Desperately want a child (TTC@37)

[Heartbreakkid]

Hi All,

First time poster - please be gentle.

Ok so I've been with my SO for 7 years, we are engaged and have been TTC for over 2 years. It turned out I was not releasing an egg and have been put on meds to do so.

Anyway my SO had a complete breakdown in November. I mean he fell apart. He is on anti-depressants and going to counselling and he is back to himself. However he says now is not ready to TTC. I am 37 (nearly 38) and he is 39.

This is putting an enormous strain on us. My heart is broken in two. I don't know when he will be "ready" and it's too late for me to be "ok" with this.

I go to work and cry at my desk. My anxiety is so high physically I feel like my heart is being squeezed. I do love him and I think we are great for each other but I can't wait for this. It's all too much. If not now when. I can't NOT have a child I just can't, I've wanted a child since I was 7 years old.

I am being unreasonable? Or just impatient?

This is so hard.

It's easy to say just ditch him and move on with your plans on your own but this is a long-term and presumably much-loved partner we're talking about here.

I don't think I could walk away from my partner under these circumstances, unless it had been ongoing for a while. I think it would be quite harsh to not at least give him a couple of months to adjust and potentially feel more able to continue with TTC.

However, in the mean time I would definitely have a serious conversation about how you want to give him some time to sort his head out, but that you still desperately want a child and if it's something that he still isn't ready for down the road then you will to make moves to do it alone. And he can either support you in that or not.

I'd probably have a deadline in my own head, but not let him know otherwise it will just pile the pressure on.

If you hang on and hang on and never have a child the relationship would fail anyway because you would resent him.

I honestly with my whole heart believe he wants children. I have asked him several times to just be honest and fair and that I would never try and force children on someone who didn't want them. Hand on heart he has always said he wants to be a Dad and have children with me.

He really is a good guy and would never BS me or anyone around. He's got so many amazing qualities, he's chilled, not showy, fun, doesn't ask much, and people are genuinely naturally drawn to him.

I try not to talk about ttc too much with him because we know it's there and he already knows how important it is. Sometimes I can't help myself though and that can't be helping him and what he is going through. He has said he is so sorry and knows that time is a factor here and that I have been so patient and that he will get there. He has seen my tears with another missed month and my little sister is pregnant now too (which happened the first month of trying to add to the stress). Sometimes the emotions get so overwhelming though and the panic, anxiety, anger, frustration, resentment, etc.

We are in couples counselling, learning how to communicate and understand effectively. Which definitely has its benefits and has helped.

Logically I think - this guy is a recovering alcoholic and has given up alcohol and goes to his meetings, has had a breakdown and goes to counselling and takes anti depressants and goes to couples counselling. Given everything he has been through he is doing everything possible to get things right.

I need to figure out how to handle this, support him and hold on to my emotional sanity.

I just can't not have a child...

It sucks, but you may have to deal with not having one. Not everyone gets what they want, unfortunately.

@Heartbreakkid , reading your last post I think you should definitely give him a little bit of time as you clearly love him and want to have this child with him.

I'd say since you've been TTC for 2 years he seems to genuinely want to have a baby with you.

I would give him a couple of months without bringing it up and then check in again.

Would he want to stay together if you went down the SD route?

Even with all his great traits, the relationship sounds like quite a strain on you, tbh. To have been together 7 years, no DC yet and already in couples counselling. With the added issues too.

Really, I wouldn't even wait another month let alone several months. You just don't have the time to waste.

You either stay with your DP even if that means no child or you break up and go it alone. If you do IVF there's no guarantee - some women have 4/5 or more failed attempts and never conceive. If that happened, you will be alone with no GB and no child. I know how painful it is, I couldn't have children but you can still have a happy and fulfilling life.

It must be hard not to discuss it with your DP as no doubt this is the primary thing on your mind 24/7 but I wouldn't mention it for a couple of months and then have the talk.

It is a bit of a coincidence, isn't it.

I wouldn't wait at all and I have a sneaking suspicion that if he knew you were 100% on walking away or going for it with a donor then he would shape up pretty quickly rather than wanting to face being single.

I would tell him that I am looking into sperm donation and egg freezing and START DOING IT.

It sounds as if you've supported him through alcoholism, depression and all the rest and as soon as, as you say, things start moving forward - nope.

You simply don't have time to waste. At all.

I would be saying to him that you are absolutely there for him, you completely support his need to focus on himself but that you need to do the same for you. If the end result of that is that you remain in a relationship but you have a baby with donor sperm then that is what your reality will be.

This is such a tough one and I really feel for you. Time is not on your side here and it almost seems like you need to make a decision now. In 3 months will he be likely to do a sudden turn around and be prepared to start ttc?
Its your desire to be a mum, you will resent him anyway if that chance is taken away.
If he can't cope with real life and commitment then he will never cope with being a parent.
Buying a home is a good thing, but contributes to a breakdown?
Saying wanting to have a chance and actually proceeding with that are two different things.
He also acknowledges time is running out for you but isn't doing anything about it- whether giving you a timeline or plan for the future. He's just saying the things you want to hear . I do think counselling by yourself is a good idea.

If it came to it I would invite him to stay with the donor route and I would have to leave that decision up to him, but hoping it won't come to that.

It is tough going at times alright, but there are really good things to us too. We laugh together, when it comes to my seizures he is unreal, if I need anything he's there, he's great with my friends and family, etc.

