To regret having a child

[Changeymcnamey]

Name changed as want to keep this separate, but been here a while. I'm prepared to be flamed as an awful human being.

I have a 9mo DS. He was born in May (lockdown 1.0. Textbook pregnancy but awful labour ending in EMCS after a long labour in difficult circumstances - I planned for a home birth, but pandemic. Midwives weren't the most use and, I suspect, terrified with a lack of PPE. Surgery was performed by a non-specialist team collated at 2am in a rush etc.

I've never been the maternal type, my husband was more keen than me etc. Originally, we planned for me to go back to work, but he is a keyworker liked to PPE for the NHS... so I've found myself an accidental SAHM with no family local and all baby groups cancelled. I do loads to support my LOs development, but I feel so lost!

I feel like a fraud. I'm not enjoying this at all. I miss my old life. I have no idea if I really feel like this because of my baby or covid restrictions. Help!

P.s. I last heard from my HV before the summer, so she's no use.

I had a lockdown 1.0 baby too. Labour was grim and hospital experience horrible. I honestly think it's the situation, not you or your baby. I now have 4 DC so I can compare having a baby during a pandemic with having babies in "normal" times and its so different. The lack of groups, lack of interaction with other mums. You can't take your baby swimming or mooching around shops or to the library.
If I was on my first baby I would think the problem was me but I know its not!
Im sorry I can't really help or change anything for you but please know there's nothing wrong with you. Its a very odd time to have a baby, especially your first.

It’s so shit.
Are you planning to go back to work at all?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling lost and there is nothing wrong with feeling like being a SAHM is not for you. It doesn't necessarily mean you are depressed and it doesn't make you any less of a mother or anything like that.

The easiest solution is definitely going back to work. And either using childcare or your husband stopping work to look after the baby.

I had a June baby that was my first, I’ve just got myself a part time job working at home with flexible hours and my daughter goes to nursery two mornings a week for three hours at a time. It has made a world of difference, I’m sure I’m a better parent because of it.

It’s an outdoor nursery so my daughter gets to play outside in the fresh air and isn’t cooped up and I get a mental break from being stuck in the house trying to come up with new ways to keep her entertained. My husband is currently working away from home for a few months and it was tough all on my own.

I don’t think it you @Changeymcnamey I’ve also got a lock down baby much much wanted born April. Let’s face it maternity leave In your living room is bloody hard work. There’s only so many walks you can go on especially days like today when it’s minus 5 outside. It’s hard. So hard. Not the maternity leave any of us dreamt of.

Are you planning on returning to work at some point?

YANBU, I still felt like this at 9 months. I basically hated it. I loved my DS, but loathed motherhood to a newborn. I was drowning, and I didn’t have to do it in a pandemic.

You, and all new Mum’s have my utmost sympathy for doing this now.

I too had no family support, my marriage took a massive knock, I had a bad birth, long hospital stay, breastfeeding went wrong, DS was a terrible sleeper, then at 6 months I couldn’t even get him on solids for ages. I felt a complete failure and I desperately craved my old child free life. Looking back I’m sure I had PND, and I’m not surprised!

I started finding it easier around the 11 month mark, after successfully sleep training at 7 months and finally getting some rest. DS starting nursery at 14 months and me going back to work also hugely helped.

Do you have family you can go and stay with? That’s allowed as your child is under 1. Doing this made a huge difference to me in the first lockdown and is when I started to recover.

Give yourself a break. New motherhood and childbirth is crippling, and the effects are so underinvestigated or understood.

I promise it does get easier. DS is a joy now and I finally enjoy it :)

Keep ringing your GP and health visitor though- you may have undiagnosed PND which really needs to be treated if so. You’re not alone.

Why don’t you go back to work? Put your son in nursery for a few days a week. That way he gets some stimulation from other people/environments and you get to be YOU again. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. You’ve done the majority of the newborn slot!
I had my son in Feb and am about to go back to work full time. He’s definitely ready, I can tell he’s bored of looking at me and the same 4 walls every day!
If I didn’t have my parents in my bubble and also 3 year old DD to entertain him on her days off nursery, I would have looked into putting him into nursery sooner.

I felt like this at 9 months and that’s without the pandemic!

I’m not a maternal type either, and I have enjoyed my children more the older they are. Some people miss the baby stage, no sirree, give me a toddler any day as they can talk and walk and enjoy being read to and taught new stuff. And school age kids are fab.

I agree the pandemic is making everything harder. Hopefully things will start to open up inap a few weeks, and the weather will improve a bit too and you can meet up with some other new parents at least.

I sympathise hugely, as it must be so difficult to cope with giving birth and being a new mum in lockdown.
I have no experience of that, but just wanted to say it's fairly common to have a baby and think what the fuck have I done. I have never been maternal and then had a baby who didn't sleep, didn't nap, she spent so much time screaming. I ended up with PMT. She is 15 now and I love her to bits, having her is probably the best thing I've ever done.

It will get better, motherhood can be a struggle and on top of this, all the current restrictions. Just hang on in there. I'm still hopeless with other people's kids, but love my own.

Having had a baby during normal times & Covid times I can almost certainly guarantee that lockdown is having a huge impact.

Baby groups
Coffee in a cafe with other parents
Farms
Soft plays
Baby classes
Baby swimming

All things that would help your mental health & give you actual adult conversation during the day!

Don’t feel awful OP, being a SAHM is hard & lonely at the best of times during a pandemic it is almost torture.

