To find this condescending and a little patronising?

[24butfeeling80]

I don’t know if IABU tbh but then I feel like
DP has turned it around to make me feel like I’m upset over nothing.

In the last few months DP has started answering me weird in certain situations that makes me feel like he’s being condescending/patronising.

The first time he did it I immediately just felt irritated by the way he spoke to me but gave him the benefit of the doubt, then it happens again weeks later and I called him out and said it sounded quite condescending can he please stop and just answer me normally.

He did it again last night and that with the fact he sat on his arse when he was meant to help me do something has got me in a foul mood.

So we woke this morning and had the argument and I told him I was upset because he speaks to me with a weirdly shitty attitude that I’ve told him before I don’t like and I feel like he does it to get a reaction.

So I’ll try and explain the best I can but written down it just sounds like a normal conversation- maybe it’s the time?

I asked him to help me declutter the upstairs of the house; the nursery was a mess, our bedroom has been neglected since Christmas and needed sorting. Anyway; he objected and said he would tidy DD toys downstairs. I said “no that’s not important she’s playing, this needs to get done upstairs please. I just want to get the whole house sorted”

His reply was “I just want to get the whole house sorted” - now my issue lies in the fact he said it in the same tone/way I said it.. but does acknowledge the fact I’ve asked? Like it’s his idea.. like he’s telling me he wants it done and I’m the one objecting? He claims he’s agreeing with me but the tone and the lack of ‘me too/yeah/same/okay/I agree/aswell’ there are no words of agreement he just says it right backgammon me as if I haven’t just said it and it’s his idea and I’m the one who doesn’t want to get it done.

It absolutely riles me and this morning he’s told me I’m being stupid and that he wasn’t being condescending and that he was simply agreeing. I explained it’s the way he does it and I’ve told him before about it - he claims I haven’t ever mentioned it and then when I explained in details what I didn’t like about it he spewed a “maybe I have something wrong with my speech” what?!

Now I’m open to being told IABU because it might just be hormones (came in yesterday and we’ve been trying for our second baby so a little sensitive that I’m clearly not pregnant another month)

We don’t argue often at all; when we do have W disagreement we both end up getting it off our chest, saying sorry and moving on. But I just shoo’ed him off to work this morning as needed to get DD1 to nursery and it left me with a sour taste to sit in all day until he gets home. I will apologise when he gets home as I don’t believe in drawing things out longer than they need to but also I just want to know if I’m being silly or am valid for feeling like he’s being patronising?

Sorry for the long post

Why will you apologise?

To me it sounded like he point blank refused to help you sort the kid’s toys, bargained by offering to do a non-job that didn’t need doing then mocked you by imitating you.

I don't know if I'd use the same words you did to describe it but it definitely would irritate me too.

If it's a new thing you need to object hard and loud and consistently. Don't let it become a permanent thing. Don't apologise. Don't let up.

I think there's more to this change in attitude from your DH.

Are you sure he really wants this 2nd baby? And are you sure you do?

It seems to me he isn't sharing tasks at home as it is, so what will it be like when you have another one?

You need to talk to him about this.

And whatever you do don't apologise for your feelings. He needs to apologise for calling you 'stupid'.

TBH, if my DP started dictating what was and wasn't important to tidy I'd think she was being quite rude.

I could be wrong, but I suspect you're just rubbing each other up the wrong way.

Depends on his intention really. Was he mocking you? If my husband said back to me a statement I had just made, as if it were his idea, I would just say, ‘I’m glad we are in agreement’ or ‘I’m glad you agree with me on that’ or something.
Had he previously agreed to tidy with you? I get a bit frustrated with my dh when he suddenly announces we are doing a job together, when we hadn’tdiscussed it beforehand.

It sounds unusual to repeat back to you what you said but I don't see it as condescending or patronising. He doesn't seem to be coming across as thinking he is superior to you or talking down to you.

If you are saying he is mimicking you then that can be an unpleasant thing to do though. What kind of tone is it? Is he mimicking you because he regards you as talking in a whingey whiney manner and he is annoyed by your tone?

If he is just saying it without sneering, then he maybe right - it may just be something wrong with his speech.

@AnitaB888

He does do a lot around the house and isn’t really a lazy person. I’ll give credit where credit is due of course. He does a lot of the clothes washing, and if I cook he cleans and vice versa. He does his share with DD and is generally very supporting.

