To not want to tell my male boss about my IVF

[hop27]

Round 4 of iVF first round in my current job. Recently promoted into a very senior role. Prior to my promotion lots of conversations around if I was 100% committed and in for a big year etc.
I've just collected my IVF drugs and plan to start stims on Thursday. AIBU to not tell him? I think it could possibly hamper my chances, however he wants me to travel in the next few weeks and I'm worried about a potential diary class. Help !

If you think you're not going to be able to do the job that he wants or you'll need time off then you're probably better telling him. Yes you dont have to tell him your private medical information but you're going to have to have a reasonable excuse if you dont want him to think you're just taking the piss.

Don't tell him
Know so Kant women made redundant / bumped off/ sacked once back due to park regency and maternity

Do not be naive

Headaches and vague monthly problems or back problems are a good cover

All he will care about is results and if it's a high powered job with stress on him you have to be realistic about that

I've been made redundant twice while pregnant, and twice once back. I have 3 children and each time around 50% women I know ended up out against their wills

Look at pregnant then screwed. Life isn't Disney. Be realistic. If you can afford to support yourself then ignore this advice

Book out your diary, let his PA know you have a minor medical procedure and will be wfh that week. Suggest dates for the travel and be proactive.

I would keep it quiet if I could too to be honest.

Don't tell him. The 100% committed conversation is his way of saying "you're not going to have a baby this year are you?". He can't say it outright because it's illegal but that doesn't mean he won't try to push you out

Keep quiet. You've done three rounds before so you know what's coming. When I had my 4 cycles I had a day off for EC (but probably could have done a few hours from home if needed) and the took a long lunch for ET. So it really wasn't that disruptive. I think I took the EC days as leave.

I’ve told my boss who’s male.
I need to do multiple ivf rounds and also have a senior job. It wasn’t realistic to keep going awol every couple of months ! That would make me look even more unprofessional.I take holiday so I’m not taking the piss. Life happens and as long as you’re doing a good job the rest of the time , he should be understanding. You can actually take it as sick leave I read as similar to other medical issues /appointments. I never wanted to take that route .

I wouldn't say anything because if I was having unprotected sex with my husband I wouldn't tell my boss. It is my private life. Although with IVF I think there might be times that you need off I think it was a good idea of a previous poster to use some holiday days if you need it so you don't look unprofessional.

Difficult choice. The IVF at least in my case was a difficult stage with having pregnancy symptoms while on medication. This could lower your performance. However, your boss could not be sympathetic towards IVF and be judgmental towards your commitment. I worked in Catholic school when undergoing IVF. I didn't tell the head and eventually took time of and covered it with back pain. In the end my contract was not extended. I didn't mind it at the time as I got pregnant and have my smart and beautiful DD.

Don't tell him. There are some exceptions, but generally you will almost certainly face at least a mild form of discrimination. Horrible, but true

I wouldn't say anything. See how it goes. Unfortunately if you've had 3 unsuccessful rounds (I'm sorry, must be very heartbreaking) then you know there's a chance this may not work too. So there's no point turning down a good job on a possibility.

If it works (fingers crossed) then you still don't have to tell him it was IVF. Just say it was unexpected and leave it at that.

The only issue is travelling whilst undergoing IVF. I would delay IVF by a few weeks if possible to avoid the clash, that way you don't have to say anything.

Good luck, I hope this is it for you.

I'm doing round 4 of ivf at the moment too. My work already knows but you're in a different position. I think I'd say medical treatment/procedure and just tell them any more than that. Good luck

Correction to my previous post

I think it depends - if this is your last ivf , there’s probably no point telling him. For my first ivf, I just took hols.
You have the issue of meetings he wants you to go to, however. You could make up a lie to take time off sick or get him to move the travel to another date by convincing him of a good reason ( more research needed before going etc)
However, if it’s going to be a couple more attempts in succession, it’s probably best to be honest and take holiday to ease the strain on the business. I’ve never advertised I was trying to get pregnant before obviously but in this situation I wanted to take the pressure off and remove the stress of lying etc when I’m having to do multiple attempts

@silverfonze

Don't tell him Know so Kant women made redundant / bumped off/ sacked once back due to park regency and maternity

Do not be naive

Headaches and vague monthly problems or back problems are a good cover

All he will care about is results and if it's a high powered job with stress on him you have to be realistic about that

I've been made redundant twice while pregnant, and twice once back. I have 3 children and each time around 50% women I know ended up out against their wills

Look at pregnant then screwed. Life isn't Disney. Be realistic. If you can afford to support yourself then ignore this advice

This !

@BilboBercow

Don't tell him. The 100% committed conversation is his way of saying "you're not going to have a baby this year are you?". He can't say it outright because it's illegal but that doesn't mean he won't try to push you out

Absolutely this. Been there seen that movie, was put at risk (by female boss) at first available opportunity.

Best of luck with the ivf. If you do say anything, put it in writing to HR

It was my female boss that was a nightmare with my first round. My male boss was amazing. So I'm not sure that bit is relevant. I'd say keep it as quiet as you can though at this stage and very best of luck to you

Another don’t tell. There is 0 upside to telling him apart from not having to explain a diary clash/ missing a meeting or 2.

At best he is wondering when you are going to get pregnant and be delighted for you but more likely he will question your commitment / if it doesn’t work out you will have to tell him AND he will question your commitment.
And you can travel with IVF- there are a handful of days to avoid but workable. I’ve done it. You can even get your clinic to give you a letter to transport the drugs on planes

Don’t tell. I had two rounds of ivf and didn’t say anything either time.

Good luck op.

I didn’t mention anything to mine with 4 rounds and 2 FETs - just managed to arrange spots around work/ took holiday and did have time off for a “minor procedure”.
Personally I’d keep quiet if you’re able to.

*appts not spots!!!

Don't tell.

For all the reasons pp have.

What about the impact on your career if it's unsuccessful? (And I really hope that it is successful)

Its illegal to discriminate against women for pregnancy and children, so if he decides he wants you out how do you think he'll go about it? By making your job unbearable.

You'll be able to prove to him having children doesn't effect your ability to do your job. He wouldn't discriminate against a father.

Never disclose to anyone at work you've had IVF.

Good luck op, wishing you all the best!

*have said

Don’t tell him. It’s none of his business and there’s no benefit to you.

Is commitment one of those things that becomes more elusive the more you ask if it’s there..

I’m guessing you have stacks of skills and experiences that he’s already drawing on.

Please please please don’t tell. I kept my first round quiet but cried on the phone to boss when I found out it failed and needed a couple of days to get my head together - wish I’d said I had a sickness bug or something! I was put at risk two months later and made redundant.

Very easy to manage - announce you’re having a medical procedure, you won’t be able to travel for xx days and won’t be contactable/working for this time to this time. If he asks what procedure (bet he won’t due to HR protocol and confidentiality/discrimination fears) just say you’d rather not share. That’s what I did for my surgery after my miscarriage and of course people sense if you haven’t told them what the surgery is for that you want to keep it private so won’t ask. I certainly wouldn’t declare I was having ivf due to career/promotion/perception implications others are mentioning - there’s the above easy way to manage the need to not travel or miss some meetings without being 100% transparent.

I'm remembering my boss at the time insisted on seeing appointment letters staying the date and time of the appointment as 'proof' so I had no choice but to tell her. Brings me out in a cold sweat thinking back to that time!