Is a bit of understanding too much to ask?

[PrettyPig]

I imagine some of this is down to new baby hormones and lack of sleep but DH has really upset me this morning.

Basically, DC was born on Friday last week. DH is self employed and is really stressed at the moment due to a couple of large expenses and staff isolating due to Covid etc...

He's essentially not yet had a day since DC was born where he hasn't gone into work for at least half the day.

DC is being absolutely terrible at night, just will not settle at all and will only sleep on me which makes it impossible for me to then get any sleep.

I had a long labour, nearly 24hrs which was exhausting and also quite a nasty tear and stitches which are proving pretty painful. One of the biggest problems is I cannot use the toilet for a wee unless I'm in the shower and basically flushing water down there too as the sting is far too painful, I've also got some loss of feeling in my bladder too. Basically toileting is a nightmare right now (sorry tmi probably!).

Anyway, the past two nights DH has had baby from about 9pm - midnight downstairs whilst I sleep. He's then come upstairs and slept until 6:30 whilst I take baby downstairs and basically stay up all night. He then goes to work and so I still stay up until he gets home around lunch time.

We had an argument this morning because I just don't think he appreciates how difficult it is for me. He has 6 and a half hours undisturbed sleep and was pulling his face this morning because I didn't immediately jump up when baby woke when he got up to get dressed (I'd managed to get him to sleep in his Moses for half an hour).

He took baby downstairs and changed him and fed him and then brought him up all the while moaning that he needed to get ready and this was what I was supposed to be doing because this is why he 'gives me' those hours in the evening to sleep so that he can go to work.

He was saying things like how he was going to work and was still going to come home to 'help me' after lunch as if it's a fucking favour to me? Baby sleeps from lunchtime onwards anyway so it's hardly some massive chore.

When I got upset and took baby off him to finish off (I was pretty mad at him by then). He was saying how I should be happy because we have a baby, why was I sad etc... (I'm not sad, just tired and sore!!!).

I understand he might not have much of a choice about going to work earlier than is really best. I get that being self employed means you can't always have the benefits of employed work, paternity leave and so on. I really do.

But I just felt like there was absolutely no appreciation for how much he's leaving me in the lurch at home. I can barely use the toilet unless he's here. I can't stand up off the sofa without feeling pain, pick baby up from changing mat etc... I really could do with his help at home rather than him being in work but I know he has to.

I just hate how he acts like it's all some massive favour he's doing me being he lets me sleep for a few hours in the evening 4 days after giving birth. I feel like if I was him I would be really apologetic about having to leave, wouldn't you?

No reason why you can’t have a bath 🛀

Firstly congratulations!!

You need to nip this in the bud NOW.

Sit down tonight and have a chat. You need to very clearly tell him, that this baby is both your responsibilities and he is not “helping” he is not “doing you a favour” as it’s his fucking job as well and if he has any self respect he needs to be a parent. Disappearing off to work is a cop out and pathetic. You had a baby A WEEK AGO. He should be doing the most for you especially after physical trauma from birth which sounds rubbish btw (try spritz for bitz from the expert midwife it’s fab)

This is why there is paternity leave, he should be there with you every day both of you muddling through together.

Self employment is hard, add that to the shit show that is the world at the moments - really not fun. However, did he not plan to spend some time with his baby?

Without sounding mean, sounds to me like he wants some uninterrupted sleep and some peace in the day and “work” is giving him that. As you say, he doesn’t need to be in at 7am. I’m sure he could go in at 9, after his uninterrupted sleep he could let you have a chunk in the morning. I have friends who’s OH are self employed and to be honest complete workaholics, two had babies a few years ago and one this year, and all of them stayed at home for a least 2 weeks and got stuck in. Your new parents ... that’s what you do!

The comments... watch out. He’s trying to gaslight you into thinking this is all on you and he’s a hero for going out to work to earn money to provide for you blah blah blah. If he’s like this week one, what’s he going to be like in 6 months before you go back to work?

I think about it as my job whilst I was on mat leave was looking after DS in the day whilst DH was a work. I also did at least half of not more of the housework which i didn’t mind as I was home - but only if I chance to. There were many, many days I cluster fed all day long on the sofa. Then when your both at home it’s half and half. When he’s working in the week, you do the night feeds because he has to go and function at work - but not every single night, the weekends you get a rest! You shouldn’t even have to be thinking about all this, first few weeks are so special and should be bonding time as a three, we practically argued who was doing the next cuddle/ feed/ nappy etc because it was all new. I’m sorry that he’s making you feel this way.

I felt “guilt” about the money side that I wasn’t bringing much in, however DH swiftly reminded me that I had “bought” DS into the world and was caring for him. I do feel a lot more balance now we are both back at work though. It’s hard.

The first 2/3 weeks are completely overwhelming. I feel sympathy for you absolutely but I do think you’re not being understanding about your DH work situation.

