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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about using the term “ Tubie “ for a child with a feeding a tube.

116 replies

Iamfudgingfreezing · 09/02/2021 15:22

I know I am probably unreasonable and it’s none of my business what others call their children but I can’t help it annoying me.
My DC2 has a feeding tube ( ng and jej tube ) I get increasingly annoyed if there is a question regarding one being tagged on SM along the lines of “ oh “my name “ has a Tubie. I do not have a Tubie I have a child who has a feeding device to help maintain nutrition.
I also can not understand why any parent would call their kids a Tubie like it’s their whole identity.
Example “ my Tubie is so brave “ “ my little Tubie “

I get irrationally annoyed over it 🤣 AIBU ?

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 09/02/2021 15:24

This would drive me mental.

AStudyinPink · 09/02/2021 15:26

I don’t know how I’d feel.

Original poster
Iamfudgingfreezing · 09/02/2021 15:27

@Ohalrightthen it does I cringe every time I obviously feel worse when it’s someone falling mine “ Tubie “

However I still find the whole thing really odd.

OP posts:
HeartShapedBox · 09/02/2021 15:27

Yeah, it sounds horrible to me. As if the child is devoid of anything like personality, interests etc

I'd be commenting back, "no I don't, I have a child who has a feeding tube" or similar

JaneNorman · 09/02/2021 15:27

I can see why that would annoy you. But I guess like many things on social media it’s just shorthand? Probably nothing more meant by it.

In the same way that you can refer to your DC how you see fit, other parents can refer to their children how they like too. But you can certainly object to them using that term for your DC as well if you don’t like it.

QueenOwl · 09/02/2021 15:27

This would wind me up too.

I guess you have to step back and let people use the terms they are comfortable with though.

Gritted teeth for sure though.

Original poster
Iamfudgingfreezing · 09/02/2021 15:28

@JaneNorman I always correct them when it comes to my child and never when it’s their own child as you say they can call them what they like but I find it quite sad.
I just could never call her it.

OP posts:
AprilThe8th · 09/02/2021 15:29

A lot of people refer to their prematurely born dc as preemies.Isnt this a similar thing? It's not offensive imo.

LolaSmiles · 09/02/2021 15:29

If they're referring to their child as a tubie then that tends to be something more in relevant support groups where people feel in it together. It doesn't make it their whole identity.

It's wrong of people to use that term for your child if you don't like it though.

Original poster
Iamfudgingfreezing · 09/02/2021 15:31

@AprilThe8th I find it very offensive when someone calls her a Tubie. She is not a Tubie she has a tube.
I think it’s very wrong for someone to assume they can call someone else’s child it.
I would never tell them I don’t agree about their own child but I do correct everyone when it comes to mine.

OP posts:
iVampire · 09/02/2021 15:31

I think you’re steering the right course. Those who like the term can and indeed should use it amongst themselves. But should also understand that others hate it, and do should never use it specifically to them, and should generally be cautious about using it in wide-open spaces

Cadent · 09/02/2021 15:31

No one should refer to someone's else's child like that.

BoyTree · 09/02/2021 15:32

I suppose its the context - on a forum or in a group for parents of children with feeding tubes, I can sort of understand it because that's the shorthand that makes posts easier to understand (eg 'my tubie's 4' rather than 'my child, who has a feeding device, is 4) but it seems a bit odd to use it in general conversation. That said, you're NBU for not wanting to use the term and it's very presumptuous of anyone else to use it about your child!

Backtoreality1 · 09/02/2021 15:32

If its your child then absolutely you have every right to be upset. If it is someone calling their own child then its up to them. Not quite the same, but my mum used to hate me and my sister being called 'the twins'....she gave us our own names as we were individuals!

Original poster
Iamfudgingfreezing · 09/02/2021 15:33

Lola smiths I don’t belong to any tube feeding support groups, so it’s not based on that. I know If it was another disability ( autism / Down syndrome etc ) it would be very very disagreed about saying they are Down syndrome rather than that have Down syndrome. To me it’s no different.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 09/02/2021 15:34

Way back when, people gritted their teeth at referring to children as 'kids', television as TV air telly.
There are a whole load of words that people feel differently about.
Some people want to take the fear out of what is for them very normal, and use words like Aspie, Tubie to do it.

It can feel very stilted and formal to use 'person with impaired vision', 'child with hearing impairment' etc and in some contexts people want to make it more informal.

In fact in education/health settings we should probably say 'are you the parent/guardian/person with parental responsibility?' We tend to say 'Are you mum?' to be less intimidating.

Original poster
Iamfudgingfreezing · 09/02/2021 15:35

Yes at @iVampire that’s the issue I think it’s become more common like people I know with children who have feeding tubes might refer to them as tubies to someone who doesn’t etc which tends to be happening this week due to tube feeding awareness week. This then means that people often assume it’s ok to use the same phrases for other children and it really is not ok IMO.

OP posts:
drspouse · 09/02/2021 15:36

My DS has ADHD and he's my child with ADHD not my ADHD-er.

Original poster
Iamfudgingfreezing · 09/02/2021 15:36

@picklemewalnuts but surely that would be
More like

She has a Tubie rather then she IS a Tubie ?

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 09/02/2021 15:36

It absolutely wouldn’t be wrong to use the term autistic rather than person with autism. Many actively prefer this in fact, and the term autie is increasingly common too.

If people find it helpful to use this term about their child then that’s their business.

Love51 · 09/02/2021 15:39

It is a bit like Aspie and Preemie. I think it is people's way of coming to terms with things that they hadn't planned for.
It will be more in your face this week as it is feeding tube awareness week.
I don't have a problem with calling the tube "tubie" as that's just personification and kids seem to get something out of that.
I wouldn't call a child "tubie" - do parents do it to protect their child's privacy on social media? It's like referring to your child with asthma as wheezy or inhalery or a person who has diabeties as jabby.

Original poster
Iamfudgingfreezing · 09/02/2021 15:39

Ok so “ Bob is autistic “

Bob Is a Tubie ( tube is a device not a condition ) she is not a long flexi device 🤣

OP posts:
AprilThe8th · 09/02/2021 15:40

@imfudgingfreezing fair enough

Original poster
Iamfudgingfreezing · 09/02/2021 15:40

@Love51 YES that’s exactly it

My DD calls her actual tube a Tubie
And her IV line a wiggly haha

Which is why I find the whole thing weird she wouldn’t never refer to her self as the actual Tubie.

OP posts:
DuchenneParent · 09/02/2021 15:43

I agree with you, and it doesn't grant much dignity to older children or teenagers with tubes. While FB parent support groups are often amazing (I have learnt so much from them myself), my one issue I have with them is that I sometimes see older kids being infantilised or having their personal/private details shared amongst strangers.