To tell DM to back off?

[Streamlinerose]

I am 30 and my DBrother is 35 so any parenting of under 1s was decades ago for my DM.

I’ve just had to explain that giving whole grapes, blueberries a whole strawberry and little rolled up balls of naked bar as a snack for DC is a massive choking hazard. DC is 8m old and ok with pincer movement and getting it to the mouth but has a tendency to shove more in than necessary.

She’s come back all ‘I’ve already done this twice, you haven’t’ and ‘I do know how to parent thank you.. ‘

She then went on to bounce DC on her knee whilst still eating!!!!!!! What the hell?! So I said no, stop now. Do you jump around when you’re eating or do you sit still?

‘I wouldn’t mind either way actually’

Argh I’m pulling my hair out. Everything is going to turn into a fight this way. Any DMs out there want to tell me how to approach it with zero tension?

Thanks everyone, some good suggestions. I like @Holly60 take and she may feel she doesn’t know now and it trying to protect herself maybe(?).

I’m not sure I want to go down the gentle route with no confrontation now. The lastest one today is ‘I didn’t nap you or DBrother, I don’t know why you try and force him to sleep’ ‘he looks happy to me’

He’s totally over stimulated and frantic, sweaty palms, crying them laughing then back to crying. I don’t force him to sleep, I just create a calm relaxed environment at the appropriate wake window time and see if he’ll drop off.. usually does or not long after. Grr. Is there a possibility DM has forgotten LOTS of parts of being a parent? Was that a thing back then? Not napping and just taking your child to exhaustion?

Her babies didn't nap 😂 I suggest you as if she has dementia!

You probably stuck in the pram after a feed and left to go to sleep.

Please don't give your mum such judgy comments.
Parenting fashions change every few years according to the latest fashion. Alas , real parenting changes with each generation.
Just gently mention why round foods need to be cut up. No need to make a deal out of it.
Maybe say, "my health visitor mentioned that..."
Please don't make grandparents feel like failures when they did actually cope.

My DM and MIL are the same about naps and awake windows. My DD can be staring off into the distance, avoiding eye contact and flailing about frantically and they act shocked when I say it’s time for a nap.

I cannot imagine being so defensive and resistant to changing safety recommendations as an older adult. Obviously the majority of kids who eat whole grapes are fine but on the basis that my child might be one of the few who choke, I don’t want to take that risk. That’s my call to make as the parent. My mum asked me the other day when she can have DD ‘to stay on her own’... umm never?

My dm can be a bit of a nightmare but between us kids we have managed to get her to accept that certain practices and advice have changed. It took a few conversations (and a major row in one instance regarding a child's food allergy - she wasn't accepting the seriousness of it and the child concerned's parent resorted to showing mum photos of the hives child had with their 2nd reaction, the photos were taken for the parent to show the other parent - who was also being an arse over the allergy!) This parent also very clearly said to mum either she followed the strict guidance on avoiding the allergen or she wouldn't be seeing much of said child!

Sometimes you have to take a hard line.

Agree too that pointing out that other things (smoking, car seats, design of play parks) were VERY differently handled back in the day and now we know better...

Btw I am speaking as someone who is probably closer in age to your mum than you, my dd (20 this week! Eek!) isn't a mum yet but I hope when she is I will listen and learn the new rules and enact them if/when she does become a mum

Actually thinking about it I was babysitting/nannying when your mum had toddlers and I remember even then this was the advice so I don't think she's even right in saying that.

The battle I had with my mum was her smoking in MY home (I'm a non smoker I've never smoked and I have asthma which is very likely due to having been raised in a smoke filled house!) I've never allowed smoking in my home, why she thought this would change and I'd allow it after having dd goodness only knows! Much discussion on cot death etc was necessary. She tried the "ill only smoke at the open door/window" nonsense too and thought I was most unreasonable when I said that was pretty much pointless

Wow! She's coming out with some crackers! MY GRANDMOTHERS (one of whom would be 101 now!) certainly put their dc down for naps as did my mother (mid 70's) and I did with dd.

She's just talking nonsense now!

I would be tempted to hand her your overtired dc and go shopping...

Stupid woman. Your baby your rules.

I’m a dgm and my 2 adult dc are similar ages to you and they certainly had naps.

As for grapes ask your dm if she would give a boiled sweet to a small dc because a grape is no different as regards choking.

Why do you allow her this level of involvement?

'Rules and recommendations have changed in the last 30 years. We know better now. Fewer DCs are dying when the guidelines are followed. Surely you don't have a problem with that?'
Sadly, no-one likes being told that they did something wrong. She did the best she could with the knowledge she had available at the time. But now we know more.

don't make grandparents feel like failures when they did actually cope

Not all of them.. sadly.. hence the new regulations/advice. It’s terribly sad but on the back of others’ failures we can do/know better today.

@Meowtha that’s just her version of a conversation since I’ve had DC.

@1Morewineplease

Please don't give your mum such judgy comments. Parenting fashions change every few years according to the latest fashion. Alas , real parenting changes with each generation. Just gently mention why round foods need to be cut up. No need to make a deal out of it. Maybe say, "my health visitor mentioned that..." Please don't make grandparents feel like failures when they did actually cope.

Or, her mum could not make such silly comments herself. Not try and insist that out of date advice should be adhered to simply because her own children survived it. Not need to have someone pussy footing around making gentle comments in case being told she is endangering her child upsets her. Listen the first time she is asked not to do something and not do the "I have done this before, you haven't" thing. Respect that her daughter is an adult and a parent and not make her feel like she is doing something wrong. Not cause an additional stress and source of upset.

What did you do op?