To ask whats a "good enough" reason to have a child

[balihai550]

So, got into a debate with a friend....

She wants to have a baby because she needs something to ground her.

I said she ought to consider her reasons carefully because there having a baby is a relentless exercise, and a lifelong relationship intense commitment.

She then fired back my reasons for having one weren't that solid either. My reasons were...

That I had lots of love to give, and that I just felt that need to have a child.

Not after a critique of my reasons, or hers... but what do the readers of this consider "good" reasons to have children?

There’s no good reason to have a child. Ever. Nevertheless many people continue to do it. You were rude to your friend. Your reasons are no better than hers.

I think this is a really interesting question and not necessarily one every parent (or potential parent) asks themselves.
I was similar to you OP; had a strong desire and felt any DC would be given a good life.

Really wanting one is the only reason, but being in a position to offer them a relatively stable life filled with love is a prerequisite too.

Because you want one and can provide for and love one.

I think this is a very hard question to answer, and depends on where your focus is.

From a societal perspective it can be ‘good’ to have children because we need young people to pay taxes and become useful workers for the sake of keeping society running. A lack of new children would fairly swiftly lead to societal collapse. But you could fairly easily counter that with an argument that every child will consume finite resources and contribute to the destruction of the planet. And there’s no way of knowing in advance whether any particular child will be a net good or net bad for the world, because those are nebulous and unquantifiable concepts.

From a personal or individual perspective there can be many ‘good’ reasons for having a child - to share skills, to create empathetic and decent humans, to raise good citizens, to share your love, to bring a sense of completion to ones life. There’s no way of judging which reasons are better or worse than others.

I don’t think either of you will necessarily benefit from this kind of argument. You’re both entitled to make the decision to have children and it’s more academic than practical to try and determine who is more justified in doing so.

Because you want one.

You were pretty rude to your friend.

I want a child because I want a child. I can’t really put into words why. I’m terrified of actually being a parent because FUCKING HELL, A PARENT, but other than that I’ve got nothing. I’d be very upset if a friend with children then talked down to me about it.

I don’t think it’s necessarily fair to gatekeep. People have different reasons for wanting kids, but the most important thing is that they’re capable of caring for their child.

It’s a pointless debate because anybody who chooses to have a baby is doing it for their own personal reasons. And nine of them are any better than another because to the person having it- their reason is good enough. Some have a baby because they’re lonely, some because they want something to love them back, some to keep their partner tied to them, some to give their child a sibling, some to look after them in their old age, some because they are addicted to being pregnant, some because the previous 6 were boys and they want a girl, some because god says they should, some because they have always wanted a baby.

Nine=none

People have children for all sorts of reasons not necessarily the best reasons tbh as long as a child is loved and cared for and has enough to eat that should be enough ??

I would also say that some people probably do have kids for the wrong reasons, but then go on to be great parents regardless. So in that case, does it matter?

Your friend sounds like an immature narcissist who will not in all likelihood make a very good mother. How neglectful and naive. A baby is a human being who needs a lot of attention, love and tenderness. They’re not there to “ground you” like a self-help book.

A good reason to have a baby is if you have a strong desire for a CHILD and if you will love, nurture and support it, unconditionally.

@VestaTilley Ate you the OP?

There is no "good reason" to have a child

It is not a moral decision. It's just a fact. People have children because they want to have children, for reasons individual to each person

That's all it is. There are no right or wrong reasons

Neither of your reasons is any better than the other’s. I mean, you could have channeled ‘all the love you had to give’ into breeding budgies or something.

I had a child because I’d just finished a huge project that had taken almost ten years and was at a loose end psychologically. I could have climbed K2 or walked the Camino del Santiago or something else.

Honestly, because its my biological purpose for existing. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Then I needed another one to keep the oldest company.

I think your friend is annoyed by you 'pulling rank' and saying doesn't she know it's a relentless grind etc. She probably hasn't factored that in, because literally nobody does, it's impossible to imagine what it is really like before you do it. And I bet you didn't either, you just wanted to have one, same as her.

You were rude. Your reasons aren’t any better than hers.

You want one AND you're physically, financially, mentally and emotionally ready to take care of another human being. No, you can never get it perfectly right but most people don't consider this seriously first.

I feel sad for children whose parents just "wanted one (more)" as if it's the latest gadget but never bothered to consider that it's a full human's needs they'd be handling, how it would impact their own needs too (and that of the other full human(s) still dependent on them, if there're other kids).

You were not rude to your friend, you told her a simple truth but didn't tell her not to have one. She was prickly and sensitive because of what you said, so lashed out. Your reason may or may not be as good but that doesn't mean what you said is wrong or you haven't learned from it since then.

Friends should be able to tell each other the truth/give good advice. You didn't judge her.

Friends should be able to tell each other the truth/give good advice. You didn't judge her.

Of course the op is judging that the friend’s reason isn’t good enough.

You want one. 🤷‍♀️ That's the only reason anyone needs. The drive to reproduce is so powerful. People can rationalise as much as they want but at the end of the day we are animals and like all animals we have instincts.

Speaking generally about us as a species. Obviously there are those who actively don't want children and I think they're more evolved than the rest of us ! I had children because I felt like I needed to. No sense to it at all. I was not ok financially, it was a bad idea but I felt desperate. If I'd have been stronger I would have been logical and waited. Or maybe even said no, there's enough children in the world, etc.

I just thought it'd be really interesting. And it has been.

Oh god, I think her reasons are better than yours, if we have to rank them.

I never thought I wanted children. I was certainly never a baby person, although I thin I did a good enough job when mine were young. I changed my mind because I had a sudden realisation that if I didn't, one day I would have no family.

As long as you want one and can provide for one without relying on others/the state then that is a good enough reason.