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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dilemma

36 replies

Justasking21 · 09/02/2021 08:48

NC for this post for obvious reasons.

My partner and I have both been vaccinated and have been following the rules really carefully. His grandparents have also been vaccinated but they live a long way from us. We haven't seen them in six months and his grandad has deteriorating dementia but is turning 90 at the end of the month.

He wants to travel to visit him for two days to see him before he can't remember much any more and to celebrate his milestone birthday and offer some support to his grandma who is struggling with her mental health as a carer.

They see another family group as a bubble occasionally (to bring them shopping) who's CEV member has been vaccinated also.

It's against the rules but we would get petrol only in the place we usually do and could make it there and back only seeing them.

Would you do it or not?

OP posts:
MaskingForIt · 09/02/2021 08:51

Does your boyfriend’s grandpa live near Barbara Castle? You could drive to test your eyesight. We already know that is allowed.

giletrouge · 09/02/2021 08:51

Yes. And I think - I may be wrong - it comes under care of vulnerable persons, and so is allowed.

Finfintytint · 09/02/2021 08:51

@MaskingForIt

Does your boyfriend’s grandpa live near Barbara Castle? You could drive to test your eyesight. We already know that is allowed.
Great typo!
giletrouge · 09/02/2021 08:52

@MaskingForIt

Does your boyfriend’s grandpa live near Barbara Castle? You could drive to test your eyesight. We already know that is allowed.
You know there are times it's ok to joke and times it's not, don't you?
LaurieFairyCake · 09/02/2021 08:52

Yes, they're very elderly and deteriorating- this is about care for a vulnerable person.

TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe · 09/02/2021 08:53

No, I wouldn't. The vaccine doesn't make you immune to the virus, it just lowers the risk of you catching it and developing symptoms. You could have the disease despite having been vaccinated, you could pass it on to the 90 year old despite having been vaccinated, and the 90 year old could die despite having been vaccinated. Don't risk it whilst the virus is still so prevalent in society.

LadyCatStark · 09/02/2021 08:55

Yes I would before it’s too late, but I’d make sure I had my reason ready incase I got stopped by the police.

timetochangeyourlife · 09/02/2021 08:55

I'm HCP and have followed the rules but I say go, I hope you have a lovely time with both of them I'm sure they be delighted to see you.

timetochangeyourlife · 09/02/2021 09:00

I seriously doubt you'll be stopped by the police we had to travel from one end of the country to another as our second home required essential maintenance and we agonised over going for days as we were so worried we might be stopped even though what we were doing was permitted under the covid restriction law but weren't stopped neither were any of the other 1000's we saw driving around.

Ch3rish · 09/02/2021 09:03

@MaskingForIt

Does your boyfriend’s grandpa live near Barbara Castle? You could drive to test your eyesight. We already know that is allowed.
Oh hahaha, never heard that one before, why does this need to endlessly be brought up, we've moved on, I can't stand DC any more than the next person but this comment is waaaaay past its post by date
Royalbloo · 09/02/2021 09:06

Are you both going or just him? I can't tell.

HugeAckmansWife · 09/02/2021 09:18

Yes absolutely I would. Under the "rules" it could come under providing support for a vulnerable person and even if it didn't I still would, on the grounds of humanity. As for being stopped, I drive up and down the country every two weeks for a permitted reason and have never once been stopped.

ShirleyPhallus · 09/02/2021 09:22

Yes I would, but be prepared to be told you’re the cause of the problem / killing people etc etc etc

Alexindiamondarmour · 09/02/2021 09:32

Can someone explain the Barbara castle comment? I’m lost

VinterKvinna · 09/02/2021 09:35

I wouldnt - can you do face time? or messenger/zoom etc?

ZoeTurtle · 09/02/2021 09:36

@Alexindiamondarmour

Can someone explain the Barbara castle comment? I’m lost
You didn't miss much; it wasn't very funny the first 2,000 times someone posted it.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dominic_Cummings_scandal

MsJinks · 09/02/2021 09:48

I’ve been seeing my parents weekly, and more, right through to do shopping etc, but also spent time around that to visit and I’m so glad I did. My dad was so excited to be 90 that I would definitely have turned up that day. Initially I was in a single person household, latterly a 2 person, as daughter had to move back in. However, it comes under care for vulnerable- do live close, so doubtful I’d have been stopped, but not one question from loads of carers or nhs staff was asked at all.
My 3rd daughter collected a TV from mine in first lockdown- fully social distanced throughout just collected from door and left - she was stopped and thought she would tell them she had taken her elderly mum shopping, gave addresses which are about 25 miles apart and the police were fine with it - not sure I was!
Do it as carefully as possible but you genuinely are supporting the elderly and that’s ok and within guidance - it’s so hard for them, and particularly an elderly carer.

lightyearsahead · 09/02/2021 09:55

Can he reduce his movements and exposure to others for 2 weeks prior to going to is grandpas.

Do you need to go?
If so can you isolate for 2 weeks also to minimise risk.

Can you see them socially distanced?

nicky7654 · 09/02/2021 10:07

I wouldn't need to ask permission on MN to visit family members in need and deteriorating. Just do it!!

RB68 · 09/02/2021 10:18

OK I did something similar recently - here was my reasoning

  1. Dad and relative were on the verge of utterly destroying each other without a break/change of scene/pressure being taken off
  2. Dad is going in for last chance surgery shortly (having a limited life span other illness as well)
3, Dads mental health has plummeted and he is making decisions that impact and effect others (severely) and being obstreperous about it so some reasoning and refereeing was needed

Sometimes it is necessary for the health of all involved, I took over general care for 5 days and gave the carer relief for that time, remember many carers have been doing 24.7 for pretty much a year especially with shielders

I think the law is very unfair in the respect of it being so vague about what is and isn't allowed and it is subjective and causes anxiety in people who feel they need to do such visits. I think this counts as a care visit but also as an end of life visit

RB68 · 09/02/2021 10:21

I think the police are specifically looking for car sharers especially younger people. so they don't "see" others. Although my experience definitely was there were some cars and lots of goods wagons the traffic was extremely light all things considered

RaidersoftheLostAardvark · 09/02/2021 10:23

Have you all had both doses of the vaccine? Remember the protection is very different depending on when you actually had it. It also probably does not stop asymptomatic spread, so you could still pass on Covid to a grandparent - who is much more likely to come to harm even from a mild illness. Could you self-isolate for 10 days (properly self-isolate, don't leave the house, don't see anyone) then visit? I suspect this is 'allowed' as you are helping with their care, but that doesn't mean you won't give your frail elderly relatives Covid. The worst case scenario is you give your partner's grandmother Covid, she is hospitalised/ dies & then grandfather with dementia is on his own.

FlyingSuitcase · 09/02/2021 10:31

I think you could do the trip legally if you provide "enough" care and support while you are there. Take them home cooked food or ingredients to cook for them, take cleaning materials and give the home a good scrub, make sure they have the clothes and blankets they need. Stay in a hotel, don't stay over with them. Trips for giving care are allowed; birthday celebrations not so much.

There are a few things in your post that make me think you are being a bit disingenuous, maybe even kidding yourselves. Do they really only see other relatives "occasionally" if they are shopping for them? And the "while he still remembers it" line - it's quite possible that things will open up a bit on the 8th March or a couple of weeks after.

If you are already vaccinated that tells me you are both quite vulnerable yourselves or you work with vulnerable people, and vaccinations take a few weeks (and a second jab) to reach full efficacy. Also we don't really know how bulletproof they are in the very elderly. I think you may be underestimating the risks you could be exposing them to.

feen · 09/02/2021 11:10

It's actually Barnard Castle not Barbara.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/02/2021 11:27

@MaskingForIt

Does your boyfriend’s grandpa live near Barbara Castle? You could drive to test your eyesight. We already know that is allowed.
I was wondering who the actual F was Barbara Castle. Was she some famous person who tested eyesight in a distant Specsavers or something! Grin Then @feen pointed out that it's actually Barnard and not Barbara that you need to see (of the Castle family) Grin Grin Grin