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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DM to back off?

38 replies

Streamlinerose · 10/02/2021 14:18

I am 30 and my DBrother is 35 so any parenting of under 1s was decades ago for my DM.

I’ve just had to explain that giving whole grapes, blueberries a whole strawberry and little rolled up balls of naked bar as a snack for DC is a massive choking hazard. DC is 8m old and ok with pincer movement and getting it to the mouth but has a tendency to shove more in than necessary.

She’s come back all ‘I’ve already done this twice, you haven’t’ and ‘I do know how to parent thank you.. ‘

She then went on to bounce DC on her knee whilst still eating!!!!!!! What the hell?! So I said no, stop now. Do you jump around when you’re eating or do you sit still?

‘I wouldn’t mind either way actually’

Argh I’m pulling my hair out. Everything is going to turn into a fight this way. Any DMs out there want to tell me how to approach it with zero tension?

OP posts:

SwanShaped · 10/02/2021 14:20

I know what you mean. So annoying.

Lovaduck74 · 10/02/2021 14:21

Not a DM but maybe you should show her the horror stories of 4 year olds choking on grapes... Personally, if my DM kept doing that after I had asked her not to, I would make sure that any visits were not around meal times!

ivykaty44 · 10/02/2021 14:25

Can you sit and have a frank conversation with her & explain if she continues in this way it’s going to put a strain on your relationship

Tell her you want her to be a big part of grandchild life
But you’d like her to allow you to be mum and make the decisions
Tell her what a great grandma she is and it’s going to be great her doing all the fun bits

MrsWooster · 10/02/2021 14:25

My approach was explicitly “you’ve had your go at parenting, this is mine. It WILL happen according to my principles”. I have some... issues with dm, as you can probably see!

mbosnz · 10/02/2021 14:28

When my mother got similarly pissy, and said 'I've done this before, and you all turned out alright', I said, 'that's a matter of opinion, times have changed and lessons have been learned - so less kids die now of accidents than did then'.

Snowymcsnowsony · 10/02/2021 14:28

Suggest you are getting a big pram and shoving dd down the garden for her naps from now on.
Ask your health visitor for some safety leaflets she can read through. If she won't then sadly she won't be having dd alone again. A boy very local to me choked on a grape in a pizza restaurant.. In front of his family. Including the dgm.. He died.

MumW · 10/02/2021 14:30

How about "but you haven't parented MY baby. My baby, my rules"
And, of course, there is always the "smoking wasn't considered dangerous in YOUR day but now we know better - same with grapes etc."

Whenwillow · 10/02/2021 14:31

Just to say, my kids are in their early 30s and I didn't go around giving them whole grapes and strawberries. Nor did I bounce them about while they were eating. It wasn't the norm.
Sorry she's being a pita x

InkyPinkyPonky95 · 10/02/2021 14:33

Tell her if she cant use common sense and safety when interacting with the baby then she wont get to hold it at all! What a nutter bouncing it around while it's eating! I'd never trust her to look after the baby alone!!

FuckyouCovid21 · 10/02/2021 14:34

"You've had your turn and you're not his parent, this is my child and I will parent how I see fit".

If she gets the arse then so be it, a bit of peace for you

Whenwillow · 10/02/2021 14:35

Nor was smoking considered OK MumW!
It was a generation before that one that tended not to consider the dangers of smoking - I'm in my 50s and mum smoked while she was pregnant. She says it didn't do me any harm but I was a week early and weighed 5lb. Many of my friends of a similar age grew up in very smokey households.

Mumdiva99 · 10/02/2021 14:40

I actually think that you have to reason with her. Explain that she bought you up to be educated and make great decisions based on all information available to you. Jist as she would agree there is no way your child should travel I'm a car unrestrained (unlike some kids when we were little....maybe include the fact that now seatbelts are law for adults too...which we all agree with)....so there have been other developments in parenting and you can only make your choices based on the latest information....and x y z are how you would like to proceed.

Imloosingmyshit · 10/02/2021 14:50

Show her some online horror stories of kids choking on grapes that aren’t cut up. Then say I wouldn’t deliberately do something to harm my children and it’s reasonable to ask you not to, don’t you think? Or words to that effect.....

