Do I need to get him to self settle?

[jollybobs89]

Hello,

So 10 month old DS can't get himself to sleep without being rocked!

AIBU to think that I need to get him to learn to self soothe now? He doesn't sleep great at night up 2/3 times usually has a bottle still! I've got a toddler so I am trying to prevent her from waking.

I did a bit of CIO last night kept going in every 5/10 mins and eventually he settled himself back to sleep but it took a while!

I've just put him down in his cot for afternoon nap and he's literally doing everything but lie down! He's shattered normally I would rock him but he's getting quite heavy and with a toddler in tow it's not always ideal?

Or is it a case of just suck it up till he grows out of it xx. Any advice welcomed please be nice very tired 🤣

DS wasn’t self settling at 10 months and some nights it was taking an hour to rock him to sleep
Then one night he started wriggling to get away from me so I just put him in the cot and left him to it (he cried for approx 12 seconds then went straight to sleep!)

So what I’m saying is, for us anecdotally he did it when he was ready it wasn’t something we found we could teach

Self-settling is developmental - it's not something you can teach, it just happens when they're ready to do it. Ten months is quite often a bad time for sleep, there's a major regression at 8-10 months, and waking 2-3 times at that age is very normal.

I would really recommend the Facebook group The Beyond Sleep Training Project for evidence-based advice and support on normal childhood sleep patterns. We did safe cosleeping with ours which helped to maximise all of our rest.

I did what you’re doing for all three of mine and it worked brilliantly. Took a couple of days and then they all slept much better at night. Naps took a little longer but it was worth it. Is he in a good solid routine so you can be sure that he’s tired/ not over tired/ not hungry?

My DD was the same and I used the shush pat method to get her used to falling asleep in the cot and then once she was used to that decreased how long I did that for until she could fall asleep by herself. It’s a personal choice; I was panicking about being exhausted going back to work so decided to give it a try. My DS has didn’t respond to that method and we ended up doing a controlled crying method but he was getting up 5/6 times a night so I was getting quite desperate

We bought several jelly cat cordy soft soother toys. They are small miracles!

Ds 9 months, still wakes 3+ times overnight. But he now falls asleep at bedtime alone with soother toy, and naps he does in pram but again with soother. Way better than having to rock him in arms every time anyway.

@DorotheaHomeAlone yeah he's in a good routine with meals and feeds still and even nap /bed times!

Well just took me half hour for him to go sleep on his own not too many tears either! Which I guess is not bad going for first nap time!

@user1493413286 I've tried the bum pat shush etc that seems to help a little I think it's more because he can see me so he gets more distressed if I'm there.

I've got work looming as well! I've got a 2 year old that likes to sneak into our bed in the middle of the night so I've got that plus this little monkey so I'm close to the edge hahaha so I've thought right this week I'm going for it!

No. Self settling, and all sleep, is developmental. He will get there when he's ready.
CIO is cruel and I don't give a shiny shit how many people will come back and tell me it worked for their child. No. All you're doing is ignoring your child's needs at night because it isn't convenient for you. Would you not comfort them in the day because they were upset because they need to learn to calm themselves down.
Do yourself and your ds a favour and join the Beyond sleep training group mentioned above

Following! I’m in the same position and going back to work next month😩
Last night we tried to CIO - lasted 8 min until she threw up everywhere because she was so worked up. She then woke at 12am and I was adamant not to put her in bed with us and she was still awake at 3am 😢

Sending prayers for us both 😂

My dd is 2 (25 month) and still cannot self settle. She is developmentally delayed, so I'm unsure if that's why, but I don't mind. She'll do it when she's ready, and I'm not going to rush her into anything.

@WombatStewForTea

No. Self settling, and all sleep, is developmental. He will get there when he's ready. CIO is cruel and I don't give a shiny shit how many people will come back and tell me it worked for their child. No. All you're doing is ignoring your child's needs at night because it isn't convenient for you. Would you not comfort them in the day because they were upset because they need to learn to calm themselves down. Do yourself and your ds a favour and join the Beyond sleep training group mentioned above

I absolutely agree with this. They don't learn to self soothe, they just learn that their carers aren't coming when they cry. It's been proven that CIO can have negative impacts on a child's mental health, I can't imagine why anybody still thinks it has a place in modern society.

Of course you don't. He's a baby - he's meant to be held and comforted by his caregivers.

