Desperately want a child (TTC@37)

[Heartbreakkid]

Hi All,

First time poster - please be gentle.

Ok so I've been with my SO for 7 years, we are engaged and have been TTC for over 2 years. It turned out I was not releasing an egg and have been put on meds to do so.

Anyway my SO had a complete breakdown in November. I mean he fell apart. He is on anti-depressants and going to counselling and he is back to himself. However he says now is not ready to TTC. I am 37 (nearly 38) and he is 39.

This is putting an enormous strain on us. My heart is broken in two. I don't know when he will be "ready" and it's too late for me to be "ok" with this.

I go to work and cry at my desk. My anxiety is so high physically I feel like my heart is being squeezed. I do love him and I think we are great for each other but I can't wait for this. It's all too much. If not now when. I can't NOT have a child I just can't, I've wanted a child since I was 7 years old.

I am being unreasonable? Or just impatient?

I’m so sorry, OP. I’ve got no advice, but huge sympathies for you. It must be absolutely crushing. And no, YADNBU to feel so disappointed and confused. I really hope things resolve in a way that works for you both x

I’m so sorry to hear this. Yanbu but neither is he. Hope it all works out for you

I don't have any advice. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I don't want to tell you to end a relationship. I don't know what the best move for you is.

I will say at 37 I don't think you're being impatient.

Being blunt it's time to make a big decision.

I can empathise, DH and I TTC for 9 years. When we got to about year 6 DH had some serious anxiety issues, and although we were still TTC, our sex life took a complete nose dive and conceiving would have been a miracle! Every month I knew that we'd done nothing around ovulation time and every month I felt a bit of resentment at another wasted month.

Long story short, I got to 40 and decided that I couldn't carry on living my life in this cycle. I was the one who actually decided to stop TTC, my DH took some time to come to terms with it.
We had to have some very honest conversations about our future. We decided we would rather be together childless that go our separate ways (I told him I wouldn't resent him if he wanted to go and find someone to start a family with).

For a woman the biological clock is a real thing. If you don't make the decision now, you may never have the child you want. So either he needs to get on board with TTC, or you need to accept that it probably won't happen with him but you can live with that to keep your relationship, or you need to end the relationship now and figure out how you're going to have a child.

What you can't do is force him into having a child when he doesn't want one.

Thank you all for replying. Boy I thought a spouse being depressed put an enormous strain on a relationship, (which it does and God bless anyone who has to go through it). It's like we had to learn to love each other again because during the build up of the depression it's like that person that you love goes away and you go into a state of mourning because that person is gone.

But things, relationship wise are going so well for us. We are also in couples counselling to keep communication open. I just need to know when is this going to start. I can't mess around with this.

Hi ANL,

As awful as this sounds if he can't get his stuff together I have to go and do it alone. I just can't not have a child. That is my bottom line. I have made this clear to him, he has to decide quickly.

Completely understand what you're saying, you do mourn for the person they were before the depression, it is very hard, sending virtual hugs and support x

It might sound harsh against him, but you can’t wait. You’ve already been delayed due to medical issues.

@anotherlongwalk is right. Your options are:

So either he needs to get on board with TTC, or you need to accept that it probably won't happen with him but you can live with that to keep your relationship, or you need to end the relationship now and figure out how you're going to have a child

You don't sound awful at all. What would be awful would be for you to do nothing, spend the next 6 months / year hoping he changes his mind, he doesn't change his mind leaving you with no child and resentment in the relationship.

TTC when there are fertility issues can tear a relationship apart on its own. Add into that one party not wanting to TTC is only going to make it worse.

What I can say from my experience, once we decided to stay together, childless, we mourned for the child that we will never have, but our relationship is now stronger than ever, because we went through so much together, and ended up on the same page that we would rather be together even if it meant no child. But the important thing was that we made that decision together. Neither of us tried to make the other do something they didn't want to.

