To think forum etiquette is going downhill

[Butterflyfluff]

I know we’re all fed up of the current situation but a lot of posts lately don’t seem to be helping much

There’s always been those who can’t be arsed to read a thread and pile in with their opinion after 20 pages, having only read the OP and totally failing to recognised things have probably moved on

But now it’s common place for the first post on any thread about anything in the news to be ‘Source?’

No further comment - just that demand - implication being it’s bullshit

Likewise on threads where posters are having a rough time they get bombarded with people @ing them so their inbox will be full of messages

If the OP wants to read the messages, they can just return to the thread but the posters who do the @ing seem to have some need to be noticed

People also seem to get really arsey straight away too

It’s really quite depressing

What makes my blood boil is

“Didn’t want to read and run ”

I suppose the person does have good intentions and they intend to make the OP feel listened to (though it is likely just a way of placemarking), but FFS if the poster is in a crisis or in desperate need of advice either write up a proper response or don’t bother.

@cantmakealifeofit

What makes my blood boil is

“Didn’t want to read and run ”

I suppose the person does have good intentions and they intend to make the OP feel listened to (though it is likely just a way of placemarking), but FFS if the poster is in a crisis or in desperate need of advice either write up a proper response or don’t bother.

Thank God someone said that. I thought it was just me!

It's such a pointless thing to post because it's not like the OP can see you've read it! 🤷‍♀️

And YANBU OP

'Source???' or 'Link???' is rude. I simply wouldn't find it for them until they found their manners.

@cantmakealifeofit when they say didn't want to read and run and then pile the bile!

I find it funny, and yes am still a relative newbie here, that people will pick an throwaway/ irrelevant part of a post and take massive issue with it, sidelining the op's distress and need for advice.

@cantmakealifeofit

What makes my blood boil is

“Didn’t want to read and run ”

I suppose the person does have good intentions and they intend to make the OP feel listened to (though it is likely just a way of placemarking), but FFS if the poster is in a crisis or in desperate need of advice either write up a proper response or don’t bother.

I think it’s quite sweet as they are just trying to make the poster feel less alone, especially if no other replies.

'Source???' or 'Link???' is rude. I simply wouldn't find it for them until they found their manners

I find there's rarely any point if you do; such posts are very often followed by an immediate attempt to discredit even the most respectable sources, or failing that just a "cool story"

I have no problem with people disagreeing with me or telling me I'm wrong and explaining why they think so.

I do have a problem with someone private messaging me with abuse. So not necessary.

I do have a problem with someone private messaging me with abuse. So not necessary

There are some right weirdos around, did you report it?

Part of it's normal social flux. Brexit was the most divisive thing to happen to the country in at least several generations. Coronavirus was worse. I stay off the coronavirus board unless something happens to come up in trending topics. If a poster or collection of posters initiates a 'pile on' to an OP, I'll post on that particular thread pointing out that I think their behaviour is bullying and unreasonable. If trolls derail abuse threads with NAMALT claims I'll take issue with that very strongly. And there's the option of reporting them too.

But I really don't think these constant threads - and lately there have been a lot - complaining about the awfulness of other posters and the atmosphere of the site in general is really doing much to help the situation. On the contrary it's only helping to perpetuate that negative cycle.

I only realised recently that brigading and pile ons are sometimes organised off site, which had to be the most pathetic thing I have ever heard of.
It must leave the victim bewildered and upset.

@LochJessMonster

On the other hand you get the-

“My MIL is a monster because she did insert something that the poster would be fine with their own mother doing ”

“I work 70hours a week, take care of our 7 children, do all the housework and cooking and my partner threw a strop because I asked him to take out the bins. AIBU?”

“My partner had sex with me seventy times in a row when I said no. Was it rape?”

“Can I break Covid rule xyz because insert excuse here ”

Honestly some posters are just exhausting and you have to be blunt.

Wow, what a horrible replly @LochJessMonster. People don't just post for advice. They are posting to share, to vent, to try and get out of their heads and hear what others have to say.

If you find those posters exhausting, then why not leave the replies to people who have more empathy?

(I bet you're one of those "I speak as I find" kind of people )

Anyway OP, I am sometimes guilty of posting at the end of a long thread without reading through it, because I just didn't notice that it had loads of pages. Or, I loaded it, went away to do something else, came back and posted, and in the meantime it had picked up more pages.

