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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL seeing other family AIBU

54 replies

AmIBeingTwatty · 06/02/2021 10:00

I can’t decide if I’m being unreasonable here or DH family are..

MIL & FIL have my 2 DS for us on a Thursday. This is a temporary arrangement until April as I’m required in the office once a week now. They offered. They also collect DD from school on a Thursday as wrap around care is off for the foreseeable. This is also until April. They know full well that we haven’t been seeing anyone.
DD came home on Thursday talking about the pictures she had done with her cousin after school. Apparently SIL went in the car with FIL to collect DD from school as SIL and niece had been at PILs all day with my sons so niece could play as she is bored at home.
DH spoke to his brother about this and apparently MIL had called SIL on the Tuesday to suggest the “play date”.
I get it’s boring. I get they’re probably fed up. But to be honest I feel pissed off that they went round knowing my sons were there for childcare reasons and also pissed off that they didn’t ask if I was ok with them being there, especially as it was pre-arranged.
We haven’t seen my own family or any friends for months now. We didn’t see either side of the family on Christmas Day to keep it fair. My DD didn’t see any family or friends on her birthday. We’ve stuck to the rules and having to ask to become a childcare bubble was hard for me because we’ve put in such an effort since last year to limit our contacts. DH is working every day and I’m working in my office alone one day a week so don’t see anyone at work. I have our shopping delivered.
SIL, on the other hand, went to a friends baby shower last weekend and has continued meeting up with friends and her own parents like nothing is wrong.
It’s really pissed me off and I am unsure whether to call my line manager to ask if I can continue my Thursdays at home again, or do 2 evenings when DH will be at home.

So, do I say something to PIL and email work, or do I leave it as it is?

YABU - there is no problem here. You’re the twat.

YANBU - PIL shouldn’t be having other people round when they have DS and should at least of asked first. They’re the twats.

OP posts:

yahyahs22 · 06/02/2021 10:02

Youll have more people on your side than not but personally, yabu
I bet it was lovely for your DD to have a play date.

yahyahs22 · 06/02/2021 10:02

Their dd sorry, your ds

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 06/02/2021 10:03

Like you said,they should have at least asked first in light of global pandemic lockdown. Obviously it’s not actually allowed anyway and is very unfair to everyone else. But the not asking is what would make me crazy.

Original poster

AmIBeingTwatty · 06/02/2021 10:03

DD sees her friends at school so she’s not isolated. She did enjoy it, she is now just very confused about why she can’t see her cousins her own age who she is closer too (my side of the family) and her grandparents. I’ve lost the argument really because I can’t justify it can I?

OP posts:

Original poster

AmIBeingTwatty · 06/02/2021 10:05

@yahyahs22 yes my niece definitely enjoyed it so I do feel a twat for being against it.

OP posts:

LouiseTrees · 06/02/2021 10:07

@AmIBeingTwatty

Well you tell her they broke the rules. And that you’ve told them off. You then ask your husband to speak to them and ask them how you are meant to rationalise it to her.

Original poster

AmIBeingTwatty · 06/02/2021 10:10

@LouiseTrees thank you, I have told DH he needs to have a word. Didn’t want to be awful by telling DD they’ve broken the rules (even though it’s true)

OP posts:

Holly60 · 06/02/2021 10:13

They definitely should have asked. On the other hand I wonder how receptive you would have been if they had. I get it’s totally you and your husbands decision, but I do wonder if your SIL would like her daughter to be as close to your DC as their other cousins on your side are and is trying to facilitate this. I would be having words with my daughter if she had articulated that her DC are closer to her brother’s children than her husband’s sisters iyswim. I see there is a bit of an age gap but that will close as they get older, and they are all her cousins.

Maybe you could talk to your husband and explain that if you had been asked, you would have attempted to work out something that everyone was comfortable with. That you don’t see ‘his’ family as ‘less than and want all the cousins to have a great relationship, in a way that doesn’t break the rules.

ItsAllOrangeAndYellow · 06/02/2021 10:17

We've had to stop my parent looking after my DC and make our own arrangements for childcare on non-nursery days. I haven't clicked either option because I think they're a bit black and white. If your MIL explicitly agreed to your conditions before taking on childcare, she's BU. You're not going to change her mind though, just like I can't rely on my mum to be stringent with the covid restrictions and therefore have to not rely on her and make your own arrangements with work

yahyahs22 · 06/02/2021 10:17

Don't feel like a twat, I get the concern. But maybe just say, 'would you mind asking next time? I'm glad they had a great time and no harm was made its just been playing on my mind since and with everything going on I could do without another worry' but say it in a nice, understanding way maybe ?

