New here. Need advice on whether to have a child or not. ADHD etc

[LudoBear]

Hi everyone,
I'm new to mumsnet.

I'm a 33 year old female asexual. I have ADHD and polycystic ovaries syndrome.

In order for me to have a baby I need to use sperm donor and to potentially have ivf as I don't ovulate very often. All this is absolutely fine, I can deal with that.

However, I have ADHD and wonder if I could even cope with a child especially as a single mum. I have my own mum and brother for support but no friends or other family.

My main concerns are..
I am incredibly disorganised. My house is a pig sty, clutter everywhere, I really struggle with housework and laundry.

I am not very patient. I want everything now, the world is going too slow for me.

My child is highly likely to have ADHD. I'm not sure how I or we would cope together.

However all I've ever wanted is to be a mummy.

I'm not currently on medication for ADHD as I've got actually been officially diagnosed yet, currently awaiting assessment. But I'm 99.9999% certain I've got it.

Would it be completely wrong of me to have a child when I've got ADHD?

Didn’t want to leave you with no replies, but I suspect you may not get many, because most of us know nothing about ADHD and very little about PCOS and it’s such a big decision so feels irresponsible to weigh in on.

That said, I’m going to give you the short answer: it would not be completely wrong of you. If all you’ve ever wanted is to have a child, then I suspect you’ll always regret it if you don’t at least try.

Here are some more random thoughts:

• IVF is expensive and doesn’t work every time. My failed attempt a few years back cost £6k, if I picked my favourite clinic it would have been £10k. So make sure you can afford it and decide how many attempts you’re willing to do before you go into it. And research clinics some are much better scientists than others.

• IVF involves a lotta drugs, so if you have mental health issues, ask how the drugs could affect you in particular.

• if you get prescribed something for ADHD then ask if it’s ok to take during IVF/pregnancy.

• messy house stuff doesn’t really matter but money does. Can you afford the time off work / childcare? If you’re seriously financially struggling, while also managing a newborn, as well as ADHD, then that is a recipe for depression. If you can eg afford a big chunk of time off work, a nice home, good childcare, and possibly also a cleaner for your home, then you’d probably be fine. It’s not fair but money makes a huge difference to whether or not motherhood goes well.

• You mention impatience. As I said I know nothing about ADHD. But it seems to me that children NEED patience. If you don’t have it, is it something you’re willing to pretend to have, over and over, for years, for the welbeing of your child? Can you learn to say “Oops never mind mind, try again?” a thousand times, and also put your child to bed over and over again in one night? (You don’t have to feel patient. You may be inwardly screaming “Just learn to sleep!!” But you do have to learn to pretend to be calm.)

Whatever you decide don’t ever feel apologetic for desiring a child, it’s the most primal urge there is. Best wishes and good luck.

I’d wait until you have a diagnosis. If you decide to have a child then you’re going to need to put coping strategies in place and once you get a diagnosis you’ll be able to access support that can help you with this. You need to be able to put the child first, their needs are priority. That includes needed a safe space that isn’t full of clutter and mess, especially once they’re crawling. Can you provide that? Like pp said, can you financially manage on your own?

For PCOS, have you spoken to a fertility clinic? There’s medication they can give you that can help with this and ovulation. I have PCOS and was given metformin which regulates my cycles and I conceived on the third month of taking it. PCOS doesn’t always mean IVF.

As someone recently diagnosed with ADHD I would get your diagnosis sorted first before anything else. I'm only a few months in but the coping strategies and medication have been very helpful.

As someone with ADHD I understand your desire to just do the things you want to do RIGHT NOW, but having a kid on your own is a long, tough process that you need to be really prepared for.

Honestly I don't think it's a good idea.

My DD has ADHD. I honestly couldn't see her being able to raise a child on her own. It would overwhelm her.

Like everyone else said wait for a diagnosis and try to put strategies in place first - otherwise it sounds like a potential recipe for disaster/PND.

YANBU for wanting a child - not at all - but your potential future child deserves a home that is calm, relatively clean and a mother who isn't losing it with impatience.

Best of luck whatever you decide

I’m raising two children diagnosed with adhd. I have self diagnosed asd and suspected adhd. It’s very very hard. I love them dearly but it is relentless. Both of mine are very fiery and have quite complex issues. My dh isn’t as helpful as I’d like but there is at least another adult which helps. I’d personally get your diagnosis and then see about medication if that’s a route you want to go down (both of my kids take medication) and see how things are then.

Do you think it would be a good idea? The desire to be a Mum is overwhelming for many but this decision shouldn’t be based on your needs it needs to be based on a potential future child’s. Would you feel ok if you thought up your child was suffering because you are disorganized or snappy with them? Lacking patience and wanting things done quickly don’t sound like good attributes to have around a child. TBH
Would you feel guilty if you felt your child wasn’t getting the best (or good enough) upbringing.
A messy house isn’t the end of the world but it isn’t great either.

You really need to think about what’s best (or ‘good enough’) for a child.
You can’t underestimate the amount of guilt and worry that can go hand in hand with raising kids.

