MIL seeing other family AIBU

[AmIBeingTwatty]

NC

I can’t decide if I’m being unreasonable here or DH family are..

MIL & FIL have my 2 DS for us on a Thursday. This is a temporary arrangement until April as I’m required in the office once a week now. They offered. They also collect DD from school on a Thursday as wrap around care is off for the foreseeable. This is also until April. They know full well that we haven’t been seeing anyone.
DD came home on Thursday talking about the pictures she had done with her cousin after school. Apparently SIL went in the car with FIL to collect DD from school as SIL and niece had been at PILs all day with my sons so niece could play as she is bored at home.
DH spoke to his brother about this and apparently MIL had called SIL on the Tuesday to suggest the “play date”.
I get it’s boring. I get they’re probably fed up. But to be honest I feel pissed off that they went round knowing my sons were there for childcare reasons and also pissed off that they didn’t ask if I was ok with them being there, especially as it was pre-arranged.
We haven’t seen my own family or any friends for months now. We didn’t see either side of the family on Christmas Day to keep it fair. My DD didn’t see any family or friends on her birthday. We’ve stuck to the rules and having to ask to become a childcare bubble was hard for me because we’ve put in such an effort since last year to limit our contacts. DH is working every day and I’m working in my office alone one day a week so don’t see anyone at work. I have our shopping delivered.
SIL, on the other hand, went to a friends baby shower last weekend and has continued meeting up with friends and her own parents like nothing is wrong.
It’s really pissed me off and I am unsure whether to call my line manager to ask if I can continue my Thursdays at home again, or do 2 evenings when DH will be at home.

So, do I say something to PIL and email work, or do I leave it as it is?

YABU - there is no problem here. You’re the twat.

YANBU - PIL shouldn’t be having other people round when they have DS and should at least of asked first. They’re the twats.

@Ponoka7 I would feel better about this if 6 members of my DDs class of 31 hadn’t had Covid. Unfortunately, they have. More people seeing my DD also means they would have to isolate should she get it so it doesn’t benefit anyone

I think if you’re that concerned about a play date I wouldn’t be sending my DD to school.

Yes they have broken the rules and I wouldn’t be allowing it again.

However you are sending your DC to school and both going to work so can’t claim to be seeing no one and having no risk. If you are that risk adverse you wouldn’t be using a school place.

Okay. Thank you for the answers everyone who has responded.

If your DD is in school I'm surprised that you're worried about the risk this poses to you. She is of a far greater risk to them. If you don't like what they're doing then I would find some alternative childcare.

Nope. Out of order. And even if SIL was in a bubble with them for childcare, this wasn't that anyway? Its needs must, not a free for all. It was blatantly doing as you like. Ordinarily I'd be like- they are doing you a favour looking after your kid, so don't moan about it. But in this instance I think they are out of order. There are rules and why some people seem to think they can do what the hell they want, I'm not sure? But to do that and put others at risk without their decision on the matter, is what's worse. If people want to choose who they see and what risks they take, that's up to them. But it shouldn't be forced upon you, like in this case. I'm not saying I agree with the rules (I don't and I think they need to stop it now) but that's what's happening atm.

@yahyahs22

I understand that its so frustrating! But just try to remember we all do things that we know are selfish from time to time. I bet she thought she was doing the children a favour regardless of the parents input! I'm not saying its fine to go against the parents wishes, I'm just saying we all do things similar from time to time! So maybe the kind, understanding approach will get better results from everyone involved

Really? Do 'we'?

I haven't.

@AmIBeingTwatty

SIL isn’t in a bubble no, she’s not working. That’s why I feel awkward as it is a really big favour they’re doing us, but at the same time, they’ve put my children and me and my husband at risk unnecessarily. I see why they don’t think it’s an issue - nobody they know has had it bad so they’re very much in the “it’s not that bad” camp but I’ve lost 2 grandparents and an aunt so feel differently to them.

Then they certainly know 'of' someone.

Better you work at night when your DH is home, I think.

Oops! I completely overlooked that the fact that you said that you were also sending your DD to school.

So, I can only assume that you’re not really that concerned about bringing Covid into your household then?

So what is the real issue here?
Are you more concerned about your DD spending time with cousins over their other cousins?

@AmIBeingTwatty

DD sees her friends at school so she’s not isolated. She did enjoy it, she is now just very confused about why she can’t see her cousins her own age who she is closer too (my side of the family) and her grandparents. I’ve lost the argument really because I can’t justify it can I?

This is the problem because it’s completely illogical. I have no idea how you can explain it to a child when there’s no rhyme or reason to it. It feels unfair to your child because it is. I’m having a go at the rules, by the way, not you.