Thing like this do only crop up once in a blue moon and this new ‘agreeing’ thing he’s doing has only started recently.

Are we sure we want the 2nd baby? Absolutely not! I had a pretty traumatic first pregnancy and c section. DD was poorly and my recovery was hard and affected my mental health quite bad. But we both wanted a relatively close age gap between the kids so I do want one now, and so does he. But I’m not exactly ‘excited’ to go through it all again. I’m scared of complications again.

But other than that yes, we both want another baby. Obviously now this has cropped up again and is still an issue I’d like to get it sorted as I don’t want it turning into a regular thing and then start bickering in front of DD. We both promise not to get shitty in front of her and we both try and talk through our disagreements instead of full blown arguing. Hence why I’ll apologise when he’s home - once we’ve both cooled off from this morning I can say “I’m sorry I shouted this morning but my point is valid and I’d like you to start thinking about how your saying things to me before you actually say them” and he’ll apologise and ask me not to be a hormonal cow again (probably )

I suspect his point was that if you want to get the whole house sorted then it doesn't matter if you do one place and he does another.

You were obviously there and could hear tone, but I could see it from either side. He could have been agreeing or he could have been trying to make out it was his idea to sort the whole house and not just your bedroom and you were wrong.

@Thingsthatgo yes we had agreed to tidy the day before we both were in the bedroom and agreed that it had been neglected way too long. I asked if he was doing any side work on Sunday and if not we’d get up and just have a good decluttering rampage of the nursery and bedroom. He agreed then and was happy that it would finally get sorted (he does hate mess)

But then the morning came and I suggested we get started on the nursery to which he then said he was going to ‘put DD toys away’ - which she was splaying with in the room at the time so there was absolutely no point- she’s one, when she sees you putting toys in the box she tips them back out besides the fact it was keeping her busy while we tidied upstairs. I just didn’t understand the logic.

For the record (and why I can’t decide if IABU or not- he’s not ‘mocking’ me or repeating what I say in a whiney voice to suggest that I was whining ect. He literally just repeated exactly what I’ve said in a monotone way like I haven’t already said it. It’s so hard to explain but I guess there’s a ‘tone’ when agreeing with someone on something but he literally says it like I just haven’t?

I asked him to help me declutter the upstairs of the house; the nursery was a mess, our bedroom has been neglected since Christmas and needed sorting. Anyway; he objected and said he would tidy DD toys downstairs. I said “no that’s not important she’s playing, this needs to get done upstairs please. I just want to get the whole house sorted”
Sorry but that sounds incredibly bossy like you're talking to a child. I want do.tou should obey.

I wouldn't respond well either if my OH talked to me like that.

I just didn’t understand the logic.

Well, say that then? Could be he was assuming he'd tidy up DD's toys with a view to taking her upstairs with the two of you so you could both keep an eye while you tidied; I'd find that more efficient than leaving a one year old playing downstairs alone, because of the amount of time you'd spend nipping back to check on her.

@SarahAndQuack I suggested having her in the nursery while we sorted her room and it was his suggestion to leave her downstairs so it’s not that.

This tends to be a thing when the bedroom becomes messy he disappears off to do ‘other jobs’ even though I’ve asked for help. I think it’s purely that he doesn’t like tidying the bedroom. But neither do I so it’s just easier if we both chip in and get it done but it always seems to be me doing it and sorting everything.

Bit you don't ask for help, you seem to order it.

Why is it a regular task? Surely if it is tidied daily, you wouldn't need a big tidy up?

He mocked you by mimicking you. I hate that. It’s red flag to a bull for me.

I cannot really understand what you mean from that conversation, but I think the way you spoke to him was worse.

Honestly, it just sounds as if you both spoke a bit rudely to each other and you're getting bogged down in both feeling fed up.

Speaking as someone in a stable marriage with 4 children and almost 25 years behind us - I think you are being unreasonable.

What you decide is not "right" just because you say it is (the opposite is also true). As long as you have a start point of equal and respectful share of work, you have to be tolerant of ways you don't agree with.

• he maybe didn't want to start on the nursery at that moment. Maybe he was watching something in tv or just felt lacking in motivation? Just cos you're motivated doesn't mean he will be. Just like sometimes you feel unmotivated and he might do stuff while you don't.