Holly60 · 10/02/2021 15:00

I’m a DM and a DGM and I think the point is that this is YOUR baby not your mum’s. Therefore even if she thinks it’s silly, she should do whatever you want her to. Maybe see if you can remind her of what it was like as a new mum with everyone chipping in with their own way of doing it. Remind her perhaps that just because her mum might have put brandy in the milk to get the baby to sleep, your mum wouldn’t have been ok if her mum had done it with you (just an example so feel free to pick your own)

It might be that her remark was just embarrassment at not knowing the latest info, so be gentle with her and only say something if she has persists. Best case scenario is you will find her furtively cutting up the grapes next time she has baby

LookItsMeAgain · 10/02/2021 15:07

I'd come back with "And when you were a parent of a 1 year old (or whatever age), the authorities thought that wearing seatbelts in cars wasn't necessary. Times change. We learn, we improve, we adapt. If you keep doing this, I will be left with no option but to remove DS from you, and you will no longer be allowed to feed DS until he is much, much bigger", all while going and removing the food from DS's hands and removing him from her.
If she keeps doing it (and it sounds like she is a repeat offender for doing this) you have to intervene for your childs safety.

Godimabitch · 10/02/2021 15:09

Ask her how she'd feel if that ball of food did get lodged in your childs airways, and you had to bang on his back and chest and call an ambulance and explain to the paramedics that she gave them a whole grape and now he can't breath. Will she sit there feeling smug that you cant tell her what to do or will she be scared and embarrassed that she's put his life at risk?
It's common knowledge, she can ask her doctor what they think if she doesn't believe you know better than her but you absolutely need to put your foot down.

MaxRushden · 10/02/2021 15:12

www.milliestrust.com/

Millie's Trust is a fabulous charity set up to warn of the dangers of choking, sadly from experience.

smoothchange · 10/02/2021 15:19

She’s come back all ‘I’ve already done this twice, you haven’t’ and ‘I do know how to parent thank you.. ‘

'I'm doing it now, you are not'

If she won't respond to a sensible conversation regarding respect then avoid.

smoothchange · 10/02/2021 15:20

I mean avoid her not avoid the conversation

Angeldust2810 · 10/02/2021 15:24

She does not know how to parent your baby. The subject is not up for debate. Your baby, your rules. If she doesn't like it, the door is that way.

Hilarias · 10/02/2021 16:09

Common sense can go out the window when people become grandparents I think. My own DM wouldn’t dream of driving without her seatbelt on but happily suggested that our 10 month old DC sit on my lap for a 40 minute taxi ride to the airport when no taxis with child seats were available (“But it’s perfectly legal!” ). I’m looking forward to being that relaxed about my own grandchildren! I’ve also had various battles about food etc. It definitely gets better as the children get older (or DGMs see that you can actually parent quite well or you get more chilled out ).

Ihatesandwiches · 10/02/2021 16:18

DC was a massive choker. Both sets of grandparents thought I was being hysterical until they witnessed it. After that, they went with smooth soup every time they babysat until she was about 8! Ice cream for pudding. DC still calls heinz tomato soup and vanilla ice cream 'grandma food'. Definitely show her the mollies trust website.

Whywonttheyhelpme · 10/02/2021 16:22

Parents balanced their baby’s carrycot on the backseat of the car when she was the parent.

Things change and you are bringing your baby up using the most current and up to date advice. If she cannot respect your wishes she doesn’t get your trust and cannot have baby alone.

Although no matter what she says now, I would still be very reluctant to leave baby with her until you are completely satisfied she will not go behind your back.

unmarkedbythat · 10/02/2021 16:23

Argh! I used to tell my DM when I had ds1 and she was very overbearing that if she wanted to parent again she would need to have another baby; this was my baby and I would parent him the way I saw fit.

Somethingsnappy · 10/02/2021 17:14

The line 'but I did it this way and you turned out OK' drives me up the wall. But there have been some excellent suggestions on a suitable comeback for this!

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