Original poster

AmIBeingTwatty · 06/02/2021 10:18

Oh absolutely, we live closer to DH family so my DC see them a lot more than my family.

Niece is 3 and DD is 8, she adores niece and they do get along, it’s just she has more in common with her other cousins who are 7 & 9 so considers them friends if that makes sense.
I have turned down play dates with those nieces too so I would’ve definitely said no which I do understand is why they didn’t ask.

Thank you for that perspective, I will definitely mention it to DH & DD.

OP posts:

Original poster

AmIBeingTwatty · 06/02/2021 10:20

@yahyahs22 yes that’s a good plan, thank you.
To be honest, we’ve had to isolate so many times already which is so shitty; worse than lockdown as you can’t even leave the house and I think that’s probably making me anxious as it’s just increasing the risks of having to isolate again.

OP posts:

lazyarse123 · 06/02/2021 10:28

I would sort your work situation first, if you do that then you can just tell inlaws that you no longer need them.
Saves a confrontation but I find I am now becoming the covid police a bit at work, food shop. Younger staff and it is younger staff so relevant are telling me they can't wait to socialise this weekend. I did ask if they are aware of the virus and then the excuses start "it's only housemates or cousins or i'm having a test first.
I have to walk away then I come home to my adult dd who is working from home and single who is getting more and more upset and depressed because she has not been out for months to see her friends. But she is abiding by the rules.
So utterly sick of selfish fuckers.

yahyahs22 · 06/02/2021 10:29

I understand that its so frustrating! But just try to remember we all do things that we know are selfish from time to time. I bet she thought she was doing the children a favour regardless of the parents input! I'm not saying its fine to go against the parents wishes, I'm just saying we all do things similar from time to time! So maybe the kind, understanding approach will get better results from everyone involved

SarahBellam · 06/02/2021 11:14

This pandemic is going to go on far longer than necessary because people keep breaking the rules, or thinking the rules don’t apply to them. Rates might be coming down but over 1300 people a day are dying and we’re just not hearing about it anymore for some reason. What sort of response do you think you’d get if you told this story to a frontline doctor or nurse? We aught to be doing all we can to minimise the risk and that didn’t happen here. YANBU at all and I’d be livid.

LouiseTrees · 06/02/2021 11:41

[quote AmIBeingTwatty]@LouiseTrees thank you, I have told DH he needs to have a word. Didn’t want to be awful by telling DD they’ve broken the rules (even though it’s true)[/quote]
But that is the explanation

londonscalling · 06/02/2021 11:53

It's against the rules. How do you know your SIL hasn't got Covid? She was sat in the car with your daughter!

OrigamiOwl · 06/02/2021 11:57

I haven't gone with either option, as like a previous poster said, they're a bit black and white.
I get why you're upset.
But also if they are doing you a favour with childcare twice a week, so if you want that to continue you need to tread carefully.
Is SIL also in a childcare bubble with them?

MissMarpleDarling · 06/02/2021 12:01

Yanbu op. I'm getting annoyed at my family aswell. Got sent a picture the other day of my 2 adult sister, nephews, aunt and cousin all at my parents house. Then today my sisters gone out in the car with her friend and her kids. When I've seen bloody no one. Getting fed up now.

Original poster

AmIBeingTwatty · 06/02/2021 12:02

SIL isn’t in a bubble no, she’s not working. That’s why I feel awkward as it is a really big favour they’re doing us, but at the same time, they’ve put my children and me and my husband at risk unnecessarily.
I see why they don’t think it’s an issue - nobody they know has had it bad so they’re very much in the “it’s not that bad” camp but I’ve lost 2 grandparents and an aunt so feel differently to them.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 06/02/2021 12:07

They haven't put your children at risk, if they are all under primary age, both JVT and Chris Whitty have reiterated this. They aren't carriers.

Having contact with your side, would be extra contacts.

If you don't like it, stop contact.

Wheresyourclapham · 06/02/2021 12:10

They’re putting you and your household at risk from catching Covid.
I would end the arrangement and WFH on the that day.
Do you need to be in the office one day per week?

Betty000 · 06/02/2021 12:15

Would you have been so pissed off if your dcs had seen your side of the family and the cousins they are ‘closest to’?

Wheresyourclapham · 06/02/2021 12:20

Everybody is at risk 🙄

Original poster

AmIBeingTwatty · 06/02/2021 12:28

@Betty000 absolutely. That’s why we haven’t seen my family since august.

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