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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child maintenance who is BU?

28 replies

Usualusername · 09/02/2021 14:31

Hi, first time poster and looking for advice as I can’t decide who is BU. Me and ex DP split 3 years ago, he has paid regular maintenance of £115 per month calculated by CMS during this time but doesn’t contribute to anything else ie school uniforms, bus fares, dinner money, trips etc. Now, Ex DP has landed On His feet with new partner and has now decided he doesn’t need to work full time as he can afford not to and is in 2 minds as to wether to tell CMS about his new hours as he thinks CMS will reduce his payments. He’s constantly on about it as if he is doing me a huge favour by not telling them (reduction in hours results in less than 25% drop in income) now would I BU to tell him that he should tell CMS about reduction in hours but remind him that on the nights he has DD1 he should provide for her ie bus fares to school, dinner money etc as at the minute he pays none of this and it’s all deducted from the £115 a month that he pays me?? Or is that right that what he pays me should cover everything even though he has DD overnight 3 nights per week?
YANBU - he should pay extra costs when he has her
YABU - what he gives should cover everything

OP posts:

Playnoh · 09/02/2021 14:35

Let him tell CMS don’t let him hold over you that paltry amount. Unless, you can’t afford too. What an arsehole.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/02/2021 14:35

Who does he think pays for his child if he doesn't? And why is he doing you a favour by contributing to their upbringing? Can't stand that attitude, as if he's helping you out in some way by being a responsible parent. Sorry I have advice on where you stand legally but ugh that kind of attitude annoys me so much

Soontobe60 · 09/02/2021 14:36

Your ex should be paying all associated costs when your dd is with him - but in reality this can be difficult. Bus fares and dinner money is usually paid by a weekly ticket or through a dinner account. If he doesn’t pay money for these when he has her, its her that’s going to suffer.
TBH I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of getting into an argument about it. I’d leave him to it. He’s a shit.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/02/2021 14:38

YANBU. He should pay for extras when he has her. My ex pays for clubs/transport/food on the days he has DS and he pays 5x what your ex does. He also keeps clothes, PJs, toys etc at his house for DS.

It sounds like he will have the potential to be awkward though if you bring it up. Unfortunately if he is working part time he could reduce payments. It's a shit loophole.

ZoeTurtle · 09/02/2021 14:38

He should pay far more than £115 a month no matter his income, but there's (sadly) no way you can insist on him paying for anything but the paltry amount CMS calculates. Even if he fails to pay that it's unlikely they'll do anything except send some wimpy letters.

Bibidy · 09/02/2021 14:42

Tbh I wouldn't encourage him to tell CMS as it would certainly result in a reduced payment and it doesn't sound like he's about to start picking up any of the extras he's not paying for now.

He sounds like an arse so I'd just not bring it up and let him keep paying what he's paying.

IM0GEN · 09/02/2021 14:44

You are right - he needs to pay for everything while the child is with him. Clothes, school uniform, shoes, activities, childcare, school lunches, holidays etc.

She needs to have clothes that he buys and keeps at his house, which he launders etc.

If your child has eg one blazer and school bag which she uses at both homes then it’s reasonable that he pays half. Or if he prefers he can buy another blazer etc for her to keep at his house.

Bibidy · 09/02/2021 14:44

That said though, if he gives her bus fair for the days she's with him then that shouldn't be deducted from what he gives you. What he gives you is mandated by CMS taking into account the expense he will have when he has your daughter based on the number of nights, so he's not correct to be keeping that money back.

ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 09/02/2021 14:48

Firstly, he’s a selfish, grasping cunt. A measly £115 a month and he still skims off the top of that if he has to pay for his own child to get the bus to school? Yep, cunt.

If he’s reduced the hours he’s working then it in turn it will reduce the amount of child maintenance he legally has to pay as it’s based on what he earns. Ugh. I can only guess his current partner has set the bar low for herself sleeping with a bloke like that who can’t even be arsed to provide for their child on a basic level.

MessAllOver · 09/02/2021 14:58

Unless you really can't afford it, I think I'd tell him to do whatever he wants to stop him holding it over you. I'd also make a list of everything you pay relating to your DD and send it to him and ask whether he thinks he contributes fairly. I'd then tell him unequivocally that he's a shit dad and an absolute waste of space and you wish his new partner joy of him.

user1493413286 · 09/02/2021 15:02

He should be paying the costs when your DD is with him so if he does reduce it then certainly stop paying for bus fare etc on those days. It’s such a little amount that he pays that he sounds like an arsehole for expecting it to cover everything

Original poster

Usualusername · 09/02/2021 15:05

Thanks everyone I can live without the £115 if I’m honest and can fund DD without his help, it’s the principle of it and it really irks me that he acts like super dad because he pays me the CMS amount to the penny and thinks that covers everything! Not sure what I will do but nice to get other peoples opinions and see I’m not being “grabby”

OP posts:

thisisnotwhatisignedupfor · 09/02/2021 15:05

The CMS automatically recalulates the amount once a year according to HMRC's data on his income, so even if he doesn't tell them himself they will eventually find out and lower his payment. I'd stop paying for your DD's basic needs while in his care, he will be getting a reduction for the nights she is with him because it's assumed he is supporting her on those days.

MessAllOver · 09/02/2021 15:08

Of course you're not being grabby. Your child has two parents... why should only one of them support her financially?

PitAndPut · 09/02/2021 15:18

I know I'll get absolutely flamed for saying this on here but I don't actually think £115 a month is that paltry or shit when he only has his child one night a week less than you do.

However that being said and it's a big however, that would only be my opinion if he was genuinely doing the parenting on those days i.e. paying for bus fairs like you say, half of uniforms, doing all drop off and pick ups from school etc on those days.

If he was doing all that, I don't think £115 for essentially 4 days a month you have her more than him is the awfully small, pathetic contribution some think personally.

I appreciate he's not doing that though so for that he is being unreasonable.

Cadent · 09/02/2021 15:21

He needs to pay for her on his days , stop paying for that.

Let him update CMS, it’s unlikely his DP will tolerate him cocklodging for long.

toocold54 · 09/02/2021 15:30

If he tells CMS you’ll get less money.
Don’t cut your nose of to spite your face as they say.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/02/2021 15:31

@Usualusername

Thanks everyone

I can live without the £115 if I’m honest and can fund DD without his help, it’s the principle of it and it really irks me that he acts like super dad because he pays me the CMS amount to the penny and thinks that covers everything! Not sure what I will do but nice to get other peoples opinions and see I’m not being “grabby”

Say that would be a shame, what activity do you think we should cut out of DCs life to compensate for the loss in money or do you expect me to bail you out and make the difference up?

toocold54 · 09/02/2021 15:32

Also £115 a month is quite a lot of he has her almost 50/50

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/02/2021 15:35

@toocold54

Also £115 a month is quite a lot of he has her almost 50/50

It's not if he doesn't cover any expenses while DD is there. I bet the OP spends more than £115pm on her child.

Godimabitch · 09/02/2021 15:41

The whole point of CMS being calculated on how much the non resident parent has the kids is that they're expected to be covering the costs while the kid is in their care.

I also think it's really shitty when parents pay less because they choose not to work because they can afford not to.

toocold54 · 09/02/2021 15:48

It's not if he doesn't cover any expenses while DD is there. I bet the OP spends more than £115pm on her child.

I’m assuming OP doesn’t pay him for her food/electric usage etc whilst she’s at her dads.
And he gives OP money to cover the costs which is to cover school uniforms etc

It would be different if he saw DD less. But he has her almost 50/50 (he has her 3 nights and OP has her 4 nights), pays maintenance and as OP is the RP she’ll be getting the child benefit too.

ArnoldBee · 09/02/2021 15:53

You might want to check but im sure tolerance still applies whereby the income would have to drop by 25% to have a reduction in cms anyway. If that's correct and his other circumstances have not changed he might feel smug about telling them but might not actually make a difference.

BlindMedusa · 09/02/2021 16:01

@thisisnotwhatisignedupfor

This. He needs to start paying his way for his child. He's not doing you a favour by paying the higher than what he should. Let him inform them. Or do it yourself. I did with my ex when he had another child and then another but they won't act without speaking to him to confirm. My glorious amount still remains £7 a week. If you can afford the drop in money tell him you're now doing him a favour as he can put the rest to what he should be paying when your childs in his care. You're not grabby OP, please dont allow yourself to be manipulated by him

Watchingbehindmyhands · 09/02/2021 16:21

I know I'll get absolutely flamed for saying this on here but I don't actually think £115 a month is that paltry or shit when he only has his child one night a week less than you do

The problem with this (and I know you have qualified your response with 'however') is that it is perfectly possible to do 50/50 and pay for sod all other than a meal for the child when they are with you. I did 50/50 with my ex for a short while and I paid full childcare, school meals, uniform, shoes, did all the trips to the doctors/dentists and took time off when they were ill etc. etc. etc I had no choice but to pay for everything because he was unrealiable and quick to say 'oh sorry, got a meeting, you'll have to pick them up' at the 11th hour so it became clear that if I didn't have childcare, I was never going to be able to be reliable at work. Ditto school meals - if they're not paid for, they just threaten withdrawl and it's not right that they have to pay because my ex won't. Ditto uniform because if I didn't buy it, he simply didn't and still doesn't.

50/50 is open to massive abuse by a parent who doesn't want to support their child financially and puts enormous pressure on the other parent to constantly do the right thing by the child or engage in the constant arguments. Having said that, a judge removed 50/50 from my ex as a direct result of his financial fucking about (it wasn't written quite like that!) and his refusal to engage even in spirit with what it meant. Unfortunately, not all ex's are as stupid as my ex. Many fully understand the game they are playing.

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