I'm currently TTC and am autistic. It's highly likely that my child will be autistic but most of my family are and we all hold down high pressures jobs and own our own houses etc.

My house is also a pigsty but a large part of that is currently due to feeling so down about not conceiving (I had a miscarriage at the beginning of lockdown last year). I am determined to get the house ship shape if I conceive. I would not subject a child to my current chaos and I think it will motivate me to be better. It wouldn't be fair to bring a child into horrendous clutter so you need to be honest with yourself about whether you will cope. I want this more than anything and believe I can be a good mum.

Only you know tbh. Could you challenge yourself to organise yourself a bit? Look into advice for people with ADHD in regards to cleaning and planning. You do need to be able to keep a house clean and be organised enough to care for a baby.

I have ADHD (primarily inattentive) although I was only diagnosed and medicated when my eldest was diagnosed at 13. In all honesty it is hard -being a Mum with ADHD - but parenting is hard anyway & I only have my own experience to go by so I don’t know how overwhelming or exhausting it would have been for me if my brain was wired ‘normally’!). Also I wouldn’t change it for the world, I adore my kids & completeness of the love I have for them is impossible to describe, we have a good relationship and they are great kids.

On the flip side being a parent involved unimaginable levels of tedium, repetitive tasks, a responsibility to keep them and the environment they live in clean and sanitary, make sure they have clean clothes & what they need for school & to arrive where they need to be on time. You also need to be calm, consistent & patient throughout all that...which can feel like climbing a mountain every single day.

For me being medicated was life changing - suddenly so many of the things that I had struggled disproportionately with (like having a clean and tidy house, remembering appointments, sticking with things - from work projects to a new hobby...to jobs, relationships etc, patience, going at everything at a hundred miles an hour, being reckless, losing stuff...) just fell into place and became controlled - it’s by no means a magic wand, those tendencies and traits are still there but with awareness and some coping strategies it’s much easier to get through life without them ruining everything. I have no idea about medication and pregnancy - but I would recommend that you go down that route after pregnancy and breastfeeding if not sooner if it’s possible.

Lastly if you struggle with patience then consider how you would cope if you made the decision to go ahead with trying and it took a long time (due to pos, needing IVF etc or just because it does sometimes even if you are trying the traditional way). I was incredibly lucky in that I fell pregnant both times immediately, I have acknowledged that I would have really struggled with

(ah the irony of getting distracted & trailing off...). What I wanted to say is that would have struggled if it hadn’t have happened quickly.

Also I would suggest counselling prior to even considering any of this - having no friends is unusual as are other aspects of your situation, talking to someone about the reasons why you want a baby and whether you can meet their needs would be a good idea IMO? It would be a very intense environment for a child with just one parent, no friends around or supporting & just two other family members, especially if you did find it challenging.

skysblue what an insightful and thoughtful post.

DS has ADHD, he was an ivf baby. I often hope he won’t have children, despite that meaning I will never be a grandmother, he is too impatient and snaps at the slightest thing. He is also chaotic and messy. It wouldn’t be fair on a child (or partner who would have to do everything)

I want everything now, the world is going too slow for me

Watching a 3 year old repeated trying to tie shoelaces, whilst refusing all help, when you have exactly 30 seconds left to get out of the house calls for patience beyond belief
I totally understand the desperate need to have a baby but the IVF rollercoaster can be brutal and very expensive. As pp said, I think it would be best to have a diagnosis sorted first and go from there.

As other people have mentioned you shouldn’t even be thinking about this until you are on medication and get your life organised.
However the deeper issue is t

A lot of diverse people have had children around the world it is one of the beautiful things about the world So I think you having a child would be a beautiful thing. I would be scared if you had a condition like psychosis or schizophrenia as then there might be real problems but with a condition like ADHD that you are managing there are lots of positive reasons to have a child. I have two SN children myself and I would be very sad if they decided to not have children due to their disabilities.

Nobody can tell someone whether they should or shouldn’t have a child, but from the sound of it it will be very very hard work for you. If you still want to, try and plan ahead as much as possible and be prepared.

@WhoStoleMyCheese

As other people have mentioned you shouldn’t even be thinking about this until you are on medication and get your life organised. However the deeper issue is t

damn my screen Raising a child even with two parents is lots of effort. You need to be able to pay significant amounts of attention to the child and have an incredible amount of self-control/patience. If you have nobody to take the burden off or vent to this is hard - so a double issue for you if you don't have much if a support network. Furthermore how stable are you in your career - how will you care for the child if you lose your job or something happens to you?

A child is a 20 year commitment. Having one just because you 'want one' or feel lonely is a bad idea. Yes, a lot of people want children because the love of a small child is unconditional and warms your heart. However your whole life will change to prioritise the child's needs. Not just in terms of needing to feed,clean and care for them but the emotional watchfulness. Listening to what they say, drawing them out when something is wrong etc. It's a whole other level... most people have never ever been that close to another human being to that degree, not even their husbands

I think you'd struggle and be overwhelmed.

