Is a bit of understanding too much to ask?

[PrettyPig]

I imagine some of this is down to new baby hormones and lack of sleep but DH has really upset me this morning.

Basically, DC was born on Friday last week. DH is self employed and is really stressed at the moment due to a couple of large expenses and staff isolating due to Covid etc...

He's essentially not yet had a day since DC was born where he hasn't gone into work for at least half the day.

DC is being absolutely terrible at night, just will not settle at all and will only sleep on me which makes it impossible for me to then get any sleep.

I had a long labour, nearly 24hrs which was exhausting and also quite a nasty tear and stitches which are proving pretty painful. One of the biggest problems is I cannot use the toilet for a wee unless I'm in the shower and basically flushing water down there too as the sting is far too painful, I've also got some loss of feeling in my bladder too. Basically toileting is a nightmare right now (sorry tmi probably!).

Anyway, the past two nights DH has had baby from about 9pm - midnight downstairs whilst I sleep. He's then come upstairs and slept until 6:30 whilst I take baby downstairs and basically stay up all night. He then goes to work and so I still stay up until he gets home around lunch time.

We had an argument this morning because I just don't think he appreciates how difficult it is for me. He has 6 and a half hours undisturbed sleep and was pulling his face this morning because I didn't immediately jump up when baby woke when he got up to get dressed (I'd managed to get him to sleep in his Moses for half an hour).

He took baby downstairs and changed him and fed him and then brought him up all the while moaning that he needed to get ready and this was what I was supposed to be doing because this is why he 'gives me' those hours in the evening to sleep so that he can go to work.

He was saying things like how he was going to work and was still going to come home to 'help me' after lunch as if it's a fucking favour to me? Baby sleeps from lunchtime onwards anyway so it's hardly some massive chore.

When I got upset and took baby off him to finish off (I was pretty mad at him by then). He was saying how I should be happy because we have a baby, why was I sad etc... (I'm not sad, just tired and sore!!!).

I understand he might not have much of a choice about going to work earlier than is really best. I get that being self employed means you can't always have the benefits of employed work, paternity leave and so on. I really do.

But I just felt like there was absolutely no appreciation for how much he's leaving me in the lurch at home. I can barely use the toilet unless he's here. I can't stand up off the sofa without feeling pain, pick baby up from changing mat etc... I really could do with his help at home rather than him being in work but I know he has to.

I just hate how he acts like it's all some massive favour he's doing me being he lets me sleep for a few hours in the evening 4 days after giving birth. I feel like if I was him I would be really apologetic about having to leave, wouldn't you?

OP that sounds horrendous.

Don't have time to type loads right now....but Inna purely practical level. Pour jug of warm water over you on loo as you pee. Also frozen peas wrapped in tea towel in knickers! Obviously discard both after use

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He also said something about how 'one of us has to make money' as if I'm just some useless lump at home not contributing. I'm on maternity from my paid employment.. I'm not jobless not that it would be appropriate even if I were but I literally have a job and so bring in money so I don't even understand what that was meant to mean!

@CareBear50

OP that sounds horrendous.

Don't have time to type loads right now....but Inna purely practical level. Pour jug of warm water over you on loo as you pee. Also frozen peas wrapped in tea towel in knickers! Obviously discard both after use

💐💐💐

Thank you, I did try the jug but found just standing in the shower works better but not the most practical every time you need the loo. Will give peas a go.

I don't think most men do get it. My DH is wonderful but in those first 2 weeks I really really resented him. It did get better tho! I remember posting on here and people telling me it was normal and it would get better and it did. Read up on the 4th trimester it'll help explain why baby just wants to sleep on you. Have you thought about cosleeping? That was a game changer for me and so much safer than accidentally falling asleep holding the baby which happened a few times

Adjusting to a new baby is extremely overwhelming. I think yabu though.
He is self employed so he doesn't get the option it seems of taking paternity leave. What would you like him to do about that?
Also he does take the baby for a few hours a night and then you take over. That seems completely fair. That is what we did.
It seems like you are just feeling overwhelmed and its difficult at the moment, but it will get better.

