Would you consider this damaging to a child?

[DrinkingAllTheCoffee]

I grew up with my grandparents. My grandfather didn't seem to like me much a lot of the time, had terrifying rages when I was very young and then mostly a sort of very faint contempt. Later at about 14 I asked him if he loved me like his daughters and he said no. I knew anyway.

But was very good in many ways, providing a nice home, good education, spent hours driving me to faraway school come rain hail or shine. I had a serious illness as a child and sometimes he could be great, but others he would shout at me to stop crying on the way to the hospital.

I don't usually think of it much nowadays, but feel a bit low with mental health at the moment. I have a harsh inner critic that is very savage towards myself at times, and I think it stems from my grandfather's attitude. I look at young kids sometimes and can't imagine how an adult could be cold or contemptuous towards them - it upsets me.

AIBU? Am I being a bit of a princess here?

How was he with your parents? Could it be that you reminded him of one or both of that and he found those feelings difficult to overcome?

Not that it excuses it.

It’s emotional abuse

Have you been on the stately homes threads?

Yes of course it's damaging. A similar scenario left me with complex PTSD and a lifetime on anti-psychotic drugs.

Yup, that's abuse. Sorry OP.

No definitely not being a princess at all, you was young and scared. I wonder when I hear stories like this why people take other family members in if they are not doing it whole hearted. He does sound like he tried to the best of his ability however he himself obviously struggled as well. However what he said about loving you was completely out of order and yes that is quite harmful to a child. Even if he didnt he should have lied as he took the responsibility on not you. Lots are struggling at the moment with mental health, please try not to beat yourself up you did nothing wrong. xxx

Yes, I would consider it damaging. An important adult in your family, your grandparent, who you lived with told you he didn’t love you. How can that not affect you?

He was therefore you body, but not in spirit.

Yes, that's very damaging to a child. To live with one of your main caregivers and feel that they don't like you very much is certainly damaging. His behaviour sounds quite abusive to be honest. Was your grandmother around? Why did you end up with your grandparents? Have you had any kind of therapy to explore all of this. It might be a good idea.

Also, as PP said, look at the stately homes thread.

Yes - that is childhood trauma. Adult trauma is more typically one life event whilst children are traumatised from repeated events. When you were vulnerable and ill and he shouted at you instead of comforting you that was wrong. By him not correcting it made it more wrong. You were young and relying on your grandparents for care. By him not making you feel like you were wanted it was emotional abuse.

I agree with a previous poster about when you agree to care for a family member you fully commit. perhaps for your grandfather how he felt about you was tinged by events which have nothing to do with you - how you came into his care, perhaps your parents events which caused you to be in his care. For him the struggle may have been reconciling all of those. Whatever his reasons - they are not your issue and to have them affect you was wrong. He's the adult and you were the child.

It sounds like you don't feel your grandmother felt as he did - I hope she was more the support you deserved.

My grandmother was incredible. Very loving. So I guess I feel like that should be enough? To cancel out the hurtful relationship with him? But it doesn't seem to have worked like that.

He loved my mum. None of us had a relationship with my sperm donor 'father'. I met him first in my teens and tried to get to know him, but although he started sending me the odd birthday card he otherwise was not interested in a relationship with me.

And my grandfather very much supported my mother when she fell pregnant and when she had a new baby.

So it's stupid but it feels like it must have been something about me in particular, my personality, that he could not warm to. I still feel a little embarrassed by this but only a little. It was a very strong feeling of shame when a teenager and young adult.

Thank you for discussing this with me it is helping me kind of unwind some stuff.

Yes - emotional abuse, but doing practical things for you is simply that - taking practical care as a 'responsibility' with no emotional input. Sometimes if you resemble the person they dislike - you remind them of that and you get the 'brunt of it'.
Don't let it plague your life.
Their issue - not yours, don't absorb their 'fault'.

It would be considered emotionally abusive. I'm surprised that he couldn't tell you a white lie about loving you and I'd be wondering if he loved his children? Telling you to stop crying on the way to hospital is heartbreaking.

Don't be cruel to yourself, Op. I experienced similar and my current mental health is a result of it.
You were emotionally neglected by this man and you weren't listened to, so I'm guessing that your inner dialogue will be doing the same.
If you're looking for some healing, Tara Brach and her spiritual reparenting on YouTube is a good video.