There’s always reasons to delay TTC and there’s never a perfect time. If his mental health is back on track he needs to commit or give you a timescale and explain his reasonings, then it will be your decision of you’re happy to accept that.

At 37 in your position I would be looking at going it alone, with a SD if necessary. I wouldn't not have children for any man. If I knew I really wanted them. The love does not compare.

Too many women I know have waited and waited for their partner to be 'ready' and it hasn't worked out (in one case they decided not to have kids because he wasn't keen, then he changed his mind, upped and left to find someone who could give him babies, after wife was 42. My friend's had a really rough time coming to terms with this).

If we did have to go our separate ways I would do IVF from a donor. I have an extremely tight family and I know they would support me. I do have epilepsy though and that is also a worry a single mum with a potential to have seizures is also a worry. But if it has to go that way then it has to go that way.

ANL you have made an amazing decision to stop TTC. I think that is just so strong of you both and a true testament to a committed couple. I am certain that wasn't easy.

I do need to work to a timescale. I just can't not have a child and while there are benefits to that - freedom, money, etc. I would resent him forever for it and we would end anyway.

Ugh, I hate the thought of it, us being over. He's my best friend and I know he will make an unreal father, you should see him with my nephew, everyone says he's just amazing.

I do believe he thinks that if we have a child and then things fall apart then we have a small child with a split household. But on the other hand I can't hang on because of his fears and if he believes we will break-up then I'm wasting my time.

This is so hard OP. Is it a coincidence that whatever his issues are have led to a breakdown at this point in his life (ie TTC)? I ask because it may(or may not) be that he spends a long time coming to terms with whatever issues related to his own childhood before he can be ready to be a parent himself, meanwhile you miss the boat.

This is the thing. I do think he does have issues from childhood. It's been hinted at by him but I know that he's dealing with that in his own counselling sessions and I could never pry. He has had anxiety for years. I have said it to him many times but he has always brushed it off as nothing and now at the age of 39 he's finally dealing with it.

I have said to him it is a serious coincidence that we buy a house, are getting married and TTC and in the midst of all this he has a breakdown. I do believe he finds it difficult to take on REAL life and serious responsibilities.

Oh it may sound so selfish. It's like saying I love you, I care about you, I want the best for you but it's time now, if you want to be a father and remain with me. It has to be now.

There's nothing wrong in feeling aggrieved here. It is just really sad that he needed this to happen to face the issues and would have been better for your relationship if something had triggered his breakdown 5 years ago. He'd either be in a positive place now or you'd have split and be with someone else potentially. It's just sad no-ones fault is what I'm trying to say.

I know I totally get what you're saying. We joke and say why couldn't you have your breakdown 10 years ago, you would be over it now. Unfortunately it didn't...(not that I would wish a breakdown on anyone anyway).

It's just so up in the air. Do I wait?? if so is it going to be 2 months, 6 months, where is the cut off? Is it fair to say I'll wait 4 months and if you are not ready then I'm gone? I believe he has issues of putting his heart 100% into a relationship and trusting that it will work. But if I say I am going to leave if you are unable to give me this it's fulfilling the prophecy that I will leave and the belief that he has that things won't work out will have been confirmed.... arrrgh!

Hi OP.

I hope you’re doing ok; this sounds like a heartbreaking situation. There are specific fertility and relationship boards here, so you may get more specialised help on those.

On your relationship- it’s so hard to know what to do. I really would urge against walking away from a good relationship with a man you love though; good relationships do not grow on trees, and I wouldn’t want to TTC with a man I hadn’t known very long either - that’s fraught with risk.

There’s the option of sperm donation, but that has its own life long consequences, and I’d suggest counselling on that topic before going down that road.

I know you’re on meds for your fertility, but has your fertility been screened? Eg, what if you broke up with your OH, then couldn’t conceive anyway with someone else, you would have lost your relationship and still not had a baby.

I know several friends who’ve successfully conceived in late 30s/early 40s with no problems.

