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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have you managed to get a teen to change school, if so how!

46 replies

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 06/02/2021 11:44

Teen DD is year 8 and her school went from good to the next one down.
I have been concerned about it for a while, started to get teacher retention issues etc.
So the academic side concerns me, they did nothing over lock down, last time, this time I admit its much better.

Then the social side also concerns me, she has not reached out to one so called friend over this lock down and doesn't chat to them on line or talk - she has a phone. She stuck with her old gang but they melted away...so the social side isn't going well...

But she says she is happy....when I was a dc I moved school 3 times due to house moves and once wen I wasn't thriving.
DD isn't thriving and I can try and move her but how - shes too young to understand thriving or change..

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 06/02/2021 12:06

You admit the learning is better this time round and the most important thing is she says she's happy.

It's a weird time for kids right now. I would think twice about changing her school at the moment. Maybe wait till' lockdown is over and see how she goes.

LagneyandCasey · 06/02/2021 12:19

She says she's happy. That's the holy grail when it comes to teens.

2pinkginsplease · 06/02/2021 12:22

She says she is happy, thats the main thing.

We.are in the middle of a pandemic, resulting in everything being upside down just now. My dad goes to an amazing school but I wouldn't say their remote learning the first time was the best. They have really upped their game this time.

Give the school a chance especially when your dad is saying she is happy. My dd at school is friends with a group of 12 girls, you are lucky if she has spoken to 5 of them throught this lockdown. These things happen.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/02/2021 12:25

If she's happy then she will thrive. If you move her and she hates the new school, she won't be interested in learning no matter what the Ofsted rating is.

Original poster
Snowsnowglorioussnow · 06/02/2021 13:26

The thing is, how can she be happy without friends?

We are social creatures and she needs to friends... Proper want to to chat too friendship?

There schools '' LOCK DOWN '' provision is better but generally going down hill.

I thought I was happy at one school but when I was moved I thrived.

She's not made proper friends. I was hoping people who had been through this could tell me..

OP posts:
Dogsaresomucheasier · 06/02/2021 13:55

My eldest didn’t really find her tribe or start socialising until the back of end of year 9, having been a bit mixed up with “the wrong crowd” initially.
If she doesn’t want to move be patient and see why happens after lockdown. Move for the start of year 9 when lots of subjects start gcse if you are still concerned.

You could always scope out other schools/find out about vacancies in the meantime.

LagneyandCasey · 06/02/2021 14:33

My dd was also in year 9 before she made a good friend. Before that she had friends but they were toxic and caused her a lot of upset. The classes were mixed up in year 9 as that's when they start gcse courses around here so she had a fresh start and met some more like minded girls - is that the same with your school, op?

lanthanum · 06/02/2021 14:34

Moving during lockdown probably isn't a good idea - there's not much chance for new teachers to get to know her. (I think some areas are not allowing school moves at the moment.)

Second half of year 7 and first half of year 8 are often when there are lots of shifts in girls' friendships, as they get to know the people not from their primary. So the lockdowns have come at a bad time socially. Hopefully, what will happen is that the process will continue when they get back and maybe into year 9, for this year group.

In the first lockdown, DD13 took a lot of encouraging to get in touch with friends. They found it quite difficult to know what to talk about when they did meet up on Zoom - kids are not always brilliant at conversation out of any context. They were fine when they got back.

As she seems happy, I think you should at least give it to the end of this school year.

Whether "requires improvement" is something to worry about will depend on what the concerns are. DD's school has been there twice over the last few years, but neither time has concerned us greatly - and it's meant the school has really focussed on the issues raised.

AmyandPhilipfan · 06/02/2021 15:36

As long as she seems happy in herself I wouldn’t worry too much. I know it’s a bit different to lockdown, but I quite often went through school holidays without contacting anyone - even though I did have plenty of friends at school. I just didn’t feel the need to socialise all that often at that age.

Original poster
Snowsnowglorioussnow · 06/02/2021 15:45

That's true about the perhaps not socialising in 🔒 down and still attuned to here own way of doing things...

There are a few instances which made me question the friendships.. I don't want to say on here because I know a lot parent is on here and would be too outing...

I wouldn't move her instantly, I would move her into year 9.

The school I had in mind is slightly further out but would take her, it's outstanding and has a very good reputation and also known for its strong pastoral side.
I've never heard anything but praise for it.
I know there is a possibility due to the some movement I could get her in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowsnowglorioussnow · 06/02/2021 15:49

Lagney

Once of the biggest issues for me is that they Don't move classes again, that's it from the day she arrived and I inks from the talk there's are something extremely challenging girls in there. The school I've got my eye on is also mixed.

OP posts:
Seeline · 06/02/2021 15:57

They will change classes when they start GCSE s - they will all be doing different subjects.

My DD is Y12 and I know she has friends but she finds it very awkward speaking on the phone or via zoom. She is fine face to face. She has been doing nearly all her socialising via text/WhatsApp/Snapchat etc. Does your DD do this perhaps?

But I agree with others, if she is happy, that is most important of all.