It wasn't you, as in - he didn't see inside you, judge you with a totally clear eyed moral gaze and decide that you deserved to be mistreated.

You probably brought up a memory of his own failure or his own disappointment which you weren't and couldn't have known about and because he had (plenty) of his own issues, he took it out on you rather than thinking about where it came from and working through it himself.

I strongly suggest that you get some good counselling but you may also find it interesting to read something like Homecoming by John Bradshaw.

Aw that sounds really hurtful and these things stay with us as an adult, it’s like a cut to the underbelly. Without making any excuses for him, but trying to reframe it as it’s better to have positive thoughts than negative if possible. it is likely that his love for you was different to the way he loved your mother because grandparents do have a different love. It may be that his feelings were too complex for him to articulate (men aren’t great communicators at the best of times but a generational divide can amplify that). He seems to have shown love through actions but found his feelings difficult. It may be you reminded him of your mother who he loved but who he had already raised, or that he saw the love of your grandmother and was upset that he was more conflicted. Whatever the reason, I’m sorry that you bore the brunt of it as a child.

Your self esteem is built during childhood and part of that is based on attachments with those closest to you. If one of the adults who lived in your house and cared for you, openly told you that you were not loved and did not give you the care and emotional support you needed when you were ill, then yes, that will have long lasting effects. I am sorry that your grandfather could not find it in his heart to put aside whatever it was and treat you the way a child deserved to be treated. I am sorry that it left you with feelings of shame. I hope you are able to find a way to accept his wrong doing as not your fault and find strength in the lòve from your mother and grandmother.

Does anyone know what type of therapy might be good for healing this stuff?

I'm wary of just sitting there talking about it, like in counselling. I think that would make me upset. Writing about it is much easier. But there must be some kind of therapy which has more of a structure than counselling, that might help?

I echo the recommendation for John Bradshaw's homecoming. It's a good place to start. He has some questionnaires to make you think and some writing exercises that whilst they feel odd do help. I find since I started keeping an online journal that helps too. However, having said all of that it's all been done whilst seeing a psychotherapist too. In fact, Bradshaw recommends not doing his book without support.

If you do decide to see a therapist - make sure they are well qualified and registered with a professional organisation as really anyone can call themselves a counseller and you want someone who is qualified to help.

sometimes the talking does cause upset but there is healing in tears. Its a bit like a wall that you need to climb - but freedom from guilt and shame could be waiting for you on the other side.

I'm not exclusing his behaviour at all, but is it possible that he had MH issues at that time? It seems odd that he has a good relationship with your mother and was then awful to you. What is he like to his wife and others?
Sorry you had to deal with this. Totally unfair on a child and no surprise in my opinion that you're still trying to deal with it.

Do you mind me asking what happened to your mum to leave you being brought up by grandparents OP?

Asking as something similar happened to a friend whose parents died so she lived with grandparents. Grandad was loving and brilliant but grandmother always seemed annoyed by her.
In a huge argument when friend was in uni her grandmother told her she couldn't love her fully because she was scared of replacing her daughter. Was so so sad.

Not saying this is right because it isn't - you were a child and deserved unconditional love.

Also - it may be worth considering if you want to understand why he was this way or if you want to work through how it's made you feel.

My mum was just young, only just an adult. I love her and think of myself at that age and I was so immature and could not have managed a baby by myself either.

She married my step father who is a very decent bloke when I was tiny. Again, when I was a teen, I was very embarrassed because he said he something like how he would die for my mum and my little sister, but not for me - but he said he liked me loads. Which is fine, and enough really, for what the relationship was. It was the wrong place to be looking for parental love. He didn't live with me so it would never have been that sort of relationship.

It's absolutely emotional abuse, and very understandable for it to link to MH problems later in life.

EMDR is the therapy I'd look at in your situation.

So you didn't live with your mum and step dad, but instead with your grandparents?

There's quite a few books - Body keeps the Score, Inner Child Work, and then there's talking therapies - find the one that suits you the best, or use another creative outlet to work through it on your own.

Sorry you had this experience.