Hm. One of the many things children need is patience. And a willingness to do the things they want to do, however repetitive, over and over again, with renewed vigour and relish. So many parenting key functions rely on this well of unceasing patience; soothing an angry child, putting to bed for the umpteenth time, gentle insistence on following instructions; all require you to exude supreme patience and forbearance, and it's hard.
My DC's dad is occasionally impatient and a bit 'speedy'. Not much, not regularly. DC still literally flinch as they hate the implication that they're slow, boring or dawdling.

I have ADHD, I didn't know this when I had my son, but before I fell pregnant I never wanted children. For this reason I think I would have changed my decision to have a child if I'd known. I will give you some info on my experience. My son (6) was diagnosed with ADHD and when I was discussing the possible causes with his consultant (knew nothing about it other than the stereotype of naughty boys!) I found out that the mental health condition I was diagnosed with years before is commonly misdiagnosed in women with ADHD. Low and behold, after assessment and therapy I actually have ADHD too. I can't lie, my life is fucking hard. As I said, because I was never broody before being pregnant I think I would have changed my mind had I had all the info and been able to understand how difficult it would be, but if you think you won't get over not having children and you really really want it and are willing to put the work in (and that includes on yourself and supporting your child if they do have ADHD too) then I would do it. Make sure you have good support systems in place and re IVF (I don't have first hand experience but have family who have) be prepared for disappointment. Your support system will be key for this. Like all parents, you will feel like a failure. All of this will be amplified because of your condition. It does not make you a bad parent. You will make mistakes. Reflecting on your behaviour is important, apologising when you get things wrong is important. Looking after your mental health is the most important and you must make sure you can prioritise your child, I'm assuming that as you're using a donor you don't have a partner, so that means you really must consider whether you can ignore everything else when your child needs you to. Some days I feel like I can't but I have to. I HAVE to get through the executive dysfunction or my child will suffer - but it doesn't have to be perfect. Some days feeding us and cleaning us and making sure we're not covered in literal rubbish is a task but I have to do it and if that's all I can do I have to accept it and try again the next day - but my son is safe, clean, fed, warm and loved. I'm glad I had my son. It's worth it. I hope this helps a bit, I don't mean to overwhelm you. Good luck x

StellaDentrite has written some very wise words

The desire to be a Mum is overwhelming for many but this decision shouldn’t be based on your needs it needs to be based on a potential future child’s. Would you feel ok if you thought up your child was suffering because you are disorganized or snappy with them? Lacking patience and wanting things done quickly don’t sound like good attributes to have around a child. TBH
Would you feel guilty if you felt your child wasn’t getting the best (or good enough) upbringing.
A messy house isn’t the end of the world but it isn’t great either.
You really need to think about what’s best (or ‘good enough’) for a child.

I have very probably have ASD (pre-diagnosis and ADHD questioned), only diagnosed after I had children (at least one has ASD + ADHD).

I was completely focussed on having a child too... but the reality has been incredibly, incredibly hard and pushed me beyond my limits (to the point of making me ill)... and that is with a loving and very supportive and hands on partner.

I think you need to unpack your need to have a child, and be brutally honest about your current and future ability to fully provide for them in all the ways they need, over a very long period of time. Especially without very present support from another adult.

I am sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but I wish I had done this before I had children.

Sorry I thought of more I wanted to add after reading other replies! I understand my son a lot better, even though we don't have the same symptoms and struggles and this means I can advocate for him better. My fighting is the only reason he has his diagnosis so early and I think it's because even though I didn't know I also had it I had personally never felt listened to and I knew how he was feeling. I can teach him as he grows ways I found to cope and get around some of our common struggles. That is one benefit of us both having it.

Also re patience I completely understand - as a parent you have to though. You and I won't struggle with this in exactly the same ways but it's common in ADHD so I'll share more about what I personally do again. Before getting support I used to snap at my son a lot but I now make a conscious effort not to and understand why I have gotten frustrated in the same way I try to understand why he is frustrated sometimes, and on the rare occasion I have snapped I always explain why I have gotten frustrated and how we can both do things differently to avoid it in the future. I try to get to the root of the problem and never say 'because I said so' or 'because I'm the adult's - there is always a reason. It may be his 'fault', there may be underlying issues. I might just have a lot on that day. It's always worth talking it through though when they're old enough of course. There are some things that come with kids that just can't be solved though. I have to grit my teeth and bare it frankly. Once you have your full diagnosis hopefully you will have some support in learning healthy and reliable coping and 'letting frustration out' methods.

I have suspected ADHD (awaiting full assessment but GP is pretty sure)… my two are 2 and 3 now, so had them before I was aware why I was so chaotic and struggled with seemingly simple stuff all my life. I'd say you don't need to wait for diagnosis, I guess just research and try get some strategies in place for things you struggle with. Our house is chaos - we try our best to get things organised (suspect oh has ADHD too) but then the toddlers come along and boom! Looks like an explosion in a toy shop. One thing I really struggle with is excess noise and it becoming overwhelming - it's difficult, but it's something I'm learning to manage through reflecting on what works and what doesn't. I think risking passing it down to your kids shouldn't be too concerning - being aware of it so you can pick up on it and help them develop their own skills and abilities is all you can do. We never really know what we're passing down, but knowing we might have something genetic means we're better equipt if it does pass down a generation to help