No, I’m concerned because DD has to go to school once a week because they are unable to home school her, DH and I have to work and they’re bringing others into the home who are seeing others, who are seeing others, who are seeing others.....

I am concerned about bringing it into my house hence why I’m not sending my sons to nursery even though it’s open and I’m only sending my DD to school once a week because I have to work that one day.

@VinylDetective it’s tough isn’t it! They don’t understand the inconsistencies. My dad has cancer so we haven’t seen him for ages and it breaks her heart. She doesn’t understand and I don’t blame her.

It’s rubbish. It’s very easy for us to do what we have to although there are no words to describe how we miss our grandchildren. But explaining it to a child must be well nigh impossible. It’s well known that children are amenable to obeying rules if the rationale is explained to them but when there is no rationale 🤷‍♀️

and they’re bringing others into the home who are seeing others, who are seeing others, who are seeing others

How is that any different from the risk at school?

If DD is going to school then she's already exposed to people. This won't have made much of a difference. It is disrespectful though, if they know that you're taking it seriously.

‘No, I’m concerned because DD has to go to school once a week because they are unable to home school her, DH and I have to work and they’re bringing others into the home who are seeing others, who are seeing others, who are seeing others.....

I am concerned about bringing it into my house hence why I’m not sending my sons to nursery even though it’s open and I’m only sending my DD to school once a week because I have to work that one day.’

Most of the kids’ parents at your DD’s school are obviously allowing themselves and/or their DC to also see others, who are seeing others and those others may be seeing others...

@Wheresyourclapham yes exactly why I’m still trying to limit my own contacts as much as poss.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss it’s not but because she has to go to school once a week I am trying to limit our contacts outside of school and work? I thought this was what we should all be doing?
I think I know why were in another lockdown now?!?

@yvanka Sat 06-Feb-21 13:15:58
If DD is going to school then she's already exposed to people. This won't have made much of a difference. It is disrespectful though, if they know that you're taking it seriously.

Oh, for heaven's sake, this attitude really annoys me.

Yes, the DD is exposed to people at school and that increases the family's risk of exposure. But that doesn't mean they can increase their contacts and increase their exposure willy nilly.

The whole point of the instructions not to mix with more people than you absolutely have to is because every single interaction increases the opportunity for the virus to spread, so every interaction avoided cuts off a path of transmission.

[quote AmIBeingTwatty]@IceCreamAndCandyfloss it’s not but because she has to go to school once a week I am trying to limit our contacts outside of school and work? I thought this was what we should all be doing?
I think I know why were in another lockdown now?!?[/quote]
We’ve been following the rules to the letter and not sent the DC to school so we have been doing what we should.

You could send your DD with your DS and avoid school altogether lessening the risk to your family, school staff and other families but have chosen not to.

You can ask them not to mix and to follow the rules but they obviously think you are not that risk adverse as your DD is mixing anyway.

Just have a conversation with your family to explain your concerns and the reasons behind the precautions you have already been taking. Not sure that your DH need to do this on your behalf, as you are also family and Mother to their Grandchild.

How old is your DD?
Is their school hosting live lessons?

Why can’t anybody else in your household (DH) or the Grandparents homeschool your DD for 1 day?

Can you and DH not help DD catch up on that 1 day of work that they may miss whilst you’re in the office for 1 day, over the weekend?

Well said @MuddlingMackem. The whole point is that we all have done unavoidable contacts through work, education, care etc - very few for some families and loads for others. It's the unnecessary contacts we're supposed to be stopping.

Besides, forgetting the risk of death or serious illness, isolation is a complete pain as OP says. If her DD picks it up in school, that's SIL and DN stuck in unnecessarily and if they infected the DD that's up to 30 families.

Are you or your DH a Key Worker or a Critical Key Worker?

Does DP have to work outside of the home?

Is there a reason why you cannot do the work you do in the office for one day per week at home?

Do you think that your Line Manager/employer is flexible and/or reasonable for expecting you to be present in the office one day each week?

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss no I couldn’t. They said they won’t home school so I don’t have that option.

@Wheresyourclapham DH is a keyworker and can’t work from home. I am working from home but have been told between Feb-April I needed to work in the office once a week hence the arrangement. I’m classed as a keyworker but I can work from home.
PILs offered to have the boys for us but said they didn’t want the responsibility of home school- that’s their choice and I appreciate the help of having the boys and collecting DD from school once a week.
I’ve emailed my manager to see if I can go into the office on a Saturday or 2 evenings instead.