Hang on in there x

Another saying that I felt like you do and had my first when there wasn’t a pandemic so I honestly take my hat off to you. Going back to work saved my sanity...can you? I remember talking to my then manager a year or so afterwards and saying that I hadn’t come back early because we’d had a marvellous summer planned (DH is a teacher). And she said, sorrowfully, that had she known they’d have had me back for three months and then I could have had two months off as unpaid leave. Might be worth asking if you could come back earlier PT or some other arrangement!

My baby is the same age as yours and I've just cut my maternity leave 3 months short because I didn't want to spend all day everyday taking care of a baby! Before I had him I was already panicking about leaving him to go back to work he I've now realised that actually it is ok if I carve out a little time and space for just me.

I'm working 2 days a week at the moment and it's great! It's enough time to break up the week and enough time away from him. It helps so much when we're having a bad week and Incan think 'it's fine, I'm working in a couple of days'. It's a change of scenery and a chance to see people for a bit of adult conversation.

Why don't you look at working a few hours a week? Or tell your OH that he can take the baby for a few hours every now and again and you can get some time to yourself?

Thank you so much. Really. I expected to be told I was awful You've a made me feel a million times better.

I enjoyed the days I could take my LO swimming etc much more, but those days were so short lived.

Unfortunately, going to work and putting my LO in nursery isn't possible. We live in the middle of nowhere - nursery places are scarce and now virtually nonexistent. My husband wouldn't be able to help with drop off or pickups at all due to the nature of his work (he's now working a very different role as a result of the pandemic meaning several timezones etc. He plays a key role in international PPE distribution for hospitals).

My parents are several hours away, so we cannot bubble with them. I wouldn't trust his to look after our chickens (he agrees).

I'm looking forward to the toddler and above stage (I'm an ex-teacher, so better with older ones). I just feel like there were so many things we planned to do with him and now I'm stuck in groundhog day doing the same walks in -5c.

I guess I need to 'woman-up' a bit for the next few months and hope the world can get it's act together. Fingers crossed it won't be too long and I can work out if I enjoy being a SAHM without the lockdown pressure...

I found the first couple of years tough and that was without a pandemic. Babies are so boring and such hard work IMO, I have no interest in other peoples. But as they get older and can walk and talk they become much more fun and interesting x

I often felt and feel this. Go back to work and then after the pandemic it will all feel easier. Babies are dull and hard work!
Sending strength - things will improve, even if not always perfect.

@Tal45 I'm with you on that. I've never found babies interesting. And I'm still not keen on other people's. I can't wait til my DS can hike, climb and mountain bike

So many people keep telling me it goes so quickly etc and here's me mid-pandemic Roll on 5 years

I can't imagine being in lockdown with a baby. The toddler groups were my lifeline. I used to do a different one every day of the week. Things will get better and before too long, you'll be waving them goodbye at the school gates.

Didn't want to read and run. I also found 9 months hard and up to a year the memory of the birth really got to me.

15 months now and finding things much better. Things are always changing. Seek help if you need it. It does not make you a bad mum.

@Awning10

I can't imagine being in lockdown with a baby. The toddler groups were my lifeline. I used to do a different one every day of the week. Things will get better and before too long, you'll be waving them goodbye at the school gates.

I would love a toddler group right now 😂 just one would do!

Oh please don't feel bad - lockdown is boring, babies are boring. Maternity leave is supposed to be all coffee and cake and baby cinema with your mum friends while the babies snooze. I love my DD more than anything in the world but even with a normal maternity leave I was keen to get back to work and engage my brain while she got the stimulation and attention she needed from a lovely childminder. Its a crap phase - embrace the crapness and make the most of it and I hope you can get yourself back to work soon!

I totally understand where you are coming from.
I am not minimising your feelings AT ALL but I just want to say it will get better, probably sooner than you think.

I found the first year so so SO hard with both of mine (my youngest is a 2020 baby, just pre covid), I know it’s been so tough this year for new mums. I’ve struggled.

But now baby is a year it’s so much easier, I’m back at work, obvs still no socialising really but baby is sleeping much better, eating nicely, mobile and plays independently for short bursts which gives me some head space.

It’s so hard but everything with a baby is a phase, the earlier ones are so much harder in my experience, as you edge towards your DC being a year and older it will get a lot easier practically and mentally.

Can you sign up the the online tutoring programme the gov are currently recruiting for?

I do feel for you I don't really like the baby years very monotonous! But I've been doing this mum thing for 16 years now 😬
Does it get better or do we adapt?
I can't answer that all I can say is your not alone and we all find it difficult xxx

All sounds completely normal to me. Bloody awful time to be home with a baby - v isolating etc.

No everyone is cut out to be at home. Can you and your husband make plans to move somewhere less rural so you can sort childcare and get back at least PT by at least Sept? Hats off to him for doing such an important job, but you guys also need to prioritise family life.

If it’s any comfort you see through the most boring bit, but still I would push hard to get back to work PT

Honestly I think a lot of mums with 2020 babies are struggling! I have a 12 month old and tbh not really enjoyed her first year and regret the timing of having her. It’s hard when there’s nothing to do being stuck at home isolated from people.
I think your feelings are probably related to the covid situation although babies are hard work anyway!
Hopefully things will improve from spring time and you can go to groups, fun places and meet friends, it makes such a big difference to enjoying babyhood I think.