To regret having a child

[Changeymcnamey]

Name changed as want to keep this separate, but been here a while. I'm prepared to be flamed as an awful human being.

I have a 9mo DS. He was born in May (lockdown 1.0. Textbook pregnancy but awful labour ending in EMCS after a long labour in difficult circumstances - I planned for a home birth, but pandemic. Midwives weren't the most use and, I suspect, terrified with a lack of PPE. Surgery was performed by a non-specialist team collated at 2am in a rush etc.

I've never been the maternal type, my husband was more keen than me etc. Originally, we planned for me to go back to work, but he is a keyworker liked to PPE for the NHS... so I've found myself an accidental SAHM with no family local and all baby groups cancelled. I do loads to support my LOs development, but I feel so lost!

I feel like a fraud. I'm not enjoying this at all. I miss my old life. I have no idea if I really feel like this because of my baby or covid restrictions. Help!

P.s. I last heard from my HV before the summer, so she's no use.

I agree with others that it is likely to be the situation that is negatively affecting your new motherhood, not you.

I had a lockdown 1.0 baby and for the first time in my life am seriously considering contacting my GP for antidepressants. This has been the hardest lockdown by far for me. I'm back to work soon which will at least be a 'break' but devastated my maternity leave has ended like this.

Your in such difficult circumstances being a first time mum can be isolating before pandemic it's must be even harder now. Don't be hard on yourself op. My dcs are 18 months and 3, I'm very much struggling this lockdown find myself very teary and drained. Still working as a nurse which doesn't help.

Another mum here with a lockdown 1.0 baby and can sympathise with your feelings, your totally normal it’s complete bs hanging out with an infant day in day out. I have a 2 year old as well as a 7month old and it’s the older one who has cheered me along! Everything is an adventure when your two, and although hard work, having a toddler is much better company. How rubbish are the -5 pram walks ugh?!

I feel so sorry for you OP, I had a real struggle with my first child in the baby stage , she just cried and cried and I suffered really badly with PND.
The one thing that saved me was the support from local children's centres, health visitors and meeting other mums at groups. I do often think if my child had been born during this what on earth I would have done. Just tell yourself it will get better I promise. As your child gets older they get more fun and more interesting. Plus the first things that open after lockdown are going to be schools and by extension the children's activity sector too. You'll be able to find something to do with your child. Hang in there I'm sure you are doing a great job.

I hear you on the strange and difficult time to have a baby without some of the usual support that might be expected in pre covid times. I had a baby in July and I have found using some of the baby apps to chat to other mums quite helpful. Some of them also run talks and workshops so at least you can log on if it's a topic that interests you. I have also found that knowing I will be doing something at x time has helped add a bit of structure to my day as opposed to it bluring into nothingness. My aimless daily walks around the area have fortunately resulted in me crossing paths with a couple of other mums in a similar situation who have been happy to do subsequent walks. It makes it feel a bit less lonely. I wish you all the best and hope you start to feel a bit better about everything as we head towards spring.

I'm not a baby person. They get much nicer when they can start discussing ideas with you rather than purely needs. Other people feel differently, and have a bit of a pang when their little one grows up and goes to school.

It won't be any consolation but there will come a time when this baby stage doesn't seem to have taken any time in your life, and even the memories of your older child don't seem so important beside the reality of the new adult in your life.

Join the club. You’re certainly not the only one!

I have three girls , twins that were 2 in September & baby coming up to 4 months ( my brain has gone , I thought she was going to be five months! The age of my baby for me is the worst age , they aren’t, for me , that wonderful newborn stage , but are wanting to sit up , unsuccessfully & plonk over & get frustrated. I was given 2 Bumbo seats for my twins , but I thought they looked SO uncomfortable! I preferred their bouncy chairs. Once they can crawl , I’m fine again , it’s this nnnnnnnnn I can’t abide .

Babies are boring imo. Lovely but boring. So it's not you, you just have a very boring job atm. Your LO will become more interesting... I've loved spending time with my DS much more since he's been on the move and since I've been able to have a chat with him. Before that, my modus operandi until I went back to work part-time was to message other mums living nearby and arrange to go to the pub or park or for a walk or coffee together. On top of that, we had classes and playgroups. None of that is available to you, so it's not surprising you're finding it really, really crap and isolatingl. I don't really have any advice except hang in there. Make it about you, not the baby, and just let baby tag along. So watch all the TV you never got around to watching before during naptimes, when baby is awake read a good book and leave them to play with their toys so long as they're content, put your favourite music on and just make sure to carve out plenty of time for cuddles, singing silly songs and picture books. I used to enjoy having long warm baths and I'd just stick the baby at one end in his bath seat with a couple of toy boats and top up the water whenever it got cold. We both loved it, it killed time and it helped him sleep.

Having a baby is tough anyway lock down makes it far more intense.

There are some things which are allowed our local nct is able to do walk and talks it might be worth looking into. My son was 13 months first lock down. We did online baby signing classes (tiny talks). Although not the same it was a great distraction and also we then worked on signing together so also something which was a good distraction.

I promise you it gets better. You are very unlikely to still feel this way in a couple of years. I felt this way for over a year with my first. When you can have a little more time away/time to yourself it gets easier. I felt better once I went back to work 3 days a week.

Lockdown will not have helped. Early parenthood is isolating enough without everywhere being shut and no groups to have normal adult conversation at

I suspect your hospital experience has contributed somewhat to your feelings. I had a fairly easy pregnancy, induced, delivered, then rushed into theatre for manual removal as placenta didn’t deliver. 4 nights in hospital, I had DH in helping for 2 of those, it was really bloody hard, exhausting and I’m sure was the start of PND. And this was pre-COVID. Then a baby who didn’t sleep. And for ages I felt like I’d made the biggest mistake of my life becoming a mum and was a fraud. I just coasted along.

DD is now 3 and the best thing that ever happened to me. Sure, it’s still challenging but nothing like those early days. For me children get better with age.

I went back to work 2 days when she was 9 months and it was a huge turning point. I felt like I belonged in the real world again, and I absolutely loved the time I spent with her, it was the perfect balance, then back to 3 days at 12m. I would have struggled so much as a SAHM, and it’s even harder in these current times with no playgroups or play dates or soft play.

If I was you I’d be making a plan to return to work, or study, or something along those lines, as suggested previously by PPs up thread.