@WombatStewForTea it's not a case of it's not convenient for me it's a case of I need sleep to be able to provide a good level of care for my two children the next day during lockdown with no one else to help.

Lots of nonsense on this thread. There is zero evidence that cc harms kids in any way but plenty of evidence that lack of sleep can affect your mental health adversely. As long as you are consistently meeting your child’s emotional needs during the day they will form a secure attachment. I’m very glad I ignored the hysterical ‘all sleep training is evil brigade’. All of my kids sleep well and are happy, secure little people.

My DS doesn't self settle at 22 months. His dad puts him to bed and lies next to the cot while he falls asleep, usually takes 30 mins. Not for everyone but its our routine and works for us.

When I say my 9 month old now self settles at naps and bedtime with soother toy, that’s not with cio. I sit on our bed within view of the cot whilst he falls asleep at night, and push the pram with him facing me until he sleeps. He isn’t crying. If he cry’s I pick him up. But without the soother toys he needs to be fully rocked to sleep in my arms.

I feed my DD to bed (18 month) give her a bit of a cuddle and song then put her down and she will self settle.
But I agree it's not something you can teach. I tried your method of putting her straight down. Bit of a cry, go back in etc etc..
It just never worked. She eventually started to get frustrated in my arms. Put her straight down and she slept.
I think 10 months is still quite young. It'll just happen, but there is no harm in trying that you are doing.

As for waking in the night. My daughter used to wake an have an oz! Used to drive me nuts so then I just give her a dummy and took a week of perseverance and it stopped.
Good luck. Being a mummy and hoping for a decent night sleep is hard! Couldn't imagine having a toddler too.

Lots of people will jump on you now for child abuse. Reality is a little bit of crying will do no harm at all. You are teaching him that he can have a bit of independence and he does t need rocking to sleep. You can't look after two young children when you are not getting enough sleep yourself so you are actually doing this for his benefit as much as yours. Just keep popping back to reasure and he will eventually realise he can get himself to sleep and you are still there ! Good luck.

Sleep trained mine around the same age and it's been an absolute game changer. I didn't feel comfortable doing it any earlier but, like others have said, it got to the point where he was uncomfortable being held and would thrash around in my arms. I don't believe for a second that a crying baby in the cot is any worse off than a crying baby in my arms.

You are teaching him that he can have a bit of independence He is TEN MONTHS old.

@CharlieB93

Following! I’m in the same position and going back to work next month😩 Last night we tried to CIO - lasted 8 min until she threw up everywhere because she was so worked up. She then woke at 12am and I was adamant not to put her in bed with us and she was still awake at 3am 😢

Sending prayers for us both 😂

Oh, your poor baby. That's really sad. She must feel so scared and confused.

Self soothing is a myth. It would mean that your baby is able to regulate their emotions but they are unable to do that until years later. Depending on your baby’s personality, they’ll either accept no one is coming to them when they cry and give up but some babies take longer to accept this and will cry for hours and days until they’ve ‘learned to self sooth’. It’s so sad. The science does not stack up even though even though this is common advice. Drove me mad when I felt like I was failing at achieving this.

I would recommend Sarah Ockwell Smith’s books or the BASIS website which is all about the science behind infant sleep. I personally found lots of helpful practical tips from Sarah Ockwell Smith because I do completely understand it’s such a challenging thing to go through and being sleep deprived is awful.

I hope you can get some help and that things get better soon for you.

@WineInTheWillows I know I feel terrible. Last night was SO much better. We sacked off the CIO method and set up a chair next to her cot, fed cuddled and put her down, she got up a few times but eventually settled with me holding her hand (took about 15 minutes total) and she slept until 3am without waking!!!

My DD couldn't self settle until she was 3, it wasn't a major issue. I think lots of people like to tell you it is an issue but it's not. The time goes so quickly. Now at 5 she reads herself to sleep and no doubt in a few years she'll be instagramming herself to sleep or whatever teenagers do

[quote CharlieB93]@WineInTheWillows I know I feel terrible. Last night was SO much better. We sacked off the CIO method and set up a chair next to her cot, fed cuddled and put her down, she got up a few times but eventually settled with me holding her hand (took about 15 minutes total) and she slept until 3am without waking!!![/quote]
I'm so glad it's going better and that you dismissed the cry-it-out thing.