AIBU?
Over a pot of yogurt?
IdreamofClooney · 01/11/2007 14:09
My Ex looks after DS two afternoons a week.
On those two afternoons I ensure that DS's bag is fully packed with nappies, wipes, spare clothes, books toys etc.
Ex also expects me to provide a packed lunch for DS.
On several occassions he has returned the lunch bag complete with half eaten contents inside it so I have to deal with a decomposing sandwich (left loose in bag, not put back into the box it was in) a half eaten apple and worst of all a half eaten yogurt so that the bag is covered in warm yogurt.
I've mentioned to Ex several times that he should put any uneaten things into the bin, rather than back in the bag. I had to throw out the previous bag as it got so minging.
I got back last night after the day from hell at work with a cranky DS to find that once again he'd left all the crap in the lunch bag and I had to clean it up again (while trying to cook DS's dinner, unload dishwasher etc)
I sent Ex a text as was so pissed off asking him to arrange lunch for DS today as there are plenty of bins and that it was not cool to leave me to clear up the crap.
Ex turned up at my work at lunch time and left DS with me after telling me to f off and telling me how unreasonable I was and how no one can get on with me etc etc (this is especially upsetting as I have been having a nightmare with a woman at work).
I can see that it does look petty but I am so fed up with Ex, I am exhausted and that bloody yogurt pot was just hte final straw.
Ex then turned up an hour later to take DS after saying a few more hurtful things to me.
I am really upset and need some perspective.
The whole thing is symptomatic of the relationship Ex and I have - he is lazy and tells me I am petty when I try to deal with things.
I really want to put DS into nursery full time as I cannot rely on Ex but don;t want DS to suffer
NAB3sparklesandflashes · 01/11/2007 14:11
The thing I am most shocked about is the fact your childs father can't provide a lunch for him!!
Don't send yogurt in future. It isn't worth it when he chooses to ignore your wishes.
DS won't suffer if he goes to a good nursery. He will suffer more if he picks up on the bad feeling between his parents.
glaskham · 01/11/2007 14:20
i take it ds isn't old enough to be at nursery....in nappies still?....just put it this way, if he's too lazy to put a finished lunch into the bin, how long will he leave ds in a dirty nappy? or wet pants if potty trained but has an accident....i personally would tell him you've given up on him, he has one more week to prove himself to you that he can at least bin a lunch instead of leaving you to do all the dirty work of cleaning more mess......
if he doesn't start doing what you need of him stick to your guns and take you ds to a nursery!!!
IMHO YANBU!!!!
IdreamofClooney · 01/11/2007 14:28
I am soooo releived that the consensus is that I am not being unreasonable.
Ex twists everything and makes me feel taht I am a total bitch when really I feel I am doing my best.
I have considered the plastic bag idea but I am a real eco warrier and seriously HATE plastic bags so rarely use them but agree that would be a plan - fully disposable lunch.
DS does go to nursery everyday - EX picks him up for two afternoons.
He often does not change his nappy all that time so when I get DS home at 6 his nappy is fit to burst - when I bring this up Ex asks if I never do that - I have once or twice so I cannot say I have never done it.
I am just so fed up with ex. I have to beg him for money every month and then he goes on and on about how he "gives me all his money" and he refuses to buy anythinh for DS ever as he "has no money" that was his reason for turning up at my work - he had not money to buy DS lunch so made me feel guilty for not providing lunch for him (even though I had told him last night that I was not providing lunch today)
I really need to sort out the access as I deal with EX far too much and he is such a TOSSER
Sigh
LoveMyGirls · 01/11/2007 14:28
No doubt he is being a total tosser.
He should want to spend those 2 afternoons with his son, he should not want you to be spending more money on childcare when your ds could be benefiting from you having more money in your pocket.
Why did you agree to providing a lunch in the first place? I am a childminder and I provide meals for the children I care for yet he cannot provide food for his own son? Insane!
I would send your child to someone who cares for his welfare rather than someone who is so selfish he cannot find it in himself to make a small child lunch, dumping him with you at work is unacceptable, ranting at you infront of your son and collegues is unacceptable.
Does he have a court agreement saying he can have access? If not tell HIM to fuck off until he can behave like a father. Much less stressful.
IdreamofClooney · 01/11/2007 14:36
Thanks everyone.
Ex picks up DS at nursery then basically wanders the streets with him going to the park and the museum etc as he does not have any things in his home for DS despite repeated suggestions from me that he should get some toys etc.
We do not have a court order as I wanted to keep things amicable but looking less likley by the week!
When I told him today that it was not about the bloody yogurt pot (as he just kept saying how petty I was to get this upset over a yogurt!) I tried to explain taht I was exhausted doing everything myself - he then ranted on about how he gave me money every month (true but I have to ask several times and he still owes me £500) and how he picks DS up from nursery (he has been late or not turned up on numerous occassions and I've had to deal with it while at work) so that I was lying by saying he does nothing. Apart from picking up DS from nursery and usually managing the money I ask for (which doesnt even cover half of the nursery fees) he doesn;t do anything - he is off work on hols for 10 days and yet DS is still going to nursery as Ex wouldn;t think to take him anywhere. I am sooo fed up
fawkeoff · 01/11/2007 14:43
he is being a complete wanker, how pathetic that he wont even provide a dinner for his own son.DS would be better off in a nursery than with EX, at least they provide his dinner and change his nappies.EX needs a reality check to realise that he is supposed to be a father and role model for his son
LoveMyGirls · 01/11/2007 14:45
I would say on the basis he can't be arsed to provide food or entertainment then he is better off in nursery.
