To not smell my daughter's armpits?

[RoseMartha]

This is a bit silly and lighthearted. But annoying at the same time. 🙄

My daughter had a bath with bath stuff in but did not use soap etc to wash herself, then when she got out wanted me to smell right in her armpits.

I said no.

She thinks I was unreasonable.

I told her it was unreasonable to expect me to smell a teenagers armpits.

And when she sits next to me I can smell them from there, especially as she hardly ever uses deodorant. (She has asd and issues with using deodorant and soap etc as doesnt like the feel of it). She does not care if she smells sweaty.

I told her that if I posted this on the internet I didnt think many people would think I should go right up to her armpits and smell them.

So here goes ... 🙂

I wouldn't

My dd is nearly 10 and smells of sweat if she doesn’t use anti p. I’ve had conversations with her from a young age about keeping clean and fresh and it’s nonnegotiable in my opinion and luckily she is spotless.

I say this as someone who has ADHD and sensory issues and a son with ASD. There are things in life like brushing teeth, not smelling that are really important. Other things not so much.

I sniff both of mine ( ds is 17 and also spotless ) and have no issue with it. They’re my kids. I think she may have wanted to show you she is clean enough. It’s hard being a teenager as it is so I would really insist she uses some form of anti p; whatever she is most comfortable with. Other kids can be bloody cruel.

Haha! SNAP... my DS11 just got out of the bath after using a load of bath bits I bought him for Xmas... made me sniff his neck, his tummy and his feet because he had used 3 different types of body butter... I did oblige by having a sniff! 🤣

For what reason is she asking you to do it? You said she doesn’t care if she smells, maybe this is changing?
Given her ASD, I’d be looking at ways to address the situation for the comfort of all concerned. We had similar issues here. It was a constant battle, an embarrassing one at times when we were out in public and I could easily smell them. It’s mostly resolved now (it took a long time) but thankfully the multiple washes/binning of clothing are at an end!

In answer to your initial question, yes, I’d happily sniff test a DC if asked, I’d probably do the same for any family member or close friend.

Salt of the Earth crystal deodorant is great, as it’s basically just like applying water, unscented, leaves no residue, can’t even feel you’ve applied anything

I made my daughter cry tonight because she didn't want to shower but quite frankly, she stunk. I had to be quite blunt in the end and explain that now she was 11 she will have to shower and wash her hair more than ever before. Her greasy hair smells terrible.
She didn't want to shower and said the smell didn't bother her. I had to tell her that as she lives in a house with 4 other people, it's not her choice and whilst I don't need her to be smothered in perfume, she needs to be clean. Basic rules of living in a society.

So OP, I too would have refused to
Smell anyone's armpits. I would also be unhappy at a reluctance to use cleaning products like basic soap and deodorants. There are millions on the market catering to all different requirements like organic, odour free, vegan, no feel, no residue etc..

This reminds me of almost 30 years ago. It was time for our school year's Work experience week. The teacher stood at the front of the assembly and told us that washing was a requirement for work experience. The room laughed. She said no, I am serious. Please wash. And use deodorant. She then recounted a story of an employer calling once asking her to come speak to the pupil working there. The pupil reeked of BO and the whole workforce were refusing to go near her and her eye-watering smell. They kept finding her random jobs to do outside, or in stock rooms away from everyone. The poor girl was mortified when the teacher had to tactfully have a word.
Hygiene is an important part of life.

A waitress I worked with was actually let go for a similar reason.

@BloodyDarrener your post has actually reminded me of a woman I worked with a few years ago. Part of my remit was to head up a team organising a large scale event and this woman was placed with my usual team. Amazingly bright, chatty and great at what she did... but my goodness, the BO was so bad.
We put up with it in meeting rooms in the lead up to the event but when she wanted to be on site, in the small enclosed organisers marquee, in the middle of Summer with 24+ degree heat my team refused to do it. Thankfully I had a HR department to turn to because it would have broken my heart to have to have the conversation with her myself, but she did not end up working for the event. Her BO was literally standing in the way of some really great opportunities for her 😔

I would have smelt them. It doesn't seem like an awful thing to do when it's your own child.

@Meggymoo777 it's a shame. I see a few replies on here about why should the daughter use deodorant etc and how it has nothing to do with anyone else (her body her choice). This is why. This.
I simply cannot imagine having to have that conversation with someone in a workplace and I don't think anyone would be okay with someone taking them aside to have that discussion with them. It would be mortifying. Coffee, garlic or onion breath is one thing. Smelling of fried food is another but lack of hygiene? No one would just say, "I chose to smell of sweat and other body odours, thank you!" They'd be humiliated.

My four year old always asks me to smell her hands after she's washed them. I always oblige (but don't get too close Incase she's still grubby )

It’s her body. She doesn’t ‘need’ to do anything.

