

This.

Everything is coming from you, he can’t even be bothered to add you to his Instagram. You’ve given him 4 years, don’t waste any more time on him.

LunaLeo · 10/02/2021 16:34

@CoffeeBeansGalore I think I would have to say walk away 😔

OP posts:
MustDust · 10/02/2021 16:35

What are you getting out of this relationship? You deserve someone who is totally into you.

DartmoorDoughnut · 10/02/2021 16:37

Cocklodger is the term I believe

Hoppinggreen · 10/02/2021 16:39

You bring in most of the money
You do all the housework etc
You treat his kids like your own
And he hasn’t even got the decency to keep his dick in his pants, get rid

Rockettrain · 10/02/2021 16:43

So you pay his bills
Look after his kids
He messages other women
what good reason is there to stay with him?

peaceanddove · 10/02/2021 16:47

@LunaLeo

I work full time, yet in his words “there are women’s jobs” which essentially means me doing everything home related, shopping, cooking, caring for kids etc....
If he wants you to play the traditional 'woman's role' and do the women's job, then why isn't he prepared to play the traditional man's role and, you know, provide financial security for his family?

He is using you as a part cook, cleaner, child minder and cashpoint. He won't change. Leave him and never look back.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 10/02/2021 16:48

@LunaLeo I'm sorry, but you deserve better. You deserve respect. You deserve love. You won't get it with him.

pinkyredrose · 10/02/2021 16:50

I can't see anything positive about this relationship. Please don't let your daughter see that this is how women are treated.

TheyIsMyFamily · 10/02/2021 16:59

@LunaLeo

I work full time, yet in his words “there are women’s jobs” which essentially means me doing everything home related, shopping, cooking, caring for kids etc....
and yet you stay

Why?!

babbaloushka · 10/02/2021 17:20

It's very easy to erase conversations etc on Instagram, don't stand for lies. You can do so much better OP.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 10/02/2021 18:25

Are you sure his ex isn't pregnant with his baby?
Either way, get rid of him mate. He's taking the piss and you seem too kind hearted to see through it and be ruthless.

LunaLeo · 10/02/2021 18:36

@MissBaskinIfYoureNasty this has crossed my mind, I asked him and got called mental!

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Royalbloo · 10/02/2021 18:39

Oh and now gaslighting!!!

Imagine how you would feel about a man who would let you behave like this. He doesn't respect you - I'd leg it. Done.

snowydaysandholidays · 10/02/2021 18:42

Really you can do far far far better than this.

Please do not let this man take advantage of you in this way.

Regularsizedrudy · 10/02/2021 18:44

Why are you putting up with this?? It’s so depressing just reading it I can’t imagine living it. He’s not in a relationship with you. You’re a shameful secret that shags pays cook cleans cares for his kids. What the hell do you get out of this?