I would seriously recommend counselling to any couple, it doesn't have to be the end to do it, it could save a lot of couples before they reached the end. I can't speak for other couples and their issues obviously but I know for us when he got depressed I didn't understand it at all. And he was so closed off that he was unable to explain it at all. Counselling seriously cleaned up that fog between us - that it's not that a person with depression doesn't love their partner anymore, they don't have the ability to love anyone or anything and that the depression is causing that person who was so loveable to be like a walking dead person and people can and do recover. Thankfully he has come out of that and our bond is stronger in that regard. And I have to say I am proud of both of us for sticking through that together because as anyone who has gone through that knows how hard it is on both sides.

Being honest, I probably will give him a little more time, I believe he wants to get there. (As frustrating as it is) I do love him and don't want to lose him and I know in my heart if he can't get there or it doesn't appear that he can get there that I am strong enough to go alone. Ironically - it's the fact that I am not afraid to go alone makes me confident enough to stay and give that opportunity (wow never thought I'd come to that conclusion)

Its your desire to be a mum, you will resent him anyway if that chance is taken away.

This is so important.

There is no point sitting and waiting, and losing time - potentially losing your chance - in order to prioritise him/the relationship. Because doing that would in itself kill the relationship. The resentment would destroy it.

I would also tell him that, very clearly. That you understand his position. You support his position. You are there for him. You respect his need for things to be ok before he tries. But that unfortunately you cannot wait, for either of your sakes, and so both of you are going to have to deal with that. That the way to support him ISN'T waiting, as if you wait and lose your chance then the relationship will then be destroyed by that, and both of you - but especially you perhaps - will pay a very high price.

If he cannot commit to TTC now then you are going to look into sperm donation. That doesn't rule out him being a father figure to your child, nor does it rule out marriage and happiness.

But he needs to understand that him saying 'not yet' now means that you will start to go it alone, not that you will continue to put off TTC.

OP start the ball rolling with looking into donor sperm, because that could take time, and also freezing eggs now. And getting a look at your egg reserve.

I think you have to sit him down and tell him what you have told us - that you love him very much and want a life with him, but you want to be a Mum and that is non-negotiable. You also need to make the point that although in terms of procreation, his age is still young, you're at the tail end of your fertility lifespan. He can wait until he's 75 until he becomes a parent, you cannot. Especially not with ovulation issues. I have issues too thanks to PCOS and have several years of treatment to have my son at 37. Don't wait another second.

I’d leave. Staying with someone only if they give you what you want is wrong and he deserves the chance to find someone who wants him for him not what he can give.

Freezing eggs, particularly at the OP's age, is a waste of time. OP, if I were you, I would continue on your fertility journey. That may include your partner's sperm or it may not.

What's the timing between you going onto meds to help your fertility improve and him having a breakdown/deciding he no longer wants to ttc?

Do you think the two are related?

I'm going to be brutal here, if you have fertility issues, you can't afford to wait at your age for your partner to come round to the idea. Do you know what the ivf protocol is in your nhs trust? How much can you afford to spend?

Honestly, I don't think he wants children.

@Brieminewine

There’s always reasons to delay TTC and there’s never a perfect time. If his mental health is back on track he needs to commit or give you a timescale and explain his reasonings, then it will be your decision of you’re happy to accept that.

Completely agree. That would be the reasonable conversation to have. Good luck op.

At 38,with fertility issues and a reluctant partner, it's very unlikely to happen. He can change his mind in 10 years and gave many kids with younger women, you can't.

So we just had our couselling session. Before it he said he is so close to wanting to try again he just wants to make sure that we have the strongest foundation before we bring a life into the world.

Our counsellor advised us that we should sit down and negotiate a timeline for this starting cos I can't be held in limbo and he really does want this.

So we have agreed to start next cycle. Which is 4 weeks away. Meanwhile we get to continue with counselling to strengthen our connection. Which he seems really happy about.

I think that is a positive result.

That is a really positive result OP.

He’s committed to trying and knows there needs to be a timeline not just a “sometime in the future” answer.

I wouldn’t be surprised if there are some wobbles in the next few weeks but hold firm, try not to let your emotions overtake you or make you start to apply undue pressure on him.
He has agreed it so now take your foot off the gas and let him process and work it through in his own head.

For those saying you don’t have time to wait for him.... if you leave and want to go down the donor route then you are looking at what, potentially months before you are emotionally stable to go through IVF. You can’t just break up with a partner Monday and rock up for IVF the Tuesday....

So even giving him some time doesn’t really take away your time for doing it on your own. Private clinics will treat up to 45 years usually.
I’m not saying therefore don’t worry about time - but doing it with him or doing it without him may take the same time scale anyway.

I agree that you can’t wait around forever but that sense of absolute urgency cannot be fulfilled by either of the paths.

Believe me I totally understand, I TTC for 2 years before partner got cold feet, we back and forthed for a year before eventually splitting up. I was 36.

By 38 id met my DP and was pregnant.

Lots of women will understand the urgency but you can’t let that be the only driving factor in your decisions!

Good luck

Wow thank you. You've been through the mill. I am so glad to hear that it went so well for you in the end because I know how painful and disappointing TTC with no results is and then breaking up with someone you loved that is hard. Im so glad you found your hubby and have your baby

I do have to take the foot off the gas now and just trust that this will happen and enjoy our relationship. Hopefully these pills will help me with the ttc if not we had already decided on IVF.

Ahh thats a really lovely update, OP! And some great advice from 2020.

I hope it all goes well for you both

Thanks so much. Hopefully it goes well.

Thank you so much for everyone who replied. It means a lot.