Okay there is an awful lot going here. First of all congratulations on your new baby. Its incredibly early days. Is your m/w visiting daily still? She may be able to offer some advice re the pain. Can you use a large jug to pour water down there when you wee rater than needing to get in the shower? That way it doesn't take as long, baby can be left in the cot while you do it.
It's totally normal for the baby not to be sleeping lots at night at the moment and / or on you. However, if, like me you found that incredibly tough, you can work toward naps in the Moses or cot or pram. It's OK if she cries a little bit. (I'm not talking about controlled crying at ti's stage) but it's OK if she doesn't t immediately settle. Swaddling might help, white noise, or a rocking baby seat.
Re your dh.. Its really tough that he has to be at work and I'd nip this 'helping you' and 'your job' nonsense in the bud now. New baby = all hands on deck, everyone is shattered. He definitely could be being more sympathetic and understanding but I can also understand why he doesn't want to be apologising every 5 minutes, he's trying to keep his livelihood going and that hasn't changed since Friday. It's rare I think for men to really get how physically and emotionally exhausting Labour can be and its probably worth reminding him that your body has been through the wringer and that isn't something you just snap back.from. Can you find a quiet time when he's not rushing out the door to talk to him, explain what's happening to you?

It's not that I want him to do anything about it, as I say I get it and I understand he has to go in.

It's the way he speaks to me and the way he just doesn't appreciate that it's not great for me that he has to leave. I would just like him to understand that from my perspective like I do from his (I've never moaned other than right now about him not taking time off!).

Some of the comments he was making just seemed so unfair. He has a habit of making things out like they are a favour to me when in actual fact they are both our responsibility. He does the same with things like housework etc.. and I felt he was doing the same now. Everything he does for the baby is 'helping me' or 'giving me a few hours'. Surely it's just doing what is also his responsibility too?

Oh that sounds horrendous. You simply cannot continue staying up all night, it’s just not feasible. I completely agree with everything you’ve said too.

And perhaps I am unreasonable but I don't really agree with him that he absolutely can't just change a nappy at 6:30 when I've just managed to get in bed after being up all night because he has to rush off to work. He's self employed... He doesn't have to be there for 7am. If he goes in at 7:30 because he popped a fresh nappy on and gave baby a bottle and put them back down so I could stay asleep for a little bit it would make next to no difference to his day. It's because he sees it as my job imo.

Top tip put your sanitary pads in the freezer. Sounds mad but it was a lifesaver for me. Also buy a cheap childrens swim ring to sit on so you are raised off the sofa and not putting pressure on your vagania.
And yes he is not helping but taking care of his child.

Ps I know it's early days and this is all just probably overwhelming for us both and likely to get better.

It's not really about baby or their sleeping. I'm just upset at the way DH spoke to me and what he clearly sees as my job to do. There just seems to be no understanding from his side.

Will try swaddling tonight I think, I actually have a swaddle bag so will give it a go. And pads in the freezer, sounds like bliss - thank you!

Congratulations on your new baby.
I'm going to be a bit blunt because there's no way to sugar coat this: you are both under huge stress and in need of understanding. It is a massive thing for a man to realise that he is bringing home the bacon for 3 (or more, i think it happens for each subsequent baby)

Having a baby is a huge stress for you, on your body, mentally, everything. It is a shit time for a lot of people (I hated it). What are you doing during the day? I am going to assume that the baby sleeps sometime? Try as much as you can to alter your rhythm to that of the baby. When doing feeds try to relax, try to relax with the baby afterwards and literally sod everything else outside of looking after your baby and yourself.

The chances are it will get better, it really will.

That sounds awful and you need to sit down and have a proper talk. Lay it out for him. For the pain - I found a few drops of lavender oil in a warm bath and just sitting in it for half an hour helped massively. It's shit right now but it gets better quickly.

Poor you. Congratulations. It gets easier.

For now. Can you ask your husband if he can keep the baby for an hour more at night so you get a little more sleep. And is it possible he does a 10-3 shift at work so you can have another 90 mins sleep in the morning.

Secondly - everything he mentions doing it for you - calmly reply "no, it's for our child". This is a longer discussion to have with him....but now when everyone is tired and stressed may not be the best time.....hold that thought for a relaxed conversation when he will 'hear' what you say.