• if I'm tidying a child's bedroom, first job is always collate all the clutter from elsewhere and deposit in the bedroom to be tidied away. So tidying the nursery would start with tidying/sorting downstairs toys, according to my logic. My (Or your DH) logic not wrong or of less value than yours.

• you wanted to sort the whole house. He is, just downstairs. Assuming you have trust and mutual respect that he won't laze around while you slave away, can't you trust him to be working on the same end-goal as you, but not the same room.

• DH and I would achieve more taking fill control/responsibility for one room/job, rather than sharing responsibility of one room together. Maybe you do nursery and he does all of downstairs and the bathroom, for example

• if the issue is procrastination, call it out in a factual and non-shitty way. "Are you procrastinating? I know it's a crap job and you might not be feeling it, but we did agree to sorting the nursery". Then listen to his reply. Because he might think any of the above and so be equally as engaged as you are without being in the nursery with you.

HTH

It’s just possible that he genuinely echoes without meaning to. I have two friends who do that without even realizing it - usually just the end of the sentence but sometimes the whole thing. I find it very disconcerting, like talking to someone on the phone and getting an echo of your own voice.

You can't safely leave a one year old alone downstairs while you tidy up upstairs. It's not safe for your daughter.

Also I'm not sure having another baby now, when you're still obviously processing your first experience is a good idea, just for the sake of a close age gap. If you wait another year, they'll still be close in age but maybe you'll be in a better mindspace about it (counselling helped me).

Re your argument. It's really hard to tell as we weren't there. I mean, it's possible he felt you were being too bossy, dictating what he does when. I don't know.

I'd suggest writing a to do list for this week. Both write down tasks and initials who's going to do what next to them. And agree it all gets done by the end of next weekend for example.

Missing the point but surely your not leaving a one year old downstairs unsupervised for any length of time ...

What l heard was, you asked for help with house work and he didn't help. Actions speak louder than words. He should have got stuck into the tasks with you. It would be done now, instead of this confusing, maybe gaslighting, argument.

To the people thinking I was demanding he do what I want - he wanted to get upstairs tidy too, he hates it being a mess.. he just doesn’t want to help.

He was happy enough the day before to ‘get up in the morning and start sorting it out’ but when it actually came to doing it and he said he would help me, why did me asking for him to help me upstairs be deemed as bossy?

There is no reason to tidy up toys that DD is currently playing with, he knows that it was just a blatant excuse to just not help me with what needed to be done after he said he would.

Every time he suggests that the nursery, bathroom or bedroom could do with a tidy and I suggest a time we’re both free to do it (like yesterday) he agrees and then when it boils down to actually doing the job he ends up faffing somewhere else.

I asked for help for something that he wanted doing too, he said he would help me.. and then he didn’t help me and I was left cleaning up our mess by myself while he sat downstairs.

That’s like me asking him to cook dinner if I clean the kitchen afterwards, then leaving him to clean it too. We both live here it’s not just my clutter that needs sorting.

@Potentialscrooge you have missed the point, shes one.. she’s basically an adult. I’ve started letting her boil the kettle and use a chip pan I’m sure time in the living room playing with her toys won’t hurt. (On a serious note we have baby proofed the lounge and have a camera set up in there so it’s no different than leaving her in her room to play while I shower, or sleeping over night- we still watch her from the monitor

I said “no that’s not important she’s playing, this needs to get done upstairs please. I just want to get the whole house sorted”

I wouldn't be at all happy if a partner spoke to me like that. I think you need to look at your own behaviour before criticising his!

@ZoeTurtle it wasn’t said in a bossy way- I was trying to keep it short for the OP.

Even DP hasn’t said I’ve been bossy or demanding and none of our argument was even about tidying up- it was about the way he spoke to me.

@24butfeeling80 lol thanks for clarifying. Thought I would mention as lady on here the other said she was leaving her toddler in front of the TV free to roam the house whilst she had a shower and was asking was she unreasonable as her husband found out and said was unsafe... it was a deffo YABU. I often leave DS in his cot with toys and monitor on and go off to the other room to get dressed etc as he’s contained and safe and that allows me to get dressed/ have a wee/ slap concealer on. He’s only just 13 months, I wonder when you stop doing that ...

Sorry I’m hijacking the threat. But on your post I think you are right. If it feels condescending then it probs is, he agreed to do it then couldn’t be arsed so tried to make it be your problem. Regardless if he says he wasn’t trying to be patronising he needs to look at how he’s saying it as obviously upsetting you.