The way you word it, it’s as if he wants to go in. I’m sure he would much rather be with you. If won’t be a picnic for him either.

I don’t think he’s particularly understanding of you either and he won’t understand how painful for you.

I think many people go in to survival mode and it’s on repeat for the first few weeks. It’s brutal and it’s understandable why couples get frustrated.

It won’t be forever OP, but take op advice and sleep when baby is sleeping, get a sling and whatever makes it easier fir you do it.

I would tell him how you feel and if he appears understanding, you might feel better.

I really hate the idea that men think they’re ‘helping’ us when it comes to house work and baby work.

On a practical level, little swaddle bags when they’re teeny really worked for me or a big soft muslin. I did it from day one as I knew I wanted to try it so if you’d like to, I wouldn’t wait or the baby may reject it.

I hope you heal soon. It’s very sore and uncomfortable. I had a section so lots of stitches, just in a different place.

@prettypig you can wee in the bath as well. Much more pleasant. But grim but needs must and quick shower after!

Tons of great advice here so I'm not going to add to it but just wanted to say he should be treating you like a fucking queen 4 days after giving birth. I remember clearly how painful, sore, scary, exhausted etc etc it was and its years ago!!

Firstly - congratulations! Your body has made a whole new person! How amazing!

I’d be tearing him a new one about him doing ‘favours’ tbh. You’re right, he’s a parent and therefore equally responsible for his child - why doesn’t he want to make your life a tiny bit easier?

On a more practical note, if you need to hop in the shower to pee, then do. Letting baby cry for a few minutes is not the same as making them cry, and you really need to take cafe of yourself as well as baby. Try a hot water bottle in the Moses basket before you put him in there - sometimes that helps. Co-sleep in your bed - even just a nap with baby next to you and your hand on him would probably help.

It will get better, I promise. Everything will heal and baby will start to sleep and husband will get kicked into touch . Take care of yourself

Try:

• swaddling (game changer for me!!)
• hot water bottle in crib before you put baby down, then remove it so theres a warm patch for them to lie in.
• roll up a towel into a n shape and put under the sheet so baby is sort of nestled (nurses do this in NICUs and hospitals)

Make sure baby is warm enough (but no hat when sleeping!)

• put baby in crib and place your hand on tummy and hold it there while they go to sleep then very slowly lift it gradually

OP, you are recovering from birth, dealing with hormones all over the place and feeling with the effect of sleep.deprivatiom for the first time.

It's hard but don't take it out on your oh. It's hard for him too. In different ways but hard to.

What you are experiencing is similar to what most mums experience. It's hard but you need to get through it and it will get better. Passing your frustration on to your oh is only going to make him anxious and stressed making him even less able to help you.

He is doing his part by working and supporting you financially. He is helping when he can. Don't make him feel guilty because you are struggling with motherhood. It will get better, it really will and the better.

Don't make him feel guilty because you are struggling with motherhood

I think that's really unfair. All his talk of doing favours and helping out by giving the woman who just had a traumatic birth 4 days ago, a few hours of sleep of an evening is the guilt tripping that's going on here! Its not helping to look after your own child 4 days after they were born.

And for goodness sake, a good maternity package is also helping to financially support the household, his wife is on maternity, only recently, is getting a good maternity package and is planning on going back to work, he isn't a sole earner or 'bringing home the bacon for 3'.

Keep up the pain medication, I found the jug with warm water in the only way to quickly wee, then Pat dry, when things started healing I put a bit of salt in the water. Not ideal but ok for a quick wee.

Does your DH work weekends? If not then ask which night he wants to do? Then you get a nights sleep? It’s very early days, you are sore, hormonal and tired, he’s just a bit tired probably and can’t relate to how you physically feel.him wanting to get ready for work is understandable, you are on maternity leave. Be kind to each other, be specific when asking what you want him to do.

@Pwee is right.

Who the fuck tells another woman who had a baby very recently, who can’t even piss without being in agony, “don’t make him feel guilty because you are struggling with motherhood”

Oh boohoo, the poor man who’s going to work and cracking on with his normal day, not helping his wife without making her feel guilty after her having a baby days ago. DAYS. As another PP he should be treating her like a Queen.

She’s not struggling with motherhood, she’s struggling having a husband who is not supporting her without making her feel guilty for the scraps he is giving like she should be thankful. It’s completely normal for her to feel overwhelmed at this point, and usually that’s where a supportive partner comes in and shares the load.

Honestly, comments like this make my blood boil. And they are so so damaging to the OP who has someone else telling her it’s her fault because “she’s struggling”. That she’s the problem. She is not the problem.

ICE POLES. My saviour after birth was cheap box of ice poles in freezer. Take one wrap in a sheet of kitchen towel and stick it where you need it. Immediate and perfectly shaped relief.