Original poster
Snowsnowglorioussnow · 06/02/2021 18:31

See line no.. She doesn't.
It's such a shame, obviously I've not see n her at school with her peers but from what I have seen she's bubbly to a degree, can make a conversation etc..

I love conversation with her, she can talk and express herself ie I know very shy people can't and she's done that with her friends...

It's a shame.

I definitely think a fresh start is needed and the other school is fabulous.

I mean if we planned to move she would have to change schools... Many people must have moved teens for a house move.. At this stage... How did they deal with it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowsnowglorioussnow · 06/02/2021 21:11

R

OP posts:
Skysblue · 06/02/2021 21:12

She’s very young. You’re the parent. If you’ve assessed that she’d flourish better at another school then yes you should move her.

Surprised how many posters say ‘if she says she is happy here then keep her here.’ That doesn’t mean she’s thriving. It probably just means she’s scared of change and prefers the known to the unlnown. Possibly also she’s just trying to make her parents not worry. By that age I had already started concealing things from my parents that I felt would make them sad, I didn’t however have a grasp of the fact that they had the power to change situations in a way I did not.

I haven’t been inyour situation but I would call the better school to check there is definitely a place, and ask if she can do a trial day/week, or at least take her for a tour. I know that’s a thing at primary I don’t know if secondaries will do it.

Then make your decision and tell her what it is. If you decide to move her then just keep saying ‘we’re very lucky this school has better teachers and facilities so you’re goong there instead.’ She will be angry and upset and a bit scared. That is normal. That doesn’t mean it isn’t a good long term decision- especially if she comes out of it with better grades and real friends.

Worst case scenario you could try it out for a term and move her back if it doesn’t work out and if she wants to. Doesn’t sound like the current school is going to fill up.

TupilaLilium · 06/02/2021 21:14

My son asked to change schools in year 8. He was unhappy. We put him in private school. He was less-unhappy in private school but not happy. These were to be his moody years. Three years later he's in sixth form at the first school again, happy as happy can be.

I wonder, should we have waited out the unhappiness. Was that worth £40,000? He got really good GSCE marks, but so did everyone else last year.

Seeline · 07/02/2021 10:11

I can't see that moving schools in the current climate would really help with friendships. She's unlikely to get to meet new classmates face to face for a while, and even then, any social interaction is likely to be severely limited.

Ginpalacequeen · 07/02/2021 10:56

Does your DD want to change schools, that would be my first question. Is she happy where she is or would she be happier if she moved ? In the current schools climate I dont think it will necessarily get better for friendships at the moment.

If she is in yr8 that she will have lost a term and a half in yr7 with the first lockdown and now a term in yr8. That’s nearly a year of school, not only that when she was at school it would have likely to have been a completely different experience than what she was expecting. Most yr8s are still at the yr7 stage where friendship groups are transient and very shaky as the foundations are not there. It is generally the end of yr8/yr9 where firm friendship groups form as the children get to grips with who they are and find likeminded souls. This lockdown has changed and delayed this.

I would see how the rest of yr8 goes once they are back I think you might find contact picks up. If it doesn’t then look at moving schools.

Original poster
Snowsnowglorioussnow · 07/02/2021 10:57

Hopefully by September the situation will have eased, the other school also mixes classes for year 9, unlike her current school.

Sky people move their teens all the time for house moves and jobs - I wonder how they approach it? My own siblings were moved so many times! It was selfish really...

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 07/02/2021 10:59

I think overall YANBU, but I think you are wrong that your DD in yr8 is too young to understand change and thriving. The best way to encourage a teen to change schools is to involve them in the process.
Start chatting with her about GCSEs and highlight difference between the schools. Honestly a school with higher GCSE results and more options will sway a teenager towards that school if they are at all academically ambitious. I got my one DD to change in middle Yr8 because her old school didn’t offer a course she wanted but the new school did offer it. She also has kept her old friends and made new ones.

2021hastobebetter · 07/02/2021 11:03

I moved mine after lockdown 1 during year 8 it was a good move. She loved her school but it was a flipping 3 hour a day commute. Seriously shit. Now a 10 minute walk but we relocated. We went from outstanding to outstanding and actually online is better for her- she thrives same for little one.

But in your situation I’d be careful. I would not move mine between year 9 10 and 11 unless it was exceptional. Worried about work - address with teacher and look into a tutor

Original poster
Snowsnowglorioussnow · 07/02/2021 11:14

She's in year 8 so would be joining new school for year 9.

Plan that's a good stragety to look at the grades and show her.

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 07/02/2021 11:30

It has been a very difficult year it has had a negative effect on teenagers and the social life that comes with it.
I wouldn't necessarily move her yet try talking to her even use the carrot on a stick encouragement to do better.
Can anyone in career guidance have a chat.

Original poster
Snowsnowglorioussnow · 07/02/2021 12:19

The problem is timing, this would be the right time to get her into year 9 in a school with a shake up.
Her current school had no interest in trying to help the students bond or branch out, it was very much sink or swim.
The new school has a very strong pastoral side and also says on blurb they believe happy dc will do well.

OP posts:
2021hastobebetter · 07/02/2021 12:31

Depends what teen she is - get them to read the ofsted and look at the % of grades

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