It's different for me as when i had dd1 ex didnt have parental responsibility but not sure what that entitles them to anyway? I just said if he couldn't behave like a suitable father or take me to court for access then he was to stay away from us, he stalked me for a yr and I had to go to court to get an injunction - BUT it was worth it, dd1 has had a better upbringing as a result of me having the strength to keep him away. It's been 8yrs since he last saw her and I hope he never contacts us again, he certainly isnt about to take me to court to get access because that would cost him lots of money and he hasnt paid a penny yet.
He is your son and it is up to you who cares for your child, your responsibility to make sure he is properly cared for and if that means he goes to nursery full time instead then that's fair enough isnt it?
IdreamofClooney · 01/11/2007 14:51
I would far prefer if DS was in nursery full time and so that I didn;t EVER have to deal with Ex. The only reason I agree to him seeign DS as much as he does is becasue DS loves his dad so much. It does piss me off that he gets all of the fun of being a parent with no responsibiltiy - he picks up a fully dressed child, complete with fully packed bag and lunch - no sleepless nights, no cooking or shoe buying etc.
Ex has anohter child who now lives in Spain with her mother and her mother's new partner and baby so perhaps when Ex goes on about how hard I am to get on with and what an unreasonable cow I am I should remind him of that fact.
I try to be civil to him and walk away but it is so hard.
Once when we were together I actually hit him as I got so angry which I am not proud of but he really makes me so mad as thinks he is great and I am a mean bitch and as it is just the two of us with no referee or witnesses it is hard for me to stand up for mysself
IdreamofClooney · 01/11/2007 14:53
I just don't know how to get through to him that he is not the Super Dad that he thinks he is. Is so frustrating as he honestly thinks he is a great Dad as he picks up DS from nursery and looks after him for a few hours a week and gives me money - he really thinks that is it!
Sigh
HonoriaGlossop · 01/11/2007 15:01
i do think he's being pathetic. However the main issue here is that your ds is getting regular contact with his much loved dad.
I think you need to put aside your eco-warrior feelings JUST for these two occasions a week, be kind to yourself; provide a fully disposable lunch. Of course your ex should provide it but if it's going to turn into a battle and make the contact a nasty issue, then I think you have to think - is it worth fighting this issue right now? Perhaps it could go under 'annoyances to be dealt with when I'm able'.
the main thing has to be making life easier for YOU so that you can continue to promote your ds relationship with his dad.
sagitta · 01/11/2007 15:02
Has he looked after DS for a night before? Perhaps you could suggest that while on his hols he could take DS for a day and night (unless you think that would be harmful to DS). To make sure he doesn't really screw it up, maybe suggest some activities, and give some snacks just so you make sure he gets fed. Then ex might understand better what being a dad really involves - and if DS adores him, he should have fun too!
IdreamofClooney · 01/11/2007 15:16
Ex refuses to have DS overnight - when I suggested it his response was "when will I get a break"!!!! This from the Man who sleeps till noon everyday (I have to pay for nursery in the mornings as ex is incapable of getting up a collecting him in time for me to go to work)
Also he does not have anything for a child in his home (yes he does have two children) I've suggested a toddler ready bed etc but of course he has "no money" (interestingly he has plenty of money to go out drinking but that is anothe issue altogether).
I think for the time being I will just have to do the disposable plastic bag lunch idea - I can guarantee that the plastic bag will remain in DS's bag for me to throw out but at least htat is preferable to scraping warm yogurt off a thomas the tank engine lunch bag.
Sometimes I wish Ex woudl just disappear as I am so fed up with his crap
fawkeoff · 01/11/2007 15:25
you need to start being tough on him because what is going to do with ds as he grows up??? it is totally wrong for him to walk the streets with ds, he shouldbe taking him to his house and providing him with a nice warm lunch and playtime while he has him.you ds is going to suffer as he grows up because EX will not face the fact that he is a father not a babysitter
IdreamofClooney · 01/11/2007 15:48
Ex honestly thinks that he is a great Dad to DS as he sees him regularly. He does not accept the fact that aimlessly wandering the streets is not great childcare. It wasn;t so bad in the spring and summer (we only parted company in March and until I sucessfully evicted him he used my flat as his base even once we had split up) it is not going to be fun in the middle of the winter.
I;ve suggested various activities - soft play, children;s library, gym classes etc etc but he just refuses point blank - library is "boring", hate classses etc etc not to mention the reliable excuse of having no money as, of course, he's given it all to me.
He does indeed cause me nothing but stress and everytime I beign to think "oh he's not that bad" he does something else that reminds me of what a total and utter twunt he really is.
One of my friends asked me if I would be upset if I found out he had a new woman - upset? Good luck to her is what I would say, any woman is welcome to him with his lazy, borderline alcholic, completely unreliable and financially unstable life
Ahhhhhhh feel better after my rant!
FireworksInMyLuckyUnderpants · 01/11/2007 15:51
send him an email(or letter) suggesting he has DS overnight at least twice a month and also put (nicely) any other issues you have such as him providing lunch (dont ask him to provide it, tell him he has too) that way if things ever get messy (and he gets on his high horse about parental rights) you can at least prove that you tried to be reasonable with him and tried to get him to take on more responsibility, also he cannot argue with an email, just do all of your corrispondense with him that way.
3Ddonut · 01/11/2007 16:01
I'm sorry to hear that you're having to put up with all this shite, everyones responses are great but I would just like to add one thing. DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO MESS WITH YOUR MIND. How dare he tell you that no-one can get on with you? He is a twunt (as well you know) and you sound like a very pleasant and sensible lady so please don't allow him to try to knock you in this way, it's really a form of abuse. Good luck to you and your little boy.
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