Don't make him feel guilty because you are struggling with motherhood. It will get better, it really will and the better

Wtaf? She's not fucking struggling with motherhood her baby is 4 days old. 4 fucking days. She's recovering from giving birth!!

It’s so common and I agree with other posters that the partner not at home the majority of time really doesn’t get it. I bet you are a bit cross he gets all that lovely time driving around and being with adults whilst you are at home etc. It’s a massive shock for both of you and it takes time to work it out. Can you give him the baby and go to sleep when he gets in? Even if he just brings baby to you for feeding. Also don’t waste breath trying to explain to him how hard it is. I remember trying to do this many years ago and it didn’t work. Just smile sweetly and hand him the baby whenever you can. Big hug

[quote Potentialscrooge]@Pwee is right.

Who the fuck tells another woman who had a baby very recently, who can’t even piss without being in agony, “don’t make him feel guilty because you are struggling with motherhood”

Oh boohoo, the poor man who’s going to work and cracking on with his normal day, not helping his wife without making her feel guilty after her having a baby days ago. DAYS. As another PP he should be treating her like a Queen.

She’s not struggling with motherhood, she’s struggling having a husband who is not supporting her without making her feel guilty for the scraps he is giving like she should be thankful. It’s completely normal for her to feel overwhelmed at this point, and usually that’s where a supportive partner comes in and shares the load.

Honestly, comments like this make my blood boil. And they are so so damaging to the OP who has someone else telling her it’s her fault because “she’s struggling”. That she’s the problem. She is not the problem.[/quote]
Amen 🙌

OP please don’t listen to comments telling you you’re struggling and need to keep shtum not to upset your husband. What a load of nonsense! He isn’t helping you, he’s looking after his child! It’s early days, hopefully he will change and realise the error of your ways. You can’t be expected to survive on 3 hours sleep. I could never sleep in the day, especially not if baby sleeps on you.
You need to tell him how hurtful you’ve found his comments!
Chin up, you’re doing a great job! It sucks being exhausted and in pain; the first few weeks were a blur for me. But it does get better and you will feel more human soon enough

Tell him very clearly that comments like that (about helping) are not on because of what they signify. I pulled mine up on that at the start and he got it.
If you can, lean over with baby as far as you can before putting down in crib - mine used to startle when they could feel themselves being lowered away from me so I use to bend right down and just lower them the last inch or so and then do the gentle hand on them for a minute or so.
I had physio after my second degree tear - a heat lamp. I don’t suppose you could ask about that? I just lay down with it pointing at my rear for about ten minutes each day for the few days and it helped.
Congratulations! It does get easier!

Just sending a big understanding hug. Those early days are just exhausting, I'll never forget it. I did it three times and the last one was 10 years ago but you never forget it!

With our second, my DH was employed and had to be back at work within an hour of me giving birth. Didn't even get a congratulations off the boss, just a "what a stupid time of year to have a baby". He worked non stop and we had a toddler as well. Just.simply.exhausting but we had no choice and had to ride it out. I felt very alone but once baby got better with sleeping, it was so much easier!

Just be as kind to yourself as you can. Try out the tips for comfortable peeing shared here, I remember the joy of that too! And try to stay friends with your DH. This is one of the most stressful and exhausting times you will go through together, as hard and testing as it is and he probably push all your buttons, try to stick together. You will settle into a rhythm and it will get better. Xxx

Oh also agree with a PP - if you need to get in the shower to wee then do it. Put baby in the Moses basket and bring it in the bathroom with you. Baby will be fine to cry for a few minutes.

Congratulations on your new baby! I vaguely remember being where you are now, but I was so FUCKING KNACKERED it’s all a bit like a wierd dream.
Could I recommend you get a sling to put the little one in? During the fourth trimester they just want to be on you. All. The. Time. Which obviously makes life difficult.
As someone who also had an exciting tear I also wholeheartedly endorse the swim ring to sit on and the frozen sanitary pads. I wish I’d known about ice poles....
As far as DH goes, I imagine he doesn’t know which way he’s going at the moment and is envisaging a whole life of this level of new pressures/worry. That really doesn’t excuse any bad behaviour on his part. But can I just reassure BOTH of you that this won’t last. I remember crying to my dad about three weeks in and him telling me that by week 12 it would be a distant memory. I thought he was mental but it turned out he was totally on the money.
Hang on in there, you’re at the very beginning of this ride and the first bit is really bumpy. But you’ll be great. All three of you.

In honesty, he sounds like a selfish dickhead. I'd be challenging him every time he makes a comment about how he is "helping you" by doing a tiny bit of parenting.

Yes, you are both under strain, but it is clearly the op carry the majority of the load, and it isn't OK.

If he isn't helping between midnight and 6.30 then I hope he is covering both nights solo at the weekends. I bet he isn't, though.

Plenty of dads manage to work and also act as a decent partner and dad, which includes having disturbed sleep.