No she doesn't. It's her armpits she can smell if she wants to.

As long as she understands that she’s making things unpleasant for the people she lives, and risks being quietly (if she’s lucky) shunned by peers.

You’d be OK with that if it were your kid?

I managed someone once who had some odour issues, and one of my team members complained to me about it.

Having to tell someone - who’s not a family member or someone you know well - that a). they smell, b). other people have noticed it, and c). it’s so bad that they’ve complained about it, is mortifying for everyone. Absolutely mortifying, and I hated being put in the position of having to tell this person that they needed to sort themselves out. I knew I was hurting their feelings, no matter how kindly you try to say it. It’s horrible.

But by all means, encourage the OP to let her daughter go out smelling bad, and potentially being a figure of fun/pity/ridicule.

Cross-post with others - exactly.

I wouldn't sniff her, no. She can sniff herself. The nose isn't that far from the armpit. Does she not smell her own BO? I'd tell her that people do certain things (brush their teeth, bathe, wear deodorant) even if they don't really enjoy it, because not doing it is either unhealthy or makes them unpleasant for other people to be around.

Have you tried different types of deodorant? There are sprays, gels, solids... Maybe certain types are will bother her less than others. (Same goes for body wash vs soap bars for washing.) There's also OTC deodorant that only has to be used every other day (or maybe even less frequently). It's touted as being particularly strong, so I'm not sure if it's a good idea for a young teen, but it's something you could look into on your own before you mention it to her.

If she doesn’t care why she ask you to smell?

If can’t use certain soaps etc and no other alternative given think I be resided to not caring as only option

I only know when needed to have conversation with teenager as somehow they loose ability to smell

Its very important that you properly teach your DD to wash her intimate areas, including her armpits regularly and properly. People will start to judge her and avoid her if she isnt careful and you dont want a social pariah on your hands as well as the smell of unwashed teenage armpits in your home. She needs to understand that this is basic adult hygiene and if she can't do it, she will not go very far in life.

No point bathing if you don't wash the smelly areas properly. If she does wash properly every day and wears clean clothes daily this weather she could get away with no deodrant.

My friend’s brother asked his boss why it was that he never got a promotion. “I think it’s because of your body odour,” said the boss quietly but bluntly. My friend’s brother was so embarrassed that he resigned shortly afterwards.
Not unreasonable not to sniff, OP, but your DD needs to understand the stakes here and find hygiene products that suit her.

I honestly think the people saying ‘she doesn’t need to do anything’ and ‘she can smell if she wants to’ are either profoundly socially clueless, or are being deliberately cruel.

If you can’t depend on your own mother to put a kind word in your ear so as to avoid being a social pariah, who can you depend on?

So, for the poster who said those things - that it’s her right to be as smelly as she likes - which of those two options are you...?

@AStudyinPink @TinyCake

• I honestly think the people saying ‘she doesn’t need to do anything’ and ‘she can smell if she wants to’ are either profoundly socially clueless, or are being deliberately cruel.

If you can’t depend on your own mother to put a kind word in your ear so as to avoid being a social pariah, who can you depend on?*

You don’t seem to get the difference between a ‘kind word’ and someone calling you disgusting and forcing you to wear deodorant.

*As long as she understands that she’s making things unpleasant for the people she lives, and risks being quietly (if she’s lucky) shunned by peers.

You’d be OK with that if it were your kid?*

No. I’d talk to her about it. I wouldn’t force her to fix it at 15. If she persisted in not washing I’d worry about her mental health, of course, but if she was a bit stinky now and again I’d tell her and leave her to it.

She didn't want to shower and said the smell didn't bother her. I had to tell her that as she lives in a house with 4 other people, it's not her choice and whilst I don't need her to be smothered in perfume, she needs to be clean. Basic rules of living in a society.

They are not the “basic rules of living in a society” - they’re your rules. And you made your 11 year old cry telling her she stinks. Well done.

Interesting that some people think that she can smell if she wants to. What about the people who she lives with? Do they just have to put up with her body odour?

Well, yeah. Unless what we’re actually teaching our children is that their bodily autonomy only stretches as far as the nose of the next powerful adult.

I like to think once the consequences of smelling are explained she will choose to wash by herself. If not what are you going to do? Can't force someone to clean their armpits but I genuinely think that once the consequences are explained then its a teenagers choice. Their body their choice.

You don’t seem to get the difference between a ‘kind word’ and someone calling you disgusting and forcing you to wear deodorant.

What..?

How and why are you reaching that conclusion? Did you see my post above, where I had a team member complain to me about someone else’s BO? I have never, and would never, call someone ‘disgusting’.

And more importantly, I’d be devastated if someone called my DD ‘disgusting’. Which is why I’d take the task on - kindly - myself, so that she would be spared the horribleness, pity, or misguided good intentions of others.