“My partner had sex with me seventy times in a row when I said no. Was it rape?”

Aware that this post will likely be deleted and I'll also be deleted for reposting it. But I'm not letting this one pass unchallenged. Does the PP who posted this comment have even the slightest inkling as to how offensive it is?

Yes. I’ve always liked the bluntness of MN in general; AIBU in particular has always been strident but I’ve been here for years and I feel like the tone has changed in recent months. More people than ever sniping and bickering. It’s just all so much more sour and irritated. It’s understandable but it’s also unpleasant.

@cantmakealifeofit

What makes my blood boil is

“Didn’t want to read and run ”

I suppose the person does have good intentions and they intend to make the OP feel listened to (though it is likely just a way of placemarking), but FFS if the poster is in a crisis or in desperate need of advice either write up a proper response or don’t bother.

Proper old MN gimmer here, but I think that's a hangover from back when all this was fields, and posts used to show not just how many replies, but how many views it'd had. If someone was feeling really shit and asking for advice, and had had 3000 views, but no replies, 'didn't want to read & run' was seen as a nice thing to do because the OP didn't feel so ignored. Plus it bumped the thread back up in case someone who could offer help had missed it.

There has definitely been a change in etiquette/attitude on MN though since I first joined. My feeling about it used to be that on here people would tell you what you needed to hear, that people in real life wouldn't. But it would be done constructively, and with genuine concern. Now it's... different.

9/10 you can tell the way an AIBU thread is going to go based on the first response. This is even when the OP is asking something fairly reasonable and don’t deserve to get nasty comments. The trouble is, too many people just read the last few posts and join in. I once got called racist because someone misunderstood what I’d said, I tried to clarify that I was in support of BLM, but it was too late and that was that. Crazy.

I don’t understand why posters get het up about @ ing. I’m pretty sure you can turn email notifications off if that’s the reason. But some posters seem to be really offended by it and come back to just say ‘don’t @ me thank you very much!’

It’s got nothing to do with being noticed it’s just easier to reply to people, as the usernames come up in a list.

But then, I suppose I am on a forum where lots of posters were most offended by receiving a generic marketing email from MN so a direct reply must be like a knife in the back.

Whatisapension I've never understood the drama over it either

If you can't turn notifications off, just change to a throwaway email address.

Why do you need to read the thread? I rarely do (haven't done here). The point of the forum is to give your opinion on whether the view expressed in the first post is reasonable.

'Didn’t want to read and run '

This is what I might say if I had read it but couldn't think of anything helpful to say. I'd word it differently.

Sometimes a thread is started and the posts are all of the 'tough love' variety. If you are in quite a state starting a thread, such posts are like kicking a woman when she is down. if someone is heartbroken, they are not posting to entertain other MNers.

@FelicityMingington

Why do you need to read the thread? I rarely do (haven't done here). The point of the forum is to give your opinion on whether the view expressed in the first post is reasonable.

Because sometimes the OP comes back and says “thanks for comments, I realise I was the CF and will do X Y or Z” but people who only read the first post miss that and pile in 20 or 200 comments later with advice or views that aren’t relevant any more. Hence “cancel the cheque” was born.

If you don’t want to RTFT at least read all the OP’s posts to avoid this.

@CoronaIsWatching

Not everyone has the time to read 20 pages of a thread before "piling in" with their opinion

Then why on Earth would you think anyone had the time to read your opinion? If the other 20 pages are dross that you’re far too busy to read, why is your special little comment any different?

@FelicityMingington

Why do you need to read the thread? I rarely do (haven't done here). The point of the forum is to give your opinion on whether the view expressed in the first post is reasonable.

Because OPs will respond to questions for further info; report back on how a situation developed... no one needs to know what you thought based on how things stood three days ago.

YANBU!

sometimes the OP comes back ... but people who only read the first post miss that and pile in 20 or 200 comments later with advice or views that aren’t relevant any more. Hence “cancel the cheque” was born

That was mine , but I think you're right in that it's a bit frustrating to read the same already-answered question being asked again and again

Less important in pure opinion threads like this one though, where the OP perhaps isn't so affected personally