In your situation I’d get plenty of rest and exercise, eat healthily, stop drinking or smoking (if you do) and stop TTC for 6 months. Give OH time to recover, then pick up the conversation with him in late summer when lockdown is over and things look better all round.

Don’t do anything rash.

Hi, sorry you're both having a terrible time. Neither of you are being unreasonable here.
I wouldn't make any rash decisions here. I don't want to sound like a cow, but it's not a given that, if you leave him, that you will find someone else to start a relationship with anytime soon. It took me 37 years to find the love of my life. I haven't been in love before. It could be another 37 years before I find someone i love as much.
As well as that, you would have to date, get to know each other, move in together etc before you have children. This could take years, unless you're planning on going it alone. Plus the older we get, the less chance of finding an older man who wants to start a new family later in life.

Your OH needs time to recover and chances are it won't take as long as trying to find someone new to have it all with. Stop trying to conceive and relax a bit. Approach the topic in 6 months or so.

I'll wait 4 months and if you are not ready then I'm gone?

I don’t think I’d do that. I wouldn’t want someone to do something with me because of an ultimatum, and it’d stand a big chance of backfiring from you’ve said about him anyway.

What is his position right now? That he wants a baby and some point, but not now? Or that he isn’t sure if he wants kids, or if your relationship will cope with them? They are three very different things. To be honest, I think you’ll know your answer from that... there’s little chance of any of those things changing substantially in six months.

I feel for you; massively. I was where you are, although thankfully at 25. I’m so glad I didn’t wait around for him. He said the right things and was great with friends babies, but he was putting on a really good show. I couldn’t see it until years after I left.

If he’s having counselling would he consider a joint session where you can discuss this with a third party and come to some agreements in terms of what is reasonable? I’d be prepared to wait for, say, 3 months for him to decide what he wants.

Is he also wanting to put your house buying and wedding planning on hold? For someone with issues that is a lot to be doing all at once. Obviously TTC is more time critical than the other options.

Good luck. I would give it some time but not too much. He can still take some responsibility here.

OP im sorry.

Have you given your OH a chance to see he may lose you if he refuses to have children?

What an awful situation. If you cant go without children, (i couldnt have) then you could look into going alone. I know its easy to say, as not only are you grieving for the children you may not have, but also the potential end of your relationship.

If i had to choose between my children and my OH they would win, in a heartbeat.

Take it easy on yourself. Is there anyone at work you trust that you can tell?

My heart goes out to you OP, this is so difficult. I am not sure what to advise because I know it's not easy to leave an otherwise good relationship. And going it alone is a brave move. However I also felt like you (definitely wanted children) and there's no way I would have given that up because a 40 year old man "wasn't ready". You bet he won't be having a breakdown when his next gf (in her 20s) wants to get pregnant.

Call me cynical but men will say literally anything to get you to stay with them but avoid committing. They'd happily have a breakdown. My ex faked being an alcoholic!

You say a few times, I just can't not have a child

How much pressure are you putting on yourself and him?

You may not be able to have a child, even with IVF, egg donation, you may not be able to have a child.

Are you both accessing counselling?

I think 6 months is reasonable to wait and then talk properly especially if he is having counselling sessions. Sometimes men are terrified at the thought of children and then once they are here everything is fine. Personally I would look at doing ivf with donor sperm privately to get a look at costs and whether it is possible, I know clinics also offer testing to make sure you would be suitable. If in 6 months he’s still backing out then atleast you have the options to fall back onto. Good luck

I really disagree with a lot of the posters. I think you need to be honest with yourself about the facts here. You are nearly 38 with known fertility issues living with a man who has told you he does not want to TTC with you. Believe him. Don’t waste any more of your precious time. If you do I think it’s very likely you will miss the boat entirely, please take control of your own happiness and future, don’t put it in someone else’s hands. Yes you will be sad to split but there are other men (if you want one) there will not be other children if you leave it too long. I know many women who did and deeply regret it.