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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with dp

66 replies

Kaylasmum49 · 09/02/2021 11:10

My do went to a garage today to get his car fixed. He was away for well over an hour, the garage is 10 minutes away. He spent over an hour there showing the mechanics what was needing done. The mechanics weren't wearing masks, my dp says he was. I am now worried about the risks involved due to the time he spent there and the obvious lack of distancing.

Am I just worrying too much?

OP posts:
Crankley · 09/02/2021 12:39

YABU. Assuming your DP is an adult, it's up to him if he decides to spend an hour at the garage.

Shoxfordian · 09/02/2021 12:40

Yabu
Your anxiety shouldn’t dictate his actions

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 09/02/2021 13:36

My anxiety doesn't dictate his actions but it would be nice of him to be mindful of it.

At to the op who mentioned "my rage" there was no rage!!

OP posts:
WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly · 09/02/2021 15:46

YABU

Your anxiety is your problem. You're only 54, if you were 94 then you'd have more of a case for being vulnerable. Mechanics generally have the doors open all the time so good air flow. It's almost like being outside.

year5teacher · 09/02/2021 16:15

Your anxiety isn’t really a reason for him to alter his behaviour though - he hasn’t really done anything wrong here.
When you start saying “you shouldn’t have done this because of my anxiety” you’re making your mental health issues something he is responsible for managing.
He can be “mindful” of it but you can’t expect him to do or not do harmless things because of it.

unmarkedbythat · 09/02/2021 16:17

My anxiety doesn't dictate his actions but it would be nice of him to be mindful of it

What does that mean though?

sunflowersandbuttercups · 09/02/2021 16:21

@Kaylasmum49

My anxiety doesn't dictate his actions but it would be nice of him to be mindful of it.

At to the op who mentioned "my rage" there was no rage!!

How do you expect him to be mindful of your anxiety in a way that doesn't change his behaviour?
dizzydizzydizzy · 09/02/2021 16:22

YANBU. We are in a pandemic. DP and the mechanics should have been more careful. It's not that difficult.

yvanka · 09/02/2021 16:22

My anxiety doesn't dictate his actions but it would be nice of him to be mindful of it.

It would be nice of you to be mindful of your anxiety, and how it is affecting your reactions to his (perfectly normal) behaviour. The man must have the patience of a saint.

If my DP was annoyed because he decided that I'd been at the mechanics for too long, I'd tell him to get fucked.

Floridaflipflops · 09/02/2021 16:26

@Kaylasmum49

My anxiety doesn't dictate his actions but it would be nice of him to be mindful of it.

At to the op who mentioned "my rage" there was no rage!!

So in other words your anxiety should dictate his actions?
unmarkedbythat · 09/02/2021 16:27

@dizzydizzydizzy

YANBU. We are in a pandemic. DP and the mechanics should have been more careful. It's not that difficult.
All OP has said is that her DP reported the mechanics weren't wearing masks. She hasn't said anything that implies her DP and the mechanics weren't being careful enough.
yvanka · 09/02/2021 16:28

My dp should have some consideration for my fears surely.

I'm sure he has consideration for your fears, but expecting him to anticipate exactly what will trigger your anxiety is v unreasonable. You were presumably fine with him taking the car for half an hour? Would 40 minutes have been ok? 50? At what point does it become 'a risk'?

LST · 09/02/2021 16:29

YABU

My dp has been out to work for over 12 hours a day throughout the whole thing.

1Morewineplease · 09/02/2021 16:29

You say that your anxiety does not dictate your actions but that you'd like him to be mindful of your anxiety surely means that you want him to act with your anxiety in mind.

He was only gone for an hour. Maybe it took a while to explain the fault. Maybe the mechanics had to tinker a bit to find the fault.

Try not to let your anxiety cause problems between you. Easier said than done, I know, but thank goodness you're addressing the meds/CBT issue.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 09/02/2021 17:14

Ok fair enough, I was being unreasonable but I didn't make a big deal over it at all. I have an adult ds who has severe mental health issues which leads to him self harming. He is very reactive to people's opinions of him, so because of that I am mindful of things that I say/do to him. Considering other people's feelings is important. Are you all in relationships where you don't give a damn about how your actions could impact on your oh?

OP posts:
Wowwe · 09/02/2021 17:18

Ah your poor DP

Bitcherama · 09/02/2021 17:26

Easy enough to be there over an hour. He could have had to wait 15 minutes for someone to come, explaining it, mechanics ask him to move car so they can look, car opened, mechanics hunt around, talk about findings, talk through options, make decision, sort it out etc.
He was wearing a mask and was v unlikely to be standing right next to them anyway.

He did nothing wrong so there is nothing to be mindful of. Echo the pp that I would be very pissed off if you complained about this. Very controlling.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 09/02/2021 17:31

@Kaylasmum49

Ok fair enough, I was being unreasonable but I didn't make a big deal over it at all. I have an adult ds who has severe mental health issues which leads to him self harming. He is very reactive to people's opinions of him, so because of that I am mindful of things that I say/do to him. Considering other people's feelings is important. Are you all in relationships where you don't give a damn about how your actions could impact on your oh?
Your DP shouldn't have to change his behaviour to appease your anxiety.
Hadjab · 09/02/2021 17:31

@Kaylasmum49

planDeRaccordement how do you know what happened, and how long my dp spoke with them. Also the garage isn't open air, it's inside with an open front.
@Kaylasmum49 have you ever been to a garage? Approximately 85% of your time there is spent waiting. If the garage is open fronted, then it’s well ventilated.
Jellycatspyjamas · 09/02/2021 17:37

Considering other people's feelings is important.

It is important to consider others, but not to the point where you change perfectly reasonable behaviour. Being out for an hour taking the car to the garage isn’t unreasonable.

yvanka · 09/02/2021 17:43

Are you all in relationships where you don't give a damn about how your actions could impact on your oh?

The irony.

PlanDeRaccordement · 09/02/2021 17:51

@Kaylasmum49

Ok fair enough, I was being unreasonable but I didn't make a big deal over it at all. I have an adult ds who has severe mental health issues which leads to him self harming. He is very reactive to people's opinions of him, so because of that I am mindful of things that I say/do to him. Considering other people's feelings is important. Are you all in relationships where you don't give a damn about how your actions could impact on your oh?
While it is important to consider others feelings, that doesn’t mean walking on eggshells because your partner has unreasonable emotions or anxiety. There is a point where the anxiety and emotions are not your DHs fault, the fault is your mental illness.

For example, if I get really stressed I can have a psychotic episode and hallucinate, sometimes harming myself. But this does not mean my partner is therefore responsible for keeping my life stress free. It seems that you think it is your DHs responsibility to keep you anxiety free.

I think that’s why you are getting a hard time on here OP. Truthfully, we have to take ownership of our mental illnesses and not deflect them back on those we love and love us.

ChablisandCrisps · 09/02/2021 17:52

My guess is he spent 10 mins waiting, 5 mins chatting and then 45 sitting in the car reading a book or something! This is what I would do anyway Grin If not at work we are all stuck at home with the same people aaaaalllllll the time so the chance of a break would be hard to pass up. I'm sorry but you do sound hard work. I hope your anxiety improves Flowers

SeasonFinale · 09/02/2021 18:00

At the poster who said the mechanics should have been more careful. Perhaps it was the DP who should not have been encroaching for an unnecessarily long time in their workplace.

RuggerHug · 09/02/2021 18:02

He could have asked them to wear masks and if they refused taken his business somewhere else. Some of the responses here show why the numbers are what they are. A fucking year into this and people still say what's the big deal, why bother with the most basic of precautions Hmm