Finally- are you taking pain killers for the soreness. Please speak to your midwife and ask her advice. (You don't want something which will zonk you or your breast milk).

It will improve. It is a big adjustment for you both.

Oh op sounds awful , I remember those early days it was basically eat/ sleep repeat . You are both finding your feet and routine and it will get better . He’s also got the added stress of working where most partners take paternity leave.
No advice just that things will get better and I get that you resent him . I bloody hated mine especially during the birth .
You rant away , just rest when you can and the same for him . I really think he’d benefit a few days not working so you can both find your feet . But congratulations and good luck .

Read up on 4th trimester. Read up on safe co-sleeping. Stay in bed with baby until you feel better. Sleep when the baby sleeps. Buy a sling and pop your baby in it when you want to get up and about.

If your husband can't give you a couple of weeks of this, you really don't need him, he's a liability.

I really resented DH in the first few weeks after DD1 was born. He would take over in the night, she would wake up in the transfer and he’d immediately declare her hungry and pass her straight back to me. He made no attempt to try and calm her at all. This lasted until I snapped at him that he wasn’t even trying and I did actually have to sleep after giving birth.

DD2 is 4mo now and he has been infinitely better this time. So have I though about just saying what I need and not expecting him to be a mind reader. DH is working 9-5 now but still takes DD every other night. We cosleep so it’s just who is cuddling her and gives her a bottle when she wants it.

I think you’re both BU. Three hours isn’t enough for you to function. Can you go to bed earlier than 9?

YABU in terms of your expectations (presumably he has to work), but I hope you feel better soon. It does get better, I promise you that. And congratulations!

Can your DH go into work in the afternoon instead if that's when baby sleeps?
Then you can be together in the morning, sharing looking after the little one, pop something into the slow cooker for dinner, then you can sleep in the afternoon as well.

What are you doing during the day? I am going to assume that the baby sleeps sometime?

So DH leaves at around 6:45 and gets home in the afternoon, baby will sleep on and off during that time but 9/10 they want to be physically on me and will just cry and cry if I put them down so I still don't get much opportunity to sleep whilst DH is out as I obviously daren't go to sleep with them on me. That's why DH takes him from 9-midnight so I can get a few hours.

I'm not sure about him being stressed bringing home the bacon for 3. Financially we are okay, I get a good maternity package from work and I will be going back to work. He is under stress from his business, staff absence etc... but it's not because I'm not working at the moment or because of the baby. It would have been the same stresses either way although of course now there's a big change at home too so I understand how that would heighten everything else!

Really feel for you OP. Those first few weeks are tough. I don’t think a lot of men full appreciate what your body goes through giving birth.
Do you have any friends or family you can call on? Anyone who can come and sit with the baby for a few hours just to give you some rest?
For the stitches, tea tree and lavender essential oils in a shallow bath are amazing. My midwife told me I’d feel like a new woman after having one of these baths and she was not wrong! I hate baths but they were amazing. Keep stitches as dry as you can. Hair drying them on a very cool setting also helps. You can put a few drops of tea tree onto a maternity pad as it’s a natural antiseptic.
I agree with you about your ‘D’H. I think your and your baby’s well-being comes first and he should have prepared better to support you a bit more. If you’d had a c section he would definitely need to be around a bit more. I doubt it’s going to change for now but worth bearing in mind if there’s a next time. My DH didn’t appreciate how tough it is with a baby until he was on his own with her when I went back to work. It was only then he really got why I struggled to shower and leave the house and by this time she was 10 months old so a lot easier than the new born days.
Look after yourself

Put a cup of salt in the bath water - will help with healing. Yes try swaddling - it really worked for mine

Make sure you have two baths/showers a day to keep those stitches clean. Even if you only wash the bottom half. Jug of warm water for wees.
Have you started your pelvic floor exercises ?
What time does he get home from work, can he cook tea most nights for now ?
Do you have a mum nearby who could help ?

Thanks for all the suggestions. Midwife said I should be showering rather than bathing! I'd love to have a bath and soak them a bit I might try and grab one later.