To ask what is the most ridiculous thing you’ve had to say because of your kids **title edited by MNHQ**

[Gingenius]

On the phone to our solicitor earlier: all very stressful trying to sort out house buying stuff. Trying to sound competent and professional until I had to mutter the immortal phrase: ‘I’m sorry I’ll have to ring you back, my toddler is stuck in a cheese grater and needs rescuing.’
FML

When I was a nanny it was

"Joshua, get your willie out of Simon's ear!" (Names changed to protect identities 😉)

Simon was an adult sitting on a computer chair, Joshua was around 2 years old standing on the chair next to Simon, naked. Obviously, the nearby ear looked the right size and shape for his willie to fit into.

When DD was around 2 years old I had picked her up from nursery, all seems normal. When we were walking to the car she starts complaining about her trousers hurting her. When I touched her trousers I could feel she's put something in her trousers legs. Turns out she's crammed her trousers full of toy cars! So anyone listening would have heard me shouting "DD your joggers are FULL of cars!"

To DS it was definitely "get your penis out of the Xmas tree!"

"No playing table tennis indoors!"

It was only after I'd said it that I remembered that until about 10 years ago table tennis was only ever played indoors. I wanted them to go and play in the park on the snazzy new all-weather tables, not make that incessant plinkety noise in my dining room!

“Please stop painting the dog with yoghurt” to a 3yr old ds1.

As a four year old I picked up some bad language from someone. On the bus home with my mum, she said to me that she hoped she wasn't going to be late getting my older brother from school. I piped up "I hope we aren't late, he'll be asking where his f*cking mummy is"

To a nurse at A&E "He licked the salt off the school playground"

School made him go to hospital. He was 11!!

"Don't put your finger up that baby's nose"
"I don't want that crisp if it's been in your bum crack thank you."

‘Stop stealing your sisters imaginary biscuit’

@Gatehouse77

When I was a nanny it was

"Joshua, get your willie out of Simon's ear!" (Names changed to protect identities 😉)

Simon was an adult sitting on a computer chair, Joshua was around 2 years old standing on the chair next to Simon, naked. Obviously, the nearby ear looked the right size and shape for his willie to fit into.

I want to know who the naked adult was while you were nannying 🙈🙈

Maybe 🤔 what the hell are you doing letting Dexter ( the dog) lick your Willy 🤦‍♀️

More recently
‘get your fingers out of your bum hole’ - to the 4 year old
‘Chickens don’t go on slides’
‘Why would you out your head near your sisters bum when she farts?’
‘How did you walk with that in your shoe!?’ (5 year old had put a tin of lip balm (the small ones from Boots etc) in his shoe and was complaining his foot hurt - I made him walk a couple of minutes to his sisters lesson as we were late before I checked what was in his shoe 😂

these are fab. Glad it’s not just me that has to do a double take at some of the things I’ve said.

Not my own child, but last year I had to utter the words "please stop licking the window" to a student (secondary school!).

I had to tell my DCs to stop fighting over a strand of my hair that they found in the back of the car.

Oh and "stop licking the baby"

I found myself shouting "We don't throw hammers" accross the garden to my 3 year old as he picked up DHs hammer he had conveniently left out for him to find

“It’s unkind to call your brother ‘a great palooka’.”

No idea where she even got it from. I think she must have been secretly watching films from the 1940s...

To the then three year old 'don't lick the back of that mans leg' shortly followed by 'I'm so sorry he licked you, he's going through a dog phase' 🤦‍♀️

Hahaha I have also had to tell my child to "stop licking the baby"
Why do they do that?!

Had to call the fire brigade and ask them to come out because my son was ‘trapped in a bench’ 😆😆 Very embarrassing when they had to come and dismantle it.

@HadEnoughOfBears I think (judging by the placement of the comma) that it was just the two year old who was naked. But maybe the PP will confirm 😆

@HadEnoughOfBears @Gingenius

Yes, it was the 2 year old who was naked!

"please don't lick the dog again"

All the licking!

Many versions of 'DS, stop sniffing/licking the cat' (DS is sensory seeking and apparently the cat smells fantastic).

'Why would you lick the car?'

'It's not a good idea to rub your face on the checkout at the best of times, but definitely not during covid'

You get the idea!

'Please take your head out of that mans bottom' after dd has mistaken man for her dad (both wearing jeans) and ran at him at full force from behind and grabbed his legs